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Why is that automatically Your fault.

Your ex phoned YOU. She was the one who wanted to hear YOUR voice.

 

No, I don't think this is healthy on your current relationship.

Your girlfriend might not be too happy to hear that you are considering giving a loan to an ex.

Or that you were complimenting her on the phone to make her feel better.

 

I have a strong feeling that she used you as a 'pick me up'.

She was feeling low - and she knew she could phone you to make her feel better.

When things weren't going her way, she turned nasty. Then realised what you really meant and turned nice again.

It's not healthy.

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I feel sorry for your girlfriend. She can never be number 1 in your life whilst you are still not over your ex and are in contact with her.

 

Im sure your girlriend can sense that you are still not over your ex completely.

 

Give yourself a chance to get over her. Don't contact your ex for at least a year.

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Don't contact your ex for at least a year.
i wish it was that easy kate. we are in the same circle of friends.....we saw each other out last night already now that she is not in school anymore. i am not about to go into hiding. i have to hit this head on.
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Big event with friends last night. She was there and it seemed, and I may be going crazy, as if she was looking over at me, but I was trying not to look at her…..I don’t know, but I just had that feeling that she was watching me through the crowd.

 

The girlfriend went right up to her and said hello and the spoke a little. The ex was setup with someone that evidently struck out with her because she ignored him by the end of the night. Some writer for a medical journal or something.

 

The girlfriend had to leave early to go to work, so I remained longer with friends. I took that opportunity to chat with the ex and we were both hammered by then. We are in this place where it seems like whenever we are out in public with friends and talking, everyone we know is watching us….again, that is probably just us thinking too much and being paranoid…. All part of the game of trying to be friends after a year + has gone by. Again, we are trying to keep civil and be friends with our friends because neither of us want to be uncomfortable and we don’t want our friends to be uncomfortable to a point of not inviting one of us to an event because we or they may be uncomfortable with it…make sense? It does to me and we are both doing our best to make the situation work for both of us and the friends.

 

p.s. the ex gave me her house keys to drop in on her (ours at one time) cats this weekend….she told me that she only wanted me to do it if I was not uncomfortable with the idea of going to her place, etc. and that I am the type of guy that will just do it to be nice. I told her that I would probably be a little if anything and that I wanted to hit this all head on. She also said that she does not want to get between my girlfriend and me. She is stating the obvious issues that may exist and being conscious of it, so I think she is being genuine.

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If you were reading another post, and the poster said they were asked by their ex to go and check up on the cats - what would you think?

Why you?!!!

 

There are many people she could have asked, and she realises that she may be getting in the way of you and your girlfriend. Yet she still asks.

Yet she still talks to you, and your girlfriend.

 

Something doesn't feel right.

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Something doesn't feel right.

 

Possibly because her actions are not matching her words??

 

 

 

 

I only check back on this thread now and again, and honestly, I am surprised, really to see that things are still going on as they are this much later.

 

CP, you really are only hurting yourself, and your new girlfriend, by hanging on to the ex in the way you are. I know you can say many times over "there is no other way", but there is. If you must be around her time to time, fine, but then there is no need to feed her cats yourself, have these late night calls, and so forth. That is not "getting along for sake of other friends", that is "trying to revive something not there and interfere with current relationship".

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You really think that things are the way they were back in march? She is now out and about and will be seen a lot because school is over. I am really trying to make this work for me, her and our friends. She told me I was the only one available for the cats and I believe it. She said she can trust me and I feel good about that. The minute I tell her no with the cats and that I am uncomfortable, she senses that I am still caught up with her and that gets back to other friends and before you know it, one of us is left out of the next gathering (or both) because no one wants us or themselves to be in an uncomfortable situation when we are together in the room. We are half way there. I am dating and soon, I am sure, she will be and then it will be even more fun then it is now.

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I don't know cpxism, the whole fact that it seems to still be stressful, that you are worried about how your gf would feel, and so forth indicates to me it is holding you back.

 

No you are not where you are when you first started dating, but you are certainly still also not living for yourself. It's not just YOU, it's HER that is trying to hold you back.

 

Why do you have to tell her you are uncomfortable, tell her you can't as you cannot commit to being able to take care of them, you have other plans. If she is so concerned about getting in way of you and your girlfriend, why would she want you to take care of her cats?

 

Why would it get back to your friends? To me it sounds like if it got back to them THROUGH HER, it's because she is trying to hold you back in some way.

 

How does/would your gf feel about your ex calling you asking for loans and the talk you had the other night? Does she know you are cat sitting?

 

Of course she can trust you to feed them, but I am sure her neighbour or another friend can pour some water in the bowl and make sure there is enough food left too. It's only for a couple days.

