Is he flirting with intent, or just for fun?

[theentertainer]

I've kept in touch with a former co-worker who used to flirt a little. There's a large age gap but he's a nice guy & good-looking; I'm flattered. We've been out for drinks 3 times in the past 2 years & sometimes see each other when I go back to my old workplace (where he still works). He's married with kids, so I'm not acting on anything!

 

However, his behaviour is increasingly forward. He:

said that he'd joked to his wife that he was meeting his girlfriend

joked that he'd told his wife we'd had sex

bought me drinks

asked if I had a boyfriend & about my "type"

said I was attractive

made jokes of a sexual nature (about not wearing underwear, asked if I had a vibrator)

joked we were having an affair

mentioned songs with seemingly suggestive lyrics

tried to hold eye contact

offered to drive me to my car after we'd had drinks

 

I didn’t encourage him, or actively discourage him but I WON'T engage in an affair with him. I'm just unsure of whether I can see him without leading him on! Any thoughts?

[Circe]

To answer your question I definitely think he's flirting with intent.

 

By the way, intentionally or otherwise, just by giving this creep the time of day you are encouraging him. He will take it as encouragement.

[Capricorn3]

Ugh, he sounds like a total sleeze!! Reading that list makes me want to throw up. What a creep. I can't help feeling very bad and really sorry for his poor wife.

 

All you need to know is that he is married. That means, stay away. Stop flirting. Stop having drinks with him. Stop seeing him altogether. Find someone single whose available.

[theentertainer]

I feel a bit guilty, even though I haven't actively encouraged him. We've known each other for three years and it hasn't been until this year that he's been a bit bolder with more sexually-directed comments. The thing is, I don't see him as a "creep" or a "sleaze". When we worked together, he was the nicest guy there (and most people probably see him that way.) I know his kids quite well and have met his wife a few times - I would be horrified if they (or anyone we know) found out that he'd made some of those comments to me (honestly, they're quite out of character).

 

I went back to my old workplace the other day and emailed him to see if he'd be around (because we are kinda friends). He didn't respond though, and when I was there, I'm pretty sure he saw me but ignored me. What's up with that?

[Circe]

 

I went back to my old workplace the other day and emailed him to see if he'd be around (because we are kinda friends). He didn't respond though, and when I was there, I'm pretty sure he saw me but ignored me. What's up with that?

 

Please stop saying that you aren't actively encouraging him. You are.

[theentertainer]

Please stop saying that you aren't actively encouraging him. You are.

 

When I say I'm not actively encouraging him, I mean that I'm not trying to seduce him or knowingly give him signals that I am romantically interested in him.

[Circe]

You are. By contacting him and actively seeking his company after he has quite disgustingly hit on you (someone who knows/has met his Kids and his Wife) - that's knowingly giving him signals that you are interested in more of what he's been dishing out.

[greta96]

You are totally encouraging him, by staying in touch, by hanging out, by not telling him that his sexual inuendos are offending you, and by constantly dropping by the old workplace and messaging him to make sure he's there. And his behaviour towards you does get to you, otherwise you wouldn't post about it and you wouldn't sound so irritated saying that he ignored you. You may not even be aware of it, but you ARE indeed actively encouraging him. He is definitely flirting with intent, and that intent can be anything from just getting ego boosts from a young'un to grooming you as his future sex side piece.

 

If you want this to stop, you stop dropping by where he works, and you stop replying to his messages and hanging out with him. Between you and him there shouldn't be anything other than "hi how are you, how's your family?".

 

You are playing with fire and you (not him) will get burnt badly if you don't stop.

[Circe]

I had a male friend who I thought I was really close to and I thought so, so much of. I thought he was a great guy with a great moral code and his advice was advice that meant something to me.

 

Then came a time when my husband and I started having serious issues over a problem that we'd swept under the rug up until then and was rearing its head, refusing to be ignored any longer. I met up with my friend for company at a time when I was really vulnerable. My friend was married and his wife was pregnant - and she was away on a retreat at the time. He hit on me. Much less disgustingly blatant than your "friend" did to you.

