She's playing a game with me & I don't know how to react

[O2A4C]

So I had been talking a girl for about 6 months. About a month ago we got into the discussion of where we saw this going. I told her I really liked her and that I would like if this was to get more serious. She on the other hand told me she didn't want anything serious because she was enjoying being single but that she did like what we had, basically fwb, but that she knew it was more than just fwb. She then asked me had I been seeing anyone else and I honestly responded to her no and she told me the same thing, even though i know that was all depending on what i said. I asked if we weren't going to be anything serious if we were at least going to be exclusive to each other and her answer once again was no. I told her then what we would do if we were with other people and we went out, we have the same circle of friends and thats how we met. She told me that it was bound to happen but we just wouldn't do it in front of each other out of respect because we would just get upset if we were to see each other with other people and I agreed.

 

Move forward to 2 weeks later, I had gone out with an old coworker of mine and we were at a local bar. While there I got a text from one of my friends asking what I was up to, I told them who and where I was and she told me that they were heading that way with the girl I had been talking to. I know that a couple of the people in that group are drama seekers and like to instigate problems so I told her that's fine I was going to close out my tab and go somewhere else. So I did out of respect of what we had talked about to not be with other people in front of each other. The girl I was talking to found out that I was there and that I had left before they got there and she got upset. She ended up texting me around 3am with "Slick of you leaving" and again about 20 minutes later with "You can do whatever the F you want. We are no longer anything but friends". I didn't respond because I knew she had been drinking and I felt that was an issue that should be spoken about in person. So the next day when she got out of work I went over to her house to speak to her and she completely ignored, didn't answer my texts that I was outside, didn't answer my calls nor did she open the door when I knocked.

 

We had stopped talking for the following 2 weeks up until last Thursday when she randomly text me with "Random but I had to send this to you" along with a sexually oriented meme pic. I made a comment about it and her response was " lol we stopped talking after that. Then the following day I was out with one of my friends at a bar and I go to the bar to get him and I a drink. As I'm waiting there someone comes behind me and pokes and hugs me. I turn around and it was her with one of my friends. I ask my friend why they came over to me and she told me "she asked me to come to say hi to you, I told her no to, to wait till you came over to us but she insisted that she wanted to come see you and say hi" I say hi and we talk for a bit and then the rest of the group she was with comes over and starts hanging out with us. At one point she starts dancing and moving closer to me so because of how I feel towards her I start to dance with her. We do so for a while and then I start to wonder if maybe I shouldn't be doing so. So I start to back off a bit and she grabs me and pulls me closer to her and grabs my hand and doesn't let go. So I continue. As the night goes on her and her friends go to the bathroom and basically disappear. About 20 minutes after they leave I get a text from my friend saying "hey S wanted me to let you know we went to another bar, that you should come" I don't respond and about 5 minutes later she texts me letting me know the same thing. I end up going to the other bar and we continue dancing, talking and having a great time. Towards the end of the night I see she's bored and is just sitting down looking tired so I offer to take her home and she tells me no that she is too tired and has no energy and I tell her thats fine I'm not asking to go have sex I'm just offering to take you home since you're tired and once again she tells me no that she's good. So I say my goodbyes and leave. I haven't heard from her since. I tried texting her the following day and no response.

 

I don't understand why she goes out of her way to get my attention after not talking for 2 weeks and is with me all night and when I try and talk to her the next day it's as if I don't even exist. I want to try and not pay mind to this but at times I feel that if I continue to stick around things may change but at the same time I know I can't stick around till she's ready or until she "finds something better". It's not fair to myself. I'm mostly just venting cause that's all I can do at this point. Feel free to comment any advice or just whatever, trying to keep myself entertained. Thank you for those who took the time to read this.

[fireflies]

I've never believed that the 'B' in FWB exists. Someone always ends up getting hurt. The short answer to your question is she's vain and enjoys the attention you give her, but not enough to commit.

 

You seem very articulate, socially adept, emotionally intelligent, and honorable. It's clearly her loss.

[O2A4C]

Before we started sleeping together we had agreed that this was only going to be a FWB type thing. As time went by though I started to notice certain things that led me to assume she may have wanted something more. For example, one night we had gone out to a club and at the end of the night we didn't want it to end so we went out to the ocean, while there we saw a cruise ship that sails to the Bahamas and she commented we should go on that for a weekend. We were with friends so I assumed she meant everyone we were with and she was like no I mean just you and me, so we can get away and spend some alone time away from everyone. Some other instances were that she would get really jealous if I was to go out with any other female friends of mine, she admitted twice to me that while me sleeping over her house she went through my phone to see if I had been talking to anyone else (which I hadn't. I know this may be a flag but since I don't hide anything in my relationships I wasn't worried), we had a small gap that we didn't talk for a few days and out of no where she had text me when she was with some family and we talked for a bit and at the end of our conversation she had told me that she missed me and that we should get together soon, we would basically talk every day, she would call me to go over just to be with her no sex involved and when I would say I was going to go home she'd ask me to sleep over, and just generally the way she acted around me like she was with me all night anytime we would go out even if it was with a group of her friends. All those things and some I just can't remember right now led me to assume she wanted something more but apparently I was wrong. Seems like I was just the rebound guy, sucks but its the reality of it all.

