DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'm not looking to get my ex back. Just want to learn from the situation. I was dating a guy for nearly 2 years. Despite being in his mid-late 30s I was his first long term relationship. I was a bit surprised by this but didn't want to see this as a red flag. Things had been going very well up until recently. We didn't live together but I spent weekends and holidays with him. However 2 weeks ago he asks me to meet him after work in a public place. He then tells me that although he loves me an awful lot when he watched his sister get married recently 'he couldn't do it'. He said that he really wanted our relationship to work out but no matter how much he thought about it he couldn't make it work. What frustrates me is that no time did he mention any concerns/ doubts about the relationship to me, so there was no opportunity for us to try to work things out together. Do you think his lack of relationship experience has made him shy about taking things further/ making a commitment? I never brought up marriage or moving into together. And these doubts have only arisen since his sister's wedding. Or maybe he just isn't in love with me or doesn't know what he really feels? I presume it's difficult to quantify what you feel for another person if you have no previous experience. I'm over the shock now and am just very confused. He obviously does care about me as he gave me a book with an inscription. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I think that while he enjoyed your company, sitting at his sisters' wedding and watching a couple "in love" and committing their lives to each other -- he realized he didn't feel that way about you. It isn't hard to quantify "in love".... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Thanks MHowe. Out of interest how would you quantify 'in love' and how would I be able to tell myself whether i had been in love with him or not? I thought I was but maybe I was just in love with the idea of being in love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 It's hard to describe --- it is a consuming passionately want to be with them all the time in the infatuation stage. And, as it matures, you cannot picture your life without them in it. It is a desire to put a smile on their face, a background thoughts of them throughout the day. When something wonderful happens, you cannot wait to tell them. When something awful happens, you cannot wait to see them and hold them. If you "don't know" --- it is probably liking being in a relationship, but it isn't THE relationship. I am sure you loved him and he loved you --- but it was comfortable. And that is the difference...IMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'd agree that things had become a bit comfortable but I thought that that was normal once the honeymoon stage was over. I wouldn't say I thought about him all the time - otherwise I wouldn't get anything done - but I did miss him when we were apart and looked forward to seeing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 The honeymoon stage does wear off. Like I said, it is hard to describe. I was with a guy for 8 yr and was never "in love". I certainly would not have married him. My current bf --- I cannot imagine my life without him in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DollyRocker Posted March 24, 2014 Author Share Posted March 24, 2014 Does the thought of not being able to live without him scare you? What happens if he decides to leave and you can't stop him? I'm not sure I like the idea of being so dependent on someone for my happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwhiz345 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I think what your ex-boyfriend was looking for was merely companionship. I think mhowe is right, he just didn't recognize the type of commitment he was in, because he never had a serious relationship prior to you. But then again, going to weddings and/or seeing friends and family with children when you're still in relationship are going get you thinking about where the relationship is headed, and whether or not you both might eventually want those things with each other. In this case, he probably thought differently than you did about that. Sorry to say, although you are over the shock, you'll probably always be a bit confused unless you simply ask him "what changed his mind?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Does the thought of not being able to live without him scare you? What happens if he decides to leave and you can't stop him? I'm not sure I like the idea of being so dependent on someone for my happiness. I could live without him....I just wouldn't be anywhere near as happy and content. I don't depend on him for my happiness....but my world is infinitely brighter with him in it. If he left..or died...my life would obviously continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ainsley Adams Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Good Morning Dolly, I am so sorry to read your words. Our situations are so very similar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beduldac Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 If you "don't know" --- it is probably liking being in a relationship, but it isn't THE relationship. I am sure you loved him and he loved you --- but it was comfortable. And that is the difference...IMHO. So are you saying infatuations tend to run their course? They are not like real relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Seeing the happy couple I think he realized that he didn't love you enough to marry you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 So are you saying infatuations tend to run their course? They are not like real relationships. Infatuation almost always runs it's course. Infatuation is the about the "excitement/lust" stage. Infatuation is not love. Big difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feast Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I always thought you can define love / being ready to marry is when your gut instinct is telling you (not your mind), that you want to always be with this person, cant imagine life without them. You kind of surprise yourself, like wow, I didn't realize I felt that way. I think waiting a year to get engaged helps avoid infatuation driving you. By then the honeymoon stage should be over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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