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The second meeting for study was not the best. we met in a new coffee house of my choosing and had to leave because it was too loud and distracting for her...she was a bit on edge. we then walked to the closest place to sit, which was a bar and that got bad after a while.....she went into some little rant about how this is her life and she can't mess around with her time like i somehow was careless with my choices and did not consider the difficulty of it all.....something she does and i should be used to by now.

 

i took her home and she said it would be best if we meet at "the" apartment (hers) at 6:30 tonight. now i guess i will see if she left up our picture...and how i react after that, will be interesting...

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She just sent me this email:

 

Hey, i think we should cancel our study session for tonight. i don't want to push any of my negative energy onto you. it just doesn't seem fair. i do really appreciate your help....it's really helped!

 

i'll probably just study independently and maybe call some of my friends from the program if im confused on anything. plus, i need to try to organize the information i have and do some reading to clarify any concepts i'm still unsure of.

 

thanks again! i would still like to work out some time together or hang out. i can still help you out with smitty on friday too!

 

t.

 

now i am sad and pissed at the same time....i am sad because i thought it would be good to show her how helping her study would help her succeed and mad because she could have called and not sent an impersonal email....i am tempted to call and complain, but that would look weak...i am tempted not to call or respond and that seems like it would be childish.

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i took a major step backwards i think. I definetly pushed.

 

she called before i left work and at first i acted upset (kidding mostly) that she blew me off for studying and she said "are you serious?"...and i told her no, but that i was dissappointed that i could not help her with the one thing that meant the most. you saw her email, she appologized for pushing negative energy onto me, but then thought my comments about how she did so well after excersizing was my way of trying to control how she studies....or something...I don't know, i think she was frustrated because she thought: i was pushing my methods onto her (excersising), i did not understand the material, it was loud, and she said she thought the test was on thursday, but it was wednesday and she really had to hunker down.

 

 

anyhow, after she stated she got upset that she thought i was trying to control how she studies (with the working out comment and how i thought it helped a bunch on sunday), i told her that maybe a run for 20 minutes would be a better idea when she is so stressed then watching the bachelorette and she did not like that comment either...i told her it was how i thought, but that i did not really care how she studies...i was trying to provide some motivation.....

 

we somehow got into relationship talk (a big no no) and before you know it she is telling me "i am just going to go study with this person in my class and "he" lives close by. Of course i got jealous and said, "why do i feel jealous all of the sudden that your blowing me off for some guy?"...she said, "you have "girl" friends right?"...i can have a "boy" who is a friend.....(you can see where this was going).....why didn't she just tell me that she was going to study with someone from class and not write she was probably going to study "independently"?

 

then she got into it that i didn't understand the pressure she was under and i took offense to that and the fact that she feels i don't have a clue what she is going through....so i told her my experiences (engineering and desert storm) and that i knew stress...

 

anyhow, somehow she said something to the effect that she didn't want to push negative energy onto me and wanted any time together to be happy and fun...we can work out she said and maybe hangout.....i told her that i really didn't need to workout with her, because i workout three times a week and that i was not ready to hang out with her and be that friendly because i was still in love with her and that she was not in love with me....(major "f" up!) .. i guess i was just still jealous and hurt...and i showed it and pushed like a "mother"... This sucks!..

 

a few hours later, i left a message on her machine "hey, it's me. i want to apologize for tonight and just tell you i am not ready, just not ready. Okay? bye, we'll talk sometime soon."

 

I AM SO PISSED THAT I DID NOT TELL HER GOOD LUCK ON THE TEST!

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Dude you got a few things wrong, i dotn wanna rub it in, but the main thing i wanna say is that you are sooo needy right now, and i am kinda the same, so

im trying to fix that, i think its one of the reasons my ex isnt with me right now.

SHe says she didnt wanna hang out with you just cause she would be stressed and stuff, she knew she would be pissed off doing work, and she proberly knew she would take it out on ppl, thats why she said she didnt wanna see you, she wants to see you when shes in good moods and stuff, you have already shown her you are willing to help her.

 

Do you like being in a position where she has power over your emotions, she blows on you and you fall, you should chill out a bit man and have a little strength, you are REALLY needy right now though, it pushes my ex away.