 

What if she starts dating again, and her new boyfriend does not like her being around you? What if she tells you she cannot contact you at all anymore? How would you feel?

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”It's not just YOU, it's HER that is trying to hold you back.” She has no reason to hold me back, so why would she purposely do so? She wants me to move on.

Why do you have to tell her you are uncomfortable, tell her you can't as you cannot commit to being able to take care of them, (I am a horrible liar) you have other plans. If she is so concerned about getting in way of you and your girlfriend, why would she want you to take care of her cats? I tell her she is not getting into the way, and the fact that she mentioned it this morning tells me that she is being thoughtful enough to question it with me. She said that she does not want to get between my girlfriend and me with anything.

 

Why would it get back to your friends? To me it sounds like if it got back to them THROUGH HER, it's because she is trying to hold you back in some way. That sounds vindictive and I don’t believe she would purposely hold me back. How does she benefit? I honestly believe she is working with me on this because we both want the same thing…and that is to exist in the same group of friends post breakup.

 

How does/would your gf feel about your ex calling you asking for loans and the talk you had the other night? I told her and explained the situation and we worked out those feelings. Does she know you are cat sitting? Yes and as a matter of fact, I am doing the same for her.

 

Of course she can trust you to feed them, but I am sure her neighbor or another friend can pour some water in the bowl and make sure there is enough food left too. It's only for a couple days. Everyone we know is leaving town and she does not trust her neighbor.

 

What if she starts dating again, and her new boyfriend does not like her being around you? Then she would basically have to hang out with other friends with him…his friends…but she is not going to want to do that for long, so I am positive she would have the same discussion I had with my girlfriend. What if she tells you she cannot contact you at all anymore? How would you feel? I know that could be an issue for her if her boyfriend is insecure, but she does not contact me much anyhow. And I don’t think I could lose any more than I have already.

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Ask yourself Cpxsim why you have a thread here about your ex and not a thread about your current partner.

 

You are keeping the wound from healing by being in contact with your ex. You are preventing yourself from moving on and keeping your progression arrested and stunted.

 

Sure, you can see your ex every so often if you like, but for her to depend on you to feed her cats. That isn't healthy. It is too close too soon.

 

I think you should pull away from this ex and pull the umbilical cord.

 

Sorry to be negative but I think this would be the healthiest thing for you to do. Otherwise, when she finds someone else and drops you cold turkey you will feel the heartbreak all over again.

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i wish it was that easy kate. we are in the same circle of friends.....we saw each other out last night already now that she is not in school anymore. i am not about to go into hiding. i have to hit this head on.

 

Sounds like a justification to make contact to me.

 

In this situation you say "Hi" make small talk and see her when necessary. Nothing more. nothing less.

 

You do not feed her cats or make phone calls, this is beyond the call of duty.

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Ask yourself Cpxsim why you have a thread here about your ex and not a thread about your current partner.

 

You are keeping the wound from healing by being in contact with your ex. You are preventing yourself from moving on and keeping your progression arrested and stunted.

 

Sure, you can see your ex every so often if you like, but for her to depend on you to feed her cats. That isn't healthy. It is too close too soon.

 

I think you should pull away from this ex and pull the umbilical cord.

 

Sorry to be negative but I think this would be the healthiest thing for you to do. Otherwise, when she finds someone else and drops you cold turkey you will feel the heartbreak all over again.

Bingo.

 

Sure I am friends with my ex, but I don't water his plants, I don't put him ahead of my partner in any way shape or form. I don't analyze his phone calls, or emails, more then a year and a half on.

 

What does she get out of it? Well, whom knows. Ask many of the other people on here whom seem to have ex's call just when they are dating someone else, or just when they seem to be moving on? Ask them why their ex seems to not want them anymore, but does not want them too far either. When my boyfriends ex found out we moved in together (she broke it off with him 2 years prior and they had been friends since, no signs of anything more from her, she dated, had fun, had broken it off) she suddenly got extremely upset, told him she could not handle it, and so forth. Not as she wanted HIM, but that she realized he had moved on and was doing better then she thought he would be....and she wasn't.

 

I am sure you DO want to be friends, but look at it this way - if it is really with intent on being friends, it would just happen naturally. There is no need to do all this work, or effort to just be CIVIL with one another in front of others. There is no need for phone calls and cat feeding at this point, you can be polite.

 

It has nothing to do with a future boyfriend being insecure, it's about having priorities. Did your ex put your "happiness" and friendship as a priority when she was hanging out with that other guy whom lived in your building..KNOWING you would know?

 

Right now, the impression I get from your last few threads is that your CURRENT gf is not a priority, maybe I am wrong in this, I am sure you DO treat her well, but it seems your heart is not with her. If your heart is not in it, it's a disservice to her too as well as yourself.

