Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hi, long time lurker here. I recently went on two dates with someone I met on Tinder. First date we met halfway for drinks, had a great connection, he held my hands while we talked and we smooched at the end of the date. Second date he drove to my city(an hour away) we met for lunch, had fun, he then suggested a movie, while waiting for the movie to start, we kissed a bit. He did get a bit grabby with me. I helped him pick out a gift he needed for a baby shower too. During the movie he held my hand or had his hand on my leg. He asked if I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, so I drove his car around a bit in the parking lot. After the movie we went to a bar after and had dinner and drinks. Conversation was always flowing and really fun, we flirted a bit, but it was light, nothing X-rated. So fast forward to him dropping me off at my car. We met at 2 and it was around 11, so we spent the whole day together. We made out a bit, which was fine with me, as I am super attracted to him. The making out got a little heavy, more touching etc. He is saying how sexy, hot, I am and asks if we should go back to my place. At this point, I am thinking things are moving way too fast, and told him so. I was not ready to sleep with him, as it was only the second date, and that sex isn't a casual thing for me. I told him I was very attracted to him, and it wasn't lack of desire on my part....I honestly don't have a lot of experience with this kind of situation, so maybe said too much, since he said I was overthinking things. I was surprised he asked to come back to my place, and a bit disappointed. I must have put out signals I was willing to sleep with him? I had shared with him something very personal, and he did bring that up after I told him about not wanting to sleep with him that he understood my situation was different. He also mentioned that I messaged him first on Tinder, and that I mentioned his butt, which was true, but only that he was sticking it out in most of his pics, and I found it funny, not sure if he took that as a sign that I was willing to sleep with him on the second date? We parted ways, with him telling me he was going to be busy this weekend, when I asked what he was doing. He also said I should trust him, as in he isn't only looking for something sexual? Not sure what he meant by that. He texted me when he got home that night thanking me for humoring him, and that he will bug me soon. I replied thanking him for a great time etc. He sent me a text on Friday wishing me a happy second day of spring, we texted back and forth a bit. Nothing was said of meeting again. My feeling is he has moved on. Which makes me sad, since I really felt we had a connection, obviously we had chemistry. Should I just wait it out and let him contact me, or shoot him a text later in the week Dating isn't easy. I feel lack of communication and not wanting to come off as clingy or desperate makes it hard to move things forward, or end things......so people are left in limbo and wondering what is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Dating is not easy. It's easier when you find out early on as you did that his focus is on having sex rather than getting to know you as a person. Next time I'd probably keep my comments shorter to show that you are confident in your decision "I'm not comfortable having sex yet". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggles Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 You should wait and see if he contacts you. If he doesn't, then you know despite his words he was looking for sex over a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Sorry, but i agree with the others. Wait. If he really wants to see you, he will call. I know it's hard, and i'd probably fail at the 'waiting' game...but he, as most men do, have sex on the mind. I think they try to push the limits. If they fail and respect you, they will call. If they fail and were only looking for a little booty....they may not. OR he will try again..be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 If he doesn't, then you know despite his words he was looking for sex over a relationship. I would agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Sorry, but i agree with the others. Wait. If he really wants to see you, he will call. I know it's hard, and i'd probably fail at the 'waiting' game...but he, as most men do, have sex on the mind. I think they try to push the limits. If they fail and respect you, they will call. If they fail and were only looking for a little booty....they may not. OR he will try again..be strong. I don't think most guys behave like that. I think many people have sex on their mind. I think many people choose to behave in certain ways in reaction to their desires so as not to offend someone else or to choose getting to know the person over reacting with a focus on sex. I think it's fine if someone is just looking for casual sex and it does not show disrespect. I think this person stopped when she said to stop, so that part was respectful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy5129 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I thought tinder was more of a hookup site, not an actual dating site. Or am I wrong? That could be why he thought you would sleep with him so soon. Or maybe he just tries to get women to sleep with him quickly. In my experience most guys who say "I'm not like that, I'm not just looking for sex" are in fact just looking for sex. Actions speak louder than words. On the other hand if he is a nice guy he might feel like he screwed up by asking to go to your place and needs reassurance that you don't think he's a scumbag. It honestly couldn't hurt to text him. Based on how he answers you can see if he's a jerk or a nice guy that feels like he screwed up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 I don't think most guys behave like that. I think many people have sex on their mind. I think many people choose to behave in certain ways in reaction to their desires so as not to offend someone else or to choose getting to know the person over reacting with a focus on sex. I think it's fine if someone is just looking for casual sex and it does not show disrespect. I think this person stopped when she said to stop, so that part was respectful. So, you are in theory saying, that yes, men test the waters, see how far a girl will let them go? And that is respectful? I'd rather a man come out and say on the second date, that he likes me but isn't looking for a relationship, but would like to sleep with me. Be honest. What is worse, pretending to like a girl to get her into bed, and when that fails, leaving he r to wonder what she did wrong, or just saying you wanted the V. It's only fine if the person is honest about wanting