Pickup Artist Methods Are Not Working On an Old Crush

[Collegeguy]

For the past couple of years I started trying to be a pickup artist. The pickup artist’s methods and techniques have worked wonders for me. The number and quality of women in my life is just unbelievable now. I always do the same routine (of course calibrated to the situation and girl) and it always has worked. But things aren't working as usual with this specific girl.

Recently, I ran into an old crush of mine from college. She actually put the moves on me back then and a couple times after school too. I never capitalized on her because I was in relationships. I was a shy guy back then and she is gorgeous. But this time it was all systems go. We started texting and met up for drinks. I used all the techniques and everything I learned and it really seemed like she was in love with me. She gave me a ton of indicators of interest and it seemed like she was chasing me. We went outside and I tried to close her by telling her I wanted to show her a project I was working on for my store. She said she couldn't because it was late, but that she wants to see me again. We couldn't decide on a date because our schedules, but I told her I would let her know. I put her in the cab and again she tells me to let her know when I want to hang out again.

I text her a day later to tell her I had a great time and to schedule our next date. She doesn't respond for a whole day. She does respond first thing the day after saying she couldn't make the day I suggested but asks if we could do another time that week and wants to know my plans for St. Patrick’s Day. I respond, on my time of course, but again she doesn't respond. It seems like she’s taking “the power” from me. And I don’t know if it’s just because we have a history together or maybe something else. I really don’t think I missed interpreted our night together, so I don’t know what it could be. I usually don't over think these things, but I think its the missed opportunity that's not letting me think clearly. Does it seem like shes losing interest by waiting to respond to me, is it in my head, or are we done?

[Moontiger]

Sigh, PUA, really?

 

These scams only work on certain kinds of woman. Plus, it starts any relationship on lies because you are not being yourself. This woman you have a crush on seems strong, independent, with her own life. Drop the act and be your real self. That's what a quality woman looks for.

[Mercurial Girl]

you "never capitalized on her"?

 

I think you're clearly the victim of your own game. Whether or not it's her who has turned the tables on you (realized you were "PUAing" or just got the d-bag vibe) or you playing tricks on your own mind, I don't know.

 

Either way, she can't be that interested if she's taking so long to respond. A text truly takes a few minutes. Maybe she was interested the night of, but on cooling off and reflecting she thought you weren't the guy for her. Maybe with some space and reflection she realized that you were pulling PUA moves on her. You know, the whole PUA uhhh.. community? has a really big mouth and it's become really easy to spot one of you these days.

[cryingalways]

I think anyone who talks about relationships in terms like they are a "pick up artist" and "I tried to close her" is horrible. Maybe she found out you use these terms and so has lost interest.

 

Life is not about a process that works every time. Relationships are certainly not about a process that works every time. That objectify's people and makes it all about "winning" rather than having a relationship. This is why you are annoyed you can not get this girl. Because you want "the power".

 

I suggest you work on yourself and learn what makes you think about women/relationships this way. There's a good chance I know you'll ignore this but I am saying this for your own good so you can not be worried about "the power" anymore and free to make mistakes and be truly intimate with another person.

[Roxie84]

Maybe try being yourself and dropping the PUA stuff. No self-respecting "quality" woman wants to be picked up using techniques taught by the almighty d-bags. Moreover, the decent women will be able to see through it.

[Collegeguy]

Everyone, I get it...now in hindsight. I don't want to do the PUA stuff with her anymore and for the most part I was myself. I don't just want to pick her up, I actually like her and want a relationship with her. She did respond to me on her time and followed-up wanting to know more on my plans. I hope it's not over. I'm done with the PUA stuff. There's something here I know it. Our history and just the way we act with each other shows it. But the ball is in her court and I don't want to have missed another opportunity.What can I do now?

[milly007]

All I have to say is "wow". What goes around, comes around, so don't be surprised if this game playing comes around to bite you in the butt.

[Roxie84]

Well it all seems logical - you used PUA techniques to get women because you didn't know how to pick up women before. I am not being judgmental (as much as the idea of PUA techniques makes me twitch).

 

People tell us to "just be ourselves" when dating, not because it is a learned cliche. They say it because when you put on a different face and take on a new persona, the real you eventually comes out and the relationship dissolves from there. As such, "he showed his true colors."

 

Just be your usual, positive, confident self! Take interest in her life, ask her about the things she enjoys, and offer subtle flattery where it is warranted.

 

At the end of the day, there is no rule or script that promises we can have anyone we want. If a connection is there, it is worth taking risks and making efforts. If the key connection isn't there, then it is simply impossible to pick the lock.

 

I know you like her, but if she isn't interested, you just can't force it.

[ParisPaulette]

No one thing is going to work on everyone, we're human beings and we can't all be shoved into one category remember? That said maybe she just has a life that doesn't entail chasing and hanging around for a guy to pick a date with her. Maybe she's got so many guys banging on her door and a full life on top of that, that she doesn't really have the time for you. Or maybe she just saw you coming a mile away and thought, "Oh H no, I'm going to have some fun with this."

 

And anything that reeks of a used car salesman "going in for the close" should be banned period no matter what you're selling. The minute my radar picks that up on anything I am gone, because the last thing I need is another salesman hustling me no matter what they're selling. She may feel the same. Or she may just really be busy, have a life and you're going to have to wait and see if she can make time for you.

