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A Safe Place to Talk Freely to the Deceased


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Mom,

 

Your name sake, there is no sadness like the one of wishing you could enjoy her in an earthly way. She would please your soul. Maybe she does. I feel she has gotten the best of both of us, you and me, and much of our least effective parts have been filtered out. You know that quiet knowing smile you have? When she achieves, smile that smile. Because you've never doubted it. That is who this gal is. Her friends were telling her how much weight she has gained. It's true, she has. You know what she said? It doesn't matter what I weigh, it only matters how strong I am. How amazing is that, for a female teen with an absent father no less? Yeah, I know. Your mom, right? Your mom had that way about her? Her namesake, too. The beauty that emanates from her face! She is of your gene pool. Her face is familiar. We know this face. It lights up and I see generations, I see cousins, I see people I have never met. They all are there, bringing their warmth and their love with them and shining in her light.

 

Thank you Mom. You have shaped your grandchildren. They are sun and moon, corporal embodiment of all that is and all that can be. Space has no limits when writ on their faces, I could watch those faces and see planets never before known, slip between time so that it folds upon itself, me still absorbed in their faces, traveling the universe. You taught me how to love, Mom, and I tried it. I tried it with these two, and it worked! All love and faith and constancy, and they will do the rest.

 

Gosh dang it all I miss you.

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Mom,   Your name sake, there is no sadness like the one of wishing you could enjoy her in an earthly way. She would please your soul. Maybe she does. I feel she has gotten the best of both of us, yo

Miss you, thought when I brought you back home with me I would feel you here with me at least a little, because I know you loved me and wouldn't want me to not feel you still around me, but I haven't felt anything at all. Why won't you let me know you are still here in that small way? Would help me if you did. Even through my dreams but nothing it makes it that much more painful and difficult. Still balancing sad and angry. xx

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bruce- I miss you. Been thinking a lot about the dream of you I had when you first passed over. I guess I get why when I asked u to take me with u, you said it wasn't time yet, but still damn I miss you. Maybe some day soon I'll see you again, untill then remember you have a grandson that still loves and misses you and granny.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Mom - this is going to be a hard hitch, you've always texted me when I first get to the boat just to make sure I got here and to see what shift I was working. You've been gone 2 weeks today and it's going to be so weird not getting texts or calls from you while I'm out here. I went by your house last night under the guise of looking for paperwork, but in all honesty it was as much just to go by there. I'm trying to hold it together here but there are times when it's hard. I'm sure you know, but part of your ashes are riding shotgun in my truck with me and here on the boat. Maybe it was selfish, but I couldn't cremate your rings with you. So I'm getting LB to design a man's ring using your rings. Also sure you know, I put some of Floyds ashes in with yours so y'all are together physically too. Also mixed some of yalls ashes and sprinkled them over Molly's grave where we buried her in your back yard and placed a yellow flower there. I know it's not much but I guess that's y'all three back together physically as well. I can't bring myself to switch your phone off and let someone else have your number, so I let the battery run down and put it back in the box and put it in a cubbyhole at my house. Hope everything is going good and you are enjoying your time with Floyd, get a chance sometime come visit me in a dream. I love you, see you soon

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's so weird not being able to just text you. I mean I could but I wouldn't get a response bc your phone is in a cubby hole of my desk at my house. I know I knew it was coming but that don't mean it's not weird knowing your not here anymore. Happy mothers day

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Mom,

 

Please look after CapT. He's a boater obvi and a straight shooter and you would love his humanity. I guess you know that already. Hugs to his mom, too, from us here.

 

Thanks, Mom. I have long prayers for you this weekend. Till then xox

 

Me.

 

PS making a plan to be hot and sweaty and using my arms a bit, on the water. Then, a marina bathroom shower and a cocktail party, walking in by myself, late. I can feel you smile at that.

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right...defenses. you eventually ran out of yours. i seem to be running out of mine. i'd like to see them gone yesterday frankly, and the chips fall where they may. i no longer care to keep anything at bay. l am not anxiously asking "but what if/ what when". i think i know the answers anyway. and it's...okay.

 

it gets so overwhelming sometimes, the loss, some moments i can't contain it. i burst out in tears when my gaze fixed itself on my hands and they were...just like yours. your hands.

it was seeks ago and still...your hands.

 

so much to mend. that i don't hope for it to actually be mended. just....consistent integrity.

 

anything else is just an endless defeat.

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First Mother's Day without my mother. Mom, I kept wanting to call you all day. You've been on my mind, all sorts of memories of you being uniquely you. Your last few years were so different, but now I am going back to before then, feeling the presence of that part of you that I know so well as my mother. Thanks for being my Mom, for giving and caring and being Good and doing right. And I appreciated how you'd share books, at least way back when, about topics that we didn't discuss outright, but shared curiosity about. I think about you and feel that heart connection, without the worry of the past few years as your health and abilities declined. I appreciate how you were independent in your own way up until the very end, sturdy and stubborn and with a mischievous sense of humor. Yes, you were/are a good person, and I appreciate more and more the gift you have been to my life.

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You've been gone a month today. It sucks badly, but I know your better off there than you were here. Odd thing happened today. My buddy Marcus and his wife had a baby today. I guess where 1 life ends, another begins. Love you

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I'm still hung up on not being able to text you. The youngun started working out at the shop yesterday and dad sent bunch of pics of him puttin in floors, my first thought was to send you the pics but that'd be useless. They'd go through but your phone is at my house.

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  • 4 weeks later...

