polly1122333 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I meet a guy from a group just after xmas last year, like a hobby group, we meet up on Sunday morning every week.we added each other on fb not long after we met, and we have been chatting everyday, early February he told me he's in limbo from a relationship, and he told me she cheated on him and they broke up round about the time we met. at the moment we are just friends, nothing happened, we have been flirting a bit, but also I found out we share quite a few interests, our conversations over fb are always meaningful, not those "nothing" txt, and I feel we could take things further, but since he told me he just broke up with his girl friend not so long ago, I'm hesitant .... so anyway, last sunday we had a big event for this hobby group and we went together, he stayed at mine the night before as we had to leave early yesterday morning, we chatted, watched tv together, we were sitting close together, that night he slept in the spare bedroom, and I slept at my room, and he already asked if it was ok to stay at mine after the event, since he have to go to work at 6am the next morning (he lives about 3 hours away) and I agreed. we had a great time at the event, and we spent the whole day together, when we got home last night, he looked at me seriously and said he really like me, but wanted to be clear that he is not completely out the of ex situation, and hope I understand, I told him I understand and appreciate him being honest, and I told him I like him too but at the same time very scared of getting hurt, after that he kissed me on my forehead, we looked at each other for .... god feel like forever, and we kissed.... and had sex... about an hour later, his father called, and said his brother is having health issues (he has long term health problems) and needed him to be home, and he tried talking to his brother and told him he didn't want to get back can he manage without him so on.... about 2 phone calls later, I told him if he need to go home I understand, and he said he's sorry, he feel really bad... anyway he left... Monday he txt and said he feel bad about having to go last night and I told him I understand and if he had stayed he would feel bad not being there for his brother, and I didn't want to be selfish. and then he said he's that issue, he think I need to be a little bit selfish in regards to my needs. and he said he appreciate my understanding as he hope he appreciate and understand my position and such that he feel inequality prepared or positioned to get involved, he said the fact that he choose to go last night while I was vulnerable told him that he's not ready. he said he doesn't want to make excuses but as bad as it feels now, it would potentially be worse in a few months time..... I told him I'm disappointed that he knew he didn't want anything further and still kissed me anyway... he said he's sorry, but that he can't offer more than friendship. He said would like to have a chat face to face, and he still would like to be friend but understand if I don't want that.... should I meet up with him and chat? should I stay friends with him? if he didn't kissed me that night, things would be so much simpler, I did enjoy our friendship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 You agreed to have sex with him knowing that the ex situation isn't resolved. I think he played you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly1122333 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Should I meet him for that chat? we spent 3 months to get to know each, and he know I take relationships seriously, I did not expect him to kissed me until he was ready, I thought we have similar perspective for life and relationships, for him to kisse me and told me he really like me, I thought he was ready to start something new.... since we share the same group / social circle, is it important that we stay friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissMay Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I mean… the nice thing is he is being honest with you. He clearly told you he's still dealing with issues with his ex. She clearly hurt him. He probably really does like you, its just that he might be confused about his feelings because A) his heart is probably not ready for anything just out of a relationship and B) he might be just having rebound feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 He had sex with you and then said "oops...my bad. Let's be friends". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I thought he was ready to start something new.... After making it crystal clear that "he's not completely out of the ex situation," you made the choice to sleep with him, despite telling him you understood, and appreciated his honesty. That said, he didn't mislead you, nor should he be considered the bad guy. Although this makes for an awkward situation, it looks as if it's too late to turn the clock back, and attempt a friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggles Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 You agreed to have sex with him knowing that the ex situation isn't resolved. I think he played you. ^^ This. However, I don't think he played you, OP. He was upfront about being emotionally unavailable and unready for a new relationship. You decided to be continue the "friendship" with romantic intent -- hoping in time he would be ready for a relationship. He told you right before you hooked up that he wasn't clear of his ex situation, yet you interpreted the kiss as a sign he was ready. I'm sorry, but that's on you. When in doubt, ask. If he lies, that makes him a jerk and wrong. You didn't get clarification on where he stood before sleeping with him. It's awkward to pause in the middle of things and feels scary to have that conversation, but there is value in doing so. Because when you don't, both parties make up their minds after the deed. If the guy decides to purse the relationship, then great! All smiles. But, as it happened here, the guy declines to pursue a relationship suddenly you feel mislead and used. Bottom line, while the relationship status was undefined you had sex. Afterwards he re-evaluated and told you he doesn't feel he's ready. Now you're mad at him for kissing you because you interpreted it as something more. In the moment, the kiss was acting on attraction. Why did he do it? Because in the moment it felt good and you were a willing participant. In the light of day, he realized he jumped the gun on the physical escalation because he's still not over his Ex. I don't see this guy as a jerk. He was honest and clear about where he stood. So many guys would internally freak out and just disappear instead of telling the girl anything. I realize this is disappointing for you, OP, but you would do well to learn from this. If would advise you distance yourself from him and keep a casual friendship if you can. No hanging out one on one. No sleepovers. Give it time. Who knows, in a few months things may work out better. But either way, practice outcome independence. Let go of hurt feelings towards him. The situation did not work out the way you hope right now, but the future is wide open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly1122333 