casual sex, they need to let the other person know before things get intimate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 So, you are in theory saying, that yes, men test the waters, see how far a girl will let them go? And that is respectful? I'd rather a man come out and say on the second date, that he likes me but isn't looking for a relationship, but would like to sleep with me. Be honest. What is worse, pretending to like a girl to get her into bed, and when that fails, leaving he r to wonder what she did wrong, or just saying you wanted the V. It's only fine if the person is honest about wanting casual sex, they need to let the other person know before things get intimate. No I did not write that. I think it's fine if a man is just looking for casual sex, I think it's fine if a man makes a pass at a woman he is out on a date with. I think it's fine if the woman says no. I think that unless a man or woman say they are looking for a serious relationship you should assume that the person is looking to go on the date he is on with you or looking for any number of things. I did my best before I met someone for a date to find out what his general goals were. If not I found out within the first few dates if at all possible. I don't think it's ok to lie and say you're looking for a serious relationship if you are not. I don't think that is what happened to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Sounds like hee came over with the plan to get you in bed and spent a lot of time and effort priming you for that. You asserting your boundaries was likely not a welcome outcome. Also, I wouldn't get any ideas about him being shy. Shy guys don't spend the date all touchy feely and then suggest sex. Anyway, forget the attraction and ask yourself what do you really want. If it's a burn hot burn out fast fling, then that was a missed opportunity. However if you are seeking a relationship with, then this guy already demonstrated a clear and problematic difference in values. My advice to anyone seeking an ltr is to cull ruthlessly and early on when your date demonstrates undesirable differences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueidealist24 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 It sounds like he's disappointed that you didn't sleep with him. He might still be interested, or the thing about not just being interested in sex just might have been something he said to assuage his guilt over you possibly thinking that, and it maybe being true. He may have decided to put you on the back burner, but remain in contact, but look elsewhere for some quick sex if that's one of his priorities at this time. I wouldn't put too much effort into contacting him again.. doesn't sound like he's the best catch ever, anyway, if you have to wonder if he's just looking to get laid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jak3 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Tinder is a hookup site first, what did you expect? Your also not a nun, so you can do what you like and don't feel ashamed one bit for having sex early on. But I would probably dump someone after 3 dates (max 4 dates) if we didn't have sex, that spark or connection just wasn't there. Sorry but all this crap about emotional attachment and waiting to have sex is just that crap. If your not jumping out of your skin to bump uglies then it isn't going to work. Sorry to say but it's true. Yep, this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinNJuice Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Tinder is a hookup site first, what did you expect? Your also not a nun, so you can do what you like and don't feel ashamed one bit for having sex early on. But I would probably dump someone after 3 dates (max 4 dates) if we didn't have sex, that spark or connection just wasn't there. Sorry but all this crap about emotional attachment and waiting to have sex is just that crap. If your not jumping out of your skin to bump uglies then it isn't going to work. Sorry to say but it's true. Agreed. Add in the fact that you live AN HOUR away, and it's just not worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 What is worse, pretending to like a girl to get her into bed, and when that fails, leaving he r to wonder what she did wrong, or just saying you wanted the V. It's only fine if the person is honest about wanting casual sex, they need to let the other person know before things get intimate. I think that your best bet is to treat everyone like a stranger until you date them for a few months. Over a longer period of time, you can see if he is consistently interested in you before sex even enters the picture. Do not let anyone convince you that you should be having sex within 3-4 dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 It sounds like this guy is interested and I think he was just really attracted to you and wanted to have sex. Nothing wrong with that, as there is nothing wrong with waiting either. You guys had a 9 hour date so obviously there was a good connection there. I would let him call you to set up the 3rd date. I don't know - things sound like they went well, I don't think you need to worry. If he is put off that you didn't have sex with him on the 2nd date, then he's just impatient and you don't need that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Yep, this. I didn't know Tinder was mainly a hookup site. That is news to me. Anyways, so what if it is? I never came out and stated I was looking to hookup, he never told me he was looking to hookup. If someone is looking for a hookup, they need to let the person know before they meet, or at least on the first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I must have put out signals I was willing to sleep with him? Okay, this is not only likely not true, but it's dangerous of you to go around thinking that it's your fault somehow when a guy wants sex with you. The blunt truth of the matter is when you have a horndog on your hands who wants to laid all you have to do is be standing next to them breathing. That's it, that alone is all you need to do to excite them. What I don't like about the guy instead of him backing off and saying, "Sorry, you're right we're moving too fast," he instead continues to push and then pulls out the guilt tactics by implying it was your fault somehow, that you brought his actions on yourself because of things you said or did. Not cool, not cool at all. This isn't a guy who takes responsibility for his own actions and respects other people's boundaries. I'm not sure why you'd even want a third date if he's already into trying to shame you into having sex with him on a second date? I'd be scared that he wouldn't take no for an answer if you went out with him a third time. He's likely to blame you for that telling you, "If you didn't want sex you shouldn't have