sharples2 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I have been currently been dating this girl for the past month. We are both into each other and will eventually be in a long term relationship. Two months ago, I ended up hooking up with a girl I knew very briefly. We were talking but for a week or two and the first time we ended up seeing each other, I was very drunk and got her pregnant. She called me two weeks ago and told me she was pregnant and was upset. We both talked about it and decided that raising a kid was not in the best intentions. We made an appointment with planned parent hood and I will be driving her in the next few days. She still talks to me like I am dating her and I only reply as if it was a friend and keep it very brief. I feel as though I am a prisioner until she is no longer pregnant. I do not know if she is the type of girl that if I mentioned that I am not interest in her like she is in me, then she may keep the baby thinking that we will be together and I do not dare tell her about my girlfriend. My dilema is that I care about the girl I am dating and do not know if I should tell her about what I got myself into. I do not want anything to do with the girl I hooked up with 2 months ago (1 month prior to me meeting my current girlfriend). As soon as she abortion is done, I am loosing all contact with the "hookup". I don't want to feel like I am hiding something from the girl I am dating, but is it really important for her to know? Or am I better off taking care of the situation and moving on? What are your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 difficult, tell her, AFTER the fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jak3 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 What are your thoughts? Bury this one deep down. Like really deep. There's no reason to tell your girlfriend unless she catches on to you sneaking around. Then you tell her. If she's none the wiser then let sleeping dogs lie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emma34 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I would not tell her. Talk to a friend or a family member if you need to, but keep the current gf out of it. She doesn't need to know now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 You absolutely need to tell your new love interest. You are still entangled with your ex or hook up and should not just treat it as "i drove her there, i am done." The emotions you may feel about this event might not be something you can predict right now. The reason why you don't want to tell her is you feel she will judge you or dump you. The pain will be much worse if you end up dating and she finds out 6 months, a year, 2 years later. She will lose all trust with you in that you hid something so big from her or you exhibit strange behavior. The other issue is your sexual style. If she is the type to reserve sex for marriage or at least a long term exclusive relationship and you so very recently were involved in "hook ups", she may decide that you view sex very differently and may not want to continue with you. I say be totally honest and give this young woman the choice to be with you or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharples2 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I just don't want to feel like I am sneaking around or I am doing something wrong. I can't stand being in contact with the "hookup" but I feel like I am forced to until she is no longer pregnant. I don't even text her. I only reply with small talk if she does text me in order to not piss her off. It costs $550 and I am forking up more than half so I am going to drive her there. It is just going to be awkward for me to have to do this. We are going Monday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emma34 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I am putting myself in new girlfriends shoes. do I like that u r talking to your ex and under these circumstances? No, but it really isn't my business and you aren't doing anything wrong...you aren't hooking up with her, you are just talking to her over an issue. It's not inappropriate contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I just don't want to feel like I am sneaking around or I am doing something wrong. I can't stand being in contact with the "hookup" but I feel like I am forced to until she is no longer pregnant. I don't even text her. I only reply with small talk if she does text me in order to not piss her off. It costs $550 and I am forking up more than half so I am going to drive her there. It is just going to be awkward for me to have to do this. We are going Monday. Sorry you feel awkward. Awkwardness can be avoided next time with condoms...or deciding not to date until situations like this are fully handled. Sorry i guess I am the only person who thinks that honesty is best, especially if you are serious about this girl that you are dating now. Give her the choice whether to continue to date you right now. It is not a matter of "oooh, he is still talking to his ex". This is a little bigger than that. If I started dating my boyfriend and two weeks in he was driving another girl to get an abortion, it would be over. That second. She deservese the choice to take a break, or at least know who she is getting involved with. if she asks you directly what you did that day or if you ever had a pregnancy issue or a child, then you need to be honest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Personally, I would tell the person I am dating. If this "hook up" is already talking to you like she thinks you are dating. What do you think could happen in say a week after the abortion is done and all that emotional turmoil that goes along with it most of the time comes up and she finds out you've been dating your g/f the whole time and you were avoiding her on purpose and decides to tell your girlfriend herself and this all backfires on you. Best to just come clean dude, no point in hiding it. Say I made a mistake BEFORE I met you, got really drunk and hooked up with some girl. I didn't date her, there was no feelings it was just a hook up. She messaged me last week or 2 weeks ago and told me she just found out she is pregnant. She has decided to terminate it so I am going to take her to the clinic for support since it is my fault as well that she is pregnant and that will be the end of it. -- emphasize the BEFORE, how drunk you were and that it was 100% a mistake and they you are telling her this because you think she deserves to know but its the right thing to do. Tell her you care about her deeply and hopes that she can understand. If your current g/f is mature, she will understand where you are coming from and appreciate the honesty of the situation, instead of sneaking around behind her back to hide it from her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 If