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Angry and disrespectful boyfriend


katah93

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we are both in our early 20’s. The issue I have with my boyfriend is his short temper and response to things that make him angry. When I say or do something that he doesn’t like it he generally begins to get annoyed at me and a lot of the time that escalates into him getting unnecessarily angry at me. This involves yelling at me and me getting upset and trying to defend myself. Other times he won’t say anything and I won’t realise how angry his is until he starts yelling at me. He also can't really take any criticism during these fights and if I say something that he feels is a 'lie' (ie. what I think or feel) he will decide that the conversation is over and refuse to talk to me. These fights don't too happen often, but there a huge issue to me when they do happen.

 

Also when we have differing opinions he refuses to acknowledge my opinion and will only say that his is the correct view. He will smirk at my opinions and then say rude things about my character. He doesn’t seem to think that this behavior is disrespectful.

 

An example of this is something that happened this morning. I’ve had a chronic sinus issue on and off for the past year. The previous week I had some stomach pain that went away after about 5 days. I went to the doctor this week about my sinuses and forgot to mention the stomach pains as they had gone when I went there. Today my boyfriend asked if I’d asked about my stomach when I went to the doctor and I just told him that I’d forgotten about it when I went.

My boyfriend then started to get annoyed at me and lecture me about it. When he got up I went to the kitchen to continue the ‘conversation’ and he started saying that I was never really sick/making it up and that I never say enough when I go to the doctors and so on. I feel that it was a ridiculous thing to get so annoyed about as I feel that I really didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Another example is one night we were going clubbing in the city with his friends. We were on the train and I was talking to him about how I was nervous about a job interview I had that week and was venting about why I didn’t think I’d get the job (not qualified, looked to young etc.). I didn’t even realise he was angry about the conversation until he started getting mean and then dragged me off the train before we got there. He then started yelling at me for ‘bringing down the night’ etc. This then turned into a massive fight which he blamed me for, as I was talking about something that was going to ruin the night. I thought I was just talking on the train, it wasn’t like I was going to discuss it all night.

 

I would just like some opinions on his temper and reactions. I’m not really sure if this is normal or if I’m right in thinking he needs some help dealing with his emotions? Also I'm not planning on breaking up with him, so I would prefer advice on how to fix this issue

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It seems WAY over the top to me. Yes I think you are correct that he needs help dealing with his emotions. Have you ever suggested he get help with this? If he doesn't think he has a problem he may not be willing to get help for it and there's nothing you can do to force him to. Since you plan to stay with him, it would also be a good idea for you to get counseling to so you can get clarity and learn healthy ways to deal w/ his anger outbursts. Hugs to you.

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I've spoken to him about this many times, and while he has improved there's still an issue. He appears to believe that yelling at people is okay if it's 'justified', however I believe its okay to be angry but yelling is not the way to deal with it. I have suggested he gets help but he doesn't feel that it is necessary, I think that he thinks that he doesn't have a problem, but that I'm just too sensitive or something.

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OK so since he doesn't think it's necessary for him to get help, I suggest counseling for you so you can learn strategies on how to best handle his angry outbursts and as a sounding board so you don't get dragged down by the anger and yelling.

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I have no idea why you would want this abusive personality as a boyfriend. He doesn't respect you, and without respect, there really isn't a relationship. His job is to support you, and it appears to me, based on what you wrote, is that you get alot of criticism and berating (abuse) whenever he should be granting that support. The result of that behavior is you will lose trust in him. You won't go to him when you normally would go to a boyfriend for that kind of thing, which is a normal part of every loving relationship.

 

Get away from him, there are a million guys out there who would love a chance to show you how you should be treated.

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Unless he's willing to get serious anger management treatment I'd suggest leaving. Heck if I was you I'd leave even if he was willing to get help.

 

Seriously. You haven't even been together two years and this is how he's treating you. It's only going to go downhill from here... He's verbally and emotionally abusing you. Not cool.

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I can't ever imagine living with someone who is so disrespectful and has serious anger management issues. It usually always gets worse and worse as time goes on and then leads to abuse. I would never allow someone to treat me like that. Ever. I would have been out the door a long time ago. It's about self-respect - DON'T ever allow someone to treat you badly.

