The Chronicles of Bunney's Love Life

[TMifune]

I'm glad anyone is reading this at all & the fact that you're one of my favorite enotaloners makes it even better!

 

Thanks. This was comment was a bright spot in an otherwise unpleasant day!

[Batya33]

I would take it one date at a time with Marc and I wouldn't think of it as having to choose between men -right now you are not dating anyone and one of the men is someone you have never met in person. Certainly if you were dating two men for a month or more and there was an issue of becoming exclusive that could be tough.

[Bunney]

I would take it one date at a time with Marc and I wouldn't think of it as having to choose between men -right now you are not dating anyone and one of the men is someone you have never met in person. Certainly if you were dating two men for a month or more and there was an issue of becoming exclusive that could be tough.

 

Thank you, I agree with all your points!

[Bunney]

ughh, it's really hard to find some alone time at work. few times in the last week i secretly went back to the room after everyone left, just so we could chitchat some (and ended up in the closeness mentioned in the last post).

 

we did the same thing today, he was going to walk me to the bus station but in the elevator we ran into some co-workers who were on their way to the bus station too, so obviously we didn't end up being alone at all (except for having had lunch together alone today).

 

what I noticed today is that I can feel myself getting less relaxed, like I'm way more self-conscious now around him now, watching what I say etc. ... maybe I'm even worried that he'll change his mind about me (little scarred by the past experiences, which can also be read about in this journal) and find that he does not like me that much after all. I dont let all that show of course, I think I always make a very relaxed and 'cool' impression..

 

we've been writing some on whatsapp right now though and everything seems positive. Bah, I hate liking someone, it stresses me out lol.

 

Maybe he's worried about what I think, too? Lookswise I am far out of his league, maybe he thinks I have a million other guys after me. Decided to go to the gym tomorrow to clear my head some.. I feel like I am wayyyy confused right now or got too many emotions going on.

[Batya33]

You have not gone on a date yet and you don't even have a date planned -so, yes, just like everyone, he might change his mind for a hundred reasons none of them personal to you (or even if so, nothing that you did wrong). Keep your expectations much more realistic -head in the clouds but feet in the ground. This is someone you just met who suggested maybe going on a date in the future. That is all. Nothing to be "scarred" about from "past experiences" - we all have experienced someone we are attracted to not asking us out on a date or asking us tentatively and then not following through. It's called dating. It requires a thick skin. I thought dating with all its stress and disappointment was totally worth it because of my marriage/child goal - I would not have felt that way, at all, if I did not want those things 110% - too much work/stress in that case. You might feel differently of course!

[Bunney]

You have not gone on a date yet and you don't even have a date planned -so, yes, just like everyone, he might change his mind for a hundred reasons none of them personal to you (or even if so, nothing that you did wrong). Keep your expectations much more realistic -head in the clouds but feet in the ground. This is someone you just met who suggested maybe going on a date in the future. That is all. Nothing to be "scarred" about from "past experiences" - we all have experienced someone we are attracted to not asking us out on a date or asking us tentatively and then not following through. It's called dating. It requires a thick skin. I thought dating with all its stress and disappointment was totally worth it because of my marriage/child goal - I would not have felt that way, at all, if I did not want those things 110% - too much work/stress in that case. You might feel differently of course!

 

 

Well anyone who knows me on a deeper level, knows that exactly that issue is a recurring pattern in my life and something I really struggle with. It has happened many, many times that in the beginning, a person thought I was totally awesome but after a while changed their mind about me and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Not just guys but also friends - actually the girl I wrote about at the end of page 2, the bisexual who had feelings for me at first, told me at the end of our friendship (after traveling together for a month) that she thought I was the greatest person ever in the beginning, but after a few months, after getting to know me better, found that she really couldn't stand me after all. Her words. Or the guy that I started this journal about - was thrilled about me at first, and yea, anyone who read this journal knows how it ended. But it's been an ongoing pattern for years now so these are just examples.#

 

So I think it's normal for me to kind of worry that the same thing could happen again now, but luckily I am now aware of some of the things about me that drove people away in the past and I've definitely been working on being a better version of myself.

