Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Just like my title says... hes pushing me away and refuses to talk about it. I did get him to tell me that he "needs some space" tonight, but when I asked.him if he wanted me to leave he said "stop it..." and our conversation died out from there... This started about 10 days or so. We had a very minor (what I thought was, anyways..) "bicker" fight like married couples often do and it seemed like everyone had moved on. He had been pretty edgy to me and our animals, but hes been in a "funk" before and I tried not to take it personally, like always. Then he just slowly sucked into himself and that's been the end of that! He gets up, goes to work, comes home, sleeps on the couch. He doesnt want to talk to me or do anything... with anyone, for that matter. Im pretty sure hes suffering from some man depression but is not the type to ever seek any help for it. Every time I try and talk to him he just gets upset. Its turned into such a dead end for me! I dont handle stress well and this has me.through the roof, to say the least. Im back on sleeping pills and I cant keep my.food down. Im.constantly sick to my.stomach from the anxiety.this causes me. He knows.it, but I guess hes so wrapped up in his own problems to be able to acknowledg my pain. Im trying to keep to myself - I know hes upset and I dont want.to come.off as.selfish - but.im silently suffering so much! I just dont know what to do from.here. he refuses to talk to.me.. do I keep waiting? Do I leave? I love.him.so.much and just over a week ago things were so good... im so sad and svared.for."us" right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 How long have you been married and what was the "little" fight about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Going on four years this year. Next month, actually. We lived together for nearly 5 before getting married, and friends before that even... we have history together, for sure! As for our argument, my mother was in town and had asked how things were going for us. I was honest, told her things had been a little edgy, but he was having, what he explained to me, as job troubles and what not. Money is tight, I'm in school full time and working less than usual. He found out I had talked to her and flipped out. He was so sure I was "bad mouthing" him to the family, which was not the case. I explained to him what our conversation was about and he left the house. Came back later that night. Wouldn't discuss it with me any more. That was the end of it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Your mother has no place in the middle of your relationship. He feels that you threw him under the bus with your mom. Let him cool off and then explain your side. And then promise that you will keep your issues as husband/wife between you and not share them with mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 I agree. He SHOULD be my "go to" for our problems. He shuts me out, though. He is NOT a communicator.. We've had the follow up conversation and I told him I'd like to go to him but he gets so mad when I tell him how I feel about things sometimes... its impossible to talk to him... How long does it take to "cool down?" At this point, he has me feeling like ive commited a major infidelity... I just dont see it... let alone hes further reinforcing my inability to come to him to dicuss.our problems... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Try an apology! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Again...what was the "little" fight about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poetryandlyrics Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I don't see anything wrong with what you said, but perhaps he misunderstood or there is a bit more for him regarding that. Either way, let him cool down. Talk a walk yourself, it seems it might help you too. If he doesn't want to talk still, then wait till the next day. Don't accuse, use "I" beginning sentences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Since it started with the "little" tiff....maybe he does t consider it "little" And your hesitation to tell "is" about it leads me to believe that is the ignition point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winkie Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I do not agree with not telling your mother. These are problems u r having and honestly I believe there is something deeper going on. This fight u had may have just been an excuse. If he is depressed he may have to seek medical attention. What u need to do is worry about yoir well being and your health. .....u need ti take care of you and figure out what is best for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 He found out I had talked to her and flipped out. Are you saying he doesn't approve of your contact or visits with your mother? What does 'he found out' mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 he doesn't usually mind when I speak with my mom. He actually gets along with my parents very well. Lately though he's been very reserved. When I do try and talk to him about stuff he either shut down, respond with one word responses, or he yells at me. He's been very irritable. this was even before our fight. So when my mom was in town, obviously as mothers do, she noticed I was upset. She asked me how things were going and I told her. of course I didn't say anything bad. I just told her things have been a little tough. Financially and emotionally. I really don't know if I did anything wrong by telling her these things. Its my mother. If I can't talk to my mother, then what can I do? as for he found out, I mean I told him. I told him that I talk to my mom about some of our problems. That's when he really lost it. it seems like there were issues before, things that I didn't know about, things that I didn't have any part in that I knew up, it maybe come off worse than it really was... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 ...and for the record, I have apologized. Multiple times at this point. I've tried buying gifts and doing all the sweet things that I can to try and make up for it. But he still just so quiet. as silly as it sounds, last night he went out to pick up food. He didn't even want me going with him in the car. its like all of a sudden he can't stand to be around me. I guess I'm having a hard time understanding how somebody that loves you, someone that you're married too, can act so cold. And for so long. It seems like its been forever now. How long does something like this last? I mean it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I feel like theres gotta be something else that I just don't know about. I don't know why he won't talk to me. It doesn't seem like he's talking to anybody either. that can't be healthy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 What was the "silly" fight that started this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 everything was like usual up until he found out I spoke with my mom. That was the fight that started it. nothing bad was said to my mother. I would never dream of bad mouth and my husband. He has to be able to get along with my family and doing things like that is very manipulative, not like me. Apologies have been made. And things have just gotten worse since. he's never gotten to the point where he just refuses to speak with me at all. This is so totally new. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Got it.....he was grumpy and irritable for whatever reason, your mom asked "how's things", you told her "hubby cranky"...he found out and said "you threw me under the bus". And now has retreated further. How about asking him..."what will it take to bring the barrier down?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 he's fairly uninterested in conversation right now. I tried to get him to open up just a little last night. I told him he didn't really even need to talk to me, he just need to talk to somebody. The silent treatment thing is just awful. I feel like I'm back in middle school. I guess it looks like I just wait it out now. I'm just not sure how long I'm supposed to expect to wait for this to be over..? I'm waiting for him to come home and either tell me everything's okay or its over. Anxiety of waiting for it to end up one way or the other is agonizing. meanwhile, I'll sit in our little 900 square foot house in trying to ignore the massive gorilla in the room. Haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 He's being a big baby about the whole thing...and is loving the attentions that you are groveling. It was NOTHING that he should be upset about! He KNEW that he wasn't coming accross as a good guy/perfect husband/provider etc. (truth hurts) and he was embarrassed. But now he is milking it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 He didn't come home from work last night... sent me to voicemail when I tried to call him. Wouldn't respond to my text messages. Something inside of me just says "this is not okay." He's still married.. if he wants THAT kind of space, I feel like it's not fair to leave me sitting here on his back burner for when he wants to be with me again. Or leave. Whatever his plans are at this point.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 He didn't come home from work last night... sent me to voicemail when I tried to call him. Wouldn't respond to my text messages. Something inside of me just says "this is not okay." He's still married.. if he wants THAT kind of space, I feel like it's not fair to leave me sitting here on his back burner for when he wants to be with me again. Or leave. Whatever his plans are at this point.. I understand, and I wouldn't sit on this--the advice I'd be seeking right now is legal advice from an attorney. That's not intended to sound as aggressive as it does, but since he won't tell you what's going on, I'd want to learn the steps I need to take to protect myself and what my rights and options are. For instance, in some states, filing for a legal separation can protect you from any further debt a spouse incurs. You mention money trouble, so I'd be on this--fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Doesn't sound good....and him sleeping on the couch, for what??? 10 days? I can see the couch for one night during a fight, but then you make up! He had been irritable with you AND the PETS before this. Something else is going on...... He is using this 'tiff' as putting the blame on you.....where in reality there is something bigger going on. And until he lets you in on his 'secret' life and mind....it's anyone's guess. Could be another woman. Could be depression. Could be he just doesn't want to be married. Says he needs space? Not good....Sorry sweetie. You didn't do anything wrong in talking to your mom. Everyone does. (If they have a close relationship, that is...