GMSR011392 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 So, my friend started dating this guy last summer. We're in college and have been friends ever since freshman year. When I found out she was dating this guy (her very first relationship), I was elated and happy for her. I've met the guy and I thought he was great. They seemed great together. However, ever since fall semester started, she has changed immensely. They are together every single day, from morning till late at night. I never see her by herself anymore on campus. I've tried inviting her out to places with me and some of our mutual friends, and she has declined every single time. I mean, I understand wanting to hang out with your significant other, as I'm also in a relationship going on 2.5 yrs, but every single day? This girl used to be so independent, and we used to have fun together. Now, I never see her anymore. The reason I think he's controlling is because I've heard that past girlfriends have left him for that very reason. My friend mentioned that he saw them together on campus, and he said hi to her. Afterwards, my friend heard the boyfriend criticizing her because she said hi back to a guy. Now, these two friends of mine have known each other for years and are great friends. He invited her to go on a study abroad trip with him for two weeks, and she said no, stating that she didn't think it was appropriate for her to go on a trip with a guy who was not her boyfriend. Further, all of our mutual friends have expressed to me that they never see her either, and she constantly turns down invitations to hang out with them for her boyfriend. I finally got the courage to confront her about the situation. I stated that I missed her a lot, and hinted that it isn't healthy to spend 24/7 with someone. She got really mad at me, stating I have no business telling her what to do with her relationship, and that her relationship is one of a kind. She said that if she didn't have to exclude her boyfriend on outings, she wasn't going to, and that she has changed as a person because this guy is her soulmate. She ended it with that if I didn't like her boyfriend, then she didn't believe we could hang out anymore. I can't believe she would just drop me as a friend, after 4 years, for someone she has only known less than a year. We haven't spoken since this confrontation a few weeks ago. I think she's right. She has changed, and I don't think for the better. This girl used to be so independent, and now, I feel like she's been turned into a clingy girlfriend that needs her boyfriend to survive everyday. I know it's really none of my business and that she doesn't really want to be friends anymore, but I am worried about her. Should I try to express my concerns again to her? Or should I just leave her alone and privately wish her the best? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbie20 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Some people neglect their friendships / relationships with others when they are dating someone this happens often actually.They devote all their time to the person they are dating.Maybe he is controlling maybe not its not something you would really know unless you were her some guys are the jealous / posessive type .Plus no offence but if I had a bf and he went to study abroad with some chick who he was " friends " with I wouldnt approve of that either thats not exactly appropriate when your with someone.Trips with guys when your dating are usually off limits I wouldnt use that as an example to show that she has an abusive or questionable bf thats a normal reaction . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Since this is her very first relationship, then there is no basis for comparison in terms of what she is normally like in relationships. He may be controlling or they might be both equally attached at the hip type people who found each other. Just because they are always together and she put her friendships on the back burner really doesn't mean much one way or the other. You already expressed your concerns and they were not welcome. So don't do it again. Instead, if you do want to preserve the friendship or care about her enough (in the event that she is in trouble) that you want her to have someone to turn to when she is ready, then let her cool off and apologize to her. Tell her that you were just feeling lonely or some such. Be the friend that she can turn to and ask for help if she ever needs it without judgment or criticism. Be very very careful with criticizing her bf, because until she wakes up and realizes it's a problem, she will defend him and any criticism will just push her more towards him and isolate her further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louisecar Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Nothing you have said suggests that she is in a possessive relationship.. like another person has said, sometimes when people get in to relationships they abandon their friends because they want to spend most of their time with their significant other. It's not nice for the friend, it's not healthy and it is not wise but I have witnessed so many do this and they were not in controlling relationships. All you can do is be there for your friend and when the infatuation period wears off she may come to her senses. It's hard to tell when she has never been in a relationship what kind of a person she is when she is in one. Give her some space but still continue to be there. Going on a trip with a male friend for two weeks is a long time and honestly I would not be content if my fella went away for that length of time with a female friend. Sure I would trust him but that is definitely not the norm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMSR011392 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 I realize now that the whole trip thing was a bad example. It's just, the whole yelling at her for just saying hi to another guy, and the fact that previous girlfriends have left him because of control issues. I've heard that from numerous people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 He invited her to go on a study abroad trip with him for two weeks, and she said no, stating that she didn't think it was appropriate for her to go on a trip with a guy who was not her boyfriend. I agree with her on this one. He sees it as a trip... A trip she can't bring her boyfriend along with her and she's going with someone of the opposite sex. Yes, that is a problem and even I would say the exact thing. I finally got the courage to confront her about the situation. I stated that I missed her a lot, and hinted that it isn't healthy to spend 24/7 with someone. She got really mad at me, stating I have no business telling her what to do with her relationship, and that her relationship is one of a kind. She said that if she didn't have to exclude her boyfriend on outings, she wasn't going to, and that she has changed as a person because this guy is her soulmate. She ended it with that if I didn't like her boyfriend, then she didn't believe we could hang out anymore. Yep... That was your bad. It isn't polite to invite friends out without their significant other (unless it's a girls night). And you had no right to butt in her relationship or tell her how she chooses to spend her time with her relationship. Let her figure it out and move on. I had a girlfriend in college who was the same way... I made the mistake of calling her clingy because she ALWAYS wanted to be with her boyfriend, and she got PISSED OFF at me. Let's just say... We are no longer on talking terms and it has been like that for the past several years... And yes, she married the guy too. I don't care really and have moved on. Based on my experience... Stay out of people's relationships. This is a good way to drive them away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayanokōji Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 When your friend is in love, anything you do which is against her bf will probably upset her. IMO just hang out with your other friends etc... If they end up getting married and live happily ever after then good for them, if not then she will need you during the break up hehe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendahke Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 You can count on her finding you and trying to be your friend once he decides that he doesn't want to be with her anymore. I can't stand these kinds of women--throw down their friends when a guy is in their lives and when their relationship ends, all of a sudden, they want you to pick right up as if nothing happened and they didn't drop you off at the mall. I'd just drop her for good and leave it at that. She will do it again. No sense in putting yourself through that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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