Friend helping me move on

[kathy679]

Just lately ive felt like i am moving on from my ex after a really awful last 3 and a half months. I have been in a really dark place but lately ive been talking to and meeting up with this bloke.

 

I have been honest with him about what i have been through and i am not looking for a relationship. He is good company and that is what is doing me good. He is laid back and makes me laugh. Im not sure if he is hoping that things will progress into a relationship? I know i still am healing and hurting over my ex but im in a much better place and i think its because of the support im getting and the laughs from my new male friend.

 

I just wanted some advice really. Is it ok to hang around with other men while healing? im being honest with him, but i hope he still doesnt start developing feelings that may complicate things?

 

and if i developed feelings in the near future, would they be based on me feeling lonely? i do really really like him, but my instincts are telling me that im feeling vulnerable because im still hurting. I have told him this, and i think a friend like him is good for me, as long as its just friends....

 

I just needed to talk really, so any advice would be good.thanks.

[muskrats21]

I think you are handling the new friend just fine. Be up front and honest with him. I would just say if anything does develop make 1,000% sure you don't have a single piece of your heart or feeling left for your ex. Ask yourself if your ex came back begging to be back together today would you go back with him. If the answer is yes.... you're not ready for a new relationship. If it is no.... then you are truly free and ready. But I think it is perfectly fine to have a friendship with another guy right now if taken slow and honest. It's a good step and puts a smile back on your face.

[gxzone]

Kathy, I can offer you my story if you'd like to hear it. I'm your guy here in your situation. My ex left a 7 year miserable relationship - yet was still heartbroken about it. Me and her have talked for the past 4 years, even when she was in the relationship, but we were distant friends that got closer and closer.

 

She was talking to the people she felt comfortable I suppose about it and comfort, but eventually we talked every day. She said I comforted her a lot. I think if you can find a guy like this, it is OK to continue to talk to him. In fact, I never considered her as more than a friend until one day (we are 500 miles apart) I told her I'll be in the area and asked if she wanted to meet. My intentions were only as friends, but she confessed she might be developing feelings for me.

 

This was about 6 months give or take after she left her 7 year relationship, and I can tell you now it was too soon for her, but I suppose she associated the comfort with feelings. Actually, she really did have feelings for me, but by confessing she opened up my heart to that possibility, and I began to have feelings for her too - we are extremely compatible, but we failed and are now broken up.

 

I can't tell you how she feels about this failed relationship because I am on strict NC with her, but at the beginning I'm sure she was very, very sad. Despite this, I've learned she got straight A's in her most recent grueling semester at her prestigious university, so she has either the motivation or has healed enough to accomplish amazing things - perhaps even greater than when I was with her (I left her with extremely encouraging words about how she can do anything she wants to in her life, and to never believe she can't do something). Who knows the reasons, but right now she is chugging along in her life and I hold no bitterness to her, I'm only so, SO proud of her, because she used to be a C student in a no name college and she made it all happen, and losing me didn't stop her, it may have even pushed her harder. I hope I was a positive influence in her life despite the hurt I felt for the past 2 months.

 

...felt? Wow, didn't expect myself to say that this soon.

 

So, I will say you are in a dangerous situation about making this guy like you, yes. It is not something you can do much about - if you say he can't develop feelings for you, it MIGHT help, or it may just inject that idea in his head. Its too tough, and I would suggest just talking to him as normal if he comforts you (he even sounds like me...laid back and made her laugh).

 

At least in my case, I had enough sense to know my girl just wanted comfort. I really enjoyed talking to her to the point I was initiating every day after a while, but I knew my boundaries and your situation, it was strictly in a friendly way. I can't speak for your bloke here of course, but maybe it'll help you to hear how it was for me.

 

And for the record, I never EVER regretted that we gave it a shot, or that she confessed to me. She was never able to fully let herself feel for me, she was too scared. This did I feel ruin what could of been so much more, sorry to be honest but honest is what you need.

 

If you'd like to hear any details please let me know. Like I said, I just lived through this similar situation.

[kathy679]

thanks Gxzone. No, honesty is just what i want to hear. Its nice you could share your experience with me about a similar situation. I just want to make sure I am thinking about my reasons for being friends with this man. Its not really for comfort because I know that when you come out of a relationship you are vulenerable. In my past I have had rebound relationships when i was younger, when i didnt know any better. But now my agenda is to heal, grow as a person and make new friends who love me for who i am. This is more important than filling a void left by my ex.

 

My male friend seems very understanding and seems to get where I am on my healing journey, but i will be honest with him about everything and I hope we can be there for each other as friends.

[AlienQueen]

Heya, I'm currently getting over my break up, its been a week and a half, I have a colleague who has helped me through alot, he's a guy, he even stays over mine, I'm 23 and he's 27, he knows fully well of my BU from the very start, he's helped me through so much. I think its ok to have a friend of the opposite sex if you both know you're not looking relationship.

