On the road to finding love...

[RoseHeart]

I decided that I'm going to make a journal and post about all the seemingly bizarre occurrences of love in my life. I'm young, still have so much to learn and still have so much to experience. Perhaps my stories can inspire and can give insight to others. I'll tell you about where I'm at in my life right now love wise. For the past well, bloody hell, year and a bit I've been madly in love with a guy who would come into my life, but then go away again. To date, I have never in my life felt as strongly about one man before. It sounds silly, especially for adults who believe you can't feel love when you are young, but ever since I saw him I've been smitten. I've gone through periods of accepting it's over and then through periods of crushing like a 15 year old girl fantasizing about us together. I've had many crushes before. This one just stands out and it's because I genuinely saw us together realistically. With all my other past crushes I knew that we could never work out logically. But this one has been within my reach, our compatibility is exceptional and when we are together it's heaven. From now on, I'll be referring to this guy as Frank. So remember Frank as the guy who stole my heart and to this very day I'm still fighting to get it back.

 

Then there's another guy who I recently posted about. I'll refer to him as Jacob. I have this very awkward physical attraction towards him. When I see him my knees go weak and even though there's not much going on compatibility wise in other areas, we both entered what you'd call a "friend with benefits" friendship and we have had really good times together. He's fun to be around and I've always enjoyed our time together. It was fun to have him as a distraction from Frank and I could get all my physical needs taken care of by Jacob. However things went terribly wrong with us on Monday. I got angry because he cancelled yet again on one of our plans to get together. He's done this constantly, leaving me feeling bad. I realized I was starting to pull too much value into this hook up. It bothered me when we couldn't hook up and this started to become problematic as I realized I have become dependable on him and "need" him too much. I ended things and he apologized several times saying he's sorry that he couldn't meet up. The irony is, in my almost 2 years at uni I have never bumped into him and yesterday it just so happened that I randomly did bump into him. For the first time in a very long time I saw him outside a bedroom setting and it was so bloody awkward. I kept getting flashbacks of us being together. I decided not to be rude and greeted him, we hugged and we chatted for a minute but then he had to run off to get to a class he was late for. This was odd. I still have not texted him and I'm not planning on either. I must wean myself off him.

 

You might be wondering where Frank is and how our relations are. Well bizarrely we are on "okay" terms the last time I checked. We do not communicate as I suspect he deleted my number after we had a fight 3 weeks ago. But then 2 weeks, after our "fight" we sort of hanged out together at a local spot and held hands, hugged and he walked me home. So in real life things are good. But in cyber/internet world we are completely in a awkward place because I'm blocked from his phone. I've been avoiding him on campus for the past 2 weeks as I have no idea what to say to Frank. I'm upset that he still hasn't unblocked me but I have a theory that he just doesn't know that Whatsapp saves the numbers of blocked contacts even if you deleted their number. My best friend also suggested this could be true because even she says she had no idea that Whatsapp saves blocked contacts numbers. He's not a very tech-y guy. Seldom on his phone and prefers real life versus mingling on messengers. I've always liked this about him. So bottom line, me and Frank are hanging in the air and I'm keeping things this way till I manage to get a answer and to know why I'm still blocked. It's on him really to tell me what is going on.

 

I have to go now. Time to get ready for class and I have to go to the mall to pick up a gift for my dear mother (Mother's Day). I hope I don't bump into any familiar faces !

[RoseHeart]

So after all my classes and on my way back home I saw Frank accross the street. I didn't dare to look at him and tried to appear as if I'm busy. In a way I felt really bad. Sometimes I think I'm too harsh on guys. I don't know why but sometimes acting like you're busy, absent or ignoring someone can feel like the easier option. I comfort myself in knowing that I have nothing much to say to Frank anyway. Till the day I get a explanation for him blocking me, I'll never be able to move forward. I mean, how can we move forward and progress if he keeps me blocked? That makes no logical sense. I'm thinking that perhaps I should well, make myself a bit more approachable next week instead of hiding and avoiding Frank. Uni classes are ending for the semester next week and then it will be 2 months (if not more) till I see him again. The entire idea depresses me so freaking much. But I know it will also make it easier for me to temporarily ignore him. However I'll still miss his face. He looked so handsome today with his black winter coat, jeans and scarf. I wanted to run up to him and snuggle in his arms like all the previous times... I should focus on my studies right now but of course he sometimes pops into my head. Much less than before but he's still there. He's still in my heart.

