How to deal moving on

[samanthas]

ok so i am in a relationship with this guy who is 3 years younger to me, we met at work and hit off instantly. i have never been in a relationship, always thought that i will have an arranged marriage, but then somehow i got involved in this one always reminding myself that this wont work but he still wanted to be with me till the time he could.

 

Now he is going to abroad for his further studies and my parents are looking for a guy for me because i am 25 now. The problem is that i think i am not ready for marriage or maybe i am looking for his qualities in the guy i would want to marry, and i don't want to be alone right now. I stay away from my parents, i go home during weekends to meet them and i stay in a flat with my roommate who is in a night shift. so after he goes i am going to be all alone and not that we are ending on a bad note, we will be in touch as friends. There is this weird gush of emotions and conflict going on inside me that what do i want, m i afraid of being alone, or m i afraid of getting married. I have still not figured out, sometimes i think that i am just jealous that he is going abroad and going to study and live on his own which i wanted to do but my parents never allowed and i want to do what he is doing. please help me out here.

 

I want to come out of this weird feeling which is bothering me constantly and i know that in a matter of time i will be fine, but the anticipation is killing me and how to deal with it i have no idea.

 

please give me some tips to deal with this .

[Man with Dog]

I wish I could help but I've no experience of your situation and don't know what to advise but I'd like you to know that I care and hope things turn out for you.

[fireflies]

Your apprehensions are completely understandable. When dealing with the unknown, it's better to focus on what you know. What do you know about yourself and what you need to be happy? What do you know about your parents and what they want for you? Is there a way to compromise and meet everyone's needs?

 

If not, whose happiness is more important to you and how far are you willing to go to ensure that happiness?

 

Start with your values and the rest will become clearer.

[samanthas]

i still haven't figured out what do i want, sometimes i am like i don't want to get married and then my relatives or some dumb ass friends are like that initially you will enjoy being alone and enjoying your freedom but then after sometime you would want that special someone in your life. so i am super tensed then. Help!

 

As of now what i know about my parents are that they want me to get married because i am 25, so she has to keep answering to my relatives and she believes that an ideal age for a girl is 25, once we pass that age of 25 -26 you need to compromise in guys and you will get older guys. she thinks too much about the society. i belong to a typical conservative South Indian Family.

 

I feel i haven't lived the way i wanted to and so many other things, so sometimes i feel that i'll get married and then do things which my parents have always objected from. I am facing quarter life crisis.

[fireflies]

It's okay to not know what you want. This is why I asked you what you value most - Your happiness or theirs? No one can make these decisions for you unless you let them.

 

You have a range of options. Choose which option best allows you to sleep at night. Try it! If it doesn't work, try another. Right now you're so focused on how all of these options won't make you happy, that you end up up paralyzed in fear. It's true that every decision we make has its pros and cons. The question is "Which 'cons' are you willing to endure to be happy?"

 

As for being alone, one can be alone in a sea of people. Wherever you live, figure out what it is you love to do for fun and find some people to share it with. Volunteering or finding a Meetup group could help you do that.

 

BTW, when my friends' parents began the process of arranging her marriage, they allowed her input. They weren't always happy with what she had to say, but because she had dated before, she had a stronger idea of what would make her happy. She actually married the gentleman whom her father cared for the least! Long story short, she's has been happily married for 20 years.

 

If you decide to honor your parents' culture, then talk to them and tell them what's important to you in a relationship. If they refuse to listen, then that is just more information for you to take into consideration.

 

I don't know if you're a reader, but I always find reading biographies of people I admire and the difficult decisions they have had to make inspiring and helpful.