 

I really am not trying to attack you. I understand the pull. What I don't understand how you cannot see that you are still holding on, and that by not wanting to move forward, whatever happens with the friendship, is not keeping that "hold" alive.

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I recommend that you stop calling your ex back and make your phone calls shorter. Make it clear to your ex-girlfriend that your girlfriend is number 1 by what you say to her and by working in any arrangements to see the ex around your girlfriend's convenience (not the other way around).

 

Your ex will recognise that your emotional needs are being met somewhere else and hopefully she will start calling you less and stop depending on you.

 

I bet your exgirlfriend will respect you more when you start distancing yourself and detaching yourself from her. She won't want you to because she enjoys the company and friendship of somebody who understands and loves her and also because she secretly loves the ego trip of knowing that you love her more than your current girlfriend.

 

But that aint good enough.

 

Move on for yourself and your girlfriend. Your current one sounds nice. Make sure you don't take her for granted.

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You know, this thread started out as my tale of how I would win her back, then, when I things turned, it was about healing. Now, it is my tale about how I am to cope with us both being in the same circle of friends and doing what we can to be friends if not only friendly.

 

You are right that I am keeping the wound open by being in contact. I can feel it. But, she contacted me the last two or four even times we talked on the phone. I did attempt twice to return calls, but never reached her and they she thought I was avoiding her. but maybe she feels that I have moved on and so contact is okay. She asks me if I am okay with things and whether or not I am uncomfortable with things and I tell her I am and that I want to deal with the friends thing now, head on.

 

So, you are supportive of my working out the mutual friends issues, but it is the special assistance to her, talking to her on the phone when she calls, and so on that you guys are not okay with because it just digs on old wounds that may weaken my resolve with my current girlfriend. I can see this and appreciate it. Also, your comment about what would happen to this friendship once she finds someone and pulls away cold turkey (if she didn’t introduce him into the group of friends)…very valid point and almost enough to convince me to stop all together.

 

Yes, I over analyze. A problem of mine as I search for answers. And you may be right about how she may be keeping me close (although it was her that ended it by moving out) and how she may be feeling I am moved on and doing better than she. I sensed that in our conversations. I really wonder why she would want me even in her apartment feeding what used to be our cats and telling me how she even prepped them for my arrival by saying “daddy is coming” .

 

The way I am treating my girlfriends insecurities with this is sharing with her why it is important for me and the ex to work it out and let everyone see we are friends and can be together at the same function without any issues. I may be putting the ex and my relationship with her before the current if I am trying to convince the current that what I am doing is the right thing and that I need her support even if she is uncomfortable at times with it. It is like I want the ex to see she is okay with it too.

 

What you said about how the ex may like the ego boost and how she would drop me in a second if a new boy wanted her to, makes her sound very manipulative. I guess I have a problem believing that. But I agree I need to keep my current as number one and worry about what she thinks first and not go out of my way to spend time or help out the ex.

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Hey cpxism,

 

I did not mean it to come accross as I think you were being foolish at all, so I am sorry if I offended you in the least. It is just I can see some patterns in your current situation that I have seen in those of others I know. Sometimes it is hard to see things when you are so "in them".

 

I think as long as you can ensure you put your relationship with your GIRLFRIEND ahead of your ex, and that means little things like honesty with her, about wondering and respecting HER feelings more then the ex's, you will be okay.

 

I can appreciate how difficult it can be, when you are in similar circles as the ex, and have such a history. However you also have to recall that it was her choice to end things, and while she may not intentionally be manipulative, it is pretty apparent in many of her past and present behaviours since the breakup that she is not always being exactly innocent either.

 

Good luck, and Happy Holidays to you.

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Hey cpxsim,

I have backed out and allowed RayKay to make the valid points that she has.

 

I do believe that is for the best that you make your current girlfriend your priority.

It is understandable that you are trying to maintain a friendship with your ex, so as there is no awkwardness when you meet her in your circle of friends.

However, there should be a boundry line where you can pull back.

You have no committment to her anymore, and she should not be able to distract you from your current relationship.

 

Take care.

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I also agree with what everyone else says.

 

Please be careful Cpxsim. By being friends with her you are playing with fire. So be very very careful.

 

Make sure you do not take your current squeeze for granted. She must be a very considerate and understanding person for her to be able to deal with this situation maturely. Sounds like the kind of person who would be just right for you.

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I took care of the cats for her in her apartment. I will just say this....It was not easy. the cats came right to me as if i never left thier lives. the feelings i had for her came right back with incredible force.

 

I should not have taken it on. she called last night to ask if i changed a light while there. it was either me or her landlord and her landlord did not ask to enter her place.

 

she was short on the phone. i asked about her gifts this xmas, but she did not ask about mine. she was the one keeping the call short, but then again she made it.