 

I'm hoping that by now I've shown to him that I can survive on my own and be independent. I've worked on NC and keeping things chilled. I want him to realize that I'm not as clingy as I was last year and have learned to be OK on my own too. Besides, they say mystery also causes some desire. I'm hoping my absence can spark or ignite some sort of "I miss her" feelings. You always want what you can't have right? And besides, men like challenges. I'm trying to be a challenge for him, not making it easy for him. If I can keep this up and be smart I might be able to get him into my life but at times I don't want that and want to find someone else. Time will tell and this excites me endlessly. Not knowing where I'll be in a few months makes me nervous but also optimistic and hopeful. Maybe this time in a few months I'll be back in his arms? I sure hope so right now. Well I think right now it has more to do with this damn winter coldness and weather. His arms is the warmest, happiest and safest place and I'd give anything to be back there again, at least for now.

[RoseHeart]

You know what I really, really hate. Coming home on weekends to visit my parents and having to endure endless fights, arguments and negativity. I hate the fact that I'm constantly reminded of how awful my dad is, how bad are financial situation is, how my mom has to suffer with a emotionally abusive husband and how I can't do anything about it. I wish people knew the types of burdens that are placed on my shoulders. Perhaps then they'd understand why I am the way I am. I wish my parents knew how ty they make me feel and if they are aware of all the guilt, worry and hurt that they have placed in my heart that will never go away. Thanks to them, I will always have a bad opinion of marriage and as much as I hate to say it, my anger and frustration towards men has largely been influenced by my father who I despise. I wish i could know what it must be like to have a loving father and parents who love each other. These are things no one knows about me. Not even my best friend knows how I yearn for a father who can love me and tell me I'm special. I don't think I ever even want to find love and marry if it leads to the type of hell hole my mom finds herself in. Perhaps I should just stop wishing to find love. Maybe I'm not supposed to be on the road to love. All men so far have just disappointed me and failed to make me feel special and loved.

 

Is it even possible to feel loved and cherished by a man?

[RoseHeart]

So yesterday I ended up screwing both my relationships up with Frank and Jacob. All in one bloody day. I texted Frank and asked him to hang out this week and then he made some pathetic excuse saying he's busy with exams and stuff (exams are only starting next week) and maybe some other time. I felt upset because it was obvious that he was just looking for excuses. If he really wanted to spend time with me and wanted me then he would surely have at least a hour to spare this week. He didn't. I freaked out on him. Send him a long ass text telling him how badly he's hurt me and that I can't believe he's doing this to me again the second time around. BIG>EFFING>MISTAKE. He never replied and now I'll probably never be with Frank ever again. I wasn't rude but I wasn't nice either. He'll never look at me the same and I hate myself for it.

 

Then Jacob. Well after trying to organize a hook up for so long I sent one final text which he replied to but not in the way I wanted. He told me he found "someone very special" and that he can't hook up anymore. Great.

 

The only 2 men I thought I had, I lose. In one day. Literally a hour apart.

 

My life sucks a lot right now.

 

I'm starting to take my meds again. I thought I was done and in control. Turns out I was wrong.

[RoseHeart]

So please bear with me... this might be a lengthy post. I mentioned previously something about meds. Well. When I was still in high school I was diagnosed with Bipolar mood disorder. I hated knowing it. I seriously HATED it. I didn't feel like anything was wrong with me besides normal mood swings. At a stage I started feeling suicidal and my mom got worried and that's how I ended up at a psychologist in the first place. She referred me to a psychiatrist when I was told "You have Bipolar". See, mood disorders and depression runs in my family. Well on my mom's side. My mom has chronic depression and needs to take anti-depressants daily. My aunt also has Bipolar and needs meds. My grandmother had chronic depression. And apparently my great grandfather also had some sort of depression problem. Due to this strong line I guess I was doomed and set out to catch my basket of depression too. For 4 years I took my meds every day. Then beginning of this year I started to think well maybe, just maybe, I should stop taking my meds. I felt better, happier, equipped and overall GREAT about life. Far more than I ever felt I was while on the meds. Well, 5 months and apparently I was wrong because for the past 3 weeks there has been this dark cloud passing by constantly. I'm back into my old ways of getting out of control. I mean, my AWFUL message to Frank is one example. There was a time when I could compose myself, even without the meds. I felt I was in control... but apparently not so and it took 5 months for my brain to realize it. It's all such a mess. I go through phases of feeling AMAZING, flirtatious, confident and on top of it. During those phases I'm prone to promiscuous behavior, doing STUPID things and not thinking anything through. However in my down phases, I just want to lay in my bed all day and sleep. I cry. Don't want to talk to anyone. Want to be left alone and just cry and contemplate suicide.

