guerrero32 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Hi everyone, this one is about parents that did terrible things to children either verbal abuse or physical. This is what Im struggling with at the moment. Ive been growing stronger and stronger and letting go of a lot, yet this has just come up and its time for me to address it. How to develop a sense of self in respect to my parents. How to "love them", if I can, or just, how to communicate with them. Thats it. How do I communicate and how should I feel or communicate with people who hurt me so much and just dont get it? They just dont understand that what they did was completely and utterly wrong. I feel as if because they are my parents I have to stick around and be a good son etc but another part of me, my heart, tells me that these people are toxic, have compassion for them, they had a ty upbringing and so are completely numb to the fact that they hurt you. So I have found it in me to learn how to be compassionate and understanding. But what Im struggling with is again the following. So thats what I want to know....How do I relate or communicate with people who are my parents, yet hurt me so much...Am i supposed to love them? Can I love them? How can I find love for them? Should I find love for them? Should I forgive them? How to I interact with someone like this? Theyre my parents, but how am I supposed to interact with someone who was so important in my life, gave me life, but hurt me so ing much? Some of this might be a bit choppy, I just took it from my journaling and sort of copy pasted. I'd like to have advice from people who overcame this, and what tips and advice do you have? I know that I will find the solution and find an answer that will give me peace of heart, I hope that one of you can provide me with some insight, perspective, and experience. What I want is to find a way to have peace of heart, to be able to find MY way, a harmonious way to communicate with them, with a strong sense of self, without having to feel torn. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences with me. It is much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guerrero32 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 by the way, for anybody looking for a good read that helped me a lot, is a book called: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It is a must read. Even the chapters that don't have anything to do with your past experiences provide fantastic insight. I hope that some of you will be enticed to read it, and that it help make you a stronger version of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 We all reach a tipping of the scales when we become more of a reasonable adult than the people who raised us. In some cases people don't need to deal with this shift until they're middle-aged and their parents are elderly, but in cases where the parents are damaged, mentally ill, physically ill or just so culturally provincial and ignorant the child comes to outgrow their mentality early, the shift is much more extreme--less gradual. You mentioned you hold compassion for them--so just operate from that. You don't need to respond to them as a child any longer, so deal with them as two people you feel responsible to care 'about' until the day comes when you must decide whether to care 'for' them--meaning take them in as dependants, or assign care for them. You don't mention what they've done that has harmed you, and that's your key issue to work out, so why not address that either here, with a therapist or counselor or clergy? You're allowed to decide how much or how often to interact with your parents. This is why working out your issue of harm from them is important, because your behavior toward them in your adult years while you're the one holding that power will impact how you feel about your own values and morality. That's a private thing, and nobody else can tell you where to stand on it. Parents die eventually, and we don't get a chance to correct our behavior toward them once that happens. So operate as someone you can look back and be proud of, regardless of whether they appreciate you, or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guerrero32 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Thank you! I definitely appreciate the answer. What they have done for me is a private matter, but I have come to see in the past few days that I hold power I never had before, and so I have come to realize that there is no more need to act out like a child, but instead to communicate effectively my power, and use that power in a strong, and healthy way. I have communicated with them much better and much more clearly and boldly, and I have seen their change towards me, they have realized that I hold personal power and will not be pushed around or manipulated any longer. Thank you again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Whether you hold "personal power" or blackmail...what they are seeing is you standing up for yourself. It is called... maturity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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