Dont forget, you are there for her right now shes not there for you, she just said she wanted to study with another dude.

you know why, cause you stepped forward, by being a little moany that she blew you two out. she sensed that and was like wow this is stressful i cant be dealing with this.

Hence she said it will be easier if i just study with someone else, i think you REALLY need to remember to not be needy, if she cancels something, be like well ok cool, if you need me im around.

 

Im currently on great talkin terms with my ex, we have cool convos and stuff, talk on phone but mostly online, but at times i am needy without even noticing i do it, and i think shes scared of that and thats why shes not sure of it etc.

An example, i would take a big step forward, and she takes a big step back, by sayign something to push me away, its her way of making me back off i suppose.

so this time, im doing NC, for like 3 weeks, she will wonder where i am, but its purely so i can have a real strong mind and keep stable, be like water if you will.

I dont like how i am around her, i dont come out with i love you etc, but sometimes i say things that we both arent ready for, like i said to her i want to get to know you alot better, but instead I should have just got to know her WITHOUT making it seem a big thing, and she kinda pushed me away.

So try and keep a clear head, and look and stay strong it pays off cause i know when im in the zone, she comes runnin and loves how i am etc.

 

good luck

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So try and keep a clear head, and look and stay strong it pays off cause i know when im in the zone, she comes runnin and loves how i am etc.

 

thanks detox5. you are so right! i went three weeks and i was on top of it all. i help her out sunday with a run and study and it goes great...she smiles, says she is sorry for keeping "me" on the phone, etc...

 

then i started getting weird as i start to get too close....and she runs by not wanting to study?..(maybe she really was concerned about pushing negativeness onto me due to stress)...but she says she is still open to workout or hangout...but since i am a basket case again, i say something stupid pushing her away...because i over reacted to the hurt from being told she didn't want to study with me and jealous it was with some guy (even though he is in her program).

 

now, i must go on no contact again to get my sh__t together again...this is so sad, really.

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na dude dont do NC just yet, i think i would advice this right now, and this is it. I would continue to talk to her, that things are ok, dont be distant, but just be yourself, but in a week, then do NC, i think NC on a bad note is just silly, it shows u are doing something for them. I hated doign NC from a bad note, so with that in mind, i would continue to talk to her, no matter what happens this week, just so she knows ur not mad at her etc, and that things are on talkin terms, and THEN hit nc, i think that will be fatastic, I just wouldnt hit NC on where you are now, just be frienly and stuff, dotn arrange anything. what you think? I hope you do this

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and another thing i dont think its sad, i messed up SOO many times with my ex, and guess what its like with in like a space of a week or two, i was forgiving, its like no matter how much i fooked up she would come back, doesnt that say something that she has alot of patience with me, i reckon yours is the same.

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its like no matter how much i fooked up she would come back, doesnt that say something that she has alot of patience with me, i reckon yours is the same.

 

you are so right detox5. even last night on the phone when she called me she hinted that she was talking with me beyond the amount of time she expected (as we talked about the relationship) and was even running late for her study buddy.....she could have just told me she had to go and hung up and sometimes i just don't understand why she doesn't. but she stayed on the phone with me. i can take the next two weeks and not talk to her, and she will still want to hang out if i ask...or work out....

 

my problem is that i have trouble getting close to her because it tears me up.......especially if another guy (study buddy or more) comes into the picture...i know i just need to ignore it all and just have fun with her....

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lol man I kinda sooo understand you, were soo alike, and i think i can help, maybe shes trying to get you to chase her, what i mean by that, my ex kinda does that, by saying stuff like ohh im going here etc, and i fall for the trap by ASKING about it, but now im like ok that sounds good, im not like wait who u going with what time and where?

 

and the thing abotu getting close, well the thing is, i think you need to understand about the steps idea, im gonna really try it this time, she takes 4 steps forward and you take one step, im gonna play it like that now, so she comes to me, and i wont feel hurt if im let down, its as if im holding back ALOT, cause i need to be sure of it, plus she dont respect me too much that much, and thats what the steps is for, plus she will be ALOT more comfortable around me cause she is making all the moves, and im not goign too fast too soon.

 

It seems that i take too many steps forward and she takes little steps forward, so i wanna reverse roles. Look at it this way, it benefits both ppl, you are holding back, and she is commin forward, and she will be the one really comfortable, cause you are not moving forward soo much and fast, and i think they need that, it reassures them, i think they like it.