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As I may have told you already, the ex is finished with school and now is out and about. She even has the month of January off. Now I feel as if I need to recap because I have some serious questions!!!!

 

It started with a call on the 16th to invite me to her graduation gathering at a bar. She said to bring my girlfriend. (side note: my friends have been telling her how much they like my girlfriend and how great she is). My girlfriend and I ended up not going, but we met them out later after we attended a b-day party we had planned earlier for that night. The ex and my girlfriend met, but both were drunk. went fine. (side note: as you know, we have all the same friends, so this will continue to happen were we all meet out).

 

On the 18th at night I got a call from the ex...I usually never pick up because I am with my girlfriend when she calls. The message was to wish me a happy b-day. She sounded a little down at first or something but picked up later in the message.

 

I was going to return call on the 19th, but she beat me to it by calling me at work and saying she wanted to make sure I got the call and b-day wish. That call lasted an hour and went into how she wished she was not drunk when she met my girlfriend, how she felt a little awkward when we met her out and that she feels weird when she hears from friends how great the new girl is and that they really like her. She said she ended up speaking with her when she wanted to sit and talk to me. I told her that considering who ended our relationship, she should be happy for me because I have moved on and so she does not have to worry about me anymore like she did before she graduated and had all this time on her hands. She said that she has more time to think about the breakup and me moving on now. She talked about how things are so different now that she is changing into her job, losing some of her nursing friends, me with a girlfriend and her being lonely and having time to "think about it because she couldn't before due to the time she spent on school."

 

She told me about how she was hung-over from Saturday night and what happened to her. Evidently her friend moved in on a guy she was talking to and was semi setup with by a friend ("good looking" law student). She said she hates the fact that she must be in competition with a friend and that that friend should have called and apologized for taking him home when she was trying to get to know him. (I cringed, but bared it). I told her that she should always have some small amount of physical contact with a guy to let him know she likes him. She mistook that as a slam some how and got mad, but then I reminded her that that was what got my attention when she grabbed at my pant leg many years ago. She apologized and said she would take it into consideration. She said that she felt very unattractive when her friend was able to take him away. I said what I could to reminder her how cute she is (she was probably fishing for that support)

 

She mentioned that if family was going to be at my new year's party, she may have a problem and get emotional. I told her that only my little brother will be there who she has seen plenty since.

 

Not sure what is going through her mind, but she sounds lonely as she said she was. I am sure she will soon become very active on the dating scene.

 

She asked me to watch her cats (our old cats) because she had no one to ask since it was a long time away from them and that her friend can’t do it. I believe that, so i accepted to stop in on them and told my girlfriend about it.

 

We met again on the 20th at tender Tuesdays (a bar event put on by mutual friends). I was with my girlfriend when she arrived. My girlfriend went right up to her and said hello. After they talked, it seemed that, and I may just be crazy, through the corner of my eye, it seemed like I was being watched by the ex a lot. She just seemed to look in my direction a lot. Soon my girlfriend had to leave and I walked her two doors down to her place and returned. I talked to the ex then and got her key to watch the cats. we got into some deep conversation about how we are trying to remain friends in the same circle of friends hoping our friends are comfortable with both of us at functions...with all of the attention I was feeling from her lately, I may have said something leaning on how incredible she looked and god knows what else....

 

We talked the afternoon of the 21st (I called to check on the day to stop in on the cats). We had this conversation about how she does not want me to check in on the cats at her apartment if I am uncomfortable with it and she did not want to come in-between my girlfriend and me (she probably said this due to what I said to her at the end of the night). I told her I wanted to help her and deal with any stirred emotions head on. I need to get over it, I said.

 

We talked last night when I returned a call from her. She said she would call to see how it went, but in her message she said she just wanted to know about some bulbs that were changed by either me or her landlord. I called and she kept it short. I asked about her xmas, but she did not ask about mine. I told her she should set something up to get her keys back.

 

My problem is that now with all this going on, I can totally feel myself being pulled in another direction away from my girlfriend. My libido is * * * * again because of it and I am sure my girlfriend if feeling a little less love since the 16th. I am not sure if it is all the contact with the ex that is doing it or the "sense" that the ex is having second thoughts.

 

Is that possible? Is she just lonely and tugging at me a little? What should I do? Should I stop, meet with her and talk it out? What are her feelings she said she is having? It is confusing and I don't know if I should wait this out until after new years or before. If I meet her before new years and ask her about this stuff, will she get weirded out and think I am not over her and blow the whole my girlfriend thing up? I still love the ex and that is the problem. Do I call her and ask to meet before the big New Year’s party that my girlfriend and I are hosting with all of our friends? The ex plans on coming too because that where all the friends will be...

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