divz21 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hey Everyone, I recently got engaged and I dont know why but it has really turned my life upside down, I love my fiance alot and I have no doubts I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I am not happy, I feel stressed agitated and angry most of the time. There are a couple of reasons why: 1. I am still doing my ACCA exams ( Professional Accountancy exams) only half way through so I still have a couple years of study left. It is pretty tough because I work full time and I go evening or weekend college so basically thats 9 months of the year studying. 2. I have no time to plan for a wedding right now.. and the solution is a wedding planner so that isnt too bad but still I have to do research etc decide venues numbers and so forth I dont know where I should be making the time for this... 3. I still want to travel the world solo travels mainly.. Yes I know you can travel with your significant other but in that sense we are quite different im more of a traveller/ explorer and I love sight seeing. my fiance loves to relax and sit on a beach all the time. I guess this could be solved by compromise but this lends into the money factor of settling down too. see point 4 4. Buying a house/flat together another added fact takes time and have to do viewing etc I know all part of growing up... lack of disposible income for travelling and lack of time for exam study which pretty much preoccupies most of my time. I am so tired from work and studying in evenings is already draining. 5. With all that- wifely duties cleaning and cooking and making time for him...I know I will feel guilty for not being able to do everything he needs me to do- he has said he would help out etc which is fine but still it should be equal but I wont have time with exams etc working late.. I would prefer to get married in 2016 when i am more settled in what i am doing, but he wants to get married in 2015 i do respect it is a year away but taking into account the above points what am I going to do. his arguments are: 1. we cant wait for you to finish suppose you dont pass exams then it will be waiting for no reason are we going to wait another couple years 2. Age factor in 2 years will be 30 years old.. which delays having children and also getting on the property ladder 3. house duties- I will help you i will cook for you when you have exams and college etc My head is going round and round in circles, HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS ALL? i feel so under pressure to finish my exams on time that I feel like im loosing myself constantly thinking of solutions what to do He says hes ready to settle and happy he wants to marry me, hes chosen me to marry but why arent i happy why do I feel this constant bearing on my shoulders i feel like it's all in my head sometimes but I want to scream I dont think I can do it all.. i am human not a machine.. Please any thoughts on what i should do because right now I feel like everything is crumbling before me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Nothing says you need a big wedding. Elope to the court house then plan a big renewal of vows in 2016 with the dress, cake, party etc.! And tell him your plate is full so some of the other things can wait until 2016 too (house, house duties etc.). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I would get married in the time frame your fiance wants to and have a wedding reception and look into buying a home in 2016 (i.e. a party to celebrate the previous wedding I mean). I am sorry you're so stressed about this but it sounds like what's stressing you are details that are really not necessary in order to be ready to take marriage vows. As far as the travel, do some solo travel this year and talk about perhaps taking one separate vacation a year (of a week or less). Edited to add -looks like Lavender and I are on the same wavelength! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi guys, Thank you for your input That's the thing I cant get a house/flat later after marriage, I still live at home with my parents because of our indian culture thats how it works you go from parents house to your own or in-laws we cant live with his parents anyway theres no space for us so we have to get our own place regardless and it needs to be done before we get married. The wedding has to be small because I cant cope with a week of full blown indian wedding stuff its just too much for me to handle. We have to have an indian ceremony, parents will be very upset if we just eloped even though both of us would love too. Batya- good suggestion I will take that on board to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 3. I still want to travel the world solo travels mainly.. Yes I know you can travel with your significant other but in that sense we are quite different im more of a traveller/ explorer and I love sight seeing. my fiance loves to relax and sit on a beach all the time. I guess this could be solved by compromise but this lends into the money factor of settling down too. see point 4 Do you really, truly want to travel by yourself with no one else? Would you be amicable to be married but go on a sisters trip with your sister or with a friend every year without your guy? Would that be okay? A couple can sightsee and relax if they go together to things they both want to do and then the more adventurous one takes off and does other things while the other is by the pool. Who says that you can't get married, go on a fabulous honeymoon, continue your schooling and buy a house when you are done with your schooling? Travel after wedding and before home purchase? Or who says you have to buy the most expensive house? Buy a starter home or better yet rent in the neighborhood you think you want. My folks didn't own a home until I was seven. That was when it was right for them. he has said he would help out etc which is fine but still it should be equal but I wont have time with exams etc working late.. he said he would help. Does he now? Let go of things being 50-50. If one person is busier, the other picks up the slack. You don't have to have it divided down the middle. let go of it and let him do