Cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years

[12barbe]

So I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is one of the best men I've met. When we first started to date he was in a band that really didn't have any hope. As the years went on he started to leave more and more for tour. I also had an ovarian cyst so we didn't really have sex that often (his penis was to big and it was painful). About 5 months ago I could feel going into a depression. I reached out to my bf (now ex) and he didnt believe depression was a real sickness. At the time I had a guy best friend who consoled me through a lot of my dark times and thoughts. We eventually had a physical relationship. I knew it would never work out between us, but he loved me. So I went camping with my ex bestfriend and my boyfriend found out it was just us 2 and that I had lied about it. I immediately ended contact with my ex best friend. My ex and I said we'd both work on things and try. So for 4 weeks we were amazing. I honestly feel like we fell back in love. Everything was great and we were making plans for our future. He was getting ready to leave to tour for 3 months when the bomb dropped. My ex best friend had sent my ex screen shots of texts we had and my boyfriend eventually found out about our physical relationship. He left me. He texted me saying we would never be together again, that he forgives me but wants to move on. He said hell text me when he's ready. That was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still non functioning. He was my best friend, my everything. I completely know what I did was wrong. Depression is absolutely no excuse.

 

My ex is a very attractive man, so now he's advertising up and down how single he is and hundreds of girls are flocking to him. I know he's doing whatever with them ( which he has every right to). But I can't help myself from looking. He knows how truly sorry I am. I recently got myself into therapy for my depression in hopes of bettering myself because at his point that's all I can do. For myself and for him. Showing change is better than saying you'll change. Right now he's so distracted with what he's doing and has a bunch of guys telling him different things. I don't think he's had the time to reflect on the situation.

 

I'm obviously not contacting him, as he requested. But in my heart I believe that we have is amazing and we could work though it. His situation is a little different because he's going to be gone so much. We talked about kids and getting married in the near future. What can I do? Please no mean comments, I know what I did was horribly wrong and I know for a fact is never in my life do this ever again.

[mhowe]

You can do nothing. He may have forgiven you...but he will never forget. And you compounded it by lying about it. While it is great your are in therapy...it might also be good to explore why you would jeopardize your future with him for attention from someone else.

[catfeeder]

While I, like most people, would never return to someone who cheated, there are 3 things you may want to prepare to offer your ex if he expressed a willingness to consider reconciliation:

 

1) The reason why you cheated. This can't be vague, such as, "I don't know why, it just happened..." because if it just happened once, it could just happen again. You'll need to work with your therapist to dig deep and come up with all the contributing factors that drove you to do it, and you'll need to demonstrate your line of thinking without blaming ex for your behavior.

 

2) A workable plan for how you can ensure both ex and yourself that it will never happen again. This needs to include significant changes you've made and are willing to make in your behavior--not just words.

 

3) A contractual offer of what's in it for him if you ever cheat again. This needs to be big, because your willingness to sign something over to him in contract form should you ever cheat again not only ensures a big enough loss to you if you ever break your word, but it also demonstrates your confidence that you can remain loyal. An example I've seen was a man's boat--if he cheats again, it's in writing that she gets the boat. Period.

 

Someone who would not sign a big number 3 would demo a possible intent to cheat again, so they're not a good bet to return to.

[HeatherB]

He said he's done. Take him at his word. The consequence of your cheating is that he no longer wants to be with you. All you can do is accept it and figure out whether you want monogamy in your next relationship--with someone else.

[SooSad33]

Many times, no matter what is said & done, the one who was cheated on can never accept what's happened and get truly over it.

With something like 'trust' being broken now, no guarantee's of this turning out a success.

 

I deal with depression too, and you're right, that has nothing to do with actions such as this. When i was involved, it was that partner, only. I was not one to stray. If I didn't fancy them any longer, I admitted it and walked away. I also asked for the same. Respect.

 

I highly suggest you keep working on your issues, whether he'll come around again or not. No matter what, you do this for YOU. No matter what happens in your Life, YOU are the one you're going to have to live with, until the end.

 

Good luck

[Longview01]

Lesson learned

 

If you had confessed to cheating you might have been able to save your relationship but in all honesty you shouldn't of cheated in the first place.

 

Learn from it and try to move on

[Unreasonable]

Yeah... chalk this up to a life lesson and move on.

 

Sometimes, things have consequences, and all the wishes and sorrys in the world can't take them away.

 

This is the lesson of why you don't cheat. Sorry you had to learn it first hand.

[ChestRockwell]

Realize that you don't really love your boyfriend. Or rather, you aren't "in love" with him. If you were you wouldn't of cheated, depression or no depression. You went on a camping trip alone with another man and you still try to sit there and say you love this guy? It is no surprise he wants nothing to do with you.

 

Also what I am going to say is a bit harsh, but: you need to stop feeding yourself nonsense about how you know in your heart you love him and this can work out. That is a fairy tale you are telling yourself. You crossed a line and this is one of those things when once you cross the line you can't uncross it. There are some things in life you CAN uncross, but sleeping with another person is not one of them. So, realize that your ex deserves better and let him go. Of course he is going to flaunt he is single..he was just heavily betrayed.