Progressing too quick

[Jaydom]

Hi peeps, just want to know your opinion on this:

I went out with this guy about a week ago, met him on a dating website. When I first saw him I thought "Meh. Not gonna happen". However, in the process of our conversation I found him to be more and more attractive: we both work in a creative field, we share many leisure interests, he is very intelligent, he seems to care about the world in general, and about the less fortunate in particular... and the way he looked at me made my knees weak. The date lasted about 5 hours and by the end of the night, there were sparks flying all over the damn place. Over the week he texted me every day. Which is all good and dandy, however:

1. He seems to be a bit aggressive in his pursuit. There was a lot of "touching" from his side. Nothing inappropriate (he put his hand on my back at some point, when we were walking, he put his arm around me, when we were sitting down on a bench, he had his arm around me too), but he seemed to have jumped in to the physical contact before I indicated I was ready for it. Yesterday he called me "babe"... which I didn't really mind so much, except, again, I feel like it is just too quick.

2. He made some unsolicited sexual comments to me on the phone (i.e. he imagines seeing me naked). Another time, I told him that I was just out of the shower and he responded that the thought of me in the shower just made his day. I kinda feel like that's... kinda sweet? But after one date?

3. We have another date later on today, and when we were talking, trying to figure out what we should do, he asked me if I wanted to come over to his place and watch a movie. I politely declined and said that it sounds great, but I think we should leave that to another day. I am pretty sure I noticed some disappointment in his voice.

 

Despite of all the chemistry that is happening, I am also yet to meet a man that jumps the gun at first, yet doesn't freak out down the line. It's happened too many times that something that's very intense right off the bat burned out just as fast as it started. I am not looking for a fling.

 

Like I said, I am going to see him later on today. I am looking forward to it, but I also realize that... well, i feel like we may be looking for different things. I feel like I should have told him what I was looking for before the date today, but for whatever reason, I didn't. I mean, my profile indicated that I was looking for a long term relationship... That counts, right?

 

So, any opinions on this? Would love to hear some points of view.

 

Update: Well, I guess I have my question answered. He just called and said that he's not feeling well and cancelled our date. Said maybe next week. I have a feeling that's not going to happen.

[Realitynut]

Having sparks fly is not a bad thing....especially if it's not just a physical thing...but a MENTAL! It happens all the time. A hand on your back is sweet. Nothing inappropriate at all...in my opinion.

 

Also, when you tell a guy that you just got out of the shower, i would say MOST would say...woo-hoo....wish i was there...or something to that extent!

 

Just tell him today, that you feel like there is a lot of chemistry, but you want to take it slow.

 

NOTHING...and i mean NOTHING is guaranteed in life, that what you think is going to be long term, and it doesn't end up that way. I mean, most marriages start, and they think it's going to be forever...not.

 

So just slowing it down, doesn't mean it WILL last.

Or being fast and furious right off the bat, doesn't mean it WON'T last!

 

Just enjoy the moment. If it's moving too fast for you, tell him. Don't start off with the 'serious' talk...I'm looking for my future husband...are you him? lol....makes a guy freak.

 

Just enjoy him. It's hard to find someone you have a connection with. Believe me! Don't freak, calm down. Enjoy.

 

If he crosses the line anyway, just firmly say that you aren't ready. Good luck!

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with you. I think he's a player who was trying to rush you into something, most likely bed. When they invade your personal space right at the get-go, come on very intensely and then flake on you it's pretty typical player moves. He was hoping to get laid right then and there, now he's going to focus his energy to get laid on someone else rather than put more time and effort into you--i.e. another girl to pursue and you are already last week's shiny object. And those interests of his can easily be faked just to create a false sense of intimacy. At one week you don't know the guy and he's already bowing out with the oldest excuse in the book "I'm not feeling well," following your refusal to come over to his place. Although when he thought he could get you over there he wasn't sick then was he? Maybe it's true he wasn't feeling well, but people who are interested will usually make it a point to reschedule rather than drop a lame excuse then disappear. And they don't change their plans in the blink of an eye once they've been told no either. Chances are somewhere down the line he'll contact you again when his new option has run out and he'll be just as intense then do the same thing, rinse and repeat, ho-hum that old game. You'd be really smart to keep dating other people and take the time to get to really know him and observe how he treats other people, talks about past relationships and so forth before you decide whether this one is a keeper or not.