 

I took my first pill yesterday and well, even though it's too soon for it to likely kick in, I must admit that I felt a strange sense of comfort floating through me as I swallowed it. I knew that soon I'd be feeling in control again. Soon I'd return to the same self I was for years and who could have managed to get through last year's depression bout over Frank not loving me and many other obstacles. The horrible thing is just that I need meds to make me "okay" again. I have such difficulty accepting this. I hate this so much. I want to be okay like other human beings without needing a pill. I know however that this is for the best. I cannot go on like this anymore. I'm setting myself up for disaster going out in my "trance" state of mind, doing/saying things to guys that I don't mean and being this uber flirtatious self that I know I'm not. I'm also hoping these meds can control me physically. I find that without it my well, personal needs (sexual needs) are out of control and I'm also willing to go to great lengths to satisfy them EVEN if it means ruining a perfectly happy friendship... Jacob.

 

Bottom line I hope I can get better. I thought I was fine. I really was convinced but after yet another night of crying my eyes out and wanting to stab myself with the kitchen knife, I've had enough. I need to do what is best for me.

 

On the love horizon.. well I ended up chatting to this very interesting guy who sounds (at this point) too good to be true. I myself have delved into what is called the online dating world. From time to time I check this one site I signed up for and while most of the time I find no right matches, I came accross a guy who stood out. Took the plunge and sent him a message. He ended up sending me 2 messages back within a hour. The first telling me how much he appreciates my message and then giving me his number and the second one asking me why I haven't replied and that he wants to make sure I understand his intentions are right. I was very flattered and last night sent him a text over the phone. We chatted for probably a hour and WOW. Compatibility wise I was blown away. I find him very attractive (but pictures can be deceiving!), he treats me SO well, he is such a gentleman and he is also religious which is something new to me. The third question he asked me was whether I was religious too. I felt this was odd but at the end I took this as a great sign. I need some influence on me. He doesn't seem like a conservative, hardcore Christian guy. I can tell he has morals and values in life which is exactly what I'm looking for. He's 2 years older than me (perfect!) and is already working and has finished his studies.

 

The one amazing thing about him is how attentive he is already. He has sent me a good morning text already and he types lengthy texts. Frank never did this. Neither did Jacob. This guy really makes me feel important, special and like he cares. I haven't felt like that in such a long time. It's just nice. But I know very well that much can go wrong and I will not get carried away with this idea. I hope to meet him some time and maybe, meet the man of my dreams. He is pretty much Rafael Nadal's look alike which is scary. But enough of him now. If he turns out to be a ideal person and someone I'm interested I'll definitely be referring to him as Nadal

 

Lastly, a guy I met about a month ago in a hang out spot at uni wants to come visit me today! I'm extremely nervous about this. I have no idea what he's expecting. Either way, I feel more in control already and will not give in to temptation. He's a fairly handsome guy and very fun to be around. But I definitely don't want to burn my bridges again and I will force myself to take things slooooow. Although he's still a young guy. My age. Probably not interested in anything serious either which is OK because I don't have much romantic feelings for him. Maybe a friend yes. Although I doubt he just wants a friend. We'll see how it goes. Busy day ahead of me.

 

I"m desperately trying to forget about Frank as you can tell. I don't even want to think about what I sent him and all the damage I have done. I'm not going to tell anyone about it either. Not even my best friend. This blunder of mine should remain secret because it's too embarrassing.

 

I hope everyone who is reading this will have a good day or had a good day.

[RoseHeart]

I'm pretty happy right now. The guy who wanted to come over tonight CALLED me (I'd explain now why this is a big deal) and apologized saying he can't make it as he and his dad had a huge fallout and he can't drive his dad's car to come to me. Now basically this means a lot because guys NEVER call me. I cannot remember the last time a guy made the effort to pick up his phone and say something to me. Usually it's a text. The last time was probably 2 years ago with my last boyfriend. So I thought this gesture was sweet and kind. People my age seldom call because it's expensive here and texting has become the norm. I'm actually starting to like this guy and I've always adored a man's voice over the phone. But at the same time I am utterly confused. I saw Frank today walking accross the street. You can smell the awkwardness from miles away. I struck blank and stood there on the other side of the road. I actually froze for a few seconds cause the mere sight of him caused a overflow of resentment, anger and hatred for him. He put me through so much. So many tears. Nights of crying myself to sleep. Depression. Plus then there's the lovely reminder of the text I sent him Monday. Either way he looked at me briefly and I couldn't make eye contact. It felt like too much. I wish I never had to see him again. But this will be my reality for a long, long time. Unless he stops studying which is unlikely. Another 2 years to have to deal with him.