[Batya33]

" a person thought I was totally awesome but after a while changed their mind about me and wanted nothing to do with me anymore"

 

Yes that is a pattern for almost everyone -people change their mind early on in getting to know someone/dating. The difference is you- you choose to jump to conclusions and assumptions that the person is "awesome" and "really into you" because of sweet words - get to know a person by dating them over a period of time and if you see a pattern where someone, after 6 months or more of regular dating and acting (not just words) in a way that shows commitment, caring, etc - then suddenly changes his mind - that might be something to be concerned about. Might.

 

It's not about knowing you on a deeper level in this case -it's obvious from what you write that you created this intensity by your assumptions and choosing to get caught up in early infatuation. I am not saying these people are lying to you -they feel that way in the beginning and express it, then realize a bit later that the compatibility/click is not there. This person you work with barely knows you and has not asked you out on an actual date yet so if he changes his mind it's not that he knew you very well, dated you, and changed his mind -it's just that he enjoyed a brief flirtation but decided not to see you further.

 

Watch the feet -over time -the actions - not the lips -what he says.

 

Do you get clingy when you make these kinds of assumptions early on? That might be something you can change.

[Bunney]

No, I do not get clingy, ever. Not that kind of girl. What kind of assumptions? I didnt make any assumptions, this is just a journal where I vent thoughts and him maybe deciding that he didn't like me after all was just something that crossed my mind and nothing that was based on any actual events or behaviors from his side. Just my deepest inner insecurities about being not good enough for someone.

 

And like I said, this has been a pattern with not only relationships but also friendships.

 

It doesn't even matter though, I didn't want my journal to turn into some discussion. I do appreciate input but I dont feel like having to explain my thoughts/concerns all the time, yes I know he might change his mind, I'm not a little naive girl, and if he did, I'd suck it up and move on. He has already written to me today and keeps mentioning the dinner he wants to take me on when he's no longer our trainer. So there's nothing really to be 'concerned about' at this moment, all my posts are just me letting out whatever thoughts or worries I have.

[Batya33]

The assumption that a person you recently met is awesome/thinks you are awesome/is into you. That sets up unrealistic expectations and the belief that there is some sort of "pattern" of people changing their minds. Rather, it's simply that you have these unrealistic expectations (IMO) and instead of reacting to a person who barely knows you and doesn't ask you out as "oh well, that's dating" you choose to see some sort of deep-seated pattern where people who you believe are "awesome" or are "so into you" all of a sudden change their minds.

 

No one asked you to explain your thoughts or concerns or referred to you as a naive girl. It's fine to express thoughts and worries -I thought you wanted input on whether your perceptions were in line with the reality of dating/getting to know people. Like wondering what to do about having two men in your life when one man you've never met and the other you haven't even had a date with.

 

People mention dinners/coffees/movies, etc regularly -but in my world, unless there is a time/place plan there is no plan or date. Words that don't involve a specific plan are just words and I am suggesting to you not to get your hopes up that there will be an actual date. If you are uncomfortable with his vague references to a dinner or whatever I suggest you say to him "sounds great -let me know when you're ready to make a plan" or "sounds great -did you have a particular day in mind?"

 

Done giving input -perhaps you prefer to focus on your insecurities and analyze situations so that it seems like some deep seated intense pattern. If that works for you, go for it!

[Bunney]

Those "assumptions" I mentioned were based on words that people have actually told me - like the girl I was friends with for a year who said "I was the greatest person ever" in the beginning and then couldn't stand me after getting to know me better.

I dont just 'assume' that people think I am awesome.

 

No, he said he will ask me out when we switch trainers, which is on wednesday. so we'll see.. I dont have sky high or "unrealistic" expectations as you say.