your current g/f is mature, she will understand where you are coming from and appreciate the honesty of the situation, instead of sneaking around behind her back to hide it from her. It is not immature for her to not want to date him with the new information. Heck, she is entitled to be disappointed about this. What would not be mature is if she said it was "okay' and then continued with you and constantly brought it up. You have to be willing to accept the consequences and it is really better to get it over with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisUnderstood9 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 It is not immature for her to not want to date him with the new information. Heck, she is entitled to be disappointed about this. What would not be mature is if she said it was "okay' and then continued with you and constantly brought it up. You have to be willing to accept the consequences and it is really better to get it over with. I personally would rather know that this is all going on then to have some physco chick come up to me at a bar or whatever and tell me "oh at the beginning of your relationship, your bf came with me to get an abortion and the kid was his-- just thought i'd let u know". He has already said that this "hook-up" is talking to him like she is his g/f.. if she thinks this way and he is afraid that she would try and keep the baby if she knew about the g/f to try n get them to be together... it's in his best interest to let this girl who is his ACTUAL g/f know what the heck is going on or this could ALL blow up in face his later on down the road. After you've come clean, its really your g/f choice on what she does. But its better to be honest now then it blow up in your face in a month or 2 months or 6 months from now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Get it over and done with, and then tell the new girlfriend. Similar to ending a relationship fully before starting another one. While she does need to know, there's no point in putting her through the added anxiety while this is still going on. If you keep quiet about it, you never know what will happen in the future; who your hookup partner will tell, and if it'll all blow up in your face. Your new girlfriend may or may not want to date you right now, with this knowledge. But you can GUARANTEE that if this issue returns to bite you at some time in the future, and you'd kept it from her, that really will put paid to everything. And you may have a lot more to lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharples2 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 From the night we hooked up until she sent me that text saying she is pregnant, she would text me and call me hun, ask me how my day is going ect. That was the whole extent. Never really talked about dating or anything serious. The girl that I hooked up with lives 4 hours away in another state so the chance that the two of them would ever bump into each other is slim to none. Maybe I should wait until after we go to the clinic to have the conversation with the "hookup" that the whole night was a mistake and that I don't have feelings at all and we should go our separate ways? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharples2 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 And when I say separate ways I mean no longer speak to one another and not as if we were "together" at any point these past two months Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 From the night we hooked up until she sent me that text saying she is pregnant, she would text me and call me hun, ask me how my day is going ect. That was the whole extent. Never really talked about dating or anything serious. The girl that I hooked up with lives 4 hours away in another state so the chance that the two of them would ever bump into each other is slim to none. Maybe I should wait until after we go to the clinic to have the conversation with the "hookup" that the whole night was a mistake and that I don't have feelings at all and we should go our separate ways? I think you should come clean with the new girl. I don't think the ex is a psycho - she honestly believes where she stands with you. And you have done nothing to convince her otherwise. If i slept with a guy and we kept communicating and texted every day about our days, I would assume there was something there. If there wasn't, you would have stopped answering her messages or when she called you "hun" you would have set her straight. It seems like she was nice to have until you met someone else. I also think that you are only wanting to be honest if it is the easiest path only. Well, you will find the longer you lie or hide things, you will soon forget where you said you were the days you were with your ex having an abortion or other things and that is when it bites you. So - like i said before, come clean with the new girl because she is right there with you and give the ex her due - be there for her and don't not just because you are trying to sneak around so new girl won't find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 And when I say separate ways I mean no longer speak to one another and not as if we were "together" at any point these past two months So, you guys are going to walk out of the clinic and say "btw, bye bye?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Yes, this is something you need to discuss with your girlfriend, rather than it be a case of "pay now, or pay later." This is a heavy load to carry, and the chances of this rising to the surface in some way, shape of form is a gamble you don't want to take. Also, this is not related to your question, but I find it disturbing when you refer to the other girl as 'the hookup." I think she deserves more respect than what you're giving her, after all she was good enough for you to get naked with, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Also, this is not related to your question, but I find it disturbing when you refer to the other girl as 'the hookup." I think she deserves more respect than what you're giving her, after all she was good enough for you to get naked with, right? Yep. And he is just dismissing her - wants things neatly ended so that he can be with the new girl with no consequences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharples2 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 I don't mean "hookup" as anything negative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I don't think the ex is a psycho - she honestly believes where she stands with you. And you have done nothing to convince her otherwise. If i slept with a guy and we kept communicating and texted every day about our days, I would assume there was something there. If there wasn't, you would have stopped answering her messages or when she called you "hun" you would have set her straight. It