Boyfriend Stays out Late with the Guys

[timbercat]

I'm 29 my boyfriend is 35.

 

We've been together 2 1/2 years and lived together for a 1 1/2.

 

I want to preface by saying his job is flexible. He travels around town for work in a company vehicle, and basically makes his own hours, so he can stay out drinking and start working at noon or whenever the next day. I work in an office and wake up any time between 5am and 6:30.

 

I have two issues, and YES I've "talked to him about it."

 

1. He almost never tells me when he's going out with his friends. I don't MIND him going out, but it'd be nice to know so I could make my own plans?

 

Example: the "norm" is I come home from work, change, go for a jog, and make dinner and we chill on the couch and watch tv and eat, have intimate time, go to bed, wake up, go to work, do it all over again tomorrow.

 

Yesterday, I thought about going to the local theme park (we have annual passes-it's only 10 miles away) after work but figured he wouldn't be able to go because of work, and wanted to spend time with him more than I wanted to go. I drove home instead, and his car wasn't there. This was odd, because he has both a work truck and a car, and his work truck was there but his car wasn't, meaning he'd already been back home and left. I called and texted and got no response. I started on laundry and he called, saying he'd just gotten out to the golf course, they were playing a couple holes and he'd be home soon. He asked if I wanted to go pickup Greek food for dinner and we'd eat around 8. I said sure and told him to have fun.

 

2. He NEVER makes an effort to be home when he says he will. I don't know if he's just telling me what I want to hear to shut me up, or if he's just making up an arbitrary time or what. He loves me. I don't doubt that for a second. He pays the bills (I pay the mortgage, he pays everything else) and works, and is generous with taking me out multiple times a week, gifts, buying me clothes, etc. So I know he cares about me....but then why doesn't he at least try to do what he says he will???

 

Example: Yesterday around 7:45 (remember we were supposed to eat at 8) he calls and says "hey I just pulled up to this bar--we beat these guys at golf and they want to try to win their money back playing darts--if we win they're going to get the bar tab." I said "that sounds like fun. I wish I was there....where are you?" and he said "oh don't worry this won't take that long--I'm just gonna win two rounds real quick and be out of here in 30 minutes, 40 tops" I groaned (like I said...never home when he says). He said over and over "I promise--30 or 40 mins and I'll be home in an hour. Okay? We'll eat Greek food at 9, okay? Just go pick it up and I'll be there around 9. I promise."

 

Well, a 8:45 I texted him "On the way? I just got gyros. =)"

 

8:50: "Won the first round, lost the second. That one was my fault. About to start the third. Home soon."

 

I just texted him back with "sigh"

 

I drank a beer, ate my food, folded some laundry, popped a sleeping pill and went to bed around 9:40.

 

Checked my phone when I crawled into bed and saw a text at 9:10 saying "bringing a gift, leaving in 10."

 

At some point in the wee hours of the night (I have no clue if it was 10:30 or 3am, I was so groggy from the medication) he woke me up shaking my shoulder and said something, and I replied irritably that I was trying to sleep.

 

Woke up this morning at 6am for work. He was passed out on the couch fully-clothed. There were food wrappers around the kitchen.

 

I asked why he was on the couch and he said "I didn't mean to be, I just pased out here." I said "that sounds about right" and rolled my eyes and he said "I'M the one that was up all night, what are you b***ing about???"

 

Dude, it's Thursday night. Why are you up all night?

 

The "gift" he'd brought home was leftover wings..... Okay. I do love wings. A lot. Like...borderline obsessed. I could act irritable and say "You know I'm on a diet!" and throw them in the garbage. But...I'm probably going to eat them all.

 

 

Anyway, this type of thing happens probably 1-2 times a month. He'll promise to be home early, adn then stumble in during the wee hours, if at all. Once every few months, we'll have afight because he'll get drunk and crash at a friends house, usually without so much as a text.

 

I mean...he's 35, he's a grown man, we're not married and we have no kids. We did just get back from a vacation on Wednesday with his family (note: HIS family = no alone time for us, which I'm dying for at this point) so he hadn't seen his best friend in awhile, which I get, which is why I was making comments like "oh have fun!" and "wish I was there!" So I mean, he's a grown man and I can't tell him what to do, and he should be able to go out and have fun. But why lie about when you'll be back...EVERY TIME?