 

I didn't wonder what to do about having two guys in my life. I was just writing down what was going on in my dating world at the moment.

 

" -perhaps you prefer to focus on your insecurities and analyze situations so that it seems like some deep seated intense pattern. " Scuse me? This is a journal, and this is what people do on journals - write down whatever they think and feel, explain situations, etc., I am FAR from someone who "focuses on insecurities". I dont make anything SEEM like a pattern, I KNOW which issues are a pattern for me. This was totally uncalled for and while I appreciated your earlier posts, this one was just plain offending.

 

I dont mind people giving their opinions here if they want to, but I do NOT want to be picked apart for whatever issue it is I mentioned at some point or going into a debate of whether he's interested in me or not - so far, everything points to the former. If I need actual urgent advice on something, I'll post a thread on the real forum, and will look forward to your input there. Here, I just wanna write whatever I feel like, whether anyone reads it or not doesn't really matter.

[Batya33]

"Those "assumptions" I mentioned were based on words that people have actually told me - like the girl I was friends with for a year who said "I was the greatest person ever" in the beginning and then couldn't stand me after getting to know me better.

I dont just 'assume' that people think I am awesome."

 

I won't rewrite what I wrote about watch actions over time -not words.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Bunney]

Obviously, I ALWAYS judge people by their actions so whenever I have known that someone thinks a certain way about me, it was also because I was reading their actions, their body language and how they behave toward me. The words just confirmed what I already knew anyway.

[Batya33]

Obviously, I ALWAYS judge people by their actions so whenever I have known that someone thinks a certain way about me, it was also because I was reading their actions, their body language and how they behave toward me. The words just confirmed what I already knew anyway.

 

Yes and what I wrote was actions over a long period of time. It wasn't obvious the way you wrote it.

 

Anyway, enjoy your journal and enjoy getting to know these guys and others.

[TMifune]

Do you know what the Halo Effect is? (Hint it has nothing to do with the Master Chief or Video games!)

[Bunney]

No but now you made me google it Mh, I'm not sure to what extent it applies here, but feel free to elaborate

 

Anyway, today happened what I've been longing for so much the past week: The kiss..

we went for a walk after work and I guess at some point he just went for it. I was nervous but not as nervous as I thought I would be; just some trouble breathing is all.

 

It was very nice..

 

after the walk we got into his car because he offered to drive me to my train station; we ended up sitting in there for nearly 2 hours talking, with a lot of affection and kissing in between. The conversation was easy-going and filled with laughter as always; a certain passion between us is definitely there.

 

We did talk about relationship stuff at some point and he told me about a girl he dated at the company when he started there some years ago (the only co-worker he has ever dated at this company, according to him - no reason to not believe him about stuff so far, he seems to be the direct/straight.out/honest type) which ended up in a whole lot of drama where she started to act really crazy, showing up at his house unannounced, crying and yelling at work, starting rumors etc. and that is the reason that he did not actually plan on engaging that way with a co-worker again & was trying to keep a distance from me at first. I guess I'm just irresistible

 

As my typical love-luck has it, he messaged me after I got home, telling me that he received an invite for a job interview at another company... in another part of the country (his hometown). He did mention before that he is thinking of moving back to his home town later next year (about 3-4h away) but I guess we both were not expecting it to be so soon.

 

The job interview is at the end of this month, so we'll just see how things go between us and if he even gets accepted at all (it is quite likely, though)

 

I dont wanna think about it until anything is definite, but the thought of him not working where I work anymore, let alone live in my city, somehow makes me sad. We do connect wonderfully and that is something that doesn't happen to me TOO often.

 

But like I said, I'm not gonna dwell on it and whatever happens, happens. For now I will just enjoy what we have, go on the date that he plans to take me on then see how everything goes.

[TMifune]

No but now you made me google it Mh, I'm not sure to what extent it applies here, but feel free to elaborate.