things. If you dither about this - you can't marry him until you have a house, travelled the world, finish school and all this stuff he will think you just don't want to marry HIM after awhile, btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Why did you accept his proposal at this time if you knew about all of these issues you say you have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 thanks for your feedback, but honestly I cant live with my parents while i am married and studying, no point getting married then he wants to settle down with me buy a place and then we can move in & get married Travelling is a side issue which can be compromised and I guess the household chores, doesnt have to be an expensive house which it wont be as we cannot afford it. It's just me myself I wanted to be rid of stress of exams and studying etc I wanted to be settled in a good pay good job in my career I didnt want to get married or engaged just yet.. Its more my personal goals and plans.. I dont think i could cope with all of this hence why I am getting stressed...I dont understand why it cant wait.. but then again I understand why he is adamant to have it next year..it's a big change and I dont know if I am ready for such a big change right now...I am barely coping and looking after myself how am I going to look after him.. it's unfair on him isnt it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 when he proposed I was in shock, i love him alot I would never say no to him, my gut told me to agree because I do want to marry him i thought we could have a long engagement i didnt think it would be a problem honestly. When I told him first he agreed but having thought about it after and calculating time frames and ages he said it would be better in 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I find it strange that you didn't discuss the timing of marriage before getting engaged. I agree with him that a 2-year engagement for the reasons you have doesn't make much sense. If you're not ready for the changes that come with marriage then tell him that you're not ready to be engaged yet. I don't think it's fair to get the benefits of the pretty ring and the congratulations,etc if you're not ready to get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Also once you move in, get married, is the idea to have children shortly after those follow too? So you will have studied, finally get out of school, and if you get a job, you will be pregnant soon and not able to stay at the job very long anyways. Will you be a stay at home mother? Maybe all this isn't what you want - the way it has been tracked out for you. But if you say something, you have to go against 'culture'. If you could have things exactly on your personal terms, what would that look like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Batya- the whole engagement came as a shock to me we hadnt discussed anything on timing of getting married I thought we were on the same page... finish studies and ready for marriage as any one would hes finished his studies and is doing well in his career... Children-- distant thought right now.. I wouldnt want to be a stay home mum im more career and work minded so children is a way off from now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 You're story parallels mine too much and to be honest I wish I didn't get married. I had doubts before the marriage, including what about my career, I need to study for my exams, wedding is going to set me back. Long and behold, it did set me back, I lost my job due to pregnancy, and we are in the middle of a contentious divorce. Look deep down, your worries may be far more than just scheduling. Don't marry him until you want to be married to him or just let him go. With me it also became a situation of, oh we have been engaged so long, I owe to him to marry him. Immediately after marriage, it was such a rocky situation, constant arguments, and we didn't make it a little over a year married. Hugs, Rose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I am on the same boat with you. I am getting married in three months, am in grad school full-time, and will be starting a full-time job next week. My stress levels are also skyrocketing, so i am definitely in your corner: Once you get married, say goodbye to Option #3. I'm sorry, but that is one of the sacrifices you will have to make when you get married. I had to give up teaching overseas because my fiance could not follow me there. But honestly... I would prefer to do travelling and build an intimate bonding experience with my husband than go somewhere on my own. Option #4, unless you both have full-time jobs... don't worry about buying a house yet unless you both have stable jobs. Rent an apartment first until you have accumulated the money. I am doing this option after I get married too. Option #5.... um, what? "Wife duties?" No, chores such as cooking and cleaning are cooperative efforts. I made it clear to my fiance that there will be days I may not come home early because of work duties (I'm a teacher and we don't get off right when the dismissal bell rings when we got extra curricular duties, staff meetings, IEP meetings, etc.). And if you got school stuff, then it's temporary and understandable. EDIT: Nevermind, just saw that you are from a particular culture which explains it. If he has your back, don't fret about this. Schoolwork and passing is your top priority to supporting a family My rebuttal (and you can use them too): 1. "I need to pass these exams to have a stable job and provide for a family. Are you saying you don't mind taking over all the financial responsibilities?" I had a 3 year engagement... trust me, it can be done. What is the rush? 2. I am a few months away from turning 30 by the time I get married and I won't finish grad school until I am probably 31 years old. My best friend getting married two months after my wedding is 32. You can have kids safely up until 35. You got plenty of time there. 