 

I just think it's pretty inconsiderate--I could have gone to the theme park after work if I'd known he was going out. Or I could have gone with him if he would have told me where he was?

 

So, next time we talk (on the phone, or in person) do I have a right to be upset or am I just being jealous?

 

Quick note: when I go out with my friends I'm reachable via phone the entire time, sometimes get drunk but not "wasted" and come home exactly when I say I will EVERY time, even if it means missing the afterparty/next bar/fun conversation/what have you.

 

Another quick note: when he goes out with ME, we NEVER stay out past midnight, even when I beg to ("we don't have kids yet, let's just stay out all night baby!") and he'll say I've had enough, or he's getting tired, etc. So it makes me feel bad that he only stays out really late when I'm not around. Like I'm no fun.

[Catherine_3]

I don't think anyone is necessarily right or wrong here. You always have a right to be upset if something isn't working for you. The question is whether you're compatible or not.

 

Personally, I have no issue with my husband staying out late with friends. And if he happened to be wasted, I would absolutely want him to crash on someone's couch rather than driving home.

 

What would bother me is not keeping his word, as well as drinking to excess. But that's just me. Your personal preferences may be different.

[timbercat]

I have absolutely no issue with him drinking to excess (as long as he doesn't get sick/hurt himself). I don't care for the idea of him spending the night away from home...I want him in bed with me. He should want to be in bed with his girlfriend. Who would rather spendt he night on a couch than in a comfy warm bed snuggled with the love of their life?

 

It just kills me that he doesn't make the effort to come home when he says. All he has to do is put down the bottle and say "hey I told my girlfriend I'd be home at 9, so I"ll see you guys later."

[mhowe]

The word "should" has no place in a relationship.

 

And if you think any guy is going to tell his buddies..."Gotta go. I told the woman I would be home by 9pm" you are crazy. He does this once a month!

 

Next time you hear he is golfing....make your own plans.

 

And there are many men who will prefer DRI king with the boys a d crashing on a couch to"s niggling in bed with the love of their life".

 

You will be happier if you try less to impose your will on his occasional night out.

[timbercat]

"Next time you hear he is golfing....make your own plans."

 

That was part of my point--had he TOLD me he was golfing, I WOULD have made my own plans. Instead I drove over an hour in rush hour traffic to get home to spend time with him, only to find he wasn't even there. I wasn't going to go drive well over an hour to get to the theme park after that, which at that point closed in an hour anyway.

[timbercat]

I could have sat up all night blowing up his phone and nagging, but instead I just did what I needed to do that evening by myself and went to bed at a reasonable hour.

 

And it's not always once a month. Sometimes he'll go through phases where it's more like a couple times a week. Especially when it's boating season in the summer.

[mhowe]

Your original post said 1-2x a month, so don't bite my head off.

 

You are dating a 35 yr old boy who prefers the company of his posse to hanging out with you.

 

It is that simple.

 

You didn't know he was golfing...and he did t know you wanted to go to the theme park.

Try calling him before the end of the day.

 

And you don't get bonus points for NOT blowing up his phone.

[timbercat]

I'm not trying to bite your head off...I'm sorry if I came accross that way. I was just trying to provide further explanation, not get defensive.

[Catherine_3]

I have absolutely no issue with him drinking to excess (as long as he doesn't get sick/hurt himself).

 

You should have a problem with this. He's 35, not 18. Excessive drinking is damaging his body. If you plan to have children with this person, you should prepare for the fact that there's a good chance you'll lose him early and end up raising the kids on your own.

[timbercat]

I actually did try calling him after I got off work, on the way home, and he didn't answer. I figured he was probably taking a nap. Thursdays are the one day he has to wake up early and work in the office in the morning, so sometimes he takes a nap when he gets home. We'd also spoken multiple times during the day while i was at work, and he never mentioned anythign about golf.

 

I agree that I don't get bonus points, I'm just tryign to emphasize that I didn't "impose" on him. I just went to bed, and I didn't whine or complain to him.

 

I do think it's messed up to ask me to go get food so we can eat together and then not come home--but it's not like it was gourmet food or anything either.

[mhowe]

Whether or not it was deliberate...I think that if you hear he is out with the boys, then don't count on him watching his watch and coming home.

 

The bigger issue here is that this becomes a 3-4x a week thing in boating season.

