Am I in denial, crazy or just going through normal feelings? Please help!!!

[happygolucky19]

I broke up with my husband because of a number of factors. These included:

 

- He was possessive and gave me no space

- I felt I didn't love him

- His friends were of shady personalities..cheating on their partners etc

- I did not trust him fully

- Overall I was unhappy for about a year and just couldn't go on

 

 

Now they to me seem like really good reasons to break up with somebody so I did. I tried to be honest with him and break up with him in an acceptable respectful manner, told him I didn't love him so he could get closure etc.

 

Approx 3 months after our break up I found out through a friend he was dating somebody else. Since then I have been extremely upset. I don't want to get back with him because I know its not right. But why am I obsessing about him and his new girlfriend so much?? Am I in denial about loving him or are these obbsessive thoughts normal? Its been approx 7 months since we broke up. Any advice from people who have been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou. x

[RainyCoast]

It bothers you because it's just another blow to your sense of worth. As in, you tried being the best possible partner and he disrespected that with low morals and possessiveness etc and now some chick comes along and you're thinking she'll be treated like a freaking queen. If it makes you feel any better, she won't. Either she's a lowlife who's compatible with his primitiveness and they'll be shady and jealous together or she's normal but naive and will pack her stuff as soon as she realizes who she's dealing with. Either way, it'll be a lousy relationship because he's capable of nothing better, nothing to envy there hun.

When i broke up with a similar guy I really did my best to forget about it and move on and work on myself and all but there were still moments when I remembered how he would fire at me and it made me wanna cry because I really was being a very good partner, as in, why does he think I deserve to be treated like that etc. I heard rumors about him being on dating sites and some whacko chick staying over at his place often and even though I wouldn't even touch him with a stick I felt further humiliated because he was "appreciative of a bimbo whereas I was nothing" etc. I rationalized that people like him appreciate no one and cannot be in healthy relationships and that sometimes helped and other times it didn't. It passed with time, I stopped giving a darn and was happy to be working on my own life. It turned out later his attempts at dating were miserable, the chicks were the lowest of low lives you could find, drunken, drugged annoying lying cheating ones and he admitted himself he was desperate to find someone after the break up because he realized he had ruined the only good thing ever. He apologized a million times for having acted like he did and repeatedly stated he's fully aware of having been an *** and remorseful about that even many years after the break up. My point being not that your ex will come to his senses and realize what he's ruined- most of them don't. But that

-your worth is not diminished by his opinion or choices

-good riddance of bad rubbish

-his new girlfriend is very likely quite horrible and he knows it, but he can't do better because the sane ones stay away from him.

It's your chance to work on your sense of self-worth and recognize that someone's inability to appreciate a good woman makes THEM unfit for love. Whereas you'll heal and form happy, healthy relationships again. This girl is just a reminder that others can still make you feel inferior. Just remember it takes a good guy to recognize a good woman. Do something to feel good about yourself and something that reminds you that you've taken a better, healthier direction in your life.

[offplanet]

Even if you no longer love someone it's still a blow to feel that they got over you so quickly. It's not that you want him back or made the wrong decision it's just that you would feel better if he seemed to care more. It's still hurtful to think he doesn't care much. That's understandable. Anyway it shows that you did the right thing.

[happygolucky19]

Thanks guys. Its great to get some opinions about the matter. Greatly appreciate the time you took to reply. :snowman:

[Mister Jones]

I used to have a motorcycle. I bought the motorcycle with a great deal of damage to the body and the engine. I spent about 3 hours a day working on it for just under a year. I had a lot of great times on that motorcycle, but eventually I just didn't feel the same way about it as in the beginning. We didn't go out as much as we used to, I didn't spend much time in the garage with it as before. We were just growing separate. Eventually I decided to sell her. I did not regret selling her, but it was still very hard seeing her go. For some time after that, I would see her out and about with her new owner, and I would always feel a ping of jealousy.

 

Now I know my story of the motorcycle is a stretch, but I hope it holds some sort of correlation. You were attached, you spent a great deal of time with him, and you would be fooling yourself to claim that you have no feelings for this man. Yes, they have changed, and enough that the relationship simply would not work, but still this man was a major part of your life. I would assume that you probably had some amazing times with him at some point, you did marry him after all. This, along with the fact that you grew accustomed to having exclusive rights to him. No other woman had those rights. Certainly it will be difficult to drop all of that and simply forget that it ever existed.

 

My ex wife and I have a child together, so we still are in contact. We are actually very good friends. We divorced because we weren't happy together anymore, and recognized that if we kept going that way, we were going to destroy any possibility of a friendship. I married my best friend, and I managed to keep my best friend in the divorce. I lost my ability to deal with the unhappiness brewing between us before she did. I found myself happy to be at a job that I hated and dreading walking in the house. She was also unhappy, and probably feeling a lot of the same things as I. After we split, it took me a very short amount of time to find someone else, and I know that knowing that I have found someone else is very hard for her. Even being in a relationship, having been the one to call it off, and being over a year and a half separated and 6 months divorced, I still find myself with a ping of jealousy when I overhear conversations about her latest attraction. It seems unreasonable, but emotions are a funny thing.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, you are not feeling anything unreasonable. Emotions that may have been dormant for sometime, overshadowed by the relief of having done the right thing, have a tendency of peeking out their ugly heads when news of a new girlfriend/boyfriend emerges. I suppose it is that realization that it is truly over. Or perhaps just a reminder of things that were, once upon a time. The thought that maybe this girl is going to get the best of him. Just remember that you got the best of him too. The best of him, the worst of him, all of him. What and who he was, turned out to be different than what you needed and wanted. Whether what and who he is turns out to be what his new girl needs doesn't matter because it is not what you need. Now you are free to continue pursuing exactly what you want and need, and that is what you deserve.

