ef20081 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 There is a significant age gap between my boyfriend and I. The age difference has never mattered because we love each other very much and neither of us wanted to have kids (he already has 2 children in their twenties) We recently moved in together and plan to get married next year. Things have been going pretty well so far until the other day I found some old dusty pictures of him with his ex wife when they were first married and on their wedding day, and a picture of him holding their first child. Im not sure why I got as upset as I did but I could not quit crying. He looked so happy holding the baby and in all of those pictures. I wish that it had been me that he had been with in those pictures and now that I know how upset that made me I'm worried that staying with him is not the right decision. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to even love someone and he makes me so happy but I'm worried that some day I'm going to regret not having the family and the life that he has already experienced. I don't know what to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Ok, but you are getting married, right? He will be JUST as happy the day he marries YOU. You know that right? One's first marriage is not more precious because it was the first one. My mom has been married 3 times and she was gloriously happy ALL THREE times. Why? Well because they were different men and different relationships. Anyone who is mature does not compare relationships to one another.So he is not comparing you to his first wife. Two, you don't want kids, right? So why worry about that issue. Or is it that you are really undecided on that issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 What are both of your ages? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clio Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'm worried that some day I'm going to regret not having the family and the life that he has already experienced. IMO if you have changed your mind regarding wanting to have children then you need to let him know and renegotiate this with him before you get married. Your post is kind of unclear regarding what exactly made you upset. Is it not having children or worrying that you are not as important to him as his children/past family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I think its normal to have a tinge of jealously about a life he had outside of you. My husbands ex is nothing but drama and how she uses it to manipulate his kids and his own family. His own family excludes me entirely because we have no offspring together... I'm a useless old wheel to them. I've accepted it though at times it does get me down because I'm very family oriented and would have loved to have a close relationship with my in laws. I won't lie as there are serious moments in my life since marriage that I wonder how things would be if he had married me first and never knew his first wife. I wonder if his family would do the things for me that they still do on a daily basis for his ex wife. I think its normal. I think we all need to find a way to make peace and accept the things we cannot change. However, I'm concerned about your post in that perhaps in the back of your mind maybe you do want children and to have a family. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with having believed you didn't only to find out you did. But, this is a game changer with your future husband. He has the right to know your feelings and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to marry him and then resent him. Perhaps you two will work through it but perhaps it is a sign that maybe you need to move on. You are the only one who can answer that question. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ef20081 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 That's the problem I guess. I never wanted kids but now that I'm actually in love with someone and saw him with his kids its making me have second thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 You need to tell him. Because the chances of him wanting to have a 2nd family when his kids are in their 20's may not be high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ef20081 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 What are both of your ages? I'm 30 and he is 53 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ef20081 Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I guess what made me upset was seeing his life with his ex and kids and knowing that we could never have that and that I will have to make a choice between staying with him or having that type of family. It probably sounds silly but I wish I could've been there in her place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Is it that you are just jealous of her or that you actually want a family? That is the question you have to answer for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 >>It probably sounds silly but I wish I could've been there in her place. Well, that is never going to happen unless you learn how to bend time and space. Really, I hope you see how badly this wastes your time and energy to waste any time indulging thoughts like that. This is water under the dam and you can't erase his history or the fact that he's lived 23 years longer than you have. And if you really want children with him, you can have them if he is willing to do so. Please don't be silly. This kind of thinking can ruin a good relationship is you're crying over impossibilities and because you want to exterminate his past or any emotions he ever had about anybody else. Practice generosity of heart rather than the selfish desire to totally own another person's thoughts, feelings, and even history! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It's natural to get jealous of the relationship before you but, you almost need to look at the choices you are making as well, especially with the large age gap. Your boyfriend is getting into the "I get to be a grandpa soon" age and your in the "do I want to be a mother?" age... If you truly don't want to have children, well at least you get to experience babies but as being the "step-nana" instead of the mom. You never know, you could enjoy that more. If you don't think that is enough, you need to discuss that with him -- even tho Im pretty sure at 53, he isnt going to want to raise a infant all over again when his children are grown up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amipushy Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 If you want children in the future it is extremely important to tell him before you both make a life long commitment to each other. Dont hide your feelings from him, he needs to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 ^^ It's not sounding to me like she really wants children, it's sounding like she really didn't want him to have children with anyone else because that makes her jealous. It is a waste of time crying over spilt milk or children from a prior marriage. It is what it is, and if she really can't live with it, then she needs to break up and find a man who doesn't already have children. And if she doesn't want to break up, then she needs to realize that it is selfish to want to deny someone's past just because she didn't happen to be around at that time in his life. Heck, she probably hard barely even been born when he met his ex-wife and started having children, so really, this is self pitying selfishness and jealousy and not based on anything she can change or should even be wasting time thinking about. She needs to work on WHY she is upset that he was/is happy with his children. He SHOULD be happy with his children, and she should be glad he is happy. That is the mindset she needs to shift into rather than the current jealous/narcissistic attitude that he shouldn't really have existed or had any history at all until the day he met her. If you are marrying a much older man, then you need to make peace with the fact that he lived a whole other life before you were born, 23 full years, and lived a whole other 30 before they got together! So you can't change that, and you need to really ACCEPT that and also deal with the reality that in other 10 years you'll be married to a genuinely old Grandpa and senior citizen, in fact he'll be considered 'senior' at 55 which is in 3 years! That is the life she is choosing for herself, and if she's not happy wtih that idea that she'll spend her youth and middle years taking care of an old man who has lived most of his life before he met her, then she shouldn't be marrying him at all. If she's fine with that idea, then good, carry on, but there will be a LOT more she is thinking is unfair such as him aging and declining and most likely pre-deceasing her. So there's a lot more to come in terms of 'it is so unfair, he is getting old and decrepit and dying and I'm still young' coming down the pike if she doesn't learn to get a grip on this kind of negative thinking and learn to instead focus on the time they have together. She could instead have the attitude, 'I love him so much, i will celebrate every day I have with him and love his children and grandchildren as my family and not waste one minute worrying about the past or fearing the future.' That is the attitude she needs to take if she is going to marry a much older man, because there will be far worse challenges ahead than feeling sorry for herself that he has children from a prior marriage and had a wife that he once loved before her. You can't control the past or the future, so you need to learn to make peace and find joy in the present and what it offers you. It sounds like she hasn't really made peace with the fact that he IS an older man, almost a senior citizen, and that if she's lucky she'll have another 20 years with him, maybe more, maybe less depending on his health conditions and family history. but he WILL be old very soon, and she can't reclaim his youth with fantasies of wishing she had lived his youth with him. That to me is a sign that she may really resent his age soon, and is already resenting it because she feels his earlier years were 'stolen' from her by some other woman and their chlldren. You can't turn back the clock and he is shortly going to be an old man, so if she can't live with this and is going to be morose and self pitying, she is better to leave now and let him find a woman his own age who will stick with him and not blame him for being old and having lived his life fully before they met, and she needs to find a younger man who can go thru the young family life stages with her and be with her for 40+ years rather than 20 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 And in 20 years, he will be 70+ and you will be 50. He will be looking at health issues and Medicare, and you will be wondering why he wants an early dinner and bed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 1) Let him know your feelings. 2) Prepare for him telling you he does not want children. 3) Make a decision before it is too late on whether or not you want to spend the rest of his life together. You have unfinished business whether that unfinished business is with him or with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I would take the private time I need to figure out where I stand on being a mother. I would consider whether I'm jealous of the fairytale snapshot I was encultured to want for myself, or whether being an actual mother who gives birth, nurses a baby and devotes a large part of my life to raising a child into adulthood--along with everything that this would entail is actually something I'm awakening to consider for myself. Think of this independently of who, exactly, would father your child. The goal is not to complicate the core question, which is to lean whether you may have squelched and kept hidden from yourself a true inclination toward motherhood, or whether you're projecting a bit of picked-white-fence-fantasy onto your man's past and just feel wistful about that. Notice I'm NOT suggesting to go running to your man with your conflict. This is something you need to clarify for your Self, without input from him or anyone else. Once you discover your own true desires and the driver of your