[sharky988]

I think there's a good possibility you're using this guy as a Relationship Substitute. He might be hanging around in hopes of having a relationship with you one day, or he might be hanging around just for sex..... but I seriously doubt he's in your life right now for platonic friendship only.

 

I don't think anybody MEANS to use someone else as a rebound. Usually it begins harmlessly -- as casual dating, or friendship only, or FWB only -- but gets complicated over time as more feelings develop.

 

I think it helps YOU to feel better while you recover from your breakup.... but I don't think it's going to end well for your friend.

[kathy679]

thanks sharky, me and my friend had a conversation last night about this. he admitted to me that he is attracted to me. i explained to him that if anything was to happen then i would be thinking about my ex the whole time and i that my friend would just be a rebound.

 

i was being honest, it was an awkward conversation. I am worried for my friend because if he does develop stronger feelings for me should i still see him? limit my time with him? or should i back away completely?

 

He told me that he does like me, he understands that nothing could never happen and that we may only ever be just friends. I said i cant think anything past here and now because im hurting still and i cant answer that question.

[sharky988]

You should stop seeing him if you're not attracted and looking for a relationship with him, imo.

[IAmFCA]

OP you've been honest with him, and that is good. Next, you need to be honest with yourself. Are you being a good friend to him?

 

My guess is that as you get stronger and value yourself more highly as you recover, that your desire to be with this friend will decrease. There may be times even now when you hang out with him because you know it makes him happy and you enjoy it well enough, but in truth you would be better off doing your own thing.

 

I suggest you tone down the friendship, and focus on building up other connections.

 

And the answer is yes, men and women can be friends. In this instance, though, his feelings should be taken more seriously then either of you is doing at the moment.

[kathy679]

i do enjoy his company and we both make each other laugh. I think i am being a good friend to him, but because he has said he has feelings for me i think i will need to tone it down so that he doesnt get his hopes up. Thanks ithinkican, its good to have your views, i need to tread carefully and get an outside perspective on this one

[gxzone]

I feel like I want to say something but I'm not sure what to say because I don't know what is right here. You may have the right idea, but it just soooOOOOo seems like deja vu for me. My ex, who was also recovering from a bad breakup, first confessed the possibility of feelings in May. In July she warned me the feelings were questionable and that they were more like 'puppy love' (whatever that means, but I got a sorta idea, and I was also holding back feelings in caution because we had not met in person). Maybe as a result of herself understanding her own feelings as a possibility of vulnerability and rebound, she kept repelling me after seeming sweet and into it for a while. It was very confusing and hurtful at times, but I stuck around because I began to really like her.

 

I think in November or December or so, she began to tell me she was beginning to feel ready for a boyfriend...it did not sound like me. The way she said it hurt, and in December and Jan it could be that as described in this thread, as she felt she needed me less, she started to grow distance, but perhaps tried to stay nice because she understood that by this time I was invested, maybe even give it a shot as a fair thing to do for me (its only a theory, but hear me out).

 

I may change my mind, as it is a fine line as to what is right for me having felt like I've been here on the other side, but at the moment I feel like the right thing to do is put this friendship on hold for 6 months or so. You are still too broken to start something and end up dealing with a difficult situation where you are not willing to open your heart and he will feel confused and sad as he gets more and more attached. Simply saying to be careful is not enough, the more contact, the more attachment. It will sting less if you suggest to stop talking now, in much the same way my ex suggested that at one point in November - but she broke within hours.

 

Agreeing not to talk until things settle down was actually a big relief for me, for what its worth. He may be open to the idea too. Be honest and say you don't want to make a mess. I know its one less comfort for you during your healing, but it may just lead to a bigger reward later when you don't have to deal with a hurt friend and maybe a hurt you. Waiting 6 months means you have time to settle down and be less confused. If you still feel a connection nothing is destroyed and you can go for it head on, and may lead to a much more rewarding relationship. If you feel you cooled off, less harm done, and you may be able to keep the friendship at least.

[kathy679]

Thanks, that's really good advice. I will speak to him about this.

 

i don't think, even at any point, a relationship will develop for me. I haven't told him that i don't find him attractive because i don't want to hurt his feelings. But i don't. For me its more of a case of we get on really well and have a lot in common.

 

i understand for him it is that he is attracted and feelings may develop. I think another 6 months apart would help me get over my ex and be in a better place. But in 6 months i still wont fancy my friend, but i will be more over my ex. Its tricky, i think it will prevent my friend from getting hurt though, which is what i want.

 

thanks Gxzone, i will talk with him about this

[sharky988]

Tell him that you don't find him attractive. Tell him there will never be a romantic relationship between you, not ever.

 

It's very selfish of you -- just imo -- to be continuing this so-called friendship when you know he has feelings for you and that you'll never return these feelings.

[kathy679]

Sharkey i was going to say that when he said he found me attractive, but i didnt no how to word it without hurting his feelings. I will have this conversation with him and tell him because weve only been hanging out 2 weeks. Id like to make my feelings clear now and save him from hurting. Thanks for the advice.