seems like she was nice to have until you met someone else. Umm, I am surprised nobody has really emphasized this but ... I think it is CRUEL for you to have a girl who clearly thinks you have something going on and for you to basically string her along. Waiting until she gets an abortion before you drop her is immature and cold. I say be honest with them both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I vote for you telling her new girlfriend what's happening and let the consequences be what they will be. I won't give you a lecture on unprotected sex, because well you see the consequences. I say you should tell her, because if this gets back to her one way or another sooner or later then she's going to be really angry. And the consequences will be so much worse than they are now. Tell her, go deal with the issue since whether you like it or not you did get the other girl pregnant, and be willing to handle whatever happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misslexie Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I would tell her. If she is the right girl for you then she should be understanding toward the situation and know that you didn't plan for this to happen. She will be very confused and upset at first thinking of you with another girl and that you now could be stuck with her, but she shouldn't be jealous knowing it was before you ever met her and that you picked her and want nothing to do with this other woman. You're going to need a support system by your side and hiding this fact from her is going to drive you crazy and make you extremely paranoid. Tell her, open up to her and express how much you screwed up and how much you hate yourself for such a stupid idea, your vulnerability will touch her sensitive side and she will want to nurture you and tell you that it will work out and that the problem will be solved soon. You can't start so early of a relationship on lies. Especially not a huge one such as this. She will find out eventually, you'll want to confess it to her months or years down the line and by that point she will be enraged that you kept something like that from her and didn't trust that she would stick by your side. This is also a huge test of what kind of women she truly is and how much you and your new relationship means to her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Di84 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Honestly, I think you should just not tell her this for now. This happened before she was in the picture and it's not like you cheated on her. When is the hookup planning on fixing this? Hopefully very soon... and by very soon, I mean by next week. I think if you really like this girl, you need to not tell her this. Some would say it's sneaky but if i were the girl, I would rather not know this. It has nothing to do with me and you didn't sleep with the girl while you were with me. If you did that while you were dating, then yes tell her. But this was a month before her and you've only been dating this girl for ONE MONTH. But I mean, if in a month from now this is still not resolved, then you'd need to tell her this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfan Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 The person I truly feel for in this scenario is the girl who is pregnant with your child, and having to go through an abortion as well as the way you are treating her. You don't want to be with the "hookup"? Fine...but you should be honest with her as soon as possible. Don't wait until after the abortion. It won't make it easier for her one way or the other. You are speaking about this woman as if she is nothing more than an "inconvenience" or barrier between you and what you really want (ie. the new girl). Have you stopped for even one second to consider what she might be going through? How she might be feeling about this? An abortion (for some) is an incredibly traumatic experience. You might think you are "doing your part" by driving her there and paying for it, but she is the one who is going to be having the life inside her ended. She is the one whose body is going to go through that. She is the one who is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. It's easy to be remote about it. After all, it's not YOUR body, but it is YOUR child she is aborting. I am not saying her decision is not the right one to make, but have you even stopped to consider how she might feel about it? You also don't seem to be fairly bothered by the fact that the child is yours. In that respect it's probably a good thing she is making this decision. As for the new girl, you need to tell her. If she is going to "judge you", she deserves to have ALL the facts and the facts as they stand are that you hooked up with a girl you barely knew, didn't use protection, and then when she got pregnant did your "duty" by driving her to the clinic so she could get rid of the evidence...oh and then dumped her and left her to deal with the aftermath alone. I would want to know that if it were me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Honestly, I think you should just not tell her this for now. This happened before she was in the picture and it's not like you cheated on her. When is the hookup planning on fixing this? Hopefully very soon... and by very soon, I mean by next week. I think if you really like this girl, you need to not tell her this. Some would say it's sneaky but if i were the girl, I would rather not know this. It has nothing to do with me and you didn't sleep with the girl while you were with me. If you did that while you were dating, then yes tell her. But this was a month before her and you've only been dating this girl for ONE MONTH. But I mean, if in a month from now this is still not resolved, then you'd need to tell her this. This is so huge. Its not like an ex wished him a happy birthday and they chatted longer than they should or something while starting to date someone else. Its not like winning $500 in the lottery and deciding not to tell your new love interest that you have been dating just 2 weeks. If I was your girl, I would WANT to know this to find out what kind of character you had and if I wanted to continue dating you. I would be a little leery that my guy did not tell me this to give me the option of staying or going and i would take into account how dismissively he is treating the other young woman - like an unfortunate loose end who he has not even broken up with yet. If he doesn't process anything or experience any inner struggle or time to process anything - even if he agrees with the decision - just so he can keep me around - then I question how he would treat me in turn. I know you want this new girl to like you - but how can she respect someone who is not honest with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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