Would It Be So Bad?

[Mom]

As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. Well lately it seems that I am stuck in some torrential downpour that I can't get out of. Lately it seems that I ave made a real mess of my life. Things started going wrong when just about 10 years ago, my husbands mistress called to let me know that she was engaged to my husband and much to my chagrin, my now ex told me he was in love. The divorce process was exhausting, had it not been for the fact that I was pregnant with our 5th child, I think I would have ended things a long time ago but I couldn't harm an innocent. In between him not realizing that I was a human with feelings and his mistress calling me a because he told her our children were from another man, I believe I went emotionally numb. I lived in a few shelters for sometime before I became stable and then five years down the road, I had an emotional breakdown that led to the loss of my job. On top of that, despite swearing the children and child support off, Mr. Ex said that he wanted full custody. Although I have the promise of a new job, the pay will won't even help to make ends meet.

 

I got a lawyer handling Mr. Ex, to increase my chances of career success I went back to school but, due to my job loss I am now struggling to stay emotionally and financially afloat. I don't know if I can handle much more of life's curves and plot twist alone. I was on medication for depression and anxiety but due to my lack of funds and insurance that isn't happening. Congress hasn't renewed the Unemployment Extension so some of my bills are going unpaid and trust me I am on the smallest budget possible for a family of 5. I have no friends, I can't confide in family and I don't want my kids to see me cry. Life has been pretty hard for me and I know that sounds selfish because others have it worse than I do. I am trying to stay strong for the sake of my children but I know I am loosing this battle.

 

I know that my children will be hurt if I were to pass but, I don't know that life is giving me any other choice. I keep trying to find the silver lining on the clouds but it has proved to be futile. I don't think I will end my life anytime soon but my prospect on life is so bleak that I have begun to make plans for them when my youngest goes off to college which will hopefully be in 8 - 9 years. I keep telling myself to hold out for the next day cause things will get better and they aren't. Those nine years will be severely cut if I don't find joy soon. I just hope that my kids are strong enough to move on because it would hurt me to find they have fallen into depression and followed in my footsteps.

 

I am not posting this as a farewell, I am posting it because I have no one to talk to and these thoughts will plague me if I don't let them escape. I am tired of life, I am tired of being a disappointment and one day when my death does come, I will be sorry to have burdened my children.

 

- To the world that won't embrace me

- To the circumstances that surround me

- To the world that just won't let me be

- Because I know I can't escape

Mom

[DollyPardon]

Hi, i have just cried my heart out reading your story! I have felt the same as youre feeling now, alas for a different reason.

First of all, please realise how incredible you are, a single parent of 5 children!! I struggle to sometimes get through the day just thinking about myself, not even having to think about 5 others!

Sometimes this world sucks, life throws us curve balls that make us feel like nothing will ever get better. I promise you it does. You have got through 10 years of this, what makes you think you cant do more? Please be aware of the strength inside you that has enabled you to get through each day!

If you ever want to talk i am happy to give you my email address. You have a friend in me and you are not alone xx

[Mom]

Thank you for your kind words, you are right I have schlepped through 10 years of issues, more than that if I count the years pre-divorce that I had to suffer. Like a roof that caves in after the years of weathering gets to it, I feel the same. I can handle a few more but I am not such how much more thank you for your olive branch.

[silversoul]

Hi, your story really touched me. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can see that you are a strong person, the fact that you even went to school is impressing. I think you should try to get all support from the state that you need. I'm not American so I really don't know what resources are there for you. I'm pretty sure there must be some organisations who will be able to provide some help for you. Can you research that? I'm wondering whether you also will be able to get free counselling at women's centre somewhere? Sometimes you need to reach out for help.

[amipushy]

If you have had an breakdown then try reading 'Self Help for Your Nerves', by Dr Claire Weekes. It is a best selling book that has helped millions of people just like you (yes JUST like you). Ignore the title, it doesn't do this book justice- You can get it in 'used' condition for pennies on Amazon and could save you from a life of depression and the fear of another breakdown. If you follow the instructions in the book by the time your child goes to college you and your life will have changed so much that you wont even consider suicide. What have you got to lose? Buy it.