 

~Mister Jones

[waffle]

Sounds like a case of "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either."

 

Let him have his happiness.

[happygolucky19]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. U pretty much hit the nail on the head about emotions being a funny thing!! That they are! Hearing other peoples experiences such as yours and the other posts on this thread is so helpful at the moment. Thanks again

[happygolucky19]

Its not that I don't want him to have his happiness....trust me... I am still doing things for him at the moment that ensure he keeps his happiness in terms of money etc.....He wouldn't even be able to see a new girl if it wasn't for me and my funding. I am more concerned with the feelings I am having and if they are normal or not. I guess Im just worried if I made the right decision breaking up with him because it still hurts. I do in my heart of hearts no we are not meant to be and do wish him all the best in the future. Everyone deserves to be happy.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe you resent the fact that he's using money from you to enjoy dating someone else. I can understand that.

[Mister Jones]

It sounds to me as though you care for him a great deal, and that makes sense. Those feelings aren't going to go away, nor should they. The relationship didn't work, but that doesn't make either one of you bad people. It just means that you just may not be the best people for each other. The tricky part is that you may have once been best for each other. The fact that such has changed is not a negative reflection on either of you. People change over time and sometimes we change into something that isn't compatible with what was once perfect for us.

 

It also seems as though your feelings of doubt come from the idea of "if she can be happy with him then why the hell can't I? Maybe I shouldn't have let him go." For the same reasons as mentioned above, this reasoning is flawed. I believe it is healthy that you still care for him, but you must remember that just because someone else can be happy with who he is now, doesn't mean that you can. And if you can't be happy in a relationship with him, then it does a disservice to you to pursue such. Also, remember that him being a great guy, does not make him a great guy for you.

 

It is very big of you to continue to be there for him and I think that is great. Be sure; however, that as you help him financially that it is for the right reasons. Also, be sure, that as he accepts your help that it is also for the right reasons. I'm not suggesting you be suspicious, but certainly that you be cautious.

[happygolucky19]

Mister Jones I would love to get your opinion on some other factors as your words are very helpful at this time. Do you think it was unreasonable for him to date a person so quickly after our break up and also for him to continue coming to my house and telling me that he was not seeing people? I'm really hurt by that. I feel as if his dishonestly highlights that what I did in breaking up with him was the right decision because if I hadn't found out through friends (that he was seeing somebody else) he would have never told me and continued to get support from me.

 

He claims that he didn't want to hurt me. I feel that finding out through friends was probably the most hurtful way to find out. I feel alot of resentment towards him at this time and are not on speaking terms with him.....yet I am continuing to help him financially until our agreed date just so I can walk away knowing I did everything with integrity. To be honest I don,t feel as if he deserves my help at all.

[Mister Jones]

Happy,

Sorry it took so long to reply. I don't think that it is necessarily unreasonable for him to have started dating so soon. It is actually pretty common for a guy to move fairly quickly, fresh out of a break up. I do question the motive behind being dishonest about it. On the one hand it is possible that he simply did not want to hurt you further by revealing that he has so quickly moved on. On the other hand, he could have been seeing this person prior to your break-up, and for this reason did not tell you about her. There are of course many other potential reasons as well. Regardless, there are no reasons, that I can think of, that actually justify dishonesty. I don't think; however, that you should allow yourself to become too caught up on the fact that he is dating someone else, and how quickly he did so. The question you need to answer for yourself is, where do you want to see your relationship end up, and is it worth the effort that will no doubt be required to get there. If friendship is what you truly desire, you must proceed knowing that, with him, it is going to take no less work than an intimate relationship would. The dishonesty, regardless of the reasoning, is to me a very big red flag, especially since it exists even after the relationship is over. It may be time to fulfill what you committed to and move forward. It sounds like you may be considering that already. We all react differently, we all have different tolerances, but for myself, I find zero room for any level of dishonesty and such being displayed would cause me to walk away. You must determine where your tolerance is, and respond accordingly.

 

How are you doing in other aspects of life? It is hard, no doubt, to keep things like this from consuming your every waking moment, but remember that you left because you were unhappy. Make sure that your focus for the future is on your happiness and not on the unhappiness that is now your past.

 

~Mister Jones

[happygolucky19]

Thanks Mister Jones, you pretty much just spell out how I am viewing the whole situation. Its just great to get a like minded persons opinion.

 

Others aspects of my life actually are going really well. It is just that ever-present feeling left from the though of him with another person, that I guess is normal, like you said, does pretty much consume alot of my head space in a day.

 

Im with you when it comes to dishonesty. It will never sit with me. Funnily enough I never trusted the guy...deep down. So I guess my gut instinct was pretty spot on.

 

Thnks so much for your time in responding. I cant thank you enough for your previous posts. Good Luck to you and all the best!!!