Getting, and Staying in Shape! Summer 2014

[meoww]

Not that I've ridden through that scary plateau I feel a lot better though, I almost gave up on Thursday because I was so upset that I was cutting back and not seeing any results. Instead of giving in though I tried to hang in there for another day.

 

That's when I got on the scale and realized that I managed to lose a pound in about 4 days. I really feel a lot less anxious now. I think I'm going to make it.

 

I just have to keep remembering, I have to maintain the weight loss, and stop yo to dieting.

[meoww]

So even though this week was harder than last week I have some good things to report too.

 

I can keep my portion sizes under control without being tempted to eat more. I eat until I feel about 50-75 percent full. When I don't eat too much I notice my energy levels stay a lot more constant and I don't feel wrecked by ups and downs. So obviously I want things to stay this way, when I feel good it's easier to keep doing what makes me feel that way and it just starts to come naturally.

 

Exercising is making me feel a lot less sleepy through out the day. I feel really good after a workout and it is so good for me mentally speaking. ***trigger warning**my private thoughts//and it's pretty long but it's an important note for me to make// I want to remember this because I want to remember that I've come a long way// after surviving the torture and imprisonment this is the first time in my life that I'm able to acknowledge what happened to me, without dissolving into a puddle of tears and still feel like a whole person. Before "the healing journey of 2011" I always hid that broken part of me because I never wanted anyone to see it, I knew how taboo it was to be an abuse survivor. Then I started to be vulnerable for the first time in my life around 2010ish actually, I wore all my pain and suffering on my sleeve. Then during the healing process everything seemed to flip, I let myself gain a bunch of weight and my mind was healthier but my body was a total, complete wreck and stayed that way for like 3 years, it's hard to believe but I suffered so much during those 3 years I literally can't even begin to comprehend what I went through. So I was finally sort of ripe for therapy at this point, at least as a 3 year old "toddler" post healing I could begin to interact with a therapist in way that was beneficial to me.

 

So then, over the course of like 3 months with the aid of therapy I suddenly started making progress a lot faster, seriously just the way a toddler starts picking up all kinds of skills and turning into a real child. I was like an actual abandoned newborn baby, slowly dying with no clue how to stand on my own. I never thought I could do it.

 

My whole life I carried this limiting belief that I'd be broken forever once I actually felt the fear and pain for the first time I allowed myself to feel it 3 years ago. But magically, inexplicably everything has changed----my biggest fear is still that I'll get quite there in terms of being who I really want to be but I really have the energy and desire to try, that's all I can do. My life really is that much harder.

 

I make it sound so bad but I'm not starting off from absolutely nothing but I still feel like I can commit so much more effectively to getting into shape, doing my hair, wearing cute clothes, listening to all kinds of music, whatever it is that I want.

 

I've noticed that my appetite for crackers, little cakes and desserts is way more under control in these past few weeks. Ironic because I just said I had some cookie dough tonight but I swear those cookies weren't for me!

[meoww]

Thank god I'm out of the woods in terms of my PMS!!!! Seriously I'm so sick of PMS I'm just done with it I never want to go through that ever again it's not fair.

 

My cravings are gone, I feel a lot better even though I'm on my period AND sick at the same time.

[meoww]

So this time I was a lot more aware of my PMS symptoms and I think they lasted for about a week thankfully sometimes it can be up to 2 weeks which is just unbearable. Being aware that it wasn't me and that it was the PMS really helped me stay on top of my diet when I needed to most.

 

I'm excited because I bet that after I bleed for a few days I'll see some changes on the scale.

 

I think managing my PMS was slightly better because I've been making an effort to make better dietary choices (except in those days before my period, but even then I had it a lot more under control than usual.)

 

I also think exercise helps a lot with PMS too.

 

So basically I'm going to aim for even more improvement next time around.

