Confused and need advice - should I let go?

[LatteLove]

It's been nearly 3 months since the break up. We were together for over 3 years but were having issues and going through a really rough patch the last 6 months. It's been long enough for me to really reflect on the relationship and I can see his faults but also my own. Previously I've really just concentrated on how horrible he was to me and it really motivated me to enter into no contact which I've kept up for around 1 month and 1 week. However I still love him and I find myself wanting to be with him still. I can see I had played my part in the break up too and I'm after opinions on whether it's worth me reaching out or whether it's just better to move on.

 

He was always a really caring guy, supported me a lot. I went through around 1 year of depression and I went onto anti-depressants. He was supportive and often during this time I would be snappy but he stood by me. When I had my wisdom teeth taken out he took work off and took me to the dentist and stayed by my side. When my mum had cancer he drove her to her appointments when I couldn't and supported me. He's even cleaned my vomit up for me the numerous times I've been ill or drunk during our relationship. At the start of the relationship, it took me a long time to open up. I grew up in a bit of a dysfunctional family where my parents went through a messy divorce and as my mum was very dependent on me- I had to grow up quick. It took me a long time to open up but when I did I started relying on him a lot. He also had a massive family so he expected me to attend all the family things. I began to give up a lot of my life and the things I liked to do to be able to go to all his family functions and also to see him. To make things worst he went onto shift work so was either on night shift or afternoon shift so I moved my hours around so we could see eachother. It became too much I was really unhappy but I didnt see a way out. His family had high expectations and although he said it didn't matter, If i missed out on family things they would make me feel bad. I know now I should have stood up for myself and just done my own thing. I didn't though and eventually I was in a routine where we were seeing eachother nearly every day because there was a family function or something we had to do. When there wasn't a family function I'd be pushing for 'couple time' or date night and he wanted to spend time with his mates or his own personal time and because I had been sacrificing my personal time to make all his family gatherings I became quite annoyed and angry that he wasn't making an effort to spend time with me. We would fight over this all the time and I would cry and he would feel bad.

 

On his part, I never realised he actually tried till now- I always thought he was just pushing me away taking me for granted, being selfish etc. But eventually he told me to stop going to his family things and that we should take a step back and that he just wanted me to be happy and do my own thing. He began to ask for space and saying that he was really trying to save our relationship even though I may not think so. I was so hurt by this point and tired from all the fighting that I thought it was a trick and I didn't want his family to hate me (They're a big family very clique-y and although nice can be judgmental). It's hard to say whether we would have worked if I just stood up for myself and did my own thing because I would have been happier. I didn't though because I was just stuck and all the pressure got me to me and I was laying there at night wondering 'is this it?' but my mindset back then was to hold on and keep pushing through because that's what you do when you love someone. When really I should have stepped back and let us both breathe. I should have just let him realise by doing my own thing instead of yelling at him because I was so unhappy sacrificing what I wanted.

 

Eventually I tried to break up with him when I got back from 1 month in europe with my bestfriend. He was taken back and really tried to fight for the relationship. I was so unhappy at this point because he was always running late, expecting me to be there for him and just forgetting little things. He realized how unhappy I was and I think at this point he started to pull away. He didn't see us working out because he said we just wanted different things. I was pushing him to spend more time together but less doing just family things. I felt like he wasn't supporting me and letting me do my own thing. When really he should just go to his family things, I'll make them once in a while when I can and I can do my own thing. I just didn't have this mindset then. And i was crying all the time, we were fighting, he had a bad temper so he would be saying horrible things to me. Because I was pushing for what I wanted so much, he began to do the opposite. He was coming late to catch ups, not wanting to be there for me at all, being really careless with my feelings. It was like he was testing me to see if i could hold my own and also avoiding me because we were fighting so much and really not caring anymore. To make matters worst though, it would always get to me and instead of just ignoring him and doing my own thing or standing up for myself and leaving it- I'd pick a fight and tell him how he hurt me.

 

Eventually 6 months after our initial nearly break up- we broke up, I ended it then tried to get back with him, and he didn't want to. I suggested a break where we see eachother 1 day a week and he agreed. I started talking to other guys online because at this point my self esteem was capoot. and I was convincing myself to move on and really trying to distract myself. I never started seeing anyone or did anything. He pretty much ignored me and told me he didn't want a relationship and to stop pushing whenever I tried to talk to him about things. He even got angry once and told me to 'go find someone else'. He was distant to me but would do things like fix my broken hair straightener and my car...and then he turned up to spend new years eve with me even though his family was doing a camping trip (which he loves). I was going to speak to him about getting back together again when he went through my phone, saw the messages and we had a massive fight which ended our relationship or what was left of it. He tells me he assumed we had gotten back together and couldn't believe I was talking to other guys and that he's hurt and doesn't think he can forgive me. I personally feel like although I can see he's hurt, it was a small thing and he ended things because he was tired and wanted to walk away anyway.

 

Since the break up, he continued to contact my family and drop by. He wasn't initiating contact directly with me except once when i drunk called him and hung up and then he messaged me after and then called me the next day. He responds to my messages and I asked him to meet up for coffee about a 1 month and 1 week ago and he agreed. I gave him a letter (bit embarrassed about it now) saying that i've decided to let him go and to move on and for him not to contact my family anymore but that I was sure that I was in love with him and that I don't regret meeting him and I hope him the best for the future. I've been in no contact since and I haven't heard anything from him either.

 

I've gone on a few dates and I've been going to the gym, doing classes, going to work etc. But I still miss him and I still love him. A lot of the anger I felt is gone and I can see I wasn't the best or right in the relationship either. But I don't want to come back to him and be taken for granted again. I don't want to break no contact and be back to square one. And I also feel like it was his choice to walk away for good in the end so it should be his decision if he wants to talk to me or work through things. But because I was speaking to other guys at the end when we were on break (but he didn't think we were anymore) I feel like I am somewhat in the wrong.

[Puzzled1607309399]

These days a lot of relationships don't reconcile because of pride & egos. I think it's great you evaluated your relationship & realized that it took 2 to tango & that not only 1 person was at fault for the breakup. You both compromised for each other but from a guys standpoint, he had every right to be mad. You weren't really on a break if you saw each other once a week, u were still together. No guy would want to find out that their girl's been talking to somebody else, it hurts.

 

From the advice I've received, 5 weeks isn't enough of no contact to reconcile. I'd least give it 3 months to fully free your mind & then try to talk to him again. But I'm happy that your willing to work things out with him.