My mid-30ish friend seems forever stuck in the awkward, nervous adolescent phase

[cdb1204]

A friend of mine from childhood came to visit this week. He lives 500 miles away. He seemed OK in high school, but in college his behavior got odd. We're both in our mid-30s now, and he seems forever stuck in the immature, adolescent state of his social development (and he may have seemed OK to me in high school because we were all awkward then and that's all we really knew).

 

He's STILL extremely socially awkward. He's nervous when he talks. He's a devout Christian, and I highly doubt he's on (illegal) drugs. He has two college degrees (where he made good grades), but he can't hold a job because he can't follow directions and he's lived with his parents for the past five years.

 

I know this is a politically incorrect word — but he acts as if he's somehow.

 

Among SOME of the things he's done (because I would have to write a book to tell you everything):

 

• He went through a phase 10 years ago where he was obsessed with gay people. He got a job straight out of college making an amazing amount of money in a large city in the South. He said he was relieved to be going there because "it's a city in the South. The South is the Bible Belt. That means there won't be any gay people there." Well, he discovered his co-worker was a lesbian.....and, yes, he complained about it to his boss. I don't know the whole story — but he lasted maybe 10 months at that job before he was forced to quit (this weekend when I told him my boss is a lesbian he had a total freak-out and said it was horrible that I have to put up with that.....but I happen to like the woman very much, and I don't care about her sexual orientation)

 

• This weekend he kept interrogating me with questions about things that were none of his business. I politely told him I couldn't answer his questions, but he either kept interrogating me or accused me of not wanting to share this information with him.

 

• He once communicated with a woman on a dating website in his hometown. For some reason the woman stopped communicating online (probably because she sensed how weird he was). So, my friend started showing her picture to everybody in town he could talk to and asked if they knew her. Eventually, he met someone who did, and this person told him where she worked. He told me he planned to go to her office and introduce himself and prove what a stellar guy he is.....well, I told him flat out this could be considered stalking and he could arrested. He changed his mind.

 

• He babbles on and on about women he had one date with 15 or 16 years ago. If he meets a woman online he sends me her picture to get my take on whether I should date her (as opposed to thinking for himself). The one time he did have a girlfriend he apologized to me for not dating a woman as beautiful as the women I've dated. When I see him flirt with waitresses at restaurants it's PAINFUL to watch.

 

• He has the ability to remember something random and mundane I said 15 years ago and, in the present day, will ask me about it (when I have no memory he's talking about).

 

• He ruined a friendship with a second mutual friend because a third mutual friend was getting married and this second mutual friend was the Best Man. He didn't think the second mutual friend was doing a good enough job planning the bachelor party. So he pitched a dramatic fit over something that wasn't even his concern.

 

• I accidentally told him something once about another person that was supposed to be in confidence. Once I realized my mistake I begged him not to say anything.....but he told the person what I said right in front of us during a restaurant dinner.

 

• This morning I teased him and told him he should get even with his mean boss by seducing his wife. I was just joking, of course, but he seemed to take my jokes very seriously and almost have a nervous breakdown.

 

These are just a fraction of the things he's done over the years.

 

I guess I just don't know what is wrong with this guy. His family seems normal. He was in a lot of extra-curricular activities in high school and college so it's not as if he was deprived of learning social skills.

 

He's a nice guy and he means well, but I'm just at the point where I'm a grown-up now, with major grown-up responsibilities, and I can't cope with this juvenile immaturity among friends anymore. I was at the grown-ups table years ago, but this guy seems forever stuck in adolescence.

 

Does anybody have any theories on what might be wrong with this guy?

 

Also, I only have to see this guy maybe three-four times a year (we live 500 miles apart now), but he regards me as one of his best friends and dreams of the day that we live together in the same city again......but I sort of want the guy to move on to other people and lessen his presence in my life.

 

Any advice on how to handle this situation?

[fireflies]

He sounds like his social life is very limited. His prejudices and living situation don't help that. Have you ever tried telling him what bothers you about his beliefs or behavior? You don't have to be cruel, but maybe hearing a different perspective from a best friend would help him see a different take on things. For example, it would be good for him to hear that you like your boss as a person or your take on the way he hits on women. If you're really his friend, he needs to hear how what you think is hurting his prospects in all aspects of his life.

 

The 3-4 times a year sounds like it's already wearing you down. Most people in similar situations stop responding to calls and e-mails from those they're no longer interested in. Having been on both sides of the fence, I think it's kinder and more respectful to try to talk about what bothers you first and go from there.

[mhowe]

There is nothing you can do to change who he is. If you don't want him in your life, stop contact with him.

[Unreasonable]

Doesn't sound like a friend I'd like to have.