 

I seriously can't even describe how relieved I am, my anxiety goes through the roof and the thoughts in my head get so horrible approximately 2-3 days before. Even when I try to take it easy and stay home and not do anything it feels awful just trying to wait out the horrible feelings. I don't think I can go on like this anymore, month after month. It's funny because I hide it so well.

 

Which reminds me, it's like this around I'm paying way more attention to my body, how I actually feel, it's hard to explain. I know how important it is to make long term changes and I actually really want that, I want something healthy for myself. I guess my abuse also made me not aware when I was not doing well, I couldn't tell the difference between being healthy and being unhealthy so it was hard to maintain my weight loss, in a way. Now I'm able to make the connection between feeling good mentally and physically and I'm not stuck in these ruts going back to the same mistakes over and over again. I'm also making big gains when it comes to not making the same mistakes with guys too. Finally feel like I'm actually living.

[meoww]

Okay so I'm not proud of these measurements, but they aren't that bad either, I'm going to post them as motivation to stay on track and compare them to my after measurements.

 

Bust: 36

Waist: 27 (lost an inch since I last measured, I almost fell over when I realized I had a 28 inch waist, like I couldn't believe I basically had a 30 inch waist that just seems huge)

Hips: 34

 

So I'm kind of worried, I don't want to lose anymore in my hips, dat waist to hip ratio, ideally I'd keep the same bust, hips and just lose in my stomach, arms and legs. My stomach will probably be where I want it to be in a few weeks but I have never been able to get my legs quite where I want them.

 

People often don't really notice when I lose weight because I look a lot smaller than I actually am but not in a good way, like a kid...It's annoying actually, when people are like, well, if losing weight makes you happy then go for it, like it doesn't matter either when I really want people to be like, wow, you're looking pretty good what have you been doing? Maybe I'll be able to accomplish this!!

 

I hope that if work out more that I can somehow improve that. There's got to be a way to make my legs look longer without being stick thin.

 

I really want people to notice for some reason lol.

[meoww]

Thigh measurement: 20 inches

 

My inseam is 32 inches

My shoulders are like 14-15 inches

 

I've never measured myself so it's kind of fun, i used to think my shoulders were huge but I'm actually normal. I'm also an inch taller than I thought 5'3. Which is tiny but not like a total midget, just the definition of average. I wish I was 5'4-5'5 that's the perfect height for me. If my legs were an inch longer I'd feel very confident. But either way it's good to get confirmation of my measurements instead of just wondering.

[meoww]

My goal measurements:

 

Bust: 36 (but it'll probably go down when I lose more weight unfortunately)

Waist: 23.5-24 inches

Hip: 33-34 (I hope I also don't lose anymore here)

Thigh: 18 inches

Shoulder: 14

Wrist: 5.75 or less, mine are 6 inches right now

Calf: 13 inches, 14 now

Arm: 9 inches, 11 now

And I can't magically sprout longer legs but it would be nice to have a 33.5 inch inseam

[meoww]

I've really busy so I haven't felt like posting, but I'm about to weigh in! I hope I've lost at least a little bit.

 

My cheat day was Thursday because I was a little hungover from the night before so I needed to fill up on food to feel less sick. I had an acai berry smoothie, French fries and a few homemade graham crackers. So I'm a little apprehensive about weighing in right now because of that.

[meoww]

I'm genuinely surprised that I've lost weight!! Like a full 2 pounds.

 

I'm officially at a "normal" weight.

Just need to lose a little more (the last 10 pounds.)

 

My eating habits are becoming totally normal. I don't have obsessive thoughts and I eat normal portions and feel satisfied.

[meoww]

So I haven't lost any weight, just holding steady.

 

I'm going to try and do a low carb thing this week, and at least one day of fruits/veg fasting. I honestly feel AMAZING eating like 50-80% raw. I just need tons of protein which is why I'm not fully raw. It really makes such a difference, and ig gets better each day, I am so glad to have begun to discover what kind of fuel my body needs. Keeping it simple is good.

