(A Theory) The Key to ANY Form of Reconciliation

[Boomshine]

Reconciliation is a very delicate matter. Not only in the process of attempting to do so with your former lover, but also in the matter of sifting through the PLETHORA of information on the web about it. Some people will say that reconciliation is great, others will say you should avoid your ex like they carry a life-threatening plague. But personally, I'm a man about being open to ALL possibilities. If you want to move past your ex entirely, and never speak to them again, great for you! I wish you the best in your healing process, and hope your life becomes all you wish it to be. And if you think maybe there's a chance at reconciling, and regaining a friendship, relationship, or anything in between, I welcome that idea as well. And I only forewarn the standard and obvious warning of "Make sure it's something you both can be okay with."

 

I've found that one of the biggest issues tormenting people who have just split up is that they're trying to determine whether they really have a chance to reconcile or not. They don't want to just walk away if there's a chance, but they don't want to try if there's really NOT a chance, and they don't know how to really figure it out.

 

And up until now, I've never had a surefire and clearcut way of helping people determine if it really IS something they both can be okay with. All I'd known was "You both have to start with a clean slate, as if it's all back to square one." But I didn't really know how to determine how one achieves that. I've done so in my particular situation, but only consequently. It was never a goal or focus; It just sorta happened.

 

But then, two nights ago, it hit me. I believe I figured out what the key to wiping the slate clean is. At this point, it's only a theory, but from personal experience with my situation, and two others' so far (I hope to gain MUCH more input into this to potentially turn this theory to law), it has been absolutely true.

 

The key to wiping the slate clean, and really having a chance at reconciling (for whatever type of relationship that might mean to you) is that both parties, in terms of their own individual lives, have to have created enough cognitive dissonance within themselves to see their world in a different light.

 

Cognitive dissonance basically works like this: You have a view on something. Then something happens which goes completely AGAINST that previous view, and changes how you view it. For example, when my ex broke up with me almost two years ago, I was devastated, and it was because of that breakup that I learned I had actually been in a depression for well over a year. So I went out and started working on myself, and over the course of these last two years, I've put an immense amount of focus and revitalization into my life. I've overcome my anxiety, regained my confidence, focused more energy into the things I'm passionate about (soccer, bass, video games with friends, and relationship coaching), and I can proudly say I love myself again. This has ultimately changed how I view my world and how I view myself.

 

And if it weren't for that, reconciliation would have never been possible for me. I would've stayed in the rut I was in, in a depression for who knows how long, and there's no way my ex would have ever wanted me in her life even as a friend again. But it takes two to tango, folks. BOTH of you have to be able to get over the past, and let it be history. If either of you are still latching on to the way things used to be, and aren't able to simply focus in the present, it will cause issues in ANY aspect of a relationship (yes, even a completely platonic friendship). So for anyone who wants to know if reconciliation is possible in their current situation, I ask you these few questions:

 

1. Have you done enough work on yourself that you can appreciate everything for what it is in the current, and let the past be done and over with?

2. Have THEY done enough work on themselves to do the same?

3. Did you break up without some sort of completely unforgivable act occurring?

 

If you answered yes to all three of those questions, reconciliation is possible. If you answered no to #1 and/or #2, then reconciliation could be possible in the future when the no becomes a yes. If you answered no to #3, then you've got a long shot, and it's best just walking away.

 

I hope this has helped many people in finally being able to determine whether or not they might be able to reconcile. And any input, relevant stories, or questions are all entirely welcomed.

 

Cheers,

Boom

[erklat]

It can take a surprising amount of time for an individual to develop dissonance even if no personality disorders come into equation.

 

Contact me on pm, I'd like to discuss further.

[lavenderdove]

Regarding 'wiping the slate clean', unless you are an amnesiac, that doesn't happen. You have to work thru and address all the issues that caused the breakup until they are resolved rather than trying to ignore them or wish them away. And sometimes those issues can be addressed and sometimes not, and it takes BOTH people to really want the other person rather than just thinking it is OK to hang out as friends or FWB after a breakup.