 

I'm fairly happy this guy couldn't make it tonight cause I'm in a horrible state appearance wise. I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon and then spend way too long on dinner. I was worried that he might come and that I'd have to rush to organize my room and fix myself. I tried my best to come accross as sweet and friendly over the phone. Nadal (the guy from the dating site) has been texting me the whole day. He warned me that he's big on texting which is the complete opposite of all the guys I've known. It can be a tad annoying as I'm not on my phone often nor want to be. Plus I don't like useless, irrelevant chit chat. If I have a convo, I want it to be interesting! Odd texts here and there seems like such a waste.

 

I have studies to get to but I'm SO lazy! Urgh, also stressing for my Computer Programming exam next week Wednesday. I have a week to study and prepare but it seems too much. I don't understand the work and now I'm ranting. I'll stop!

 

Lots of love to everyone reading!

[RoseHeart]

I don't know what's up with me. My sleeping patterns has been pretty messed up this whole week so far and I guess it's because deep down I'm in still in a lot of emotional pain over what happened. I can pretend, I can keep myself busy and I can distract myself but the reality is that when I lay my head down at night I still feel upset and miss Frank. Regret, failure, rejection, unease, restlessness, frustration... these are all emotions I'm feeling. I'm tired. I can barely get enough sleep and my brain wakes me up sometimes hours before my alarm goes off. Right now my upcoming exams feels like a mountain and I know I need to focus on that before anything else. I know I'll make it through whatever is coming but the fact that I'm alone makes it worse and more difficult. I wish it didn't have to be this way and I wish I didn't miss the guy who broke my heart - twice.

[RoseHeart]

So of course today I had to bump into Frank again. Just this morning I'm talking about him on here and wishing to not see him and then randomly as I exited one of the uni buildings, he happened to just be walking past that exact building at that exact moment in time. Oh life has a funny way of playing with you... I mean what are the odds realistically? Hardly anyone even has class today (on Thursdays) so he must have been out studying or something which just makes the odds even more unlikely to see him. But yet. I did see him. The look on his face when he saw me was quite funny. I could tell he was very surprised by seeing me so suddenly. Usually we see each other around our apartment area and not on campus. But it was truthfully just as much of a shocker to me and the moment I caught his eyes, I looked away. I felt stressed, anxious and nervous the second he came into the picture. Prior to that I was feeling calm, hopeful and relaxed. But he changed all of that within seconds. As I walked away I could feel tears and just wanted to cry all over again. But I kept my pose and went to buy myself some bottled water and then returned to my business. It was unexpected and I guess I'll have to get used to this happening now. Except this time he'll be a stranger, we won't talk and I won't be liked/loved. But then again, I was never.

[RoseHeart]

Finally have some time to write. It's exam times now and that means that I might not be able to post as frequently. Plus exam times also means that there will be minimal things happening in my love life as everyone is studying and no one is thinking about love (except me of course) Today something interesting did happen though! As I was walking home from my day studying on campus at the student center, I bumped into a guy that I saw years ago. Like when I was 16/17. We sort of lost contact along the way as we were in different high schools. Turns out he took a gap year and this year came back to study. He's my age. He was so friendly with me and was the one who actually greeted me first. He asked about me and then *blush* asked for my number! He's quite handsome and I remember that I always thought he was a very decent and impressive guy. Not just for looks but because he has a very interesting personality. I of course did give him my number and to my surprise, about 10 mins after saying our goodbyes got a text from him saying how he thinks it's nice that he bumped into me and that we must definitely hang out some time ! This pretty much made my entire day. You know heartache and heartbreak aside, this was just one of those moments where I realized that I can get butterflies over a guy other than Frank. I walked home with a huge smile on my face and I'd LOVE to see this guy some time again. Maybe next semester. Who knows. I haven't replied to his text yet. I don't exactly know what to say and how to approach this matter. I trust that what will be will be. If I come up with something, I'll text him back but right now I have a exam to worry about.

 

Other news... well on Thursday I have a *date* with the guy that I met online. He's the one that looks like Rafael Nadal (I mentioned him somewhere in a previous post). He has been very much well, on my back since the day I gave him my number. He chats to me non stop and has added me on every possible social site. I guess this is where some mystery would have been nice. I appreciate him being so talkative but it seems like he's just a bit TOO much. Like texting someone once or twice a day is fine. But he texts me ALL the time and posts weird things if I don't reply. I wouldn't say he gets angry but he still comments on it which annoys me. BUT I'll keep a open mind and just go on this date already. Whether or not he's for me, time will tell. I feel like he has a great personality and we "click" well. But his behavior is very excessive which is the only fault I could find.. I'm still nervous about going on a date though! I keep thinking what it will be like and how he will be.

