chloelesliexo Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 So to cut a long story short, I've been with someone for 3 months who at the start made me the happiest girl around Complimented me, said all the right things, swept me off my feet, took me for weekends away. Then our feelings started intensifying, so what does he do? He backs off, gets distant. We resolved this and he started being more open. So anyway we've had our ups and downs, he owns a house with his ex which he has just sold and works in the city during the week and lives in the countryside. When I first met him he told me he lived in my city and his house and parents were in the countryside. He isnt settling in the city so is spending more and more time in the countryside. We've had a lot of arguments over this and him not coming back for scheduled dates. Friday night i sat him down and was honest and said this isnt working for me. When I met you I was given the impression you were baggage free (i.e your house had sold with your ex, it isnt, it finally completes on 1st August), that the two of you no longer talked and that you lived in the city and went back once in a blue moon. The situation has changed from the above and i've tried to adapt and it just isnt working for me, I want a relationship monday - sunday, not monday - thursday. So he said he will try, anyway surprise surprise he didnt come back for our romantic day out on Sunday (yesterday) He asked if we could "leave it for today" so I said "yeah sure, but i'd also quite like to leave our relationship" and I cut him off. I've been getting texts saying he loves me, and he is sorry that he was so selfish. I've ignored him and this morning just replied to say the two of us have very different ideas on love. Love isnt selfish and that yes I love him too but love myself more and still have a shred of self respect left to refuse to come running back and be messed around. He has no intention of changing so I have no intention of putting my heart in the firing line anymore. Anyway I havent heard from him since which was this morning. I'm sad as I will miss him greatly, we had some lovely times and other than the issue of going home we were fairly compatible. I know ive done the right thing, im not doubting that, but how do I learn to cope with the feeling of missing him and being hurt? I could quite easily get back with him tomorrow and all i want right now is to do that and have a big cuddle and him tell me its all okay But im trying not to as he will never respect me for it. Help me feel a bit better please? Link to comment
TheCeej Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Hi Chloelesliexo, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how much something like this can hurt. I would stick to your guns, and realize that if you do go back to him, you are definitely just pushing this heartache off for another day. You will be better off trying to distract yourself. If you can get through these first couple days without texting him back, it will get easier. I would try to find another friend to talk to, or something that you enjoy doing to take your mind off it. Try to focus on yourself, and the fact that you have a lot to offer the right person. And keep your head up. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Sounds like he's been good with 'excuses'? It can be hard from his end too, working on trying to make a 'new' relationship work out. But it takes two, for sure. Could be, the things you wanted, he could not service? Eg, his days of being available for you? Yes, he did just sell his home, but he's still dealing with that BU, I'm sure. So, i feel, as ready and able as you are- he's just not in the same line at this time. So it's like a make or break kind of thing. Also, after 3 months, of one saying how they 'love' you isn't so true. At that time it is 'lust'. Love takes time. If you're ready to move on now and work on 'accepting' your differences, I suggest you remain No contact. Keep yourself busy and try to keep in mind the differences you two had and the facts for this not working out. I feel he just has too much on his plate at this time in his life. He is still trying to adjust etc. Link to comment
chloelesliexo Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 yeah he does have a lot going on he has moved to a new city from the country and is still trying to adjust he left his ex girlfriend so is dealing with that breakup as well he has all the financial side of selling a house to deal with i dont doubt that he has feelings for me, it seems a lot like right person wrong time. but in the same token, i do feel very strung along. He has been very very selfish and he hasnt treated me with the same level of respect I have him. He willl come to me during the week (or me him) when he is in his small house share as its convenient then. But weekends when he can socialis eback home he just isnt interested. So all this talk from him now....words are cheap. And as much as id love to give him another chance, well actions speak louder and he hasnt exactly been beating down my door. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 How long ago did he break up with his ex-girlfriend? If he came on so strong, is telling you he loves you and is already withdrawing -- all in just three months... it sounds like it could be a rebound situation. What do you think? Link to comment
