windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My ex and I both had rebounds after we broke up. Recently we've been talking a lot and she's been wanting to get back together, and I know that if I play my cards right I can get her back within a matter of weeks. However, there is one problem. My ex rebounded, and is still in the midst(although they are not going good from what I can tell) of a rebound with one of her closest guy best friends. This guy has been a threat to our relationship from the very beggining. He always tried to put me down in the eyes of my ex, and always wanted to get with her. My ex and I both didn't really care and brushed it off. Then one day, I broke up with my ex for a few days because I thought I got bored. She got with that bestfriend and I got with someone else. I freaked out, and basically forbade her to talk to him and see him while we dated. I became really insecure and that was one of the main reasons we broke up. My ex couldn't really see her friends because they were all in one big group, and that guy was always there. From what my ex tells me her and her bestfriend are purely casual. They don't talk that much, and she doesn't have any feelings for him. I know that she has a high sex drive and is always horny, and without me there she turns to him to fulfill her needs. They have done everything but sex, but have talked about casual non-exclusive sex also. There are a lot of pictures of them together on line, but I asssume my ex did that just to make me jealous. At one point, immediately after the breakup, my ex chose this best friend over me. I was really needy and clingy so I don't blame her. Since then, I have gotten my most of my self back and my ex is all over me. She tries to talk to me everyday, says how much she misses me and us together. The one time we hung out she was all over me and we were kissing and laughing and holding each other. If I do get back with her, I don't want another repeat of our past relationship. The reason I was so insecure about this guy before was that it caught me so off-guard. I thought this girl was mine and all over me and then she hooks up with her bestfriend the night we break up(only for a few days). This time, I'd like to think I won't repeat my mistakes. I've accepted them and perhaps if I hang out with both of them, perhaps I would worry about it less. I know that my ex never had feelings for him, and that it's strictly physical. However, this guy, who she's hooked up with multiple times a week for the last 1-2 months, will always be around her when I'm not there. Do you think that this is something that I or anyone can deal with? Or is it a lost cause and it's better to just move on? Link to comment
autumnsun Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 After all the insecurity and jealousy about this guy, plus the fact she is now basically seeing him, do you really think you could move past that? I doubt it. It is tough to feel insecure, but to feel insecure about one particular person and know that person is not going away is a tough thing. She will never leave her friendship with him, and even if she does, I believe she would eventually resent you for keeping her away from her other friends. A friend of mine always has a saying about people getting into, and then out of, sexual relationships: Once you go to the moon, you can always go back. Do you think you would ever be comfortable with her spending time with him, even in a casual setting? It would probably drive you nuts. Sometimes we people try to convince ourselves that we can get past certain things because we so badly want to be in a relationship with a particular person. Think long and hard about whether or not you could actually get beyond this. None of us can tell you if it is possible or not, but I would venture to say it is highly unlikely. It might be best to cut the cord and move on. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 You would maybe have a chance if she were willing to let this other guy go for good and change her need to play to men off each other. But having some guy who already was and still is and likely will be vulturing your relationship every chance he gets? No. And why didn't she bounce him to the curb the moment he bad-mouthed you? A good partner doesn't tolerate people who are clearly trying to undermine their relationship from the get-go. Plus it sounds like your ex has a real need to have two guys on the line at all times and that she enjoys the drama and jealousy of it all. My sense is it's more about her having two guys to play off each other than it is her really wanting you back. I'd tell her no dice unless the "friend" is gone from her life for good. And tell her it's not about the sleeping together when you're apart, it's all the times he tried to backstab you while you were both together and she did nothing to stop it. There's the heart of the matter. And then when you broke up what did she do? Make the guy completely right, that's what. And that whole "we're just casual" comment should make you run for the hills. "Oh, you just see sex as something casual and to heck with what he might feel for you? What a great humanitarian and empathic person you aren't." I'm sure this "friend" isn't told it's casual with him, but I'd bet anything she says that about you to him or even "well, he's clingy and won't let go of me, I'm trying to let him down easy you know?" In others words, yeah she's playing you both against each other. Don't believe me? Get him aside and ask him straight up what it is she says about you and tell him what she says about him. Compare notes. I'm sure you'll both be upset how much she paints each of as the bad guy to the other. You're better off telling her that threes a crowd and you want someone who knows how to draw healthy boundaries with their friends, she doesn't. And just go NC already and finish recovering your self-esteem. Find a girl who doesn't feel the need to have a relationship vulture hovering in the background at all times ready to pounce the moment they sense the relationship is in trouble or wounded. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 You can certainly tell her not to contact you until a) the relationship/hooking up is done with them and b) she completely cuts ties with him. But I don't think she'd ever cut ties with him. And that's why I think you should move on or you will just repeat the past. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 First of all, this guy was never her "friend". He was constantly trying to get with her and then lurking for the right opportunity which happened when you broke up. I am puzzled why she continued to keep this guy around if she was in a relationship with you. Unless, she viewed him as backup. Either way, it is way too messed up now. I would vote for a fresh start with a new girl who would be exclusive to you. Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 The ex and the rebound are all part if a bigger group of friends, her only group. So her cutting him out of her life isn't really an option(she did it once and missed her other friends and we broke up). Back when he tried to get with her they weren't that close. They still aren't really close, they just hangout with their other friends and hookup at the end of the night. I actually know the guy and recentely became friendly with him. From his perspective it's casual also, and he's interested in other girls besides her. Also, from what she told me, she believes that she only recentely got attractive just as we started dating.(lost some weight). She never had a fling without commitment and that's why she bounced so quickly to it after we broke up. Her best friend was just right there. To a point, I think I can deal it with just because it was purely physical and I know there were no feeling involved. But months into our relationship, these problems might resurface so I don't know. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I think you'd like to think you could get past it, but you can't. She's going to stay friends. He's still going to want to bang her. She's still going to flirt with him. And if/when you two "break," they are going to get naked again. Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 You're right, I wouldn't. She suggested bringing me along when she hangs out with him and incorporating me into their group. Would that work? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Would that work for you? It seems like it's going backwards to the original problem. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Well, now I'm confused. You're suddenly defending both of them and how it all isn't serious, they weren't really that close, blah-blah-blah. And yet your title and post says they're best friends, so which is it? How about you having something casual with another girl in the group then all of you can swap off and be fine with it. And no, I'm not joking on that. It's called equality in a relationship if that's the relationship you have on the table in front of you and yes, it is. Of course, if you want something serious I think you're going to be in for a very rude surprise when you find their "just casual" thing doesn't end. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 The ex and the rebound are all part if a bigger group of friends, her only group. So her cutting him out of her life isn't really an option(she did it once and missed her other friends and we broke up). So by the same token, she has no other options when it comes down to sleeping with him? You're being taken for a ride, my friend. Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 Just talked to her. Basically all bull about her ending it with the rebound now and coming back to me. She said that she understand if I don't want her back, but that she'll do anything to make it work. She again suggested me coming along to when she hangs out with her friends so I become comfortable. Do I buy it? Her solution seems like it might work. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Just talked to her. Basically all bull about her ending it with the rebound now and coming back to me. She said that she understand if I don't want her back, but that she'll do anything to make it work. She again suggested me coming along to when she hangs out with her friends so I become comfortable. Do I buy it? Her solution seems like it might work. So the No Contact talk in the other thread went in one ear and out the other. Dude, stop being such a weak sap. Go No Contact and stop being a pawn in her game. Get some goddamn pride. Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 Ah I know but with her begging for me back got me talking again. It is my understanding that NC is useful when you just got dumped, your ex wants nothing to do with you, and you want her back. My ex and I broke up mutually, she initiates all contact, and she talks about us getting back together. She said and even I noticed that she misses me when we do talk. When we don't she begins to move on. Now I'm not saying I should bombard her with texts every hour. But if she's the one always trying to see me and contact me, clearly her interest level is high enough that NC is not needed. At this point isn't it better to just play the game and treat her like an ordinary girl I'm trying to pick up? Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Ah I know but with her begging for me back got me talking again. It is my understanding that NC is useful when you just got dumped, your ex wants nothing to do with you, and you want her back. My ex and I broke up mutually, she initiates all contact, and she talks about us getting back together. She said and even I noticed that she misses me when we do talk. When we don't she begins to move on. Now I'm not saying I should bombard her with texts every hour. But if she's the one always trying to see me and contact me, clearly her interest level is high enough that NC is not needed. At this point isn't it better to just play the game and treat her like an ordinary girl I'm trying to pick up? No. But who cares, you aren't listening now and you won't listen ever. She's using you as a security blanket and you are too foolish to see it. But best of luck -- maybe you have to be punched in the heart several hundred more times before this sinks in. All she is saying are empty words. She's still hooking up with the other guy. You're a sucker, but you want to be a sucker. So go be a sucker. Good luck. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Wrong. NC is not a manipulation tool to lure someone back. NC is a tool for you to get some clarity and review the situation without new stimulation from her clouding your mind. With several weeks of NC, you might see just how crazy this situation is and decide you want to get off this merry-go-round. Regardless, it is your choice. If you continue on with her, it is likely that 6 months, one year later, you will look back at this missed opportunity to break this cycle and have some regret that you did not make different decisions. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 All she is saying are empty words. She's still hooking up with the other guy. You're a sucker, but you want to be a sucker. So go be a sucker. Good luck. If she had cut him off, it would be worth talking to her. But she's keeping him in her life. So, I agree with Shane. At some point, she will get over you. With all this contact, you are speeding up that process for her. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Do I buy it? Her solution seems like it might work. Wind...Would you be interested in a bridge I have for sale? Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 Look it's just really hard to imagine someone you care about being so manipulative. Like I was ussualy bad to her and she was caring and great I don't see her capable of manipulation. I was always a priority over that guy. For the first month she was making out with him and then sleeping with me behind his back. Then I told him and her friends and she got shunned for being easy and sleeping with her ex. I was the first to have a rebound, I went on dates with girls while she had very casual hookups. I could see her being more hurt by all of this than I am. However, I do acknowledge that I might be blinded by my feelings and that you guys might be right. So here is what I plan to do: I told her that it will never work because of the other guy. She argued it for a bit but I ignored her. She said she was planning on ending it with the other guy when she gets back from her trip, because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. We are both on vacations for the next 2 weeks. I plan on doing actual NC and reevaluating what I want. After I get back I'm sure she'll get try to contact me again. If she actually ends it with the friend then I pick her up like any other girl-make her work for it. If she's still with him I move on-which will be easy at that point. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Take the two weeks and use NC to sort out what is best for YOU. Be cautious of the option of taking her back as an occasional booty call. You admit you have feelings for her. You are joking with yourself if you think you could ever just be casual with her. She would use even that limited contact to mess up your life. There are tons of other women other. Good luck! Link to comment
sharky988 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 For the first month she was making out with him and then sleeping with me behind his back. And you say you don't believe she's capable of being manipulative? Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 You guys were all right. It just hit me. Her last text(before I blocked her) said "I don't want you wanting someone like you wanted me. You're supposed to be mine". NOW I FINALLY SEE IT. For the longest time, she would do anything for me. She cooked,baked,dropped her plans, was always available all of for me. She even comments on that now and how madly whipped she was. For god's sakes she didn't see most of her friends for many months, just because I forbade her to see the current rebound guy. Recently, since the breakup I made some wrong moves and she got the upper hand for the first time in a while. She's had it for 3 months now. She realized that she finally had the power, and she would take advantage of it. She used her bestfriend to do it because she knows that I am sensitive about him. Anyone else I would have not cared. She played me for 3 months, while enjoying her best friend in the process. Now she finally realizes that I came to my senses. She "doesn't want me to want someone else as badly as I wanted her"-aka she wants me to be devoted and hopelessly attached to her and not someone else. "You were supposed to be mine"aka she's flustered that my devotion to her is suddenly gone. I'm doing NC just to get back to myself. I don't blame my ex for all of these things. I messed up and gave her this power, of course she would take advantage of it who wouldn't. I do believe that my ex does want me back for genuine reasons, but that can't nor will it happen until I get back to myself. She wants me, but when she sees my emotional and devoted self the alternative of using me a bit longer is too tempting. I will not contact my ex until I can see her as just another girl I couldn't care less about. Someone I will try to pick up, and if I don't, I couldn't care less. If that never happens and I don't see her as an average girl than I will avoid all contact with her permanently. In that case its better to move on and be just as happy with someone without all of this baggage and the potential and tools to hurt you. Link to comment
Raoul Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 If it's all about 'who has the power' Windy, pack it up. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 This is good to hear. Sadly when relationships become power struggles then yes it is pretty much over. And sometimes someone gets a taste for being in a triangle, something that sadly popular novels and movies make out to be a wonderful thing. (Gag) You are smart to block her and move on, because playing a ridiculous game like that just isn't going to help anyone. And that whole possessiveness thing is not acceptable. My SO told me about a woman he dated for a year who suddenly broke up with him to date someone else. She had the nerve to tell him, "I want to date other people and I know I don't have a right to ask it, but would you not date other women until I get this out of my system." He looked at her and said, "You're right, you don't have a right to ask that, and nope I am dating other women because we are officially over for good." Then he left and blocked and deleted her from all contact. We bumped into her at an art event a couple of months ago and she spent the whole evening pouting in the corner over the fact he was with me. He could've cared less. So stupid, she blew a good thing. Go ahead and stay NC. You know you're doing the right thing. Link to comment
windwarrior Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 Yes, no matter what she says I know this is the best thing to do. Staying in contact with each other hasn't accomplished anything in the past 3 months so NC is the only option. It's been less than a day and she is already messaging me saying she wants to be mine and asking me to unblock her. It will be hard to not give in- she knows what buttons to push. Link to comment
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