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A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased


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A new year is coming up in a matter of hours. If only you had seen this past year...you'd be shocked. I wished I could have told you all about it. 2020 was a year that no one was ready for. I can't be

Hey everybody. So glad you are at peace and didn't have to endure this pandemic in your lifetimes.

Mom,   Your name sake, there is no sadness like the one of wishing you could enjoy her in an earthly way. She would please your soul. Maybe she does. I feel she has gotten the best of both of us, yo

Slush said, What are your plans? I said, I don't know. I don't have any parents.

 

It just bloody sucks. Except when it doesn't.

 

The old LiveAid song has made me cry like 4 times. So I'm thinking I am a bit of a mess underneath my sturdy exterior. I am afraid to go to church. Gonna cry there too.

 

---

 

Mom, Dad, I am glad you are comfortable. Thank you for giving us your lives, making us your purpose.

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  • 1 month later...

I lost you both this year. You didn't even barely know each other. I wonder if there was ever a chance that you got to meet in the afterlife? Got to tell each other how much of a pain in the butt I am, lol.

 

Either way, I am missing you both so much tonight. I sometimes wonder how my sanity hasn't strayed from watching you both suffer and pass on. I do think that there are parts of our brain that automatically shut down in order to survive such emotional pain, and we don't even notice. I don't seem much different but I do think the room in my mind that has all the love left for you both, has been closed for now in order for me to accept and deal.

 

Though once in a while, like tonight, I feel the loss and the loneliness and the pain. And I still can hardly comprehend that you're both gone. It doesn't even seem possible.

I want to cry that you left me alone, but I know you didn't, you made sure I wouldn't be alone.

 

Still...I miss you both so much.

Where ever you both are, heaven, or another plane, or whatever form you now exist, I hope you can feel my love being sent to you tonight. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  • 4 weeks later...

Over this past year has been difficult and guess as always I don't grieve speedily because still hurts/still sad/and all the bad feelings that go along with losing someone you loved and knew for certain loved you. Difficult to move forward having one less person who cares about you in your life and talk to when you want. Miss and love you always. Have you seen how awful J has been? Didn't ever expect that even after all this time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok but did you see that mum?! I know you saw that. Un fricking believable. well I got to the being angry part at last.

So flippin angry. my chest is pounding with fury and disgust. This is how I lose all respect for them.

 

I can't sleep this furious.

 

Hey know the upside. That did it. That was the straw. I don't friggin want aaaaaanything any more. Nope, nope, nope.

 

Disgusted.

 

Actually, maybe I CAN sleep. Why wouldn't I, none of this #!&/ is on me.

 

# that #. I don't want it. I'm way too frikkin good for this.

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I dreamed about you visiting all night.

 

I liked how you cut those ropes.

 

I kept retreating back into the events of the dream all day. It was greatly consoling to have you visit. Thank you.

 

I keep stubbornly retreating back into silence as well. It still seems, the less said, the better.

 

I kept wanting to go back home with you in the dream. It's been that way for years now. I was surprised a bit nevertheless, that I was willing to pack up and leave everything behind. But it's something i've been wishing I could do.

 

I loved how green those vinyards were.

 

Sometimes I wonder, when I'm very sick and on my way out, what will my mind do with all this excess of life, that makes the dreamscapes, the thought matter, the sudden intrusions of past so bright and animated, singing and effusive. I think that must make a mind brake, once one is fragile enough. Imagine, my vivid, luscious madness then.

You all gave me...a life too alive. Like some pommegranate, bursting open.

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I had vivid vision of you yesterday, picking up Coco who loved you so much. How cute you two were together and how much joy she gave you. I've stopped contacting Jan for updates on Coco. It's just way too hard. I hope you aren't mad. I know you wanted to take her with you. She'll be there someday. She just deserved a second chance. I'm sure you miss her as much as she misses you. I'm so sorry.

 

Jim and I aren't speaking. Not entirely sure why. He stood me up for the carpet install, but honestly he didn't need to be there. I just asked him if he planned on coming and he said yes. I had called a couple other realtors to meet up with based on his response. He didn't show. He didn't even let me know. I know he was working on that dune buggy, in a hurry to get it ready for a rally. I'll assume that's what kept him. But sheeeees. He could have said that. So, as of now it's 3 mo's of silence. That and some things he did behind the scenes with the money that impacted me. I can only assume he didn't think I would find out. You wouldn't be happy and as much as you wanted nothing more than the two of us to be close, we tried. We are just way too different and I still am reminded of a brother I couldn't really ever count on. Why should that change now that you're gone?

 

I barely survived the holidays shortly after you left last year. I have such anxiety anticipating them this year. Add in that J will have to see his inlaws and A will likely have to work, S will be with his parents. . and I stay home and cook for Jim's family? I just can't.

 

J and I came up with the idea to get a bunch of us together and go to Cabo for Christmas! We've already booked our flights. Perfect. Well, we are back on Christmas, but this will be our celebration and for the rest, I am putting a pillow over my head and pretending that's it's not happening. Not without you. And not without Dad. It's just not the same.

 

Outside of the boys. . who have their own lives, I do really feel like an orphan. It's so weird, in an instant everything changed.

Edited by reinventmyself
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  • 1 month later...

Wish you were here to tell you about my travels, work is sending me all over the world now days, Trinidad, Mexico, rumors of going to Nigeria, it’s exciting seeing new places, meeting new folks, getting way out of my comfort zone but learning a lot.

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A new year is coming up in a matter of hours. If only you had seen this past year...you'd be shocked. I wished I could have told you all about it. 2020 was a year that no one was ready for. I can't believe how much we've lived through in a year!

A song came out as well called "Snowman" by Sia. I can't listen to it without getting choked up.

The song from what I have heard, sounds like a snowman who is very special to this girl, she saves him from the sun when it starts to warm up again. Takes him to the Northpole where they live happily ever after.

I couldn't save you. For all the love and will I had to desperately make you better, to fix you, I couldn't.

It breaks my heart today, every bit as much as it did back then.

I literally have to shut the memories off, because it overwhelms me, and I just can't.

Every single day though, you are in my thoughts. I believe it will be this way for the rest of my life.

You never leave my thoughts or my heart.

I miss you more than I can put into words....but you know that.

I just wanted to put down some of my thoughts. Sending my love to where ever you are, I still feel you are close by, in fact I know you are. 

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I'm working on viewing memories differently.  Memories bubble up and they still make me so sad. 

I had this epiphany . . That memories of you and Dad are all I have now and that they shouldn't make me sad.  I'm working  on being grateful for them and not running from them.

Naturally the holidays are really hard.  This is the first year I didnt panic and walk out of a store when I'd hear Christmas music.  I even turned it on in the car a few times. I immediately become a child and you're in your apron and Dads mulling about. The sounds and smells are so real, it's crazy. I push back the panic.  I sit in the moment and work on feeling grateful I can go there and it feels so real.

Last night S turned on some Frank Sinatra music.  I go rushing back in time and within 5 minutes I'm hiding in the bathroom trying to stop the tears so S doesnt see.

I miss you so much. . 

Edited by reinventmyself
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