3. "Cool! However, I don't think it is wise to have children when I am still in school." So take a breath, chill, and focus on your school work now. Then worry about a date. You got time Ok... I agree Reasons 3-5 aren't, but the first two are critical concerns. Your first year of marriage will be tested and be one of the most challenging aspects fo your life. Honestly, you want to either be done with school or close to finishing before you marry. I ran into arguments with my fiance because of time management with intimacy, grad school, work, and other responsibilities. It's been very frustrating and a personal concern of mine as to what my first year of marriage will look like. I would never ever recommend a couple marrying if they were still in school based on my own experience. It is 10x stressful than what it's worth. The reason I'm not waiting any longer is because I have been dating my partner for 10 years, we know each other extremely well to stick with commitment, and we are overdue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbie20 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Maybe get married after college / your exams are done have a long engagement whats the rush ? That way you have time to plan a wedding you can travel during the honeymoon you both need to communicate and have a serious conversation about all this together about the wedding date / your future plans. I dont know why you are not happy only you know the answer to that maybe your just not ready to get married period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Batya- the whole engagement came as a shock to me we hadnt discussed anything on timing of getting married I thought we were on the same page... finish studies and ready for marriage as any one would hes finished his studies and is doing well in his career... Children-- distant thought right now.. I wouldnt want to be a stay home mum im more career and work minded so children is a way off from now... Then you need to tell him just that and that you accepted his proposal for the wrong reasons because even though you love him and want to marry him in the future you're not ready to set a wedding date and would prefer to postpone the engagement until you're ready to do that. You also have to discuss the timing of children with him and how you envision raising children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I'll be the odd one out here and go by the golden rule of: "If in doubt, DON'T". As long as you have so many doubts spinning around in your head, do not get married. Marriage is a huge responsibility and not to be taken lightly, so as long as there is any doubt, then cancel all wedding plans, for now. It is only a temporary set back. If there are any issues, no matter how small, always get it sorted out before launching into marriage. There is no set time line for marriage and no rush. If in doubt, DON'T. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a longer engagement and a smaller wedding. My husband and I were together a good long time before getting engaged and then we had a two year engagement to allow me time to finish school and for us to get more settled. The first year flew by and I had a lot of fun that second year actually planning the wedding. If your fiance loves you as much as he says, he’ll be okay with taking it a bit slower. This is a time to be enjoyed, not to be constantly stressed out over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I'll be the odd one out here and go by the golden rule of: "If in doubt, DON'T". As long as you have so many doubts spinning around in your head, do not get married. Marriage is a huge responsibility and not to be taken lightly, so as long as there is any doubt, then cancel all wedding plans, for now. It is only a temporary set back. If there are any issues, no matter how small, always get it sorted out before launching into marriage. There is no set time line for marriage and no rush. If in doubt, DON'T. I agree with this. From what you have written, it sure sounds like you and your fiance need some very good open honest heart to hearts about what each of you sees for the future. And the timeline on each of those things. You are talking about someone who you are considering for your partner in life. Why not set the stage for good communication and openness right now, and save tonnes of resentment and possible misunderstandings/assumptions. What is his timeline for children? How does he see the two of you raising them? What does he see as your 'wifely duties'? What will be his contribution to the home? What will be yours? Hone out all the details; don't take it for granted that you know what each other is thinking or feeling. If you are stressed now, it will be more difficult - not less - to talk about these things and deal with conflcts of interest while in the full swing of getting married, looking for a house, moving, living as the main one responsible for a home for the first time ever, and your school and everything else. Better to deal with it now, IMO. best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Ugh .. I still can't get over the idea that it's going to be mainly your duty to clean the house (and he'll help out). Ugh ugh ugh. I think you need to sit him down and talk about whether you are compatible. You can even discuss these questions together: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I'll be the odd one out here and go by the golden rule of: "If in doubt, DON'T". As long as you have so many doubts spinning around in your head, do not get married. Marriage is a huge responsibility and not to be taken lightly, so as long as there is any doubt, then cancel all wedding plans, for now. It is only a temporary set back. If there are any issues, no matter how small, always get it sorted out before launching into marriage. There is no set time line for marriage and no rush. If in doubt, DON'T. I thought I would be the only one. I think your guy is pushing you into a miserable life. I would have to say no, feeling the way you do. You are going to have lots of regrets and feel trapped into a miserable role you aren't cut out for. Let him make babies and a get a mortgage with some cookie cutter wife type if he can't give you a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Pretty much my thoughts. Your guy sounds like he's relatively openminded about helping out - so why not have some detailed discussions