 

Well, I mention it because I wonder if people are putting expectations on you at the beginning because of your appearance. If people aren't very self-aware, it would be really possible for them to project qualities or expectations onto a very attractive person when that person starts giving them time. And then when that person doesn't live up to those projected expectations they'd be saying things like "I thought you were really awesome at first but now I don't like you.". That's not to say that that you aren't awesome, but I wonder if they see the real awesome Bunney, or if that awesome Bunney they perceive at the beginning is some projection of who they are (and want to assume you are) and not who you really are. Then after they get to know you that bubble kinda snaps. They can't maintain the fantasy of who you are so rather than accepting that they weren't really seeing you and adjusting to who you actually are, they just get frustrated and say they can't stand you.

 

I don't know. Just a theory.

[Bunney]

That does make sense and I remember thinking something along those lines once (but never knew there was an actual name for it, "halo effect"). Thanks for your food of thought

[Bunney]

Not quite sure what's happening betweens us, ever since Marc & I kissed on monday, we have not had much opportunity/time to interact at work.. and yesterday we switched trainers so I really dont know how much we'll see eachother from now on at all.

 

We have not talked about him moving away ever since he got the email - actually it went like this; after we had kissed on Monday, I got home and received a message from him saying "I got an email". Me: "regarding?" Him: "one of my job applications" and "damn, I'm supposed to be happy about it but right now it really frustrates me" Me: "Mhhhm" and that was the end of the conversation.

 

The next day we only had about 10 mins alone after work, during which for some reason he mentioned that "I didn't seem to have reacted too well to the news" which surprised me because all I had written back was "mhmm", so I laughed and asked him "Really, by that reply you somehow concluded it was the end of the world for me?" then some playful banter, then he asked "nah but doesn't it bother you at all?" Me: "Well, if I had to choose between you staying here & you moving far away, of course I would choose the former. But I'm in no position to have any kind of opinion about it" (I'm just translating all this from my language to English so this isn't exactly the way we worded everything)

 

He didn't say much after that other than that he mentioned it was a much better job, better pay, plus it's back home where all his family is.

Also, I dont exactly how he worded it but it seems that he was kind of implying that it might get risky for us now in regards to developing feelings for eachother, now that he has this other job offer far away.

 

I guess he does have a point with that.

 

Well ever since then, we haven't talked a word about him moving away - yesterday we chatted on whatsapp for a rather long time (always him who initiates), during which at some point I mentioned that he seemed rather distant on Tuesday (so the day after we kissed) & he replied that 'he doesn't want me to regret anything or for things to get complicated'.

 

I do want to know what this new situation means for 'us' - and if he's really dead-serious about moving away - but I won't ask him and I think I'd also be afraid of what he might answer.

 

I suspect that now that he knows he's moving, he may not try to pursue anything serious with me after all, which he seemed to want to do at first (like when I was drunk on my bday night and Invited him over to my place - and he resisted & later told me that he'd like to take me to dinner first).

 

So no idea what he's thinking now but I guess the next few days will be very telling.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking on why I am so infatuated with him, and I've come to a few conclusions. I guess what made me realize why I like Marc so much is another co-worker (I'll call him Alex), a fellow trainee, who is kind of goodlooking (whereas Marc is not that conventionally attractive), is an interesting person etc and has been showing a lot of interest in me lately. Alex lives near me so lately we've been taking the same train, sitting next to eachother and talking, and yeah, on paper he'd be great for me - so many things in common, similar passions, similar attitude, just a lot of positive things about him - yet, he has such a different way to speaking and interacting with me than Marc does.

 

It's difficult to explain but it's something about Marc's personality, how he relates to me, how he 'challenges' me, how he sees through my thought patterns, how he jokes with me and makes me laugh, all those things...just warms my heart & I dont feel that way at all, not in the slightest, with Alex or any other guy for that matter.