[meoww]

I upped my running time to 40 minutes, at a moderate pace, nothing too strenuous. For example I ran about 6 miles on Sunday. Also sometimes using the elliptical, I basically max out the speed on it, I get bored if I go more slowly.

 

The only thing is that my anxiety is through the roof and I'm feeling more insecure about my body. I'm still not thin enough, in my mind, to wear shorts comfortably.

[meoww]

Just making a tentative plan for the next 4 days. Not really into those mfp and other apps because I don't want to put in the effort, but maybe it would be worth looking into.

 

My shirts and pants are so much looser around the waist, it kind of scares me that I used to be so much bigger even just a few weeks ago, because I really didn't notice how chubby I was. I can't wait to feel comfortable and confident in skirts and shorts and tanks.

 

So I don't forget:

 

Stay hydrated

Eat veg/eggs for snacks, smart snacking for max satiation

Drink a glass of water 15-20 mins before breakfast

 

Thursday-fruits and veg fasting (low cal)

 

Friday-protein day (1100-1200 limit)

 

Saturday--carb day--(low cal)

 

Sunday---protein, low carb (1100-1200) max

[meoww]

Food journal:

 

Breakfast

 

Frozen mango cubes (1 inch cubes, x eight)

1 med Banana

 

Lunch:

 

Beans with some salsa

 

Snack:

 

Edamame 150 g

 

Snack 2:

 

Frozen almond milk yum!! Better than ice cream (300 ml)

Cucumber, whole

 

Dinner:

 

Salad with salsa again lol

5 almonds

 

I felt like I was eating all day long for some reason.

[meoww]

Frozen soy milk

Egg

Baked fish, a few slivers of roasted potatoes/carrots

 

Ugh I feel discouraged....I don't have the patience to wait this out! I just want to be cute and skinny and prance around in skimpy summer outfits. I'm so annoyed I even let myself go this bad.

[meoww]

I bought a new scale that I think is more accurate. Unfortunately it weighs me in now at 2 pounds higher than I was on my old scale, so that makes me kind of disappointed. I still lost the same amount of weight but my starting point was higher than I would have been comfortable with.

[meoww]

Even if I keep my calories really low, I swear I only lose weight if I get hungry in between meals. Constant snacking isn't cutting it.

[meoww]

I now fit into these shorts I bought last year but couldn't wear!!! They are these coral shorts that I really wanted to wear, I think they are a size 26 but I don't really believe those sizes anymore.

 

My calves are still too chunky though so no shorts for me until I get them slimmed down a little.

[meoww]

This is huge! The white shorts I couldn't even get over my thighs are starting to fit. I just can't close the zipper lol but I can put them on.

 

In about 2 weeks I think I'll be satisfied enough that I can actually put some effort into my appearance. Finally!!!!!

 

So yesterday was my cheat day because I drank. I feel sick unless I eat something and I tried to eat ice cream but it tasted sickeningly sweet so I made this makeshift meal still kind of drunk, some beans and broccoli and stuff. That was so much better.

 

I followed through on my plan, I did do my veggie fast which is always a good way to stay on track and stay mindful of my choices. Then I did a protein day. I probably ate less than what I had intended to but I'm a bit paranoid about going over my calorie limit. I realize I can't just eat like 2000-3000 calories anymore, like ever, if I want to stay thin.

 

Food is definitely less of a way to celebrate or deal with emotions for me at this point. As long as I go cold turkey on trigger foods I feel great and free. Sometimes I still a little neurotic around certain junk food but for the most part I force myself to make healthy choices because my body just handles it a lot better. I've largely avoided eating out for this reason. Eventually I'll start adding 'normal' food back in but I still don't quite feel like I'm there.

 

I really want to remember how uncomfortable i was being a little overweight and how tired I felt being that way. Mostly I just want to remember how I didn't like myself and felt like couldn't wear cute clothes so that I don't end up rebounding. It's not worth it!