whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hi all, I've been dealing with a situation for the past month and a half or so, and I've finally had to join this forum because I just don't know what to do and I don't want to make a fool out of myself. There's a shy guy temp at my work - I mean deathly shy. As in, he barely spoke AT ALL initially, and if so, you could barely hear him. At first I was afraid he had social phobia (and maybe he does, who knows). But I persisted in getting to know him and did so rather successfully imo. I managed to get his number and have texted with him quite a bit. He's a lot more articulate by text - I mean we will text for HOURS. In our first conversation he told me it takes him a realllly long time to open up to people. So I figure I'm doing pretty well. In person he is a lot more shy but he shows a lot of typical attraction body language - preening, rubbing his face, leaning forward accross the desk, looking at me when I'm not looking, etc. Anyway, a little less than a week ago, I wound up telling him I was attracted to him and I asked him out. I'm a bit older than him and I knew that would present an issue because he still lives with his mom - fair enough. he brought this up but didn't decline. However, he said none of the current movies interested him (he hasn't even been to the movies in like 3 years). Personally, I think he was extremely nervous as well. We've had a cheeky conversation since then and he is flattered that I'm interested in him. We haven't seen each other since my little confession however - we're currently on a week break. I guess maybe I naively thought things would change now that he knows I like him... or I wished they would, because I feel so vulnerable now and I hate it! It isn't pleasant to go out on a limb like that, and have the other person continue to seemingly play it cool. I know it's only been a week, but still... this is new to me! Of the times we've texted, he has only initiated it once. I had also planned on not trying to make any plans with him again for a while, until he was more accustomed to the idea. But just now we were chatting, and he brought up an upcoming movie that he said looked interesting. The way the conversation progressed, and since I had previously asked him to see a movie, it sounded to me like he was setting it up so I would suggest that we see it. Not wanting to miss the opportunity, I found a light way to go about it - and he then said he wasn't sure he wanted to see it! Thank god this is all on text or I would swear I was going mad. He started off by saying that it looked "like a good movie" - and then he says that he's not sure he wants to see it, that "it's interesting" but he's "not entirely sure it would be good." Verbatim! TF!!!!! I felt SO stupid. My eyes only stopped stinging a few moments ago. Is this all par for the course with someone this shy? I'd like to keep trying but I also want to protect my heart. I really like him and I'd really gotten my hopes up because everything seemed to be going so well. I figure I'm not going to text him anymore this week and just see him at work next week. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 This is who he is and no, he is not going to change. Just because you told him that you like him or asked him out, doesn't mean that he'll ever start acting like a normal guy and take up the lead. You can pretty much count that he never ever will. Also, it's likely that he is not just shy, but also extremely insecure. When he told you this movie might be interesting and you jumped on it - he got scared. Not that you jumped on it but what if the movie is not interesting or you won't like it and then you will hold it against him and you won't be happy with him or think he is stupid for thinking that movie is interesting and so on. Extreme insecurity can really do a number on people in terms of how they perceive the world. They are constantly eaten up by fear of what if things go wrong and how it will affect them or what will other people think about it. It's really quite consuming and debilitating and unfortunately, no matter how many times you tell him that everything is cool, you won't affect anything and you won't fix or change him. Basically, don't feel bad - it's not you it's him. It really really is. Finally, be sure it's him you like with all his flaws and not just the challenge of getting close to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbie20 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well first off stop the texting call him you cant decipher what someone is feeling with a text message no matter how much you or him write.It is so much easier to get a better idea of how someone is feeling when you call them hear their voice and call tell if they are happy to hear from you , are smiling on the other end etc.... Being someone who is shy I dont think its because he is shy he just may not be interested or maybe he just wants to be friends try calling him though dont text him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you so much for your response DancingFool! I just want to clarify, I definitely don't expect this guy to become something he's not. I don't mind taking the lead, which is why I've done so. I guess I just wanted to make sure that HE doesn't mind, you know? We are taught so much that guys think that is desperate behavior, for the girl to initiate most of the time, and even though I know this guy is painfully shy and the rules are different, I still have my fears. So I'm not going insane then? You think that he was getting at setting up a date and then just freaked out? The way he totally brought it up out the blue, too - I was like omg this is it!! And then... it just imploded. I guess it's hard for me to really understand that level of self doubt. And he's so confident and articulate via text, it's hard to imagine that he's feeling so insecure about it all. Should I gently try again after a while? Is time and patience the key here? Thanks again so much for your reply, it was a huge help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well...I don't really know what's in your guy's head. It's just that your description of him reminds me of a guy friend of mine and that's the kind of stuff that goes on in his head when it comes to dating while I try to talk him off the proverbial ledge....lol..... So, since it doesn't sound like he is really much into movies, do you know what actually interests him? Something that would be hard for him to say no to? If you find out what it is, suggest it and if you still get a no thanks or some other excuse, then you can safely assume he is not so shy as just dodging out of a date with you while still trying to be friends because he likes you as a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well first off stop the texting call him you cant decipher what someone is feeling with a text message no matter how much you or him write.It is so much easier to get a better idea of how someone is feeling when you call them hear their voice and call tell