SuperDuper Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Thanks DB. What should I be doing though, meaning with her. Should I just back off? If she signs onto msn, should I Talk to her if I feel like it? I don't want to just become a solid friend. I want to be with her, in your experience, what's the healthiest way to get back with someone naturally. I don't want any mind games. What should I do? Link to comment
darkblue Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 If you don't like mind games - don't play mind games. Especially when provoked. Just ignore her when/if she tries them. The most natural way to get an ex back, is get over them. Being needy, clingy and over-zealous has never gotten anyone I've seen back with their ex. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 SD, the way i am hoping to stick with is that i will do nothing unless she comes to me and actually says that she is interested in starting over or new. she must come to me and take that relationship back off the shelf i put it on when she ended it. anything else to me would be a major setback. my ex has, as she has said, in the past tried to spend time with me and be friends, etc., but i kept learning that was all she wanted and it was killing me, but so easy for her because she was no longer "in" love with me as I was with her. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 had trouble in bed last night with the gf. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 well, couldn't finish the job. she is okay and taken care of, but i couldn't. and now she is getting a bit self conscious about it. it has been this way twice since the reemergence of the ex. difficult for me to finish...i keep up, if you know what i mean, but just don't finish...got it? i made the mistake too, once of telling her that if i can't finish the job with a woman, it is because i am not attracted to the girl...now that is biting me in the butt..... i did not have this problem earlier in the relationship. Link to comment
darkblue Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Stress can be a huge factor to this. I think you have just had far too much on your plate, and it really has little to do with how attracted you are to your partner. Don't worry about it, Steve. It happens to the best of us. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 She called and I just spent nearly two hours on the phone with her. What was the conversation? New years, what the cats were doing, her having dinner with my landlord last night, my girlfriend and me. Then it all went to hell when she mentioned that her best friend (who I became close with as well as her husband) felt weird when I sent her an email after the birth of her first kid that suggested that I was going to take a road trip to see the kid, and by the way, maybe bring my GF. When I wrote that email I really didn’t see the GF going…I was probably thinking it would be fun to go on a road trip with the GF….anyway, my goal was not to be pushing my new GF on my ex GF’s best friend…..anyway, the ex said that is why she called to lay down the line and tell me she would be very upset….. Then before you know it, the conversation got into how she feels about me brining my GF around all our mutual friends and who may be feeling that I am trying to push the ex out by brining the new GF in….well, you got the point…. Then! It got into her feelings and that is when I lost all will. I said the worst. I dug right back into the whole why shouldn’t we be back together, people change, what is stopping you from wanting to try again….. Then she sent me this email after we hung up Hi s. I feel really bad now. Im sorry if I made you feel bad about us & your relationships with j. and A. and S. and d. Everyone loves you and me both, but I do think they begin to question their loyalty at times. I want you to remain friends with j. and A. because I know they enjoy you. I also don’t want to cause any commotion between you and d. and S. S. may have said that it would be a little weird to have dinner with you and K., but im sure she will come around and enjoy you both. I hope you wont bgring it up with them because that would probably just make it more awkward. This is hard for everyone, but the best thing we can do is try to make the best of it. Im sorry that our conversation today became so heavy. I just want you to be happy Take care, t. I called her back after my run ready to tell her not to call me anymore at work or at all because it seemed that whenever she did call me it was because she needed something. She denied that and felt that after I told her how happy I was with my gf and that I was over our ex relationship that it was okay now to call. But now she knows it was all a front by me and now she is sorry she ever called. She considers me a friend and likes spending time on the phone or out with me still, but it doesn’t mean she wants to get back together. I wanted to end the conversation and day of talking on a high note so I told her to tell me what she like about me when she first met me and I shared mine with her. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 It looks to me like you ignored what she said which was this She considers me a friend and likes spending time on the phone or out with me still, but it doesn’t mean she wants to get back together.[/b] You then asked her to tell you what she liked about you when first she saw you--which is now a totally dead issue, given that she has just said she will not get back with you, wouldn't you say? I say this relationship with the ex is dead and burried. You have a girlfriend who loves you. You either be true to her or let her find a man that is with her 100% and not still pining on an EX that doesn't want him. If you care for her you will let her go. You're a decent guy. Don't waste your gf's good years hun...You will do the right thing....right? Link to comment
darkblue Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 ](*,) God, this thread is puting me off women! Steve, I want you to sit down and think about what you really want. If it's the ex - stop messing your current girlfriend around. If it's your current girlfriend - stop being messed around by your ex. Every time you are on that phone talking to your ex, and mentioning you two being together, blah blah blah - think about what your current girlfriend would feel about that. Is this blunt enough? Link to comment
kate111 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 You are digging your own grave. Get out while you still can!!!! You must make a choice now, your ex or your current girl. Clearly you can't do both. You can't perform in bed with your current partner and your focus is shifting from her to your ex. I know which I would choose.... The time is ripe for you to do limited contact. Don't speak to the ex anymore unless you absolutely have to. Otherwise you are fast approaching dumpsville with your girlfriend because if she find out what has been happening she will feel very deceived. It isn't right to your current squeeze either. Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 sorry CP, iT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE i HAVE BEEN ON THIS SITE i WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHICH EX IS THIS ONE. THE old one or the new ex? Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 anon, it is the ex that this thread is built on. everyone, after the two hour session on the phone with the ex and the confusion in my head over it all, i called my GF and told her the situation. although she is hurt and disappointed, she said she does not want to break up with me over it, however, she wants to do her own thing this week without me. she said i could call if i want and we should plan to talk on Sunday. if i needed more time to get my sh-- together, then she wants me to take it. bottom line between her (the GF) and I is that she is disappointed that the ex is such a strong force in my life. this wasn't the case until recently when she resurfaced after finishing school. the gf does not want to be with me (and we all knew this) unless i am totally in it. Link to comment
