Trying to give her space

[TheCeej]

I am struggling giving space to a friend/girl who I am interested in pursuing. We have sort of a unique background, which you can find in this thread from last week:

 

Basically, I have strong feelings for a girl who I've been friends with for years. I tell her, she tells me she has feelings for me too, but we're not ready to commit to a LDR. So we text/email everyday in hopes that we will find us near each other soon. She visits me, she decided to move out to me, I visit her to take her back with me, and she gets cold feet 2 days before we're supposed to move her back to my city. We determine we are gonna slow things down, and I agree to give her space to figure out if she really wants to move or not.

 

She has always been receptive to communication with me, but since I visited her, her responses are NEVER timely. I admit, I am married to my phone a bit more than I'd like, so I'm working on that. I will text her, she will be busy all day, get caught up in something, and then send me an apology and a reply in a day or two. Ok, not a huge deal, but it does irk me. Recently, I've been trying to cope with my still very strong feelings for her, and in an effort to slow down, I have been trying to give her space. Problem is, she is ALWAYS on my mind. I have other friends in my life, activities and work that keep me occupied, but even when I'm doing these things, I still think about her. I check my phone first thing in the morning to see if she's sent me something, and she almost never does. I feel like I always am the one to initiate conversation, and that we would hardly ever speak on the phone if I wasn't asking her to find time to catch up with me. I will go 3 or 4 days without contacting her just to see if she will be the first to reach out. And she won't. So I buckle under my own pressure, and sent her a text on Sunday just telling her I hope she had a good weekend, and that I was thinking of her. Typically, no reply til the next day, and then it's "I'm so sorry, I was doing xyz. I'm having a great weekend, and missing you too." It feels like she says the exact right thing to defuse my anxiety temporarily, but then I tell myself I will let her reach out to me next time, and it doesn't happen.

 

She's open to talking with me, she tells me she loves getting to catch up with me and hearing my voice. But whenever I reach out to her, it's like she's not there. And when I want her to reach out to me, I'm almost always disappointed. I'm worried I'm doing a bit of this "associating my self-image to my partners response", and I know that is detrimental to myself, and to my relationship with her. I just don't know how to stop wanting to share with her all the time, and I'm trying to ditch my feelings of wanting her to reach out to me. Idk, any advice for me out there?

[ThatwasThen]

Problem is, she is ALWAYS on my mind. I have other friends in my life, activities and work that keep me occupied, but even when I'm doing these things, I still think about her.

Then you have to make a conscious effort to change the subject of her and purposely think of something else. You can put an elastic band around your wrist and when she pops into your head, ping it hard against your skin so that you are cognizant of your reverie starring her and you change it to something else that isn't about her.

 

I'm sorry, cee but I'm thinking that you are far more invested in this relationship then she is and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she has someone else pursuing her and taking her thoughts of you out of the picture. One does not go a whole weekend without thinking about the person they love and want to be with.

 

Please end things with her by telling her it's over and that you hope she has a great life. You deserve to be with someone that looks forward to your contact and wants to be with you more than someone who ignores you completely for days because she's doing "XY or Z." No one who cares is too busy to send a quick text telling you that they'll get back to you in more detail when they have completed the x or the y or the z.

 

I empathize but I also hope you have love of self enough to not keep doing this for very much longer.

[TheCeej]

I'm sorry, cee but I'm thinking that you are far more invested in this relationship then she is and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she has someone else pursuing her and taking her thoughts of you out of the picture.

 

I really hope you are not right about that ThatwasThen, but I can't say I would be surprised either. She has a very difficult time opening up and communicating with people, and her previous relationship that lasted 2 years, she told me she almost never was open about her feelings in the relationship. I am trying to help her out of that pattern by being patient with her. I need to hear it from her that she is either a) investing in someone else or b) doesn't feel the feelings that we shared with each other just a few weeks ago. That will free me from these feelings that we are going to make it through. Her words that "she misses me" and "she wants to move out to be near me" just keep that spark of hope alive, and I can't deny it.

 

I appreciate taking the time to give me advice tho. I feel as if I know the things already that you are telling me, but I just have to face them, and in due time, will feel that I do deserve someone who will give me the love and affection I've been so helplessly trying to get from her.

[t1lersm0m1]

The fact that she's waiting a day to reply tells me she isn't very interested. I'm sorry, I agree with post 2.