It appears to be a lifestyle he enjoys...while you have a traditional 9-5 with commute.

I have been in a relationship like that.. coming home to find the.posse hanging out on the deck, well into happy hour and not leaving. It gets old.

[timbercat]

True. There's quite a bit he couldnt' have known. For example, last night I was talking to a friend that was crying because she'd just had a fight with her boyfriend. I actually told her around 8:15 "hey i'm really sorry, but my boyfriend and i are eating at 9, and i have to get this order called in adn get to the restaurant. I hope you feel better...I can text with you though, okay?" Had I known he woudln't actually be home to eat dinner, or that he was going to be eating at the bar anyway, I never would have left her like that. But I guess I need to start putting myself first. I could have just kept her on the phone and then later told him I didn't have time to get food because I was on the phone with a friend in need. We had food at the house--he'd actually texted me asking me to go and get the Greek food specifically, so I'd gottend dressed, driven out, picked it up, and brought it home for us.

 

His excuse a lot of times on why he doesn't let me know in advance so I can make my own plans is that "usually i don't know i'm golfing until the last minute." He doesn't have a country club membership, but his friends do--so they'll call him and ask if he wants to come along, and he'll have to throw his stuff together and go. A quick text would be nice though, but he supposedly doesn't even have time for that.

[CeeLambrini]

Your problem is that your boyfriend isn't showing you the same decency as you provide him, and you expect his behaviour to reflect yours. When I say the same decency, I don't mean the same amount, I mean in the same way. It is very annoying when you get given the wrong time, of course and waiting around to eat can't be good for you - you must have been starving - but you are going about solving this problem the wrong way.

You will be amazed at the results of simply treating him the same way he treats you. I don't mean fighting fire with fire, I mean simply lowering your expectations and changing your behaviour to match his. You say he does this 1-2 times a month, this isn't every other day first of all. Some could argue that that isn't often at all, which is why perhaps he grabs his chance while he can and simply make up for it with hot wings after taking 2 hours longer than he usually does.

Next time simply respond to his text with "Take your time, hun - I'm going to have a bubble bath and an early night I think!". Letting him know for one thing, that you don't mind his freedom and that you are fine doing your own thing will make all the difference. Don't put any expectations on what time he says he is coming home, and when the hour strikes and he anticipates the first "Are you coming home?" text and the excuse he has to give you, only to find there is none - he will start to ponder why you aren't concerned that he isn't there.

This will take away the assumption you are at home, sitting around and pining for him. What you see as texting him every hour (concerning your dinner, of course) he will see as nagging. It is off-putting, and he would rather be with his buddies who are care free, than his girlfriend who is desperate for alone time with him, and available at any hour.

When he comes home late, with a "gift" he expects you to be angry at him for being late. Take away the expectation - and just don't care. "Actually, I had a wonderful evening in - so peaceful and relaxing after that tough day at work, how was your night? Have fun?". You are showing him that you don't need him to validate yourself, in fact - you quite love your own company! You haven't been sat around wondering where he was or sighing at the clock every minute that went by without him.

 

Next thing is, when you have an opportunity to do something without him, and want to go - then go! That was your choice to stay home and spend time with him without knowing his plans. He will make his last minute plans, and shoot off without letting you know. In complete contrast to this, you decide that he might want to spend time with you that night, and therefore decide you're not going to go. Instead of expecting him to tell you every detail of his day plans, just make your own and say "We can spend alone time tomorrow, instead."

 

Call it playing games, call it lowering expectations, it doesn't matter. It will make a world of difference where, instead of hoping for him to rise up and meet your standards of how you treat him, simply relax and lower yours. He is childish, and he will throw out white lies and updates on his night (to make you understand and feel included) to keep him in your good books, and when he has run out of excuses then there's nothing a plate of hot wings won't fix. But instead of playing the "mother" with your arms folded and a cross look on your face when you get home after he has been childish, play him at his own game and toss out the expectations of a courtesy call when he goes out, a kept promise for when he comes back, and overall a general return on the courtesy you show him.

 

He will want to spend more time with you and please you when he realises you don't need that. When he feels that "spending alone time" is a chore, and that you are unhappy without it, it puts pressure on him and he feels he has to do it. When you show him you don't need alone time to be happy, and that you are happy with and without his company that is when spending time together is something he wants to do. Not when he has to do it.