chloelesliexo Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 How long ago did he break up with his ex-girlfriend? If he came on so strong, is telling you he loves you and is already withdrawing -- all in just three months... it sounds like it could be a rebound situation. What do you think? Who knows, potentially I could be We’ve had this conversation and he said that in all honestly he didn’t expect to like someone half as much as he did and that he doesn’t want me to slip through his fingers But to be honest it doesn’t make any difference whether I am or im not sharky. The bottom line is Ive treated someone with nothing but respect and they’ve messed me around Theyre saying all the right things now but how many chances do I need to give him? He messes it up every single time as he is so selfish, all he cares about his him and how he is feeling He said to me last night why give up potential happiness because he has been an idiot. But talk is cheap and until I see real change (which I doubt I will) all I can do is move on and try and forget him. Right?! Feel so let down and disappointed. Link to comment
gxzone Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Hi Chloelesliexo, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how much something like this can hurt. I would stick to your guns, and realize that if you do go back to him, you are definitely just pushing this heartache off for another day. Agree. I'm in this situation...as well currently but already got back together. We both know it WILL end in 2-3 months due to geographical location change at that time - I currently do not feel I have the mental strength to leave. However, another take on it is that I already tried to end it and failed and I feel as if it was a disservice to her because I was not able to stay away and she STILL wants to be with me despite anything! It might be a good thing to stay until you are sure you can break it off and have the strength to be consistent. I feel very guilty that I could not keep my word and stay away...and she took me back easily and told me repeatedly not to feel guilty and just be with her until she has to leave. Believe me I know how hard it can be to be tempted to go back for that comfort, but firstly you'll feel guilty for being selfish and wanting them back after having just said its over ("mind games" - unintentional or not, is the same thing to the other person). Been on both the giving and sorta receiving end of this. Emotions suck when you can't control them and they make you do things you know you will regret, don't they? Listen to the other advice and try to calm down and look at the situation and the future results of whatever you do as clearly as possible. Maybe get a pen and paper and write down why you should do A vs B. Link to comment
gxzone Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 He will say all the right things because he wants you to stick around. He may not necessarily think its the right thing, but is too scared and weak to risk being without you as a emotional safety net (support). I am in this exact situation and I am disappointed in myself yet don't want to be without her and find myself saying/doing insurance actions/words I don't mean to comfort her and ensure she'll stick around. Even though in my case she'll probably stick around no matter what I say... I'm not proud of what I am doing, he may not be either. In some ways, I wish my girl didn't take me back and NCed me HARD. It'll hurt like crazy but at the end of the year or maybe a bit longer than that I'll be healed and be able to hold my head higher than now. So, I think you would be doing both of you a favor by firmly declining his advances and NC as needed as it may not be easy to resist the temptation if you keep contact. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 The first few months of dating are for determining if the other person is a good one to be in a relationship with you. You have determined that he is not. Don't mourn his potential. Just keep it movin. Good luck. Link to comment
chloelesliexo Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Can I just say, as someone that is going through this at the moment... "don't want to be without her and find myself saying/doing insurance actions/words I don't mean to comfort her and ensure she'll stick around. Even though in my case she'll probably stick around no matter what I say... This is an awful thing to read. I'm not bashing you, but youre doing this girl untold damage. The reason im so cut up over this is because my self esteem was shattered by a man telling me all the insurance actions/words and then when a decent guy actually comes along you never know what to believe. Your girl has no self esteem, no confidence. So please, for her sanity can you just say to her that she is a lovely girl and will make the right man very happy one day, but thats not you and you arent right for each other and then leave her alone and go NC. Its really upsetting to imagine what she is going through as it sounds exactly like what I am. Link to comment
Jewels7 Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 I left my b/f of 3 years a month and a half ago because he was not treating me well. It's completely normal to want to run back and cuddle with him and think everything will be okay. I want to do the same thing but the truth is... It's not going to be okay if you go back. You'll dislike yourself even more. It took me about 2 to 3 weeks after my BU to go NC. I'll be honest. It hurts like hell. It physically hurts... But it would hurt so much more to stay in contact. It's like an addiction. You can't break the addiction if you keep taking hits. Stay strong. It'll be okay. I promise. Link to comment
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