 

I see from your other thread that you are not really back with your ex, you are in a FWB situation with her, and make statements about the expectation that she will want you more in future just because you are engaging in a a supposedly light hearted FWB situation. When maybe all she is doing is enjoying the FWB while looking for a new man she considers more suitable for herself, just as she did the last time. So you're high on the fact that she's banging you again, BUT she hasn't agreed to be your GF again which is an extremely critical bit of info you shouldn't really ignore because you want her back so badly.

 

So i think it is great if you're at a place where you feel happy, but that could be because you are counting on the fact that you will be eventually be getting a 'do-over' with a ticket to a renewed BF/GF relationship when that may or may not be the outcome. And it's an ominous sign if she'll only agree to FWB and not to actually dating you exclusively again.

 

And you're not making your true motivations clear to her, which leads to a dishonest relationship. You don't REALLY want to live in the 'now', you want to get her back as your GF, and are trying to manipulate that via a FWB situation with her. Unless she's willing to REALLY get back together in a monogamous BF/GF relationship, this is really just a detour that may lead to more heartbreak.

[sharky988]

^ Exactly.

 

I see from your other thread that you are not really back with your ex, you are in a FWB situation with her, and make statements about the expectation that she will want you more in future just because you are engaging in a a supposedly light hearted FWB situation. When maybe all she is doing is enjoying the FWB while looking for a new man she considers more suitable for herself, just as she did the last time. So you're high on the fact that she's banging you again, BUT she hasn't agreed to be your GF again which is an extremely critical bit of info you shouldn't really ignore because you want her back so badly.

 

Couldn't agree more. Settling for FWB every time your ex is between real boyfriends isn't a success story in my book.

 

It frankly seems a bit delusional to be pitching yourself as a relationship coach.

[JA0371]

Time....time .....time...and distance is really important. Even if you want to reconcile, you can never do it without some significant time apart, with new experiences. Yes, that includes changing the way you think and view the world...but how can you really do that while being stuck in the past or on an ex? You can't. The problem is that it's rare for BOTH parties to make those changes. One changes, the other stays stuck...and by then the one who has changed the most has already moved on and refuses to go back. So...it is possible, but not without lots of effort on oth sides, which is rare.

[Ms Darcy]

It's not cognitive dissonance. It's emotional distance. Otherwise, working on yourself/self-improvement is indeed very vital.

 

Emotional distance is being able to look back at the relationship/break-up without negative emotions and even with some level of positivity (e.g. it was a good relationship or these are the things I learned). Emotional distance comes with self-improvement, time, often with avoiding contact with the ex, etc.

 

What you have doesn't seem like reconciliation to me (more like FWBs) but I think your point is well taken.

[doicare]

I think there is definitely something here for sure. Personally from reading op and other replies distance /time tends to create dissonance. So NC is a pretty good way of making that come about, assuming you didn't majorly screw up and that there was a solid foundation for love. Other times it could be that your ex was just not that into you and no matter what you do or don't do makes no difference in any potential reconciliation. For the most part it's usually when the dumpee moves on that a dumper will change through mind. I. E. Distance and dissonance.

 

Now in your situation, you've managed to attract your ex back into your bed, but with little additional commitment. So I think you're past this distance/dissonance phase. If you focus on having a good time and creating nice shared experiences, they will see like in 1) you've really made some positive changes. But sometimes that's not enough and it comes down to whether the dumper really cares to try again even with these changes.

 

You're at the stage where she's comfortable with limbo... Somehow you need to ignite her attraction to you. I'm not sure how long you've been back in her life, but depending on the time you can start to move on as she may think you'll always be around. I'm not a fan of these subtle ploys, but I guess it's just a natural reaction that a healthy person would do. You can't spend all you time focused on this one of ex, when someone else may be better suited for a committed loving relationship. In other words know when to cut your losses. Just a thought.