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Sorry in advance.. This is kinda long.. I really need some advice! This has been going on to long now. Do I leave or do I stay? Okay.. So, I have been together with my boyfriend on & off for a little over 5 years now and most things in the relationship are great or were great!

Before starting let me say.. I'm 31 and he is 33 years old. The problem started with my man not wanting to have sex anymore or cuddle or talk or really have anything to do with me. I have to beg for his attention. Or at least that's how I feel lately. I don’t know what to do about it. I have talked this through with him and he just says sorry or I'm to y so he doesn't want to touch me. Well ya I'm ing because I have needs that are not being met! Okay long story short we live together. I have two kids he has three (together four boys one girl) one out of three of his boys lives with us. (And hates me, but that's just icing on the cake) I have cheated on him before! More then once or twice then when we moved out of town things were going good then he stopped showing me attention so I thought I would liven it up.. I let him sleep with one of my friends to "get it out of his system" and also had a three some with him & some chick he later was with after we broke up. So we split up for a year (the longest break up out of 4 or 5) so when I moved back and took this on again I knew I loved him and do love him with all my heart and so sorry I messed up what we had and vowed to never cheat again! And I haven't! Don't even have the desire! Now I want to fix us! But.. It started going down hill when he stopped wanting sex.. And then I brought up counseling so we went and then I changed jobs (at his request closer to home & I hate it) so now we can't finish counseling cuz I can't get the days off for it now & I'm working nights. So no sex which I need sex! And lots of it! And then he doesn't talk to me.. We talk about kids dinner and mildly work. Now we don't cuddle and when I try and talk to him he tells me its because I'm ing. Ugh! Feeling like it's a vicious circle and I'm trying to hold us together trying not to be mean but getting no where... Please help! I'm so confused and hurt! I want nothing more then to put our family back together and have lots of sex & talking and just enjoy life! Is it really this hard!?! Thanks!

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Hey - you certainly have a busy situation, being together and having each other's children in the equation too.

 

I wonder what he wants right now. in terms of sex/intimacy, he clearly doesn't want the same as you.

 

In terms of sex outside the relationship - it looks like you've both had sex kind of outside the relationship.

 

So... now, you want to be exclusive with him in terms of sex, and maybe he doesn't want the same thing. I wonder whether he resents you for things... and it sounds like you resent him because you changed jobs, closer to home, and now... it hasn't changed things the way you hoped things would change.

 

Finally - the big questions

1) what does he actually want from a relationship with you... and what would he commit to?

2) what do you definitely want from a relationship with him... and what would you commit to?

3) if what each of you want doesn't exactly match with what the other wants.... can you accept the differences and work with them to stay together?

oh... and 4) - if you can work out staying together... can you cope with/accept what was done in the past, without it being a source of resentment that festers and gets thrown regularly into arguments.

 

I'm afraid relationships are complicated - there aren't easy answers!

 

Good luck, and best wishes. I hope something comes out of this that works out for both of you, and for all of your children too.

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