 

Im just sayign that i move forward far too much in the past, now im going back to the spot where i only move forward when she shows me shes moving ALOT more forward, and i kinda feel she wants it that way.

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The main reason we are not together (as has been stated) is because she is basically dating nursing school right now. she can't get into a relationship with me or anyone (she says)...so, i really can't expect anything to happen between her and i (even if i am successful in not being an idiot and start to attract her again) until november.

 

What to do for valentines day?

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Valentines day, well im doing NC, and it so happens in NC it will be valentines day, i dont wanna be around for that day, i dont want her saying ohh i got misterious cards and stuff like that, I wanna come back and vday be forgotten, I wouldnt send anything, she might expect you to send something, cause ur a sweaty, so go NC like me during Vday

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WEIRD!!!!!!

 

my phone rings at work and low and behold it is her!...she started talking about the test she took (the one i helped her with) and i waited for a break in the converstation early to apologize "i'm sorry, i don't know what got into me"....she said, "i'm sorry too."

 

anyhow, she talked about the test and that she feels she did okay...then she talked about school and how much hell she has gone through and will be going through in the nest four weeks until march when things are supposed to calm down.

 

she then asked me about how to cook the chicken meal i always cooked (she bought the ingrediants when i helped her on sunday)....her father then called and she let me know and i told her i would talk to her sometime...she then said, "i will call you"..."have fun at improv tonight."

 

 

what are you doing, are you gonna talk to her, make it like there isnt a problem and then do NC, or just go NC right this moment?
i was planning on NC, but she called....she confuses the heck out of me.
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was you strong? Like we discussed, did you do the steps?

 

I was calm...she did most of the talking....i was just in shock she called....she said she would call later.....(maybe tuesday, maybe in a week, who knows when she will call....)...she did call me before she called her dad about the test....or did she just use the chicken dish as a reason to call and then bring up the test, or was she just hungry and didn't care about the test, but wanted to know how to properly cook the chicken because she was hungry...? who knows...but her.

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Oh ya....one more thing she made a point of telling me....she said, "a buch of people decided to go out for a drink after the test and i was a good girl and decided to go home and study more.".....

 

was this her indirect way of telling me, that if she was interested in this guy she studied with, she would not have gone home? unless, of course, he didn't go and then i am just filling my head with crazy thoughts....was this her way of showing me how she is going to spend her time more wisely for studying after our talk?....

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dude EVERYTHING is a test, just remember that, i think your in the same boat as me REALLY. I would be needy, then i would act and look strong, my ex would throw tests at me everywhere, i did this that etc, to TEST if i was needy, i was just like ok, plain and simple.

 

ok now one for me, im not sure my ex respects me, we talk grat and stuff, i texted her the weekend about a random question, i needed a girls help, parents was away and i didnt know how to use the washer, just random.

 

She didnt reply, and she d idnt call to help, shes often not replying and stuff, so with that in mind im going NC for other reasons, but i guess im kinda showing her that i am sooo fed up of this stuff, but if she DOES call, do i say it to her, say im so fed up of your mess, u say you will do things and you dont. Maybe goign NC for like a month will make her appreciate me alot more, with respect and stuff and realise im not always around for her, but i am going NC cause i am fed up and life without her is nice and less stressful.

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Since you are going to be in contact with your ex (you know what i think about this), I think you should do some research into the posts made by another person on this forum called danimal77. He managed to remain in contact with the ex and got her back. He was very dedicated.

 

Hope this helps

 

Kate

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I think your right, i am in contact with the ex, im only doing NC right now (since monday) cause i want to keep a clear head and stuff, i dont wanna talk about my probls here cause its someones elses posts and i think its rude, i just wanted you to talk about this danimal77 guy? wheres this post you mentioned?

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ok now one for me, im not sure my ex respects me, we talk grat and stuff, i texted her the weekend about a random question, i needed a girls help, parents was away and i didnt know how to use the washer, just random.

 

She didnt reply, and she d idnt call to help, shes often not replying and stuff, so with that in mind im going NC for other reasons, but i guess im kinda showing her that i am sooo fed up of this stuff, but if she DOES call, do i say it to her, say im so fed up of your mess, u say you will do things and you dont.

 

You are pushing detox....no contact and, like you said previously, she will come your way....

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