if they are happy to hear from you , are smiling on the other end etc.... Being someone who is shy I dont think its because he is shy he just may not be interested or maybe he just wants to be friends try calling him though dont text him. TBH I don't know anyone who hangs around talking on the phone anymore. I opted to start texting him because he seemed so petrified in the beginning that I figured it was the easiest way to get him more used to me. And it did work. He looks completely petrified of people - everyone at work think there's something wrong with him. I am the only one at work he talks to and hangs out with... if that's not shyness then what is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well...I don't really know what's in your guy's head. It's just that your description of him reminds me of a guy friend of mine and that's the kind of stuff that goes on in his head when it comes to dating while I try to talk him off the proverbial ledge....lol..... So, since it doesn't sound like he is really much into movies, do you know what actually interests him? Something that would be hard for him to say no to? If you find out what it is, suggest it and if you still get a no thanks or some other excuse, then you can safely assume he is not so shy as just dodging out of a date with you while still trying to be friends because he likes you as a friend. I know he likes movies, he just doesn't go see them at the theater, apparently. That's what makes this all so difficult - he doesn't really ever go out, period. He actually said that himself. I know he's only had one very short relationship - which oddly ended at about the exact same time I started talking to him - and I guess they must never have gone to the movies either. What can you suggest to do with someone who rarely leaves their house? Oh, and another thing. There have been quite a few times now that I hand him something and our hands touch. Like he'll literally put his hands where he knows mine are, like if I hand him a box. I find that brazen for someone who acts so shy yet could that really be unintentional? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbie20 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 If a guy is interested in you he will call you texting is something you do when your into someone but dont wanna talk to them on the phone because its easier through text but once you get into those habits its hard to break.I talk on the phone with guy friends for like 2 hours straight lol they wont text me even if I text them they call me because they say they wanna hear my voice it shows more of an interest it doesnt take much effort to text someone its too casual and impersonal thats why you have soo many mixed messages because you didnt talk to him.I'am a shy person if I like someone I make it known regardless it doesnt matter being shy doesnt stop you from dating, going out or having friends its not a handicapand everyones nervous when they are on a date / talking to someone they like its normal behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well I also like texting him because then he's really talkative - in person it's a totally different matter. Even though we text so much, in person he's a lot more quiet. He is beyond shy - I'm shy myself, I know what it's like to be typical shy. This guy, I've never seen that degree of...whatever it should be called. People at work have made messed up comments about him because of it which angers me to no end. I guess I couldn't have expected this to be simple... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Does it occur to you that maybe he has serious psychological issues and is not bf/relationship material? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Does it occur to you that maybe he has serious psychological issues and is not bf/relationship material? Well, I've never gotten a bad feeling from him, at least. Has something I've written seem to indicate he might? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayanokōji Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Where do I go to meet more girls like you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayanokōji Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 On a more serious note, with that guy there you will obviously need to play the dominant role in the relationship, if you are happy with that then keep chasing, if not then end it now. But props to you for going after what you want and not waiting for everything to fall from the sky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well, I've never gotten a bad feeling from him, at least. Has something I've written seem to indicate he might? Psychological issues doesn't mean that it makes him a bad person. What I'm getting is that he may have severe social anxieties and phobias that prevent him from functioning and going out into the public or crowded places, living on his own, holding down long term work, etc. What you are describing comes accross as way beyond just shy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbie20 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 It is probably going to be more ackward / uncomfortable for him / you if you never talk on the phone thats how you get to know someone better.I would call him and see what happens its not like the texting is getting you anywhere anyways with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 On a more serious note, with that guy there you will obviously need to play the dominant role in the relationship, if you are happy with that then keep chasing, if not then end it now. But props to you for going after what you want and not waiting for everything to fall from the sky. Thanks I don't mind being in the dominant role. I just didn't want to go OTT... I feel like I'm being careful with that, but maybe I shouldn't lol? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 Psychological issues doesn't mean that it makes him a bad person. What I'm getting is that he may have severe social anxieties and phobias that prevent him from functioning and going out into the public or crowded places, living on his own, holding down long term work, etc. What you are describing comes accross as way beyond just shy. I suppose I'll find out in due time. He warmed up to me pretty well over these weeks but I don't know enough yet to deduce if he's just the kind of person content not really socializing, or if he truly dreads it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whattodo1978 Posted March 28, 2014 Author Share Posted March 28, 2014 It is probably going to be more ackward / uncomfortable for him / you if you never talk on the phone thats how you get to know someone better.I would call him and see what happens its not like the texting is getting you anywhere anyways with this guy. Oh but it has... it's slow going, but how he is with me now compared to how he was when I first tried talking with him, is worlds of difference! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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