reaction, you can deal with the outcome in an appropriate way. But clarity needs to come first--and you can't get that if you make it about your relationship ~versus~ motherhood. Take that tradeoff from the table temporarily, and just focus on the motherhood question. Back burner it when it tires you, sleep on it for as many nights as it takes for clarity to arrive. Head high. I've been in your shoes, and clarity IS liberation, no matter where it takes you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ef20081 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 People can be so mean! Not sure what I expected on a relationship forum though. A lot of the responses have really helped and I know that I need to take time to figure things out on my own. I'm very happy with the way my life is now, the point of my original post was that I'm not sure if I will remain happy if I stay with him and never have the chance to experience the things he's already experienced. I don't think it makes me a narcissist or a terrible person to wish that it would have been me that he had those experiences with and that I didn't have such a difficult decision to make. I love him and I do cherish everyday that we spend together. I also love his kids and don't resent his ex wife for anything. I'm just worried that even though I'm happy now, the feelings i felt when i saw him having those experiences means that someday I will regret the life I've missed out on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 ^^ My concern here is that she is already feeling bitter that he's already done the childrearing thing and now he's 53 and it would be a pretty unwise decision to have kids with him UNLESS they have a lot of money such that they can rear the children while at the same time dealing with the fact that he will be old, dealing with health issues (as most older people do) and he will not be working because he is retired/older/possibly sick and unable to fully contribute to parenting young children due to his age. So not only will the childrearing fall mostly into her lap, so will the financial responsibility unless he has sufficient assets to both retire and raise a whole new family of children without financial concerns. So it's not just about whether she wants to be a mother or not, it's about whether marrying a 53 year old man is wise if she wants to have a young family life and is already bitter that the limitations of his age are impacting her choices and making her feel upset and unhappy that he got to be there/do that and she didn't. I have taken care of elderly parents and your life can become about endless and sad/stressful rounds of trips to the doctors and hospitals, watching someone fade before your eyes, trapped in the house and unable to get out and about due to caretaking duties. That problem and resentment would double if she expects to be dealing with his old age AND raising children at the same time. So this is about really accepting that he is old, and that he will have had the choice to raise children and she won't if she marries him, or if she does have children with him, she is signing up for a really rough row to hoe in terms of becoming the primary parent responsible for them due to his age and future infirmity. She's be responsible for them financially AND may well have to accept that his participation in parenting will be limited in ways a younger man's will not. And she needs to have a plan to be able to support herself and the children if he dies before the children reach maturity or has to retire due to ill health. So it's not just whether to have kids or not, but about whether to have kids or not with this particular man, who isn't a very good prospect for child rearing at his age UNLESS he is very healthy, has a family with genetic longevity, and they also have lots of available financial resources to cover supporting the family when he stops working and/or becomes ill. The potential to have to pay for a nursing home/extended care AND daycare for the kids so she can work and support them is really something she does have to worry about due to his age if she tries to pressure him into having children. He may agree to it because he doesn't want to lose her, BUT he's the one who will not be having to support them and take care of them if something happens to him or he is unable to keep up with the demands of parenting, she will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 What was it about the pictures that made you think about such an integral change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 p.s., I'm not mean, I'm realistic. I'm concerned that you are not getting that not only will you be giving up on children if you stay with him, but you are also about to enter a very rough ride spending your youth taking care of an old man. Only those who have been through that caretaking really know what that means, and know that if you are already bitter/sad/upset/concerned that you have to give up the idea and lifestyle of children for him, you're going to feel a lot worse when you're sitting alone at 50 or 60 having spent 20 years caring for an old man, and now you're a widow sitting alone and looking back on your life and entering old age yourself with no children and alone and without either children or husband. I think you need to really stop and look at this not thru romantic eyes, but practical eyes about whether you love him enough to give up children for him, but also whether you love him enough to spend your youth caring for him, and most likely your middle and old age alone because you've chosen a man who is so much older than you. And don't worry about his past, but worry about the FUTURE and think about this really rationally, as to whether you are up for spending the next 20-25 years taking care of an older man, then ending up alone because of your choice of partner. If you can accept that, then good, carry on, but if you think you can't, then you need to re-think whether you should stay with him or not. You're 30, and if you do want to have kids and have a more 'normal' life with someone of the same life stage as yours, then you need to not waste