 

Anyway - since then, I've never spoken to him. I won't ever seek his company again and I'll avoid him if he ever tries to seek mine again (which I doubt he will, I imagine he's too ashamed to). I won't seek it again because I consider what he did to be disrespectful (to me - as well as to his wife - but also to me) and he is no true friend. A true friend does not try to take advantage of his friends.

 

Your "friend" is not a true friend to you. What he wants from you is something that will make you feel crap about yourself should you ever give it to him. He's using you. Or at least, he was. It's unfathomable to me that you would encourage this creep, continue to seek his company and stick up for him.

[mhowe]

That isn't flirting ---- it is lewd and unacceptable behavior.

And you are encouraging it --- so the question arises....why?

 

Do you crave attention that badly?

[Sportster2005]

Why aren't you actively discouraging it? He's crossing boundaries most people would consider off limits. By not discouraging it you are passively allowing it.

[Batya33]

That isn't flirting ---- it is lewd and unacceptable behavior.

And you are encouraging it --- so the question arises....why?

 

Do you crave attention that badly?

 

I agree with this -it's not flirting in the least. It's just gross. Ask yourself why you're enjoying it to an extent?

[GirlontheLam]

You know he is married, and his is escalating with clearly obvious sexual comments. Unless he is in an open relationship, it is sleazy.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, 'creep' was the first word which came to mind when I read the original post. This guy is a slimeball. If someone in his position asked me the kind of questions you describe above, I'd respond that it was not only none of his business - but that was the way it was going to stay. And then I'd cut him loose.

 

He's continuing to hit on you because you haven't given him firm boundaries and he's just trying his luck. I can't understand why you find this sort of attention flattering; all it means is that he sees you as someone with very little self-respect who might be good for a bit of a fling before discarding you. A genuine friend wouldn't be coming out with this sort of rubbish, and certainly wouldn't be ignoring you in public.

 

Next time he contacts you, tell him you've had time to think about it and, on reflection, find his behaviour inappropriate and offensive. Say he should be concentrating on his wife and family - and that you won't be seeing him again.

[theentertainer]

I can see how it appears that this guy is a "creep". I don't really know why I am "defending" him, apart from the fact that I really do think he is a good guy who perhaps got caught up in the moment and thought he'd see what happened - because, as you say, I didn't give him firm boundaries. So I suppose I'm not entirely blame-free in that I didn't try to stop him thinking he might have had a chance, even though I didn't knowingly give out signals with the intention of attracting his attention. I know that probably sounds like an odd juxtaposition, but it's the truth.

 

I also see your point about not understanding why I see the attention flattering. While his comments probably do sound creepy in the list I provided, in context, there's much more to it. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but wanted to clarify that this guy, if you met him, would not come accross as a "creep" or a "sleaze".

 

It doesn't matter anymore, anyway. I've decided not to see him. Last week, when I wrote this post, I'd been to my workplace the day before, for a work-related meeting with another former coworker. I thought that while I was there, I'd pop by and say hi to this guy (because the last time I saw him was in April when we'd had drinks and he'd been more forward; I wanted to see how he'd act since then.) I'd emailed him to see if he'd be around, but he didn't reply. When I was there, I'm pretty sure he saw me but he didn't say hi. I chose not to talk to him too. I presume he either a) felt guilty about the whole thing or b) was annoyed that I hadn't responded more to his advances. Like I said, it's not that important because we rarely see each other. The whole situation feels kind of inconclusive though. I like for things to be clear and so, having known this guy for 3 years now, it just feels odd that we would just stop communicating altogether. Does that make sense?

 

I think I'm naive in hoping that we can be friends (because up until about March he had been friendly rather than suggestive) but I guess I'm an optimist! lol.

[mhowe]

You are not "friends". You are a woman he hits on. When you stop responding, the "connection" died. He needs ego strokes so he has moved on to his new

victim.