mhowe Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 If you let your emotions win this battle...you will ultimately lose. Engage your brain and logic and hold fast. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Thanks for the kind words Cherry. Unfortunately for me, I still have to learn not to fully trust. After my almost 40 years, you' think I'd have learned by now! Takes me a while to open up and trust..nut once youve earned it, youve earned it. I am too until I meet someone I deem worthy . Then I lose myself! Yeah, I totally agree with you dear. But is this really new news for you? And I mean, isn't it common knowledge not to date married men (separated or not)? Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 he's divorced... not separated Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 OMG. that is awful. Thing is though.....you just don't know most of the time. People can seem like they've got it all together....then you fall, and it all comes out on their end. I will be going nc, but I think he will be back in one form or another.... I've either got my phone turned off or hidden far from my reach, so I really have to think about it when I get the urge to text.. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Good for you. I would write out all my thoughts and ask him questions and answer then the way I thought he would. It would get it out of my head and I could sleep. And in the morning I would shred them at work. Whatever works for you. Link to comment
janut1 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 My X BF was all in, supposedly, did all the things you talked about here. He told me he was separated from his wife for 1 year when we met, but later confess to me that it had only been 6 months at that time. I told him I was not interested in being a rebound, and maybe thats what I was and thats why we didn't last... So now that I think back, he was separated in June, we met online in August and finally met in person in October, so he was out looking for someone 2 months after 14 year marriage and dove right in with me. He seem 100% committed to me and I was the one that wasn't 100% sure I was committed. Time went by and I did eventually fall in love, but man I should of run when I heard that he was only 6 months out, or really only 4. He did tend to lie about things. Why do I care about this guy? My heart is still breaking. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 It took me years to heal from the break up of an 8 yr relationship...it was not a marriage. So anyone who tells you they are "over it" in months is either deluded or was never "in",it to begin with. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 It took me years to heal from the break up of an 8 yr relationship...it was not a marriage. So anyone who tells you they are "over it" in months is either deluded or was never "in",it to begin with. This is so true, anyone who has only just got out of a marriage is not emotionally available!! Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 So true. Unfortunately.......... Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 It is so annoying though because they 'act' emotionally available which means it is so easy to get burnt & you don't realise their true emotional baggage until it is too late. Do you think back and remember any red flags that you maybe ignored subconsciously before? Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 oh yes ma'am.....probably too many to choose from! I totally ignored them, cause I wanted him. Man he is a catch. Pain in the butt, but a catch. Minus the messed up head of course His ex wife was a fool. And I knew we both wanted it to work. His intensity at the beginning was probably a big tip off. I only just realized that now. We met and clicked instantly. Two days later he invited me out to his friends place. Pretty well attached at the hip from then on. Him telling me he wanted us to work time and again, but then telling me he wasnt ready. Showing me all sorts of emotion and love but panicking if I did the same. Geez.. it all boils down to him denying what we have I guess. He even admitted he wasnt being honest with himself more than once. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 He isn't a catch because he is emotionally unavailable, in the long run do you really want someone with emotional baggage? Don't you want someone completely devoted to you who would hate to lose you? Some people never get over the past, the guy I was seeing was hurt 10 years ago and still couldn't get past it! Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 Yes you (and me both) should have run. The funny thing is that you know full well when its starting that its just going to spell disaster..but you do it anyway. Mine was similar to you in that he was online dating before we met - even told me and closed his account for me, and actually dated two women for short periods ( 2 months each approx). I figured (wished?) he got it out of his system...At least I was worth 10 months lol. How long were you with yours? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Everyone has emotional baggage. The issue is whether it has been taken apart and folded neatly to be stored....or it is a jumbled mess. Life and love don't come with guarantees. Our own ability to detect that which may harm us is what keeps us safe...to a degree. Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 He isn't a catch because he is emotionally unavailable, in the long run do you really want someone with emotional baggage? Don't you want someone completely devoted to you who would hate to lose you? Some people never get over the past, the guy I was seeing was hurt 10 years ago and still couldn't get past it! You are right! No I don't but I think everyone has some baggage to some extent. (was that just an excuse?) The worst part about it is this guy treated me like he was devoted. I hate to say it, but better than any boyfriend I have had. That is sad. Time will tell, because I know he doesn't want to lose me. He's going to have to live with the consequences so we will see how much he needs me I guess. But I wont make it easy on him. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 We were both single. He was separated at the time we met, and divorced about six months ago. They were done when we met. (she cheated on him after a 20 year marriage and moved out). He was hurt but no chance of reconciliation on either side. he's divorced... not separated From your own words, he was not divorced when you met. He is divorced now but not when you met. My only point is that it should be very clear in this day and age that it's unwise to date someone who is still legally married. Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 well in my defense, she had moved out long before we met and was living with someone new, so he was as good as single to me. But I understand what you're saying. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 it concerns me that instead of moving on you are just waiting for him to come back to you, for your own good i think you should begin to get into the mind frame that he isn't coming back and begin to move on. Then if he does decide he is ready to comit to you it will be a bonus. But to just wait for him will delay your healing process! Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks for the concern, but I'm actually not waiting. I'm upset, but I'm not waiting. I can actually say that and mean it. I'm not looking for anyone, but I'm going to do my thing. Whether its going out, or having a pity party for one...I'm down, but relatively ok. I take things hard. This is just toughening me up. Don't get me wrong, I'd love it if he came back, but I know he has to want to. If he doesn't come back romantically, it will be for friends which I don't want at this time. I can't be friends with someone I am still attracted to. He's got stuff to figure out, that will take a long time. I probably do too. I'm a romantic at heart, but tough as nails at the same time yet I do have a very hard time letting go..that goes with anyone in my life including friends and family. I love and I love hard. He's the same way which is why i say he will be back. He prides himself on not dropping people from his life. I can admire him for that, but it's not for me if I've loved you and you broke my heart. Personally I think it's because he has an even harder time letting go. Hell he's friends with all his exes (ex wife excluded). I won't be part of that. It's only been a few days for me, so I probably haven't really come to terms or really processed anything just yet. I love the feedback this post has gotten, and was trying to post honest, and funny advice.... partially to write out what I already knew, and to help others who have done the same thing.. Link to comment
janut1 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Yes you (and me both) should have run. The funny thing is that you know full well when its starting that its just going to spell disaster..but you do it anyway. Mine was similar to you in that he was online dating before we met - even told me and closed his account for me, and actually dated two women for short periods ( 2 months each approx). I figured (wished?) he got it out of his system...At least I was worth 10 months lol. How long were you with yours? I was with him for 19 months. He rarely spoke of her, but I did ask a couple times in the beginning if he was still in love with her, he would say No. Their relationship ended badly. She was a lot younger then him, and cheated on him with the x husband of his sons wife when he was on a business trip. YES, lots of drama in that family even to this day. When he found out, he flew out to his daughters home in another state and avoided her from that point on and they never spoke again. They are still not divorced, but she has moved on with another guy and had a baby. I never even thought that I was a rebound because he had told me it been a year, before he confessed. Our relationship was a lot of fun and we were also attached at the hip pretty quickly, although I did not fall in love with him for awhile he did with me pretty quickly. He did tell me that I might be a rebound the first time he decided "we were done in February" If we even had a small argument, nothing big, he started saying, you know I think Im done or he would tell me "you need to find someone else because you deserved it," or he would just say he wasn't worth it and I should leave him. He was incredibly jealous of my X husband too. Both his X wifes cheated on him, so that made sense. But I know why they did now and won't talk about that out of respect for him. He didn't believe that I wouldn't cheat on him and would have a really hard time if I had to be around my X because of our kids. I am NOT a cheater, and no matter how badly my marriage got, never thought about it. He just couldn't deal and that happened a couple weeks ago when my daughter graduated college He freaked out all day because I was around my X Husband. He made the day very stressful with all his texts about how I shouldn't be with my X and how he doesn't deserve my company, then he would say, forget about me, Im not worth it. Very low self esteem. That was less then a month ago. Now its been 14 days since we talked/texted except for a couple days ago when he asked me to send baseball tickets back to him. I think that is why Im in shocked, but then seeing your post, its making more sense that I was a rebound for him and he needs to get his act together, deal with his emotions so he can maybe have a healthy relationship. Link to comment
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