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 THings are just getting so much worse for us.. On friday he stayed out - refused my calls, sent me to voicemail, wouldnt text me - he didnt tell me where he was or ANYTHING.. Zero contact, all day. Saturday morning, I made him sit with me and have a "save our marriage" sort of conversation with him. I told him the way he was acting wasn't fair and was hurting our relationship. I told him I respect his need for space but, as a married man, I require at least some form of contact, respect, decency. He gave me a big hug and we spent a lot of the day together watching a movie (the weather was bad). At about 6pm, we had a friend's wedding party we were supposed to attend. He decided he didn't feel like going and I went instead - they're great friends of ours and we had a present to bring them. I didn't want to force him to do anything, especially if he is fighting with depression, and I felt it would be okay to go by for an hour or so and let him rest. I come home - he's gone. I try calling him - he refuses my calls again. NOTHING. Holy crap - our conversation was all for nothing?! I could see on our bank account that he made a large withdrawl and was doing who knows what, who knows where.. I just can't imagine that this is ok? He finally came home at about 4am - he stank like beer and cigarettes. I was very upset and I woke up when he got in. I probably should have left it at that time, but I was frantic. I asked him where he was and what he thought he was doing. I've never been controlling about where he is, who he is with, what he's doing - all I've ever expected was a courtesy "Hey, gonna be out with the boys tonight" and everything is OK. This is like a different person in front of me! I asked him "Do you even still want to be married?!" and he said "No.." He laid on the couch, and went to bed. I've been at work all day - I work in healthcare and we run 12 hour shifts. This shift has been AGONIZING to me. I still haven't heard anything from him. I hate to think I might have reacted poorly, but how many times can I extend the olive branch to him and have it taken from my hand and thrown to the ground? We've been together for nearly 10 years.. Our anniverssary is in a month.. I just can't figure out what I can do to fix anything anymore. I'm just so wounded and he's so withdrawn and not even making an effort to keep things together. His mom sent me an e-mail today and told me that he told her that I "was a wonderful woman but his feelings have changed." Is this even possible? How does a man NOT love a woman who is wonderful? I'm so confused... So hurt.. SO UPSET. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 On another thought.. I know a lot of his guy friends are working through relationship troubles. I have heard about these sort of things being "contagious" to some degree... He's been spending a lot of time with one of his single guy friends - one that really likes to party HARD... 6 months ago we were talking about kids - he really wants a family - and looking at houses together. We had plans to start once I got out of school and we got our finances stable.... This just feels so left field. And the fact that he wants to put ZERO effort into trying to fix it. Who just trashes their marriage like that? Good lord... UGH.. I feel like I'm going to explode! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poetryandlyrics Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I do think that either there has been some sort of a problem with you talking to your mother (maybe via certain subjects your husband is private about) or... There's just other issues, and he's using that fight as a springboard. I wouldn't like to take his passive aggressive approach either. Taking out a large sum of money without informing you (I assume that's the proper marriage communication for you two with shared bank accounts. I don't know for sure since I don't plan on getting a shared account), not letting you know where he's at, being all silent for ten days! (I understand if it was one day but anything more seems excessive). He's even using his own mother to tell you his feelings. I think the truth is perhaps... He lost his feelings for you. I don't know why, if there's anything in the relationship that affected him to this point, but that's his job to talk to you about it and your job to listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beftgoesleft Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 I think, in marriage, falling out of love is a cop out.. Don't you? It's only natural for the type of love felt in a relationship to change as time goes on.. I've actually found that I rather like the mature, grown-up, marriage-sort of love as compared to the infatuation of a new relationship. I almost feel that there's got to be something that let's someone "fall out of love" - whether it's just a general lack of attention to the relationship, allowing another love interest, allowing oneself to take things for granted... I feel like it could have been any one of those things. I hate to think that things are over... I really despise dating and have been so comfortable and thrilled being a married woman. It really has been the best thing in my life. I want to brag about it! It's so valuable to me.. I just wish there was more that I can do... I feel so out of options. I can't handle this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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