 

Either way, I have to get to my work. Writing a programming exam tomorrow and it's my worst and most difficult subject. Very stressed about that right now! I'm happy that classes has ended as I don't have to see Frank anymore. Whenever I go a few days without seeing him it's like I forget that he ever really existed. He literally just turns into a ghost which is amazing. But then I see him again.. and I get sad again..cycle starts over. I can at least try to enjoy this right now even if it's temporary and know that I'll have to face him again for a very long time.

 

Have a great week everybody and thanks for reading

[RoseHeart]

Finally I have some time to post about my date of last night! I was definitely very excited and happy to finally be going on a date again. I was naturally incredibly nervous and already started fussing about hours before he were to pick me up. He looked exactly like his dating site pictures, was dressed very nicely but seemed a bit nervous at the start which is understandable. We decided on going to dinner at this place that makes amazing burgers. The first thing I picked up with conversation is that he loves to talk about himself. He hardly ever gave me chance to speak and he never asked about me or my studies. It seems like he thought he knew me enough by the 5 odd facts about me on the dating site.. -_- Didn't ask about my studies, my living situation, my family, my friends....me.... it was just all about him it seemed. He also loved to brag about money which was very unsettling for me. It's clear that you can see he is new to the career world. He's 22 and got his his degree last year. Only started with his first job recently. I guess I understand that he's excited and thrilled about getting a salary and all that but it made me feel extremely unfit for him and like I couldn't talk with him. He made me feel small and like a child of some sort. Even though he's only 2 mere years older than me. This annoyed me quite a bit.

 

We also had a slight disagreement about my university. He openly insulted my university saying something about how our graduates struggle to find work and blah blah blah. Honestly, I facepalmed him in my mind at that moment. My uni is one of the top ones in my country. We are very reputable and well known. He graduated from a independent college of some sort that is pretty much ranked lower than low in my country. He himself even admitted to not being thrilled about his college and said he wouldn't recommend it to anyone. SO I have no idea what point he was trying to make by insulting my education. The biggest error he also made was by openly admitting that he ONLINE STALKED me. When I said something about my high school he said "oh yeah I saw on Google" and then he proceeded to say creepy things. This was incredibly strange for me. I don't know why anyone would openly admit on a first date with a new girl or guy that they typed their name into Google and checked out all the results.

 

As you probably guessed, this date was a fail. I did not feel a connection with him and neither felt chemistry. He's a nice guy and all. But we didn't click well and small things about him annoyed me endlessly. I also thought at times that he was just downright rude. This morning he texted me saying something about a second date. He also texted me right after our date giving me various compliments. I felt bad but I knew I had to be honest with him. So this morning I told him that I didn't feel a connection and thanked him kindly for his time and efforts. He seemed angry at first but then softened up a bit and he even sent me a funny picture on the phone a few hours after that. I feel terrible of course. It's never easy to reject someone or to end things. He obviously felt something that I didn't. I guess if he didn't come accross as so cocky and arrogant I would have given him another date. But I cannot stand arrogance in men. A bit is fine. But too much is just a turn off.

 

Thankfully I'm not too devastated about it. I mean, I am disappointed. But in a way I know I gave it a go and tried to reach out. In my previous post I mentioned the old friend that I saw. From now I'll refer to him as Richard. Richard has been texting me every day so far. He's said several times now that he wants to do something next week. I'm not going to keep my hopes up. But I feel a tingle whenever I think about him. I even feel butterflies in my stomach! This is crazy. I also catch myself with massive smiles on my face whenever we text. I cannot remember the last time this happened. Probably with Frank! I'm undoubtedly happy about this. I love feeling these feelings again with someone else. The only 2 drawbacks is that my best friend who was in highschool with him told me that he's very immature/childish and secondly he's a first year. Even though he is my age, he took a gap year. First year guys have bad reputations here. Very few of them want anything serious. I don't have time for guys with the party mentality. Concerning also what my best friend says, the last time she saw him was 2 years ago. I'm positive that he must have grown up in the time being. I still try to be open minded. I'll see where it goes.

 

Either way, I hope everyone has a amazing weekend Thank you for reading!

