I am so lost and don't know what to do anymore

[FlareHeart]

So first some background:

 

My husband and I have been quite open in the past with one another. We've always tried to talk our problems out and deal with them as partners. He has major MAJOR self-esteem issues and gets very self-conscious at the slightest little thing that might be even remotely derogatory. He has come home from nights out with friends where people said something about his attitude while drunk and it upset him VERY badly to the point it ruined his whole night. It feels like he is ALWAYS coming to me for support, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But lately it seems, more and more like if I have a problem and try to go to him for support that he finds a way to turn around my issue and blame it on himself, thus feeding his self-esteem issues, and turning a moment that I needed help into a moment I need to reassure him. We've become very distant in the bedroom as well due to his self-esteem problems. He hardly touches me, and when he does, he's so afraid of doing something wrong that he can't enjoy it. The lack of confidence, the constant need for reassurance, it's driven me away. I still love him, but it's getting so hard for me to support both him and myself when I don't really feel like I can voice my issues anymore since he twists them around on me and makes me feel like I need to then reassure him, pushing my issue to the side for me to deal with privately for fear of him twisting things around and making it seem like its his fault for whatever my issue is. I don't want to reassure him when I am the one needing help.

 

Now to the reason I'm in the infidelity section:

 

So the distance between my husband and I has grown wider than I care to admit, and it pains me to say it, but I don't look forward to going home to him anymore. I still care for him, and don't want to hurt him, but it's getting to the point where I am starting to develop feelings for other people. I'm really trying to keep things under control and not cheat on him, but it's getting very difficult for me to not seek a less "needy" relationship. I want someone I can feel like I can tell my problems to and not have to worry about them turning them around on me...and I've started talking to a friend from an online game I play, but it's getting to the point I feel like I'm cheating on my husband and I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I want to make my husband's self-esteem issues go away...but I can't. I've been trying for years to reassure him, but he still hates himself. He hates his body, he hates that he's seen as "different," and he's even voiced that he would give up anything to not be himself anymore, and when I've asked "even me?" he mumbles something about "probably finding me anyway" but it doesn't seem like he means it. It pains me to think that he hates his life that much that he would consider giving me up...I've taken to talking to online friends for help since I can't go to my husband anymore or he'll just blame himself and feed his self-esteem problems further and I've developed feelings for one of them...it's tearing me apart that no matter what decision I make I'm going to hurt someone. If I divorce my husband, he'll blame himself and it would only make his self-esteem worse, but at the same time, continuing on the path I am now, I am cheating on him emotionally and it would do the same thing if he were to find out about it, and if I stop the communications with my online friend, I won't be able to handle the relationship alone since I seem to be the "pillar" in it, and I don't feel like I have enough strength to support us both anymore with no one for me to turn to for my own support.

 

I am so lost and torn, and I feel guilty as hell for going to someone else to fulfill the gaps in my current relationship.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know if marriage counselling is enough due to his own major self-esteem issues. Nothing I say or do every makes him feel any better about himself and if I try to tell him how his constant beating up on himself hurts me in return, he just beats up on himself some more for doing something to hurt me...argh! It's a never ending cycle! How do I break out of this?!

 

I can't see any way out...no matter what I do, I'm hurting someone or condemning myself.

 

Help!

[mhowe]

Get into marriage counseling and hopefully that will segue into him getting into personal therapy.

You are not a professional and he manipulates your asking for support into his issues.

A professional will call him out on this.

 

If he doesn't agree....then AFTER he balks, tell him you would like a trial separation because you cannot continue to live like this. Do not pose it as an ultimatum. Allow him to accept or reject the suggestion on its own merit.

 

If you are contemplating cheating you owe it to both of you to try counseling.

If you are prepared to cheat...you should be prepared to walk.

[FlareHeart]

Thank you. That's what I was hoping...it just seems like his issues are so strong...I'm just afraid they are too ingrained at this point, and I don't know how much can be changed...I'll try to talk to him and see what we can do.

 

 

[lavenderdove]

Someone with this level of self esteem issues must get personal counseling. It has an almost OCD/obsessive quality to it, so he could also have a biochemical imbalance/depression that might need medication.

 

What you do as his wife is insist he go to the doctor for a checkup and also get evaluated for depression, and that you also both attend marriage counseling for a while, and personal counseling for him as well until he gets a grip on the negativity.

 

But you do need to stop the relationship with the other man entirely and really devote yourself to counseling, or else make the decision that you don't intend to try to work it and bite the bullet and file for divorce.

 

I agree with mhowe that you need to tell him that the counseling is mandatory, and if he won't agree to it, that you will file for divorce. But make sure that you don't say that unless you intend to actually try in marriage counseling (and give up this other man while you do). You can rely on the counselor for emotional support rather than some man with ulterior motives to get you into bed. But if you already know it has gone too far and you won't really work on the marriage in counseling, then don't jerk your husband around and offer him the false carrot that you'll work on it with a counselor when you don't really intend to.

[FlareHeart]

If he agrees to try, and goes to counselling...I will work on it as genuinely as I said my vows on my wedding day. I want to see him get better. I really do.

 

I've already told the online friend to stop. We're going to cease completely. I will talk to my husband tonight.