too much time with him and instead recognize that giving up children and caretaking an older man is not what you're really up for. I'd also evaluate how independent a person you are. The women I've known who've done well married to older men are very independent, have their own careers and can financially support themselves, have lots of interests that don't revolve around the man, such that they are able to just appreciate the man and not have their lives totally revolve around him, so he can retire and they don't resent his withdrawing from life or his illnesses. And they can manage their lives and his life when he gets ill and infirm. And because they are so independent, the idea of being alone and older when he dies doesn't scare them. Nothing is sadder than a younger woman marrying an older man thinking she's got a daddy figure or an 'equal', and then being disappointed upset and angry when he moves to the next life phase and he can no longer act young or take care of her because he needs extra care and to be taken care of himself. Then the woman abandons the man in his older age because she gets depressed and feels out of sync with her own life and can't handle it. So this is a big choice you are making and you need to recognize that life is not cookie cutter where you can just slide him into the same role/events that would take place if he were younger and your age. You just can't, and you need to evaluate carefully whether you have the temperament and resources to sign up for caring for an older man who will shortly be out of the work force and retired, while you have to find a way to support yourself and him financially and also to caretake him. And you need lots of emotional resources to deal with being a relatively young widow most likely not much older than 50 when he dies. Some men do make it to 80 and beyond, but most don't and many do die in their 50s and 60s from heart disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ef20081 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 What was it about the pictures that made you think about such an integral change? I really don't know. I guess maybe on some level I've always wished that we could've shared that part of his life together and seeing it in pictures solidified that. He just looked so happy though I know in reality that it wasn't necessarily what it appeared to be after listening to the stories he's told me about their life together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I really don't know. I guess maybe on some level I've always wished that we could've shared that part of his life together and seeing it in pictures solidified that. He just looked so happy though I know in reality that it wasn't necessarily what it appeared to be after listening to the stories he's told me about their life together. Well, there can be happy moments in one's relationship but have the overall relationship be negative. Most people are happy on their wedding day so yes ,he was probably happy at that point. And most people are ecstatic at the birth of their children. So what you saw were pictures of probably the really super high moments of that relationship. But that doesn't negate what he has with you. But I would encourage you to look inside yourself even more and really discover if you want children or you don't. If you stay with him that is probably a path you won't get to have. Maybe do you think because they had children that their relationship was more cemented or more real? That is not really so because people with children get divorced all the time every day and so did he obviously. So really think about what you want and the reasons for why you want them. That is very critical to getting what you want from life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorem Ipsum Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I guess maybe on some level I've always wished that we could've shared that part of his life together and seeing it in pictures solidified that. As you can't undo the past, the real question you've to ask yourself is: in 30 years, do you want to come accross a photo of yourself holding your new baby and look back and remember what that was like? Because the others are right. If you're getting that "I want to have children" pull, you have to talk to your fiance about it. If you really think that in 30 years time you will regret (or outright hate) that you never were a mother, your fiance has to either get on board with that or you have to break it off and find someone who is of a similar age to yourself and wants to be that guy in the photo. I don't think it's selfish of you to wish you were his exwife and had that experience, it's you realising that you will never be what she was, a mother (if you stay this course) and you're grieving that -- this is a wake up call. IMO, if you are uncertain about whether or not you want children of your own, start therapy. Right now, you deciding whether or not you want to have children is about you and you alone. If you are OK with never having children, then you need to own that too. Because if you do want to have children, your window for that is closing. Your fiance could still be a father at his age, but you may not be able to conceive without medical intervention if you wait another 5 or 10 years. Either way, if you want to stay with your fiance and not have children, or break up in order to find that for yourself, it's a big knot to unravel and you may benefit from being able to discuss that with a therapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosti87 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I have a friend who is significantly younger than her husband. He has adult children and she had a child with him. Their son is 7 years old and the father is in his 60s and retired. They are fine. She is more physically active but he let's her enjoy her hobbies and activities and does many of them with her son. It is doable but I think it works well with my friend because she does look at it practically and so does he. Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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