 

Maybe a simpler word for it is 'chemistry'? The chemistry is just there with some (with me a lot more seldom - I'm a "weird" person like people like to say) and with others it's not.

 

Mhhh.

 

I'm not feeling particularly happy or optimistic about everything right now.

[thejigsup]

The man is leaving. He is not taking you. He has no desire anymore to explore a deeper relationship with you. I'd go with Alex. The good man right next to you who would most likely not let a mere move stop him from pursuing you. Let me ask you this: Which man has truly pursued you, spent time with you in real time, and seems the most interested in you? That will be your answer.

[Bunney]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately in terms of general dating, relationships, gender "roles" and such. I've come to the conclusion that I am deeply envious of the male gender. It seems like most of the time, a confident man will have the upper hand, and it's the woman who gets emotionally invested rather than the man. I dont like many of the things that come with being a woman - being more sensitive, more 'needy' than a guy etc. It's not that bad with me, I'm a rational person, and tend to try to 'think like a man'..but I can feel myself becoming more sensitive when I like a guy, and I hate it -I'm already a very intuitive person by nature so I 'feel', 'sense' a lot of subtle things. I dont feel like guys really get vulnerable the same way girls do. Maybe I'm wrong. But somehow it seems like more often than not, it's the girl wanting an exclusive relationship, and the guy not being 100% sure because he doesn't know if she's worthy enough to give up his freedom. Just taking a look at all the threads on enotalone confirms that..

 

Almost like guys are cats. Cool and independent. lol..

 

It's not that I'm this clingy person who doesn't ever want to give someone space. I like space myself and need a lot of me-time. It's more like this whole emotion and vulneralibility thing and (confident) guys having the upper hand, and feeling myself getting less relaxed around him the more I like him. Hmm.

 

that's just how I've been seeing things lately. Maybe i'll see things differently in the future.

 

Oh yeah, after limited contact this weekend, Marc has finally asked me out a few hours ago. Wrote to me and asked me when I am free to have dinner.

Made me smile. but, still keeping my expectations very low (or trying).

[Bunney]

So filled with joy today.

 

Though I only saw him in the break since he's not our trainer atm (but there's been a change of plans and he'll be training us again from Thursday on!), the time that we did spend together was just lovely, lots of positive vibes, laughing, enjoying each other.

 

Date is set for Thursday. And right now he's writing kissing emojis to me haha.

 

Love love loooove his personality. Just the way he gets along with everbody, his humor. Ugh. He's just such a joy.

 

Feeling so good today!! wiihiii

[Bunney]

Well we just slept together. He left my place 10 mins ago.

 

I dont really care if it was "too early" or anything like that, it just felt right and it was pretty intense/passionate.

 

Also, in the last days I've been doing a good job pushing the idea of a relationship into the back of my mind. Been reminding myself that he really is serious about moving back to his hometown, and that there practically is no future for us. So I dont think it really matters at what point we slept together, since it has no bearing at all on what will become of us.

 

Another thing is that we laid in bed cuddling for a while after the sex, and just talked quite a bit. It was the first time we talked about relationship stuff; he said that he is 'emotionally crippled', doesn't "allow" feelings, that he was in a 4 year RS a while back & when it ended, he didn't care at all/was indifferent. It was a very light-hearted conversation though, we even joked & laughed about how I'm totally gonna fall in love now & get all clingy on him now that my body released all of that oxytocin; I think he realizes though that I'm not that type at all,that I'm very easygoing in fact and anything but high-maintenance. I did get the impression that he's mostly had experiences where women got all crazy, or clingy, or "too much".

 

 

I feel fine with all of that information. Maybe I even see him a little differently now. I do not want a guy who is emotionally 'crippled'. I do not believe in those romantic illusions that I could be the one to "change" him.

 

I'm very much okay. Feeling strangely neutral right now actually. The sex was great; to finally feel him, feel his body, the smell of his skin.