[RoseHeart]

Well, well, well ... I have some exciting news! Yesterday Mr. Jacob ... (my ex "friend with benefits" who ended things because he said he "found someone special") decided to break the 3/4 (?) week silence and texted me last night. He asked me how i was doing among other things and expressed that he wanted to hang out again. I knew what this meant of course. I decided to play naive and asked him what happened then to the girl that he spoke about weeks ago and he said that he didn't (wait for it) THINK that there was anything going on anymore between them and then said that really wanted to see me. I told him I'm not hooking up with him if he has a girl in his life and he said he didn't. The odd thing is, this morning when I asked him when he wants to get together, he didn't reply and when I asked him what was going on he told me that he's very busy at the moment with exams and that he'll let me know. I got very pissed off to be honest. You know, here he is once again trying to get flirty with me and say all these cute things but then he *as usual* bails on the last moment and gets *busy*. I vowed that next time I'll play hard to get and will not give in as easily. I feel naive and stupid for falling for another one of his flirty night texts. I honestly only want a hook up from him. My feelings for him was never very very strong and was always pure physical. I just miss the physical company and I know he misses it too sometimes but he is very complex to understand which is strange cause we were born on the same day and astrologically should be the same. I know this last part is silly but I would have imagined that we'd be more similar but clearly he's just different and typical 21 year old college guy. I thought I was done with "hook ups" but it's difficult especially when it's a guy who you feel absolute 100% physical chemistry with... like Lana Del Rey's one song goes.. "You make me crazy... you make me wild". Well, that's what he does. He does make me crazy and wild and I wish it wasn't so. On other news...

 

Tonight I'm seeing Richard! I know we said we'll do lunch tomorrow but I decided to ask him to hang out tonight as it better suited my schedule this way. He immediately told me it's all good and seems very excited about me coming over. Of course he is. I'm NOT going to rush things tonight. It sounds like he's very into me but it could be pure physical. I'm going to follow my heart and see how things go. I'm going to have a strong word with myself before I go and will try my hardest to not be seductive or flirty. I want this guy to respect me and see me in a serious way. But the fact that he's 20, and a first year kind of leaves me with no hope as I know very few guys his age want anything serious. In a way I also really crave a good time and just being physical but I also know that it is not usually the best foundation for a possible future relationship. I just find him so attractive too. What is wrong with me. The irony is I'm in the middle of my exams and need to focus on studies but instead I have attractive men on my mind. I want love. I really do want love but it's hard when you are surrounded by immature guys who just wants to mess around and have fun.

 

 

I"m very excited and nervous for tonight. A water pipe burst and now I can't shower so I hope it comes back on within the next 2 hours cause I need to get ready!

 

Will report back and tell you how tonight went!

[RoseHeart]

I literally have THE biggest smile on my face as I'm typing this . Why? Because I think I'm onto something amazing and beautiful. Last night was extraordinarily wonderful. I felt this intense CRAZY connection with Richard and everything was perfect! I honestly could not have asked for a perfect night. He made us dinner, we watched a part of a movie and talked a lot. We also kissed and progressed a bit but we didn't go far and I managed to control myself. He told me that he'd rather we didn't move fast and that he wants to take it slow physically. He also told me that he is interested in a relationship and isn't looking for anything else. Of course at this stage of him telling me this I just fell even more in love. He's so handsome, romantic, funny and charming. There are perhaps a minor flaw here and there but everyone has them! I'm not going to let that ruin anything. I felt like I could tell him anything and we just laughed about things that I would probably never laugh about with anyone else but that is just the effect he had on me. We are different but yet similar. I'm just worried that for some reason he'll lose interest in me which is what always happens

 

He actually phoned me this morning and told me that he can't wait till next week to see me (we said we'll see each other again in a week due to exams) and asked whether it's possible for him to see me sooner. This was pretty refreshing and made my entire day! I thought he'd need a few days to think about how he feels but clearly he is interested in some way. I can't believe it! I'm honestly blown away by him and how he is acting towards me. I didn't think it was possible to feel so secure already and the adorable thing is that he promised to not bother me during the day with texts as he wants me to study hard today so that we can see each other tomorrow and then right after the phone call this morning he sent me another text saying "good luck with the studies, this is all you'll be hearing from me ". I love this. I feel so lucky but the truth is that I also feel fear. Fear of being disappointed again and having another possible romance not working out. I'm not pushy for anything serious right now. I still want to get to know him too and it's obviously still long before we can establish anything serious like a relationship but it would be awful to hear he isn't interested a few months into the dating phase. I think I'd be devastated all over again if this doesn't work out as I'm already putting a lot of hope, dreams and fantasies into this guy. I feel so happy that I have decided to completely cut off all contact with Jacob and will NOT be visiting him or replying to his texts if he tells me he wants to do something. I'm so happy with Richard that I don't even desire another man. I just want to cuddle and kiss Richard and this is exciting. I have not felt this excited about love in a LONG time.

 

I don't want this feeling to ever end and it's safe to say, I have fallen for Richard. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. Either way, I'm going to enjoy this feeling.