darkblue Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 The girlfriend shouldn't be with you while you are not totally into her! If she was a poster on this forum - I'd tell her to ditch you. Decision time, Steve... Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I really don't blame your GF, she should NOT be with you unless you are totally into it. I actually hope that over this week she does some serious thinking about what she wants. I too agree if she was on this forum, I would be advising her to leave. It is not fair to her to be with someone whom is half hearted about it, and still has their ex as such a "strong force" in their life. I do not know why you cannot see what you say, and what you do are so incongruent to one another. You tell the ex she cannot be in your life, you tell us you know it's over, and you are just trying to be friends....but then you ask her to tell you what she liked best about you when you met??? Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 you are right dark, i was totally into her, but some things changed just recently. in the mean time, i was going to go to laccrosse to a LAN party that i was invited to by the ex's husband (the four of us were really close) and i am not sure what to do now. and the gf is not going to mexico now and i wonder if i even want to go. part of me wants to just crawl into a shell for a while away from friends and the ex and another wants to enjoy it all and try to deal with the ex. where is the middle ground? Link to comment
redandblack Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 you are right dark, i was totally into her, but some things changed just recently. in the mean time, i was going to go to laccrosse to a LAN party that i was invited to by the ex's husband (the four of us were really close) and i am not sure what to do now. and the gf is not going to mexico now and i wonder if i even want to go. part of me wants to just crawl into a shell for a while away from friends and the ex and another wants to enjoy it all and try to deal with the ex. where is the middle ground? Is the ex going to be at that party? Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 no. she will not be there..it is totally a guy thing....but she was just out thier way last weekend. Link to comment
Fletch F. Fletch Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Man, I know totally what you are going through...cuz I've been there. Let's face it, you are not over your exgf, you cannot accept that reality, and you are grasping at ANYTHING that will give you hope with her (that's why you felt compelled to have a discussion with her about each other's initial feelings/impressions of each other). It sucks, and I feel for you. There is one undeniable fact, and the only one that matters... she said she does not want to be with you...she reiterated this in your most recent conversation. The positive news here, is that YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER...you have final clarity to move on for good! No more second guessing, no more interpreting e-mails and conversations! She has given you the key for you to unlock your own mental prison. The more you resist this, the more difficult/painful you make it on yourself. You are in control here of what pain you feel. You can either choose to let her go and feel the pain of that final closure, or you continue to drag yourself through the mud. The former being much more short-lived pain. But look at it this way, you will finally be able to move on and mean it. You may even be able to salvage something with the current GF. This leads me to her...I think you were very adult in letting her know your current confusion, but I think you'll need more than one week to process this crap. I also think you are using you current gf (not intentionally) as a buffer from the full pain of the of the break with your exgf. Go ahead and crawl in your shell for a while...take as long as you need. Date around, play laccrosse, have fun with the the buds. Let this current gf go for now while you rid yourself of your last bit of baggage. You can go back to her once you are ready to give 100% - I just dont think you can do that right now or in the near furture, based on how you describe your current emotional state. Make it happen! You know what needs to be done...just sack it up and do it! Everyone is supporting you. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 i shot an email to my GF that said: she replied: "me too" almost brought me to tears. Link to comment
kate111 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I agree with all Fletch said although I disagree with the advice he gives you about your current squeeze. Clearly you can talk to your current partner and she is very understanding and mature.You guys share excellent communication. That is great. I think she is a gem and I would stick with her. Now how to rid your heart of the ex? You have the closure you need, she has told you she doesn't want to get back with her. Regarding ex: Do not call her Pretend she is dead Only talk to her if you need to. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Share Posted January 6, 2006 okay. saw my counselor yesterday night. the same one that the ex and i was seeing when we tried to save the relationship. actually the ex went hoping to convince me that it was okay for her to move out. Basically she told me that i should probably tell my ex that she should not call me anymore....maybe three months....no more favors....etc. she feels that the ex is pulling at me, eventhough it is not her intention to get back with me and she shared the idea that once the ex finds someone new, the calls and requests will stop. I am about to write that letter now to let her know to stop contacting me. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 okay. saw my counselor yesterday night. the same one that the ex and i was seeing when we tried to save the relationship. actually the ex went hoping to convince me that it was okay for her to move out. Basically she told me that i should probably tell my ex that she should not call me anymore....maybe three months....no more favors....etc. she feels that the ex is pulling at me, eventhough it is not her intention to get back with me and she shared the idea that once the ex finds someone new, the calls and requests will stop. I am about to write that letter now to let her know to stop contacting me. You could of saved some money if you listened to some of the people on this thread for the last four pages Just teasing, I think therapy is a great idea...I do think that no contact right now IS a very very very good idea. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 I just want to know why this is still an issue??? This page 66 already. I don't know you CPX....but you sound obsessed with your ex.... and your ex just sounds self centered and selfish. Knowing how hard it is for you to move on with her constant presense,why would she even FATHOM doing that?? Aren't you tired?? I'm tired and all I did was read it! Link to comment
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