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 thanks Iggles, I agree that I am responsible too, I misunderstood when he said he's not completely out of the ex situation as he need time to sort it out, and I took the kiss as he was ready to start something with me. so yes you are right that I am to blamed as well. I'm more disappointed than angry, I do appreciate his honesty rather than keep going and few months later tell me he's not ready. I think I am going to meet him later in the week to have the chat, the best out come would be we could remain as friends, since we share the same group / social circle, I don't want to feel uncomfortable to go to group meetings etc any more advice for me before I go to have this chat? I'm so nervous, I do value our friendship, I think he is a good person. I'm trying very hard to handle this situation well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Have you even asked him exactly what he means by "ex situation"? Because that mean everything from "I'm still in love with her" to "we aren't broken up and she's living at my house and would kill us both if she found out, because heh, she doesn't know she's my ex yet. Ooops." I think it's always a bad idea to start imagining things are going toward a relationship instead of just getting straight facts and asking for full information. You slept with him, he waited until after the fact to say "Oh, sorry" there's nothing left to discuss really. You both aren't on the same page and unless he's giving you specifics he's being awfully vague about what it is exactly that's going on between him the ex. Also make very sure if you do decide to meet up for a chat after all that it's in a public place and it doesn't become another "Oops, didn't mean to sleep with you again, but gosh darn just can't help it. You're still not my girlfriend though, just to make things clear..." I've seen and had that one pulled too many times to really trust the whole "Let's talk" after you end up sleeping with someone who then tells you they don't want a relationship, but don't just do the decent thing and let you leave. The guy knows and knew all along you had feelings for him and it seems that to some degree he was more than happy to allow those feelings of yours result in a booty call that he knew all along wasn't going to turn into something more. But you didn't. A really decent guy would've kept his distance to begin with and not wanted to get involved with you knowing you were developing feelings for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 He mentioned an involvement with his ex to cover himself in case he got away with trying for sex. He could do exactly what he did--say, "oops, well, I warned you..." while he never should have gone sexual with you in the first place. That was really-really manipulative. It attempts to put all responsibility on your shoulders while he plays the poor conflicted good guy. Skip that, and skip him. Be civil to him at your hobby as you avoid him, but don't text or meet for another word. Respect yourself and move your focus beyond him--don't to play some patiently waiting fool. You're better than that--head high, and walk forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly1122333 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 I misjudge…. His character, in our conversations in the pass few months he came accross responsible and mature, I just assumed if he kiss me it would really mean something, even after we had sex, he said he works a lot (we did talk about it in the last few months) and that hope I don’t mind cos in previous relationships, his ex gets up sad about the long hours he work… To me that is not something you say if you just after sex and nothing more after? Or I’m just being naive…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Or I’m just being naive…. This. He keeps planting roadblocks that you misinterpret as encouragement--somehow. The guy wants the sex with no attachment. You keep ignoring all the red flags from the very first--he's freshly out of a breakup and is not relationship material. You've pushed past that major dealbreaker, and despite the fallout resulting predictably, you keep trying to blind yourself. Nobody here can stop you from doing that--it's up to you to open your own eyes and respect your Self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 He's not ready for a relationship right now. He may be someone who's never really relationship material - who knows?- but the relevant thing for you is that he's not available to you. The only thing you can do now is damage limitation. Don't bother having a 'talk' or discussion about where you stand. Continue with your hobby group, be polite and distant with him, and put this whole business behind you. Don't try to be friends with him for now. At the moment you are clutching at straws and being the super-tolerant girl in the hope that he'll come round. Even if he does, you will be used until he decides he wants a relationship with someone with a bit more self respect - and then you'll be dumped. There's a very useful article here; it also has links to related ones: link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly1122333 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 This. He keeps planting roadblocks that you misinterpret as encouragement--somehow. The guy wants the sex with no attachment. You keep ignoring all the red flags from the very first--he's freshly out of a breakup and is not relationship material. You've pushed past that major dealbreaker, and despite the fallout resulting predictably, you keep trying to blind yourself. Nobody here can stop you from doing that--it's up to you to open your own eyes and respect your Self. I'm to blame to, I misinterpreted him, when he said he's not completely out of the ex situation I thought he just want me to give him time to sort it out, and I took the kiss as in he want to start something new with me. In my head I just assume that's what he meant, because in the past few months as I get to know him, he came accross responsible and that he take relationship seriously, so I didn't expect him to kiss me while he's not ready.... I misjudge his character I know relationship is out of the question, and what we did the other night did a lot of damage for our friendship, I just want to handle the situation well so it won't be awkward when we do see each other at group meet. I think I'm going to tell him what I just said, best to be honest right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Basically if you don't want it to be awkward you just tell him you don't want a friends with benefits anything. And then after that you smile and nod and avoid him and go be friends with other people. If he demands you stay friends and do things together--i.e. his place or yours--tell him you don't want to be friends. If he pushes the point tell him "We don't want the same things, I"m over it. Move on." And assumption is always a very bad habit on anything, with relationships doubly so. If a guy really wants you for a long-term relationship he'll tell you that and take no chances on you assuming he isn't interested in one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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