Maybe that's all he wanted & I won't hear from him outside of work anymore; maybe the opposite. Who knows. I will be fine either way.

[Bunney]

Whenever I sleep with someone that I have feelings for, I tend to really pay attention to how they behave afterwards, if I notice any changes in their demeanor, general behavior toward me etc.

 

So far I can say that at work, not much has changed. Marc & I still have a lot of fun together and there's some touching here & there (when we're alone) and today we had a mutual unspoken agreement to go down to the -3 level of the building just the two of us (a "floor" with literally nothing haha; just an empty room) which only didn't happen because a fellow trainee of mine joined us in the elevator one second before. Gahh.

 

The weekend that followed right after we slept together, I hadn't heard from him at all. He had gone to his hometown Fri + Sat to visit his grandmother in hospital who's in serious condition atm, so his silence could've been because of that. But the last two days since the weekend, he's been normal; like I wrote above. Today and yesterday we've been chatting on whatsapp in the evenings/before bed as normal; he seems to enjoy pictures of me in my daily life and "requests" them frequently. (Nooo, nothing dirty!)

 

Been reading up a lot on this non-chalance thing. Although I'm already quite good at it, at least in the beginning of getting to know someone, I did learn a lot of new things and came to many realizations. Even though I dont SHOW that I care so much, or that things bother me, etc, I have to learn to not care in the first place. Be more relaxed and worry less.

 

A while ago when I saw interactions between him & other females in the company, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy (which I would NEVER let show or admit to him!), nothing overly flirty or anything but I could tell he's worked with certain females for a long time and has become good friends with them (none of which are really a 'threat' to me though tbh; not to sound arrogant.. and most of them are married/taken anyway). Like, he would joke around with a girl (like he does with everybody, though) & I would feel slighty jealous, but ever since reading up on the nonchalance thing I became determined to have an attitude-makeover. No more self-doubt. No more irrational thoughts. etc.

 

I must say I really like the person I've become over the past few years. I'm having a great time at this company, in our team of 15 people I am easily the most well-liked one (along with 1-2 others), I am a lot funnier these days (as in I make people genuinely laugh - it's a great feeling!), get along amazingly with EVERYBODY, carry myself with pride and confidence. A stranger would NOT guess that I have feelings of self-doubt here & there. Now I just have to fix my thought patterns and some insecurities and I'll be good to go! (:

[Bunney]

he's been off work since Dec 23rd, that day we had an 'encounter' in the elevator, drove down to the -3 floor and made out... he drove to his hometown later that day and has been there ever since, & will return Jan 4th.

 

he did write to me on xmas day and we chatted some, last I sent him was a pic of me in a funny xmas shirt, but ever since.... Nada. Not a beep. I know it's the holiday and he's with his family but to me, complete silence says a lot. I have not initiated anything either (after all I was the last one to write something), there were a few times where I was almost about to message him because I just really want to know how he is, what he's up to, but I didn't think it was a good idea. Maybe he has a love interest back in his hometown? I mean it COULD be the case and I reaaaally dont want to be 'that girl' who texts him and wants his attention etc if his heart already beats for someone else. (I truly hope it's not the case though )

 

I'll see him at work from Monday on again, and I already know that I won't be as bubbly, warm, open and funny towards him as I've been before. Whenever I feel someone being distant (and I do interpret not writing a single word to me for more than a week as distance/not caring) I automatically become a little colder and more distant myself, maybe a kind of selfdefense mechanism.

 

Most days during the christmas holidays I haven't been too affected by his lack of contact. New years eve though, I dont know what hit me, I was super down about it. Really wished that I was there with him during the fireworks and that I'd hear from him. Ha. Oh well. Feeling better ever since and kind of neutral again. We'll see what happens on Monday.

[thejigsup]

A week without a word. After you've slept with him? You were used, honey. No matter what he says and does on Monday, I wouldn't give him the time of day. NO ONE is that busy. No one.