 

My advice: take your time and realize that one, two, even three good dates do not mean something will work out or that the guy in front of you is someone you even want to be in touch with long term. Try three months and then okay, maybe. Beware of the really touchy-feely ones right off the bat or even say, "Excuse me, but you're making me a bit uncomfortable," then remove their hand to let them know they are coming on way too fast. You've been through this game before, you didn't like it, move on.

[HeartGoesOn]

It looks pretty straight forward to me. He bailed after being denied a booty call, therefore I would say you dodged a bullet.

[faraday]

Well, if he cancelled, who knows if a second date is even going to happen. Did he try to reschedule?

 

If you do have a second date...keep it in public places until you're more comfortable with the physical aspect. If he picks you up, meet him at the door. Don't invite him in. But totally make out with him at the door...let him know you find him attractive...just that you're not ready to go farther.

 

I absolutely love the hand on the lower back. Love it. It's one of my favourite things....it's like...one of those things that when done to me, makes me feel incredibly feminine.

 

Just take it one date at a time.

[Jaydom]

Well, if he cancelled, who knows if a second date is even going to happen. Did he try to reschedule?

He said "maybe on Friday?", but he didn't sound very confident about it. My bet is that I won't hear from him again.

[Jaydom]

It looks pretty straight forward to me. He bailed after being denied a booty call, therefore I would say you dodged a bullet.

 

I agree. My gut is yet to be wrong and my alarm bells were going off, based on the intensity, even before he cancelled. Glad I paid attention.

[missmarple]

The others have said it all. I just wanted to add that what you put on your profile doesn't matter. Many men don't even read them and even if they do, they still try their luck if what they want is a fling.

I always make it a point to mention I'm looking for something long-term when I meet someone for the first time...don't wait for a second date before you do.

[Jaydom]

The others have said it all. I just wanted to add that what you put on your profile doesn't matter. Many men don't even read them and even if they do, they still try their luck if what they want is a fling.

I always make it a point to mention I'm looking for something long-term when I meet someone for the first time...don't wait for a second date before you do.

Yeah, I know. It was more of a joke what i said about my profile. I usually bring it up within the first few dates... or even before sometimes.

[Sportster2005]

Two thoughts.

 

Men should wait for the woman first to make with the sexy talk.

 

Second, my experience is, the faster they come on, the faster they leave.

[catfeeder]

He made some unsolicited sexual comments to me on the phone (i.e. he imagines seeing me naked).

 

After one date? Then he invites you to his place for date 2. Then he bails after you decline and set a date in public instead.

 

The question for me would be whether he'd want to reschedule, the question for me would be, why would I WANT him to reschedule?

 

You dodged a bullet--I'd stay dodged.

[nutbrownhare]

When you say "Despite of all the chemistry that is happening, I am also yet to meet a man that jumps the gun at first, yet doesn't freak out down the line. It's happened too many times that something that's very intense right off the bat burned out just as fast as it started. I am not looking for a fling."

 

You are absolutely spot on.

 

Your description of the way he was on your date suggests someone with boundary issues; I'm a tactile person, but it's always accompanied by thoughts of how much would be appropriate for the relationship - but he was in there, right off the bat. The rest of your description of him made my flesh creep -as you say, too much too fast.

 

Suggesting another date in public was absolutely right. A genuine guy wouldn't have bailed.

[Jaydom]

When you say "Despite of all the chemistry that is happening, I am also yet to meet a man that jumps the gun at first, yet doesn't freak out down the line. It's happened too many times that something that's very intense right off the bat burned out just as fast as it started. I am not looking for a fling."

 

You are absolutely spot on.

 

Your description of the way he was on your date suggests someone with boundary issues; I'm a tactile person, but it's always accompanied by thoughts of how much would be appropriate for the relationship - but he was in there, right off the bat. The rest of your description of him made my flesh creep -as you say, too much too fast.

 

Suggesting another date in public was absolutely right. A genuine guy wouldn't have bailed.

 

Thanks. I should have specified though, we had plans to hang out at a park. We made that plan first. He then suggested to watch a movie at his place, which I declined. I don't think it changes much though anyway.