accepted a third date with me." This guy isn't the great guy you assume he is and please realize one or two or even three or four dates doesn't now mean you know everything about them and it's all going to be okay. You have sex when you're ready and you can trust the other person although I don't see anything to trust here frankly. Just because you flirt or dress pretty doesn't mean you automatically want to leap into bed with someone at the first chance. And you'd be very wise to steer clear of such people the moment you see that's the way their mind works. He all but told you that you asked for it, and I don't think it's just me that finds what he said to you and did a tad alarming. I've had guys come on strong before, but they will apologize and stop. It's only the ones who have boundary issues or worse who then continue to push and try to manipulate you into thinking gee maybe it was your fault... You need to keep yourself safe and you need to learn to recognize red flags the moment you see them and get yourself away from the guy. And yes, this can happen to guys with a girl too. It's still not okay, no means no. Enforce it and if they don't respect it don't go back out with them again. Don't make excuses for them. Don't accept their blaming you or insisting you did something to "ask" for it. Please don't do that. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you Ms Darcy. I feel like I have to defend myself for not having sex when the guy wants it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Well - in all fairness...you did say that you were making out a lot. I know I might get jumped on by people saying just because a woman makes out with a guy doesn't mean she wants to go all the way. But honestly, if you don't want to give a guy the wrong idea, then if it is your second date and he's not a steady boyfriend, don't get hot and heavy. If a guy and I were hot and heavy and there was hint from either of us of taking the other one home or going back to someone's place, it would be a lecherous or off the wall suggestion. It just seems that if the other party in the making out session is very receptive and you notice you are in public, then that might be something you suggest. Its not like you were sitting at the ice cream parlor and he suggested it. At any rate, if he told you he wanted to see you again and actually made contact with you before the weekend, he might possibly wonder if he came off as a jerk and is treading carefully. I would, since he showed so much interest, suggest plans once and if he doesn't bite, then that's that. I think you both got intense here and it was not a casual "get to know you date". So its not that he is a horny guy wanting to take advantage - you both were and you know for the future that maybe you take things just a wee bit slower or make the second date shorter to decide if you want a third date. So..if you don't want to date him...fine...or if you do..fine.. but its not all about him being a horny taker-advantage-over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Thank you Paris, and you're right. I wish he did say we we're moving too fast. and reassured me wanted to get to know me more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greta96 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Sorry but all this crap about emotional attachment and waiting to have sex is just that crap. If your not jumping out of your skin to bump uglies then it isn't going to work. Sorry to say but it's true. Seriously? Usually bumping uglies early on (1-3 dates) guarantees that all you'll ever be is a f*ck buddy and will be treated as such. It is almost a given that things will not work out, at least not in the long run. Yeah, he'll f*ck you, but won't marry you or think much of you. Not having sex early on is also a great way of weeding out creeps, players and other similar critters. Why would anyone want to have sex just for the sake of having sex, with an almost stranger, is beyond me. OP, I think this guy wanted a hookup. When he realized you were not the type of woman to jump into bed that easily, he probably moved on to another woman who would. You didn't lose anything, in fact you should see this as a blessing. Who wants that type of guy?? And it is most definitely not your fault, if a guy is only after sex then nothing you will do or say will change that, and he'll keep looking until he finds someone easy. Being easy is not something to be proud of, so if he ends up never contacting you again, you'll know what he was after, and you should be glad he's gone. I wish people appreciated quality over quantity... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonquill Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 I know. I am not blaming him for thinking the way he did. What I AM thinking is that was his plan from the start, and is butthurt I said no to him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Seriously? Usually bumping uglies early on (1-3 dates) guarantees that all you'll ever be is a f*ck buddy and will be treated as such. It is almost a given that things will not work out, at least not in the long run. Yeah, he'll f*ck you, but won't marry you or think much of you. Not having sex early on is also a great way of weeding out creeps, players and other similar critters. Why would anyone want to have sex just for the sake of having sex, with an almost stranger, is beyond me. I doubt it's a real post/poster, don't worry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greta96 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 I doubt it's a real post/poster, don't worry. Oh, whew! My blood was starting to boil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 If you're on a site that caters to hook-ups and NSA sex, then get off of it pronto, be more careful about researching your sites, and also understand that this could have been a mismatch of expectations. But I'll tell you this: if you have reservations about having sex, and a man says you're "overthinking things", you don't want to be with that man. Because he is invalidating your gut, and cares more about his agenda than respecting your boundaries. He also tried to make it sound like you were leading him on, at bit - a bad sign. And you told him something very personal about not wanting to have sex right away, and it turned into your having to have a major reason to justify not wanting sex. And he responded as if he was being very generous to you to acknowledge your situation as "different" -- different from what? Other girls who don't have "a good excuse" to want to hold off on sex? The guy's a jack.ass, so despite the chemistry, you're in good shape that he's possibly gone, and if he isn't, well, good luck with a dude like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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