 

The fact that he's not even willing to admit he has a major problem (or get help) and believes that yelling at people is ok, is all the more reason to get out, fast (imo). OP, WHY do you stay? Surely his treatment can't make you happy? Why settle for this abuse? If you had a sister, or a daughter, what advice would you give them? Would you encourage them to stay?? Think about it.

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Sometimes I really don't know why I continue to put up with it, I guess I just continue to hope he'll realise he's in the wrong. I've just been told by his younger brother that he was diagnosed with aspbergers when he was younger so I think that may have a lot to do with how he acts.

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I just keep believing he'll change. He has put in effort to change a lot, but he still keeps up some of the same behaviors when he's angry. I just wish he would do it for himself, rather than for me

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It is time to leave this relationship. I can tell you are partially beaten-down already because you keep making excuses for him and hope is beautiful but you know what it doesn't always work out. Get out of this relationship now. Not all people with Asperger's are this angry. My son has Aspergers and he's the sweetest thing in the world. Yes they can have some meltdowns when they are presented with situations that just overwhelmed them but generally they are not mean and spiteful. To me that speaks to the way he was raised. Something tells me he was not raised with a lot of patience and or got a lot of help. And that is why he's mean and angry. He's going to stay mean and angry unless he goes to counseling.

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I understand that you care for the guy, but quite frankly this isn't a healthy an loving relationship. I mean just the scene from the train that you painted for us, where you're stressed about whether you can or can't get a job you want. If he was a good boyfriend, he would have done the natural thing, which is to put his arms around you and encourage you and tell you about all the wonderful things about you that make you qualified for the job and how if they don't hire you, they made a big mistake because you'll end up working for their competitor. It's quite simple, if your girlfriend is distressed or worried about something, you comfort her. You don't take her off the train and yell at her for bringing down the mood. What a jerk.

 

This is an example of an asymmetrical level of caring in a relationship. You care about him a lot and want to "fix" him even though he treats you badly, and he is primarily concerned about having fun at a party as opposed to making you happy. A good relationship is about being happy together and doing everything you can to make sure your partner is happy because when they're happy, you're happy and things are amazing. And things are amazing because there's comfort there that if something bad happens, they'll be in your corner, they'll support you. I don't see that comfort in your relationship. You deserve that type of comfort. Everybody does.

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I know I shouldn't be making excuses, there's just something that's off about him. He just doesn't seem to see anything from anyone's view but his own.

 

He won't do it for himself, why would he do it for you? To make a change like that means to show love and compassion for the person that is getting hurt. He doesn't care that he's hurting you and continues to do so. Since you have no intentions of ending the relationship with him, then you just need to tolerate it I guess.

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Like you are telling my story.. but hè is my fiancee. Every single thing pisses him off. Seriously i dont know what to do, cause im wrong according to him. I just shut up every time and apologise but i dont know if i can do this for the rest of my life.

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Like you are telling my story.. but hè is my fiancee. Every single thing pisses him off. Seriously i dont know what to do, cause im wrong according to him. I just shut up every time and apologise but i dont know if i can do this for the rest of my life.

 

Have you tried speaking to him about it outside of an argument that has already begun?

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Like you are telling my story.. but hè is my fiancee. Every single thing pisses him off. Seriously i dont know what to do, cause im wrong according to him. I just shut up every time and apologise but i dont know if i can do this for the rest of my life.

 

Please don't marry him!!! "I don't know if I can't do this for the rest of my life" is not what ANYONE should be thinking about marriage. If that's the type of thoughts you have about what it might be like to be married to someone, GET AWAY FROM THAT PERSON.

 

If your visualization of what a marriage to your boyfriend/fiancée would be like is anything other than a partnership of equals giving each other unconditional love and support til death do they part, then you should not be getting married. If you think anything other than positive thoughts about what it would be like to be married, don't do it

 

You are worth so much more than this. His anger isn't your fault. You are worth being listened to, and your opinion has value. Not only should you be listened to, but your opinion should be sought out. If your boyfriend or fiancée isn't interested in hearing what you have to say, you need to get away from them and find a man who is worthy of your company.

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