 

Peace for everyone and hope everyone is having a good week so far. I know I have

[RoseHeart]

So I thought I should update you guys on Richard

 

He's coming over tonight for a hour or so. He wants to visit me before next week as he's going to be busy next week and we won't see each other this weekend. I appreciate that he's making such a effort into coming over and to see me. That means a lot actually. See... this is what is so difficult. He's so nice to me and treats me really well and kindly but every time I just manage to find this image of him in my head smoking weed and saying stupid things that will annoy me. Perhaps he'll grow out out of this phase someday. He's 20 and at uni. I guess it's common for people to smoke weed here. I just know that I haven't had to deal with it directly and it sucks that I'm now confronted with it.

 

I will look for the right moment and opportunity to express to him that I don't know how to act when he says he's high. I want to know if he's different and will say different things to me.. I also want to know HOW often he does it cause if it's a daily thing then I don't think I can do it. Occasionally is okay, but I in no way want to date someone who gets high every day. Nor will I want to date someone who gets drunk every day. It's the same idea.

 

This is pretty frustrating

[RoseHeart]

I finally have some time to write! I'll start off with how my "date" went on Thursday evening when Richard visited me. I was quite nervous about the entire evening. I thought about how amazing it was on Tuesday and then I had like 100 butterflies in my stomach as I sat there waiting for him to come. I was under the impression that it will just be a small hang out/catch up visit. I was writing a exam at 9 am the next morning and he was out to dinner with his mom (it was her birthday) so he could only come to me at 9:30 PM. I thought that by 11pm he'll be gone as I needed my sleep due to the exam. However... I have never been so wrong. *insert a 9gag meme here please*

 

It was raining when I went out to fetch him at the gate of my apartment and the entire atmosphere was so perfect. He looked amazing as usual. He has a very laid-back jeans, t shirt and hoodie style which I like. He has medium length hair and oh gawd, when he puts it up in a ponytail he looks like the most handsome man I've ever seen. It was funny. When we met up I reached out for a hug but he reached out for a kiss! It was quite awkward and he even said "well that was awkward". I kissed him quickly then and hoped that the awkwardness would go away! When we got to my room I showed him around and then we started watching random Youtube videos together. We watched all these hilarious videos and were laughing like crazy! Every now and then he'd put his arm around me which was nice. We then browsed around on 9Gag together, we listened to music and just talked about random stuff. When I looked again it was close to like 12am in the morning. I was shocked. He then said well it's time he organizes a lift (he doesn't have his own car yet, or he has car problems) back home so he messaged a few of his friends but they were all sleeping. The inevitable was of course, that he has to sleep over. It wouldn't be right to let him walk alone at that time in the morning, during rainy weather and it's not like this apartment is down the road. It's a good 20 minute walk at least.

 

At that time I was already getting pretty tired and was very stressed about my exam the next morning. Regardless we cuddled for a bit on the bed and just talked. Then I went to change into my PJ's, he took off his jeans and hoodie and we got into bed. I have a single bed so it was a bit, difficult. We were all up in each other's space and I felt very hot/warm during the entire night with this body next to mine. I'm not used to it so I'd be lying if I said it didn't annoy me. I just wanted zzzz and he wanted to cuddle and kiss me. We did sort of have our moment but we didn't do anything serious under the sheets and kept things pretty PG if you ask me. I think I got like a overall total of maybe 3 hours of sleep that night and now, 2 days later I STILL feel the lack of sleep. I'm very serious about my 8 hours sleep and anything less than 5 hours makes me feel like a zombie for the following couple of days. So I'm still recovering!

 

With that said, being able to wake up next to him was beyond amazing. I didn't even feel that tired cause I was high on the energy he was giving. Just being around him makes me happy. The morning was a rush. I had to shower quickly, get dressed, eat breakfast AND do a quick study session because I was anxious over my exam. He just kept sleeping and then eventually he also got up. The best thing about the ENTIRE night was when he walked me all the way to my exam building. He held my hand the entire time in public, and when we arrived at the place I needed to be, we kissed quickly and then he left. This was a special moment for me as I have always desired to have my hand held in public on the uni campus. Nevermind a little kiss! My exam went pretty well considering all the variables and I also give this night another 10/10

 

He has so far managed to message me every day now. He has to study for his own exams so I don't expect too much from him. However we did play a online game together last night which was fun for both of us. He said we can maybe play another game this morning. We are also seeing each other again this coming Wednesday. I didn't even have time to say yes or no. He just assumed we'll see each other then which I think is really cool So far, so good. I told my mom about him and my best friend also knows about him now. IDK if I mentioned this before but he also told all his friends about me. I hope this is a good sign.

