Having a hard time coping

[ironman73]

Well, it has been a long time since I have been here- and I thought (hoping) I wouldn't ever be back for the same thing..

I know this is long. I am hoping anyone can help...

 

The last time I was here was because my bf of 1.5 years broke up with me. He was much younger than me (10 years) and just couldn't handle the fact that I had three kids from a previous marriage.

 

So I did a 180 and started dating a guy about 6 months later (found on the internet). He is 9 years OLDER than me when we started dating. He had 2 kids from his previous marriage. Same ages as mine. I was 38, he was 47. Now I am 40 and he is 49. His name is Jeff.

 

Both of us were separated pending divorce when we started dating. Both from difficult marriages. My ex is verbally abusive and chronically depressed and his is an alcoholic ex-LA model who has not worked for 18 years. She is also verbally abusive. I completed my divorce about 9 months into the relationship. I was very good about making Jeff feel like a part of the family and my exhusband HATED him- made my life very difficult- petty fighting about money and the kids. On the other hand, Jeff had been separated for 2+ years from his wife and was still shopping for her, she would have the run of his house. He had 2 houses, but she was allowed to come and go in his house (the main one) whenever she wanted. He was not allowed into hers. When we first started dating, she would have an issue with us putting pics up and started drinking more. I was very worried about this situation and almost bailed a couple of times. I had a hard time settling in the relationship. That being said, Jeff really aggressively pursued me. Told me he wanted to marry me. He asked me to move in with him (when it was practical). Told me over and over how much he loved and how amazing I was. Told me he was in this for the long haul over and over again. I am completely different from his ex. I am a physician, much better looking (she really deteriorated over the years) and much better educated. We had A LOT of fun together. I was a very good coparent for his children and we did a ton of things together. His friends and family were super happy we were together and thought we were a dynamic couple. His clients loved having me meet them for dinner and drinks and always asked for me. He never did this with his ex (technically separated) wife. So his 'ex' started to become unbearable with her drinking and her running in and out of the house. I told him he needed to set up boundaries and get a divorce, but there was always some excuse- no time, no money, etc. He was my best friend and confidant. We had so much fun together. Contrary to his 'ex', who was always screaming at him, we rarely argued- so much so that the children commented on it. He told me over and over again that I grounded him and helped him focus and made him happy.

 

Finally at the end of 2+ years, we were supposed to go to a school event together for his kids in Feb (3rd time) and I told him I didn't want to go. It was really one of his favorite events and I told him, I didn't want to go as the gf of a married man. I was tired of it. His 'ex' started drinking more again after her best friend killed herself that month (husband told her that he was leaving her). She started driving the kids around town drunk. It was unbearable for me. I always felt like a second class citizen in his life- it was his kids, work, his 'ex' and then me. I started to avoid going to his house- and left as soon as I could. I hated cleaning up the place for his lazy 'ex' who would stay there when he was gone.

 

So Jeff came over to my house on Feb 10 and broke up with me. Completely out of the blue. He told me it was something he had been thinking about for the last couple of months- that we weren't long term. And that there was something wrong with me. I was completely devastated. I had never been so close to anyone else before and he told me a number of times he never loved anyone as much. He also carried pics of me when he traveled (never did that with the 'ex'). He told me to move on.

 

I left him alone for a couple of weeks then came to his house and talked about the relationship. Told him that I think it was his 'ex' who was the problem, and not me- and that I was collateral damage. Told him that I would start dating. He wasn't happy, but he told me to move on (!). I told him that it is possible that he may know some of the people I would be dating (small circles). He was completely a different person. Disconnected. As if I never dated him. He also told me he was having some issues with his company- he is the founder and ceo. He was difficulty focusing on clients, etc, so much so that they took away his only account and another client refused to have him in a meeting again.

 

Then I did another 2 weeks of NC and finally reached out to him to wish him good luck about a major trade show in San Francisco. He immediately asked me if I went with this CTO I mentioned before. I dodged this question. Then he wanted to know where I stayed and which events I went to. I told him I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about this. But he was unusually responsive to my texts and then wanted me to call. I did. And he seemed angry/disappointed that I was already dating and wanted to know when I would pick up my stuff.

 

I was afraid that his feelings for me would turn into anger and I really was hoping we would reconcile. So I went over to his house. We had a little chat. And I told him that I really wasn't into the CTO (I ditched him) and that I still cared for him. He told me that he still cared for me. And that we broke up because he wasn't 'ready'. It had nothing to do with me. It was all him. He said this over and over. (which is different from the previous reason). I asked him if was happier without me. He said he was less stressed. I left him a book about divorce and how he was perpetuating the cycle of codependency with his 'ex'. And that she really is the one who caused the stress, not me. I left. That evening I wrote him a text asking him to read the book. No response. He didn't respond to any of my texts (3) of them. In the am, I sent him an annoyed text asking him why all of a sudden he was ignoring me- was it because I told him I still cared for him and dumped the CTO)? He did respond finally and said it was because he was busy/with kids. So, I asked him to promise me he would read the book. He said he would 'try'.