[chr8st8na]

I think the issue here is compatibility. You already told him how you feel and so far he hasn't done much to change it. You usually get what you see.

 

I also think he is someone who enjoys being carefree and that might not suit you well because you want someone who is available in a relationship. Carefree individuals just aren't the type to change over night or for a long period of time. Dated guys like this and yes like mhowe says, it does get old.

[timbercat]

I think I'm a little scared because when we first moved in together, I had no friends, and I moved in with him, 40 miles from where I'd lived before. I worked nights, from 11pm-9am. I'd come home at 9am, crash, and wake up around mid afternoon. 90% of the time he was gone at the golf course already (winter is golf, summer is boating). And he'd come home around 10pm with his golf buddies in tow, while I was getting ready for work, and they'd stay out on the porch smoking and drinking until late into the night. So he was always asleep when I came home and crashed. Meaning 0 time together. On my nights off, he'd almost always come home alone without his buddies, and then claim he was too tired to go anywhere or do anything. IN four months of living with him, we never even so much as went to a movie. I'm new to the area and worked nights so I had no friends and basically sat at home making dinner and waiting on him. I don't really watch tv so I'd play music and do calisthenics.

 

Around the time I bought my house a little over a year ago, he got a shoulder injury and was told to lay off golfing. The summer sucked, with him randomly going out on the boat with no notice and sometimes coming home, sometimes not. But winter's been mostly just the two of us.

 

His shoulder's better now, and it looks like golfing again. And though he's not nearly as close to the golf course as he used to be, I worry about the same thing--lots of "my buddies need to crash here so we can get up for our tee time tomorrow".

[mhowe]

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[timbercat]

Next time simply respond to his text with "Take your time, hun - I'm going to have a bubble bath and an early night I think!". Letting him know for one thing, that you don't mind his freedom and that you are fine doing your own thing will make all the difference. Don't put any expectations on what time he says he is coming home, and when the hour strikes and he anticipates the first "Are you coming home?" text and the excuse he has to give you, only to find there is none - he will start to ponder why you aren't concerned that he isn't there.

 

I agree.... didn't I do okay by just going to bed? I did text him with "sigh" when he told me about the third round of darts. But I didn't stay up for him. I went to bed. I felt like that proved I wasn't worried about when/if he came home.

 

I did used to stay up and furiously confront him when he came home late, or call and text a hundred times asking if he was okay or why he wasn't home.

 

But honestly now these last few months I just turn off my phone when I go to bed on time. I figure he's 35, if he's not okay he can call 911, and I need my sleep--I've had too many midnight phone calls of "hey i'm on the way home in a few...what...what...what're you doing? Hey...hold on.....[voices in background 'til he forgets i'm even on the phone and accidently hangs up]"

 

It's how to act about it the next day that I"m not sure. Last time I was mad at him all day and he got mad at me for BEING mad at him (this was after he told me he was "going out for a quick bite" with his friends "real quick" and then NEVER CAME HOME!!!!).

 

Should I just act like everything's okay? Because It doesn't feel like it is. I feel like I don't matter to him.

[chr8st8na]

ask him to take you to boating every now and then too. your the girlfriend and you guys gotta start doing something both of you can enjoy doing together instead of just sex.

[mhowe]

Sad to say...you don't.

If you disappeared from his life tomorrow....nothing would change for him.

 

I say this because I was you. For too many years. Waste of my time.

[Batya33]

In a way you signed up for this. This is a 35 year old man who still sees getting drunk as a main way to have fun with his friends. It's harder to be reliable when you choose to get drunk that often. And he doesn't want to put in the extra effort. His priority is to keep socializing with people who enjoy drinking to get drunk.

 

Do you want to marry this person? If so what are your plans as far as making that happen? Just trying to get a sense if you're on the same wavelength about commitment. Did you move in together because of marriage plans?

[timbercat]

Batya33;

 

As of right now, marriage is in the very-distant future, but it is talked about every blue moon. The mutual assumtpion is that that's where we're heading.

 

We moved in together in October 2012 after 10 months of dating because my apartment lease was up, he was staying in his grandmother's old house for free, and I was house hunting. I closed on my house in January 2013 and moved out the next day, without him (I was sick of being neglected for golf).

