How to prepare myself to break up

[tosmileagain]

Hi everyone,

 

My relationship is not going well.

I love my boyfriend very much, but he doesn't love me like he used to. He keeps saying the love of his life is his best friend. And he used to say I'm the one.

Anyways, the way he acts distant and wants to spend his time with his best friend rather than me, I fear he will break up with me. In fact, I should be the one to break it off but since I love him I'm not strong enough.

How can I prepare myself for a break up, so that I won't be devastated after? Or how can I prepare myself, so that I can be strong enough to end it myself?

Help me please.

[browneyedgirl36]

I really think you should end it yourself. Here's why: He's already articulated who the "love of his life" is (pretty awful of him to do that, in my opinion); he's already checked out, and you owe it to yourself to take a stand, for yourself, and walk away with your head held high, knowing you are NOT someone that he should just be settling for.

 

I know it will be hard, but don't wait for him to break up with you. It will make you feel even worse than you already do. Do you have a good friend that you can tell that you're going to break up, so that the friend will be ready to support you once you've done it? Regardless, I would call him, or text him, and tell him you need to talk, preferably in person, but if it's not possible, at least over the phone. Tell him that he has made it clear that he is hung up on someone else, and that his words AND actions of late indicate that he's not in love with you -- or at least that he doesn't love you in the way you need and deserve -- and that, given that, you are letting him go, partly so that he can pursue whatever/whomever it is that he thinks will make him happier, but mostly for YOU, because you deserve to have someone who loves YOU and wants to be with YOU.

 

I know it will be hard, but...what is even harder, I think, is waiting out the inevitable death of a relationship that has run its course. The longer you stay in it knowing his heart is somewhere else, the more miserable and rejected you will feel, and the more you will compromise your self-respect and dignity.

 

It sounds like he loves someone else but is too cowardly to let go of you (probably because she is not interested in him in that way so he knows he can't really have her). Make the decision for him.

 

Then, call up a friend, or someone else you love and trust, and cry it all out. You'll be OK.

[tosmileagain]

Oh no, the best friend is a man He is not in love with him, he is his bestbud. But he doesnt say im the love of his life.

Anyways he is generally detached from me... So I want to prepare myself just incase he breaks it off, and how can ı do it?

[CeeLambrini]

I'm sorry that you're with someone who has the audacity to say such a thing to his partner, and yet still expects you to stay with him afterwards. You'll be much stronger and happier without him in the end, you will just have to go through these tough months of grieving and healing over the relationship. I hope one day he realises what he threw away, and that your'e able to turn around and tell him where to go

[tosmileagain]

What I wrote was misunderstood. He didnt say he is in love with someone else.

He keeps saying his best friend is more important than me, metaphorically the love of his love

He keeps making hurtful jokes, for example we were walking together the three of us, he said to his best friend "If you feel alone, I'll ditch her away immediately. U r the love of my life"

It's a joke but a bad one.

[CeeLambrini]

A completely inappropriate and unnecessary joke. I still stand by what I said, if he is confident that he can speak to you and treat you that way without you leaving him, then you have some serious disrespect coming from his end. Maybe you should let him be with his 'bro' and go find someone a less disrespectful and vulgar.

If you don't want to break up over this, then you will have to come clean to him about your feelings. You can tell him that the way he jokes about those sort of things hurts your feelings and leaves you feeling embarassed and disrespected. That you feel uncomfortable hanging around him and his friend because you feel ganged up on and put down. If he scoffs at that and continues the attitude then you have your answer. If he is struck with shock that his hilarious jokes make you feel so bad, and he wishes to tone it down to zero from now on then perhaps you can wait and see if he sticks to his word. For me, someone who I have to ask to stop putting me down in front of his friends isn't worth a second chance. If he likes his buddy so much, then he can go spend his nights with him in my opinion

[mg22]

Humm sounds rather strange to me.

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh no, the best friend is a man He is not in love with him, he is his bestbud. But he doesnt say im the love of his life.

Anyways he is generally detached from me... So I want to prepare myself just incase he breaks it off, and how can ı do it?

 

OK...now that's just....weird. I mean, if he were gay or something, that would be one thing, but....

 

Well, my advice still stands, regardless of the gender of the best friend. I think you should break it off and save yourself the additional heartbreak of him doing it first.

[browneyedgirl36]

What I wrote was misunderstood. He didnt say he is in love with someone else.

He keeps saying his best friend is more important than me, metaphorically the love of his love

He keeps making hurtful jokes, for example we were walking together the three of us, he said to his best friend "If you feel alone, I'll ditch her away immediately. U r the love of my life"

It's a joke but a bad one.

 

OK, now I understand -- thanks for clarifying.

 

My advice is still the same, though; not that he has to tell you constantly that you're more important than his friends, but...when you get into a relationship with someone, that person should be a significant priority to you. If he's always wanting to spend more time with his best friend, it's like he's saying "You're not a priority to me."

 

Plus, the "jokes"? In my experience, people who make "jokes" of this type are often saying what they really think/feel but know that if they said it in seriousness it would cause a lot of conflict, so they hide REAL feelings/thoughts/motivations/etc. in "jokes" that are often not at all funny to the person on the receiving end. The reason they aren't funny to you is because it's not just his words, but his ACTIONS that are making you feel insecure and not a priority to him.

 

I really think you should break up with him.

[tosmileagain]

But I know I will be devastated when I break up with him.

Is there anything I can do to prepare myself and lessen the pain?

Any suggestions?

[CeeLambrini]

www.breakuprecoveryguide.com gets mentioned a lot around these forums. I also listen to "sleep hypnosis" on youtube to help me sleep and the woman who does it covers a lot of different areas including broken hearts and anxiety issues, here's her page. For day time, I would plan the day before so that when you wake up (mornings can sometimes be hard) you can literally follow a list of things to do without being tempted to crawl back into bed and hide. And I don't just mean chores, do things you like. I like to paint and that takes up a lot of hours. Make plans with friends, just keep a schedule and keep your spare time as packed as possible, even if you like to read you can put in a few hours here and there to escape.

 

Other important preparations, but may be difficult, are getting rid of them on every social network. As much as you want to keep an eye on them it really helps to not have them pop up on the news feed, or be able to send you a message full of pretty words to try and pull at your heart strings. Get rid of everything that they have ever given you, even if it ends up in a box under the bed. Move your furniture around your bedroom so it is 'new' and not full of memories. Maybe write yourself a note to remind yourself to be strong when you are feeling weak and wanting to contact him.