Not pleased with this response, I told him to reach out to me when he read the book and/or filed for divorce. And if he didn't, please take care. xo.

 

No response. Not even an 'ok'.

 

I am just totally devastated because I have never connected with anyone like this. And I know he hasn't either. Because he told me he has only loved 3 women and married the other two. (first was a mistake in college). I just can't believe at 49 why he would throw this away. He knows he will never do better (everyone has told him that). Everyone, including work colleagues are shocked. I feel like he cut off the right arm to save the necrotic left pinky toe. I simply cannot understand why he dumped me. There was no indication that he was anything but super happy in the relationship. Right to the very end- how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me for his bday. I feel like I messed up any chance of reconciliation by seeing him at the end. I didn't want to play mind games and I was honest with my feelings. Now he knows I miss him and he is in control and is no longer interested in me. I am having such a hard time moving on. Feelings of dread. Heart racing. Nobody I am meeting while dating even comes close to him in terms of connection.

 

Anyway, that is my story. Still don't know what went wrong. Hope someone has some advice or insight. Or even what to do now.

[SpottiOtti]

Who are you without him? What are you passionate about? What do you and your friends do for fun? How about you and your kids? I think you likely won't feel a connection with anyone until you focus on yourself and on healing from this relationship. As to his motives, it's really difficult to hazard a guess just from this post, but it sounds like maybe things got a little too real for him when you told him you'd had enough of being the girlfriend of a married man. Everything was easy when he could avoid manning up and putting boundaries in place with the "ex", but when you basically indicated that you were willing to take action to change the relationship if he didn't, it freaked him out and he had to push you away. Or maybe he has deep-seated self-esteem issues and he believes somewhere subconsciously that you are better than him, and this makes him uncomfortable so he had to cut you down to size.

[ironman73]

Thanks SpottiOtti-

I am really pretty dynamic without him and I am more passionate about many more things than he is. I guess I really brought more 'real' stuff into the relationship. He didn't have any hobbies, just his work and kids. But he is super outgoing and we really clicked. We really complimented each other and were the life of the party together. I made him a better person and vice-versa. And he was GREAT with my kids. SUPER patient. But thanks for your insight. He does have self-esteem issues. I am the only person of 'substance' he dated in the 2 years after his ex 'model' wife- who to call a spade a spade also did some soft-corn porn movies before they married. Despite being top in his field, he seems to go after women who look pretty but are not as smart as him. I was the only person who was pretty AND smarter than him.

Many of his own friends told him I was out of his league

[ironman73]

I guess I am falling into the victim of- you are special and unique syndrome

Only one to meet his kids, or his friends or his colleagues (in 10 years).

His friends and colleagues all told me he acted different around me and that I was truly special to him.

[ironman73]

Anyone else have any advice?

[sharky988]

Pardon the blatantly sexist over-generalizations, but I've found that many newly divorced guys his age are a lot like women in their late teens/early 20's: they're completely flaky and insane when it comes to relationships and commitment.

 

They're just all over the map.

 

Where he's at in terms of life stages is like *high school plus PMS times a million*. Don't even try to figure out WHY it happened.... just get yourself a safe distance from him emotionally and focus on recovery.

 

He might have unresolved feelings for his ex. He might've met some random girl online. He might've decided he wanted someone stupid so he could always have the upper hand. He might've woken up one morning and realized he was about to enter another long-term monogamous relationship that would last as long as his marriage and he suddenly felt old and trapped and desperate to escape..... who knows???

 

All you do know is that the problem wasn't YOU or your worth or who you are as a person. It's on him and his ambivalence about letting go of his past and starting the second chapter of his life.

 

You're going to find there are MANY other great guys out there you can really connect with. It just takes a while, but they're out there. I also tend to fall into that trap too of being impatient -- but when you're talking about finding someone special enough to spend the rest of your life with, doesn't it make sense that it takes a while to find someone like that?

 

At 40 you have SO MUCH TIME ahead of you to date and find love again! Please don't think for one second he was your last shot at happiness. He SO ISN'T. You can and will be happy again and have the same kind of connection with someone much, much better for you.

 

Deep down, you probably knew you were too good for him anyway.

 

No advice other than to stick to No Contact. And apologies again for being sexist and age-ist and making gross generalizations smearing both men and women in this post.

 

If you haven't seen it already, here's a guide that will help you: link removed