My significant other supports others while neglecting her own well-being

[mhill524]

My fiancé and I both have eating disorders along with other mental issues. Right now she's really starting to struggle with her PTSD and eating disorder again. I noticed for awhile now that she tends to try and support others far too much while neglecting her own condition and downplaying her own struggles. She's on Facebook literally all day long commenting on friends' struggling posts and in support groups offering whatever she can to help others. She writes snail mail to 20 or 30 different people, most of which struggle with mental and physical issues like this. All this time I sit here and it kills me to see how much she cares for others, but disregards herself so much. I guess I'm just posting to ask for advice on how to cope with the fact that she is the way she is or even for advice on how I can try to get through to her about how the degree she's doing all of these things is a bit excessive. I've brought it to her attention before, but nothing seemed to come of it. She seems to acknowledge it, but nothing more. I'm glad that's she cares about others, don't get me wrong, but I also believe that there comes a point where it becomes a bit much. Any advice on what to do or how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

[mhowe]

How is she neglecting HER well being?

 

Or is it you she is neglecting?

[Seraphim]

I swear I could be that person. I have PTSD as well. I ignored my condition for 35 years and I ran around helping others. This inevitably leads to a very severe crash. That severe crash happened to me a year and a half ago. I was in a condition that almost required hospitalization. I have been in therapy for a year and a half now and I have just got back to the place where I would call myself functional.

 

You need to sit her down and impress upon her the fact that she is going to crash and when she does it's going to require a lot more energy to get back up.

 

Also the running from place to place helping so many people is a distraction from dealing with yourself. It is a distraction so that you don't have to deal with your own issues. Not dealing with your issues though does not make them go away.

[oitnb]

the others she sends snail mail to, is it supportive of there struggles or "pro ana/mia/ect"? I know that's becoming a disturbing trend and could be very detrimental to her recovery.

[mhill524]

mhowe - she's letting her eating disorder creep back in while neglecting to acknowledge and combat it.

Victoria66 - She's continually made progress at certain points, but then once she begins focusing more on others again it seems that she falls right back to where she began. She's semi-functional now, but worse off then a few months ago where most things related to her PTSD were a nonissue. She's been at a point where she's be so bad off that panic attacks would come multiple times a day, but thankfully we're not at that point. She's been in the hospital many times for bipolar depressive episodes and a handful for her eating disorder (as have I. I have an eating disorder, but no PTSD). Whenever she works on the PTSD her eating disorder gets worse and whenever she works on the eating disorder the PTSD gets worse since the weight connects to the PTSD. She seems to still be at a point where she's not fully ready to deal with herself entirely, though she's been in trauma/eating disorder therapy for years.

 

Bah2013 - The people she writes to are people she is supporting. She would never in any way encourage pro anything. She makes that clear to all those she supports. I just see it as more distraction from dealing with herself though.

 

Seeing all of it just kills me because she is such a wonderful person and I want her to be able to see the good and the beauty that she sees in everyone else in herself.

[Seraphim]

Your posts just speak to my heart. A lot of your post just reminds me so much of myself. I am glad you have been a wonderful support to her and to each other.

 

Encourage her to talk about how she distracts herself in therapy. Have her to talk with her therapist about how she helps others. I talk a lot with my therapist about that same issue. We have worked a lot on attaining proper boundaries. Proper boundaries for other people and proper boundaries for myself. Your significant other is not placing proper boundaries for herself. She is not protecting herself with proper boundaries. Maybe you could bring up a discussion about that.