[O2A4C]

I can't stop thinking, about her or the situation. How does one go from constantly wanting to be with someone and talking to them daily to not giving a F? I've been in this before but in a much tougher situation and I don't remember thinking about my partner as much as I am now and that was a 9 year relationship. I remember feeling depressed and empty but now I'm feeling more like I really miss her. I genuinely liked her as a person and everything about her. Plus the fact that i thought she felt the same about me attracted me more towards her.

 

One of the things that did bother me about her though was how she stereotyped all men to be cheaters, liars and controlling. I was told by her cousin, which I was cool with before I had even met her, that her ex's would all be douchebags and that they would treat her really bad and wouldn't let her go out without him. She caught them cheating on her and everything. From the beginning she has always doubted me, hence why she checked my phone while I was sleeping, and I understand why but even after proving to her that I'm not like that she still doubted me. I've done things for her that she admitted to me that no guy including her ex's had ever done for her. Like a couple times just because I wanted to I brought her flowers, i cooked for her, i went out of my way one night to help with a flat tire when no one not even her best guy friend would go and help her out, i've put her above everything to prove to her that i'm not like those guys she's dealt with before and still nothing. it's as if she likes being mistreated and not being shown that she's important to someone.

 

Just some randoms thoughts.

[fireflies]

You're not the rebound guy, you're just you. She, however, seems very confused and dysfunctional. We're all entitled to be young once, experience imperfect relationships, and not know what we want, but that doesn't give anyone carte blanche to treat others like yo-yo's.

 

It's apparent you like her very much, otherwise her actions wouldn't hurt you so. I once was deeply in love with a guy who ran hot and cold to the point where I wanted to end my life. I would ask him, my friends, and myself why he was like this, but no answer was forthcoming. Decades later, I still don't have an answer, but gradually I got to the point where I realized it didn't matter why he did those things that hurt me, it just mattered that he did.

 

We want "reasons," for why these people treat us badly, but even if we knew them, they wouldn't excuse the needless pain we experienced. If it helps, think of her as "broken." Yes, the relationship would be awesome if she were "x, y, and z," but she isn't. She is what she is. (BTW I doubt she likes being mistreated, but it may be what she's comfortable with. Sad!)

 

Rather than wait for her to fix herself, find someone who readily loves and appreciates you as you are. No games necessary.

[Rosti87]

Life is short. She obviously needs to work on herself. You need to ask yourself do you sit here and waste [X NUMBER] of time to get her stuff together with possibly a 50% chance that she might consider you commitment material? Or do you take your hit of pain now and move on to better pastures?

[Sportster2005]

When someone is playing games with you, you only have one option. Leave and completely cut off communication. Any attempt to engage in someone's gaming behaviour is game playing itself.

[faraday]

When someone is playing games with you, you only have one option. Leave and completely cut off communication. Any attempt to engage in someone's gaming behaviour is game playing itself.

 

I agree. With people like the OPs fwb, you just have to walk away. She'll eventually drive away all the normal people from her life...and wonder one day why she's surrounded by dysfunctional game players....and hopefully that will cause her to change. It will take a while though.

 

You can't reason with crazy.

[O2A4C]

When someone is playing games with you, you only have one option. Leave and completely cut off communication. Any attempt to engage in someone's gaming behaviour is game playing itself.

 

You're right. I know that's what I have to do and that's what I had tried to do and I was doing good up until last week when she randomly text me and that I ran into her. That's made this week pretty difficult for me. I've been looking through all her social media pages so I decided to "unfollow" her from those to completely start cutting off everything. i know it seems childish but I was spending a lot of my time "snooping around", as she would say, so I thought that would be the best thing for me. I know it's a tough process, I've been in this situation once before with my ex of 9 years. This time it's not as bad as it was because I don't feel the same way for her as i did for my ex obviously but it's still tough. I know I'll make it out of this just like I did last time and this is all a life lesson but I really can't get rid of the false hope. The false hope that something will change with her and that she see's that she's letting something really good pass her by. Nothing i can do about that though. At this point as hard as it is I'm just trying to focus on myself and become a better man.

 

It's going to take time but at least I know I have places like this where i can just speak my mind and let it all out here rather than trying to tell her.