 

I'm anxious to see him again, I'm not going to lie. But I enjoy the excited feelings. It's nice o have something to look forward to and I'm enjoying every minute of feeling in love I hope everyone is having a great weekend

 

xxx

[RoseHeart]

Quick update I'm seeing Richard tomorrow night

 

Good week to everyone reading this. xx

[RoseHeart]

I can't say much as I'm too depressed right now to say anything. Turns out my prince charming wasn't my prince charming. I was wrong. It's not him. He wasn't the one. I'm not going to elaborate, as it's too hurtful at this point to speak. I'm crying as I write this and I feel broken and devastated. Bottom line Richard would rather do drugs than be with me. I don't know what kind of man he is. I don't think he's one. He's a boy. A ing boy who should grow up. He lost a good woman and I'm not fighting for him anymore. I'm over this.

 

I shall return to my road to find new love. It just wasn't him. I was so happy. But I guess it's better to end it now than end it a year from now. I know where I stand and a man who would rather be high than spend time with me is probably not what a prince charming or intelligent human being is supposed to look like. I can do better. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

[RoseHeart]

I feel like a idiot reading the above posts not knowing what was about to hit me a few days later.

 

Stupid stupid girl.

[RoseHeart]

Today was a pretty good day considering all the stuff that I have to deal with. Besides the obvious heartache I'm experiencing, I'm in my mid year exams which is a pretty big deal. If you screw up now, then well ... you're screwed Thankfully, goodness, my exams have all been going smooth. Including the one I wrote yesterday which was in the midst of all my sadness and depression... it's a miracle I made it really as I couldn't bring myself to study the day before the exam...and I kind of left everything for the last day But... as I said, yesterday went pretty good for someone who didn't study much and it was a lot of work so IDK how I managed to cram everything into my brain 2 hours before the exam. Bizarre but I thank my guardian angels and luck for bringing me through.

 

This weekend is pretty depressing. Most students have finished with their exams and I'm one of the few stuck here at uni having to study for my exam Monday. I actually feel pretty calm about it which is crazy cause it's supposed to be my most difficult subject. I still have to study though and the distraction is good. I feel like the reality and loneliness will really really hit me hard when I go home on Monday for my holiday. I know then there will be no distractions or things I have to do... I will have to confront this empty feeling in my heart, stomach and freaking soul. I know I sound dramatic but dammit, I really felt strongly about Richard. I feel odd talking about him as if it's this taboo... especially after everything he did. I feel like a bloody idiot. I cannot believe i fell for someone so hard, so fast. The worst is that if he ever comes back I doubt I'd be able to forget this incident... or what he did. It will be too difficult. He'll also have to stop doing drugs which is a long shot at this point.

 

I cannot believe that a week ago I was the happiest girl, excited for the new guy in my life. If only I knew it will end so soon and so coldly. The moment I knew it wasn't going to work was Wednesday morning when he acted so cold around me after we woke up. It was obvious the weed has worn out and he was probably craving more as it sounds like he's literally a daily pot smoker and needs it to feel okay. I kinda realized at that point that I cannot see how I can be with someone who is so dependent on a substance. Plus he's on heavy medication too which is alarming. He also had no food in his apartment... likely cause of the weed. He'd rather smoke weed who knows how many times a day than have food in his own cupboard. It's not like he's too poor either. I know exactly what's going on there and I refuse to be a part of it. All I said was that I don't want him to be high around me and that was too much to ask of him... apparently that's unreasonable of me and that I'm trying to change him. Ironic cause he told me he wanted someone who could make him a better person... well golly gosh. Now he's just as dependent on a substance as his alcoholic father who is dependent on alcohol. Anyone who would choose a substance over a person they claim they care about and love is a hopeless case.

 

I wish I didn't miss him and think of him. Every night I go to bed I think of how happy I was sleeping his arms. I felt so safe and content. I really embarrassingly enough, thought he could be my soul mate. It sure felt like that. I feel angry that I allowed this. Allowed him into my life too for that matter. I should have known and I was starting to feel OK again before I met him. Now he came back and screwed everything up. I wonder what he's doing now and what he's thinking. Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? I overplay all the moments together all the time... I remember how happy we were and how we just laughed non stop around each other. Was that really the truth? Was that really him? Why did he have to treat me so horribly that morning? Questions I'll never get answers to. I guess I can do better and shouldn't let a guy like him bring me down. In hindsight he's probably bad news, a bad influence and someone who could have potentially ruined me if I fell into the same lifestyle as him.

 

 

I have to get back to studies now but thanks for reading and I hope you have a great weekend =)

[RoseHeart]

I had to change my username on here due to some issues with Google search. I got paranoid about something hence the name change

 

I will be getting back to my blog as soon as uni starts again which is in a week

 

So I'll be back... SOON ^_^