 

He enjoyed several months of staying with me when he felt like it, and in his old house when he felt like it (never giving me any notice of the situation of course--sometimes he was home, sometimes he wasn't. Sometimes he called, sometimes he didn't). Oh and 95% of the time his phone always magically "died" on the golf course so he "couldn't" tell me he was going out afterwards. Last summer, I was sick of it and broke up with him over it, dumping all of his stuff in his garage and changing my lock. He went nuts and promised to change and to stay with me full-time and keep me in the loop.

 

I mean 90% of the time he does at least shoot me an "I'm okay, just staying out late" text.

 

I just resent being kept out of the loop until the last minute, and being asked to go out of my way to get food only to not have him follow through on his side of the deal.

[timbercat]

ask him to take you to boating every now and then too. your the girlfriend and you guys gotta start doing something both of you can enjoy doing together instead of just sex.

 

He actually gets upset that I won't go on the boat.... I have a medical condition that's rather embarassing. But basically I can't risk being away from a bathroom for such an extended period of time......

 

I've never given him a hard time about going out boating, just about coming home several hours after sunset, or not at all, after boating.

[mona123456]

I completely agree that being kept "out of the loop until last minute" is a problem. He definitely could have mentioned it to you, and he should consider that you drive an hour or so to spend time with him. Anybody would be mad, my ex and i had problems with this and it never got solved, i just was never a priority for him and he never changed his ways (despite him knowing it was a problematic thing between us). I think this is an important issue that should be addressed in the relationship and i know it may be hard but you probably should think if you can keep up with this.

[pl3asehelp]

I've never been in a relationship where it wasn't just a given you let your partner know where you are and when you'll be home. I think he doesn't respect or value you. I'm sure he SAYS heloves you but I don't see it at all. Empty words. His actions towards you are atrocious. He's probably also an alcoholic drinking so much still at that age.

 

Could be into drugs. Most people that are still partying this hard at this age are.

 

This relationship sounds totally out of balance and he certainly has you in your place.

[timbercat]

I'm a little hesitant to open up this can of worms in this post, but on the very rare occasion (like, 3 times in the last 2 years) that I do go out without him, I have gotten the 5th degree for days or even weeks afterwards. Each time, he has been invited along, and I have had my phone on and answered when he called. And each time he's acted distrustful afterwards and demanded to know why I needed to be out so late.

 

A) About a year ago, I asked if he wanted to go to ladies night at a local bar (ladies drink free from 8pm-10pm) and he said "No i'm done drinking 'til this weekend i've drank so much the last few days." I shrugged and said "okay cool, see you later, callme if you change your mind." I went out and played games on the gaming machines, drinking water after 10 to sober up, and talked to random people and came home around midnight. He asked me multiple times a day for the next week why I was gone for two whole hours past ladies' night specials.

 

B) I went to a bar crawl a few weeks ago with a new female friend. I invited him along, and even bought him a ticket, and he declined, deciding instead to go boating with his friend. He called me 3 times while I was out and I answered each time, inviting him to join us, and he declined, saying he was too drunk to drive. I texted him a few times letting him know I was having fun and wished he was there. The next morning he demanded to know if I had anything to tell him, and wanting to know about my friend, if she was straight or gay, if she was single or not. First he said "look, I can tell she's gay, and that this was more than just hanging out," and then I said "that's weird, because she just broke up with her boyfriend..." and he said 'Oh that's just great! now she's going to be hitting on all sorts of dudes adn you're going ot be with her--drunk! I don't like it!" I reminded him that he'd been invited and he said "whatever. I dont' like it, and now you know that i don't like it."

 

C) The same friend and i went out to wine down wednedays (ladies sample unlimited wines for $15 until close) aroudn the corner from my house and once again I invited him and he said "I might make it out there". then didn't come out. He called once and I answered and assured him we were enjoying ourselves, and invited him again, and he said he wasn't going to make it and told me to have fun. After I got home at 10:45pm, he said "where have you been???"and i said "at the restaurant where i told you i was...." and he said "so you just sat there and TALKED for over 4 hours????" and I said "ummm..yes? You were invited so if you were so worried you could have driven your happy @$$ on over and checked up on me." He gave me a distrustful look and said "okay, if you say so."

 

And thus the hesitation to make last-minute plans without him, such as going to the theme park alone.