2 months Monday. Went back and re read some of our old texts. There's just an insanely huge part of my life that's missing. Had the strangest dream Monday, someone said I needed to go visit you, I woke up thinking oh hell I need to go to Arkansas, but then as I gained consciousness I realized your gone. I guess it could be bc this was the first time off that I hadn't been to Arky in 3-4 years to see you. I want to send you pics of Thomas workin at the shop for dad, tell you all about Coal dog, tell you about me and Jonnalynn how fast things are going but how it all seems to just fit this time. I know your seeing it all but damn I'd sure like to tell you.

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  • 2 months later...

5 months tommorow. You came and visted me last night, you looked really good, no more cancer, told me even though your body was gone, that they are working on your angel spirit, but that you'd only be able to come visit for another 5 months, if that's so please come visit every night. I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you

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5 months tommorow. You came and visted me last night, you looked really good, no more cancer, told me even though your body was gone, that they are working on your angel spirit, but that you'd only be able to come visit for another 5 months, if that's so please come visit every night. I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. I love you

 

that's incredible. i'm glad you saw her at peace.

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i've done well on my own, and got the good i never asked for from outside too, i guess i didn't expect i'd still get days when i miss you so much. it's not like i need anything. or lack anyone or anything providing repose, i have it. i just wish i had it with you for just five minutes.

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Um. You drank yourself to death. I walked out of our friendship a year ago or so, after the incident of exposing me to your bestie who then talked trash to Slush thinking she would win him at my expense; after I saw you teetering in the afternoon in the bar; after you persisted in telling me you did not have a drinking problem. I said for you to get help and that I cared about you but also that I had to speak up. At least, I think that's what I said.

 

Then you died. I didn't write you, call you, visit you. I wasn't in town for most of it. I thought about it, and decided it wasn't appropriate to feel good about myself, that I couldn't be sure what it would mean for you, and that your friend was nothing but destructive for me. Why reopen that channel?

 

It was selfish not to be available to you. It also was appropriate. Addiction killed you slowly. Watching it happen --- no. Want no part of that, no part of the collection of people who made so little use of their time on this planet, the people with whom you began to surround yourself.

 

This is my funeral for you. Now, you can see your father, and absorb his attention that you missed so deeply. You can see your mom. You can heal, if not on Earth then in Heaven, a place you were clear about, a place that exists in you, you full of faith in God and Heaven.

 

May God have mercy on you, heal you of all ills and pain, and hold you in love. May we all find such healing and love, such that in faith you knew it would be available to you. Goodbye friend. The addiction stole you long ago. Don't know why, but I am glad to think your ravished body can no longer diminish your spirit.

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I had a dad who talked with me

Who gave me the right to disagree

To question, and always answered me

As well as he could, and truthfully

 

He talked of adventures

The horrors of war

Of life, it's meaning, what love was for

 

How each would always need to strive

To improve the world, to keep it alive

Stressed the duty we owe each other

To be aware each man is a brother

 

Words for laughter he also spoke

A silly song, a happy joke

 

Time runs along

Some say I'm wise

That I look at life with seeing eyes

 

My heart is happy

My mind is free

 

I had a father who talked with me.

 

---

 

RIP dad, love you! xoxo

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I had a dad who talked with me

Who gave me the right to disagree

To question, and always answered me

As well as he could, and truthfully

 

He talked of adventures

The horrors of war

Of life, it's meaning, what love was for

 

How each would always need to strive

To improve the world, to keep it alive

Stressed the duty we owe each other

To be aware each man is a brother

 

Words for laughter he also spoke

A silly song, a happy joke

 

Time runs along

Some say I'm wise

That I look at life with seeing eyes

 

My heart is happy

My mind is free

 

I had a father who talked with me.

 

---

 

RIP dad, love you! xoxo

 

Well done ! Brava!

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Dad,

 

I have been mismanaging my money, paying for things I don't need or that aren't even my account. I have had three issues with my car, two of which could have been avoided, and that cost me about $1500 or maybe $2k. I have missed two flights. Left my keys in the front door. Or my packages out front, forgetting to bring them inside. This morning I walked away after buying my coffee. Without my coffee.

 

That said, I know you believed in me. I resolve to go see my rector this week. To begin to set my details in order. It won't be like this forever. I will talk to you more. That might help.

 

Wow, talk to you more. That struck a resonant chord, and not an easy one to play. That is a strong clue that I must do it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mom,

There's so much I wish I could tell you about. Thomas is taking all AP classes this year for college credit, did good on his ACT test Friday, hasn't gotten his score back yet but feels confident. I asked Jonna Lynn to be my wife, I know it's quick but it just feels like everything is in place for us this time. I got approved for my mortage loan, surprisingly only took about 5 mins to get approved then an hour on the phone doing paperwork. I've got so many plans for the house and barns, so many little things that will add up in the long run, like redoing the walls, right now it's got some old paneling that is hideous, going to take the old tounge and groove boards out of the old house in Al, plans them down, use them to replace the paneling then stain them, have the floors refinished, do away with all the old carpet, so it's just hardwood floors throughout, put in a fixed whole home genset that runs on propane so in case the power goes out it'll kick on immediately. So much to do and to tell you

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  • 2 weeks later...

I miss you today, very much. I had that type of feeling where you feel so lonely and yet the only one who could take away that loneliness, cannot.

 

I sat wondering where you are, your spirit, if you're at peace now. Wishing somehow time could rewind itself and give me more time with you.

 

You weren't ready to leave and I wasn't ready for you to go. Now I am stuck here wondering where you are and if you know I am missing you.

 

I need your words and company tonight. I hope you're around me somehow.

 

You always told me, don't cry, it's wasted energy. So I will try not to. But my heart feels sad today for you.

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