with him about how he sees the next several years falling into place - and put in your two cents about how YOU see yourself after marriage? I'm not saying "don't get married." I AM saying, don't get married with so many things unknown or unresolved. Discuss your thoughts about being a career wife, and not a traditional stay at home mom type. Talk openly about how many years you want to establish yourself before having children. Talk about the KIND of house, condo, or home you would like to own - including the work involved in each type. For example, if you're BOTH looking at staying in demanding careers for a while, some condos and co-ops take a LOT of the outside maintenance off your hands, and can be a stepping stone into a larger home later down the line. You need to slow down and look at what YOU see as suiting you as a couple, what HE sees as suiting you as a couple - and iron out any major differences. Sure, you're going to have some differences of opinion. That's normal and healthy, and where compromise comes in. But if he sees you in a cottage with a white picket fence, a golden retriever, and 2.5 kids in the next 5 years, and you see you guys as the young hip career couple for at least another five years - you have a lot to discuss. Diving in and resenting each other is definitely not a good option - so sit down and really talk. Consider going to a premarital counselor if you're having trouble getting started really opening up without worrying about hurting each other. It's that important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Thank you all so much for all your responses... Spoke to him and he truly believes I dont know how to handle all the stress on my plate.. a part of growing up that I have yet to endure it seems Do you ever think someone who crumbles under stress who becomes depressed is ready for all this? He told me im looking to the past and the future not living in the present.. am I really over thinking this about what will happen? There is some truth in what he is saying because I used to be able to handle the stress of exams but after failing a few times my confidence has plummeted I have enough time to finish exams prior but will I pass all to finish in time which is my main worry If I could get that out the way then I feel I would be ok to feel settled and be able to handle everything else.. travelling I guess there is a compromise there to be made that doesnt bother me as much as finishing exams. Couple of my friends doing same exams got married and only one of them is continuing besides failing the same exam over and over similar to me.. but because shes married do you really think it would make a difference My other friend had a baby within 6 months.. so wave goodbye to being a qualified accountant My friend who is doing it still post marriage- Financially she cant afford to pay for exams and courses.. with my new job if I pass probation I should have a training contract which would solve that issue for me.. He said it doesnt make a difference financially to him whether I finish or not he would be able to take care of me anyway.. he will get a bigger salary.. but why do I feel like "why should he have all the glory?" am I not worthy enough to able to help? I have always been career minded before anything.. is that why women nowadays wait to be stable on their own before commiting to a marriage and a family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
divz21 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 I feel like im the problem.. im the stress bomb the resentful which is nothing like me at all.. I just dont understand why I cant enjoy it.. why I cant be happy marrying my best friend and love of my life.. seriously whats wrong with me.. over exams.. I was a first class student in every way good grades in everything this is what my career path is.. my chosen field whats the point in having a degree if I cant get to my end goal... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I had no choice but to wait in the sense that I didn't meet the right person at the right time until I was in my late 30s. The positive of having a 15 year career behind me (and a first career that was a few years) was that I could opt to be a full time mom and not worry about the financial burden/still feel like I was contributing. I would stay far away from any generalities here -it will only confuse you more. Focus on what you want as an individual. How do you personally feel about being financially dependent on your husband to the extent he is describing? How do you feel about his critique of your concerns - that you need to "live in the present" (while apparently he doesn't -he is anxious to plan for the future)? It sounds like you see career prestige and status as important and as your "glory" -sounds like he doesn't see it that way. Who cares what others think about your view of career -it's yours, that's all that matters. I don't think he is the right person to advise you -is there a trusted friend who can be objective or would you be willing to talk to a religious person or secular counselor about your concerns? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoobunnie Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 You are going to have to really be upfront in a loving way - and stick to your guns. If one year can make a difference, I'd be firm, and let him know that you love him, and for you to come to the marriage with a light heart and head, he needs to be cool with waiting till 2016 to get married. Trust me - if he loves you, one extra year will go quick! 30 - pla-lease - that's still plenty of good making baby juice going around at that age!!! Don't let anyone try to sway you into thinking you're damaged goods, cuz you waited till you're 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, etc. years old to try having kids. One way to squash that, is for both of you to get your fertility checked, so you know if you can wait 5 years, or even 10 years, or get going as soon as you can. And in the next two years, plan two trips with your gals, and go away for your bachelorette party! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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