[nutbrownhare]

I very much doubt she's being as calculating as you are, but a quality woman may well sense that something's a bit "off" and back away from it. A lot of our communication happens below the radar, and it could well be that what you describe as 'techniques and methods' will only work with women who are content to be treated as conquests.

 

'Put the moves on you'... yuk. I doubt it.

 

Another explanation is that not everyone enters relationships as a game to be won or lost, and are actually sincere in their words and actions. Sometimes this might be the same words and actions as a PUA - it's quite OK to want to show someone a project you're working on, especially if it's something you're really enthusiastic about - but the intention is totally different.

 

Whatever, it sounds as though you're far more into her than she is into you. There's still time for her to get in touch about St Patrick's Day, so I wouldn't sweat that one, but the fact that you deliberately leave long intervals ('on my time, of course') will have conveyed the message that you're playing it cool and are not overly interested. Some people will then chase you to maintain the relationship; you've probably found this. Others, however, will take it as a message that you're not overly interested = not that into them = not someone to get emotionally invested in. Particularly people who would rather be open and honest in their interactions and assume that you are too.

[Ms Darcy]

Sounds like the player got played. What goes around comes around.

[Collegeguy]

 

'Put the moves on you'... yuk. I doubt it.

 

 

Yes, I don't believe it either. Her moves on me were obvious back in the day. Several of her friends told me she really likes me and she told mutual friends she likes me. From everything I know and experienced, I did not have a better date than that in my entire life. Which is why I'm confused. I've been thinking this whole thing should have been a slam dunk since she already liked me in the past and was willing to go on our date. Everything seemed perfect, even her waiting to text me a day later was fine because she still escalated the conversation. The same thing is going on, waiting another day for her response, its nothing new, but now I'm just doubting everything.

[Furbys]

You've been played at your own game. Hopefully you will now realize how horrible it is to be in this position and remember the people you have done this too. Not nice is it?

[cryingalways]

Relationships don't work as "slam dunks". They are a gradual getting to know one another, things that are worth anything do not begin as a "slam dunk". That would be an unreal expectation for someone to jump into your arms and say they love you from the start. Do you want a girlfriend? The way you word it you just want to "get her" which sounds like sleep with her. I don't think that is what you want alone though but it's the idea of "getting her" which you should loose. Enjoy each others company not getting a conquest or possessing a person. It makes you sound insecure that you need to "get her".

 

You don't want to be insecure in this way. I think I have suffered s similar thing so I can relate. Just be yourself and don't worry too much about her. If you did get her I don't know that you'd be so interested either. It's all about the chase. You are dealing with some emotional problems through getting validation in "getting" women. That means you are not actually going to find a proper relationship whilst in this mind space.

 

I don't want to sound mean, I only say all this because I can relate like I said.

 

However I would never use pick up artist stuff or the terms you have but hey you sound like you've accepted that's a bad thing largely so good for you.

[Rosti87]

I would make some sincerely efforts to contact her, but there is a possibility that the cow is already out of the barn and your chance to connect may have passed. As others have mentioned, starting a relationship is NOT some 'slam dunk.' You will have to put in the effort and be willing to communicate on a different level than when you were a player.

 

If she does take you on expect to put some work into it. Don't expect an easy road in the fast lane.

[SpottiOtti]

She's playing games right back with you, my friend.

[Blue Spiral]

PUA is just glorified repetition...approach in public, do/say dime-store evo-psych crap, and repeat ad nauseum until it works. You'll capitalize on a percentage, but it doesn't really work with specific individuals. Well, I guess it might in some cases, but that kind of manipulation is just soulless, isn't it?

 

OP, if you're doubting things, it's probably a sign that she isn't into you. If a woman is into you, you'll know it. This is why I don't believe in "certain types" of women--i.e., "PUA only works on certain types". There's no polite way to say this...if a woman wants you, you'll know this because she'll be having sex with you. Someone else said this far better than I ever could. Let me copy/paste one of my all-time-favorite passages from our glorious Internet:

 

It’s sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to **** you will find a way to **** you. She will fly accross the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, **** the **** out of you and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife comes home early from work – women who want to **** will find a way to ****. The girl who tells you she needs to be comfortable and wants a relationship first is the same girl who ****ed the hot guy in the foam cannon party in Cancun on spring break just half an hour after meeting him.

 

link removed

 

OP, my personal belief is that a woman is either into you or she isn't. If the interest levels vary--you're interested, she isn't--there's nothing to be done about it. Trying to "win her over" will just result in embarrassment and wasted time/effort. Find a woman that immediately responds to your attention in a satisfying way. That's easier said than done, I realize, but women are at least polite enough to screen themselves for us. Uncertainty means not interested, having sex with you means interested.

[itsallgrand]

Sounds to me like she lost, or just didn't have as much interest as you figured she did.

 

My first thought was it may have been about the time you asked to come back home with you.

 

After that, seems to me to be classic brush-off without directly stating it.

[Moontiger]

Gotta disagree Blue. I made my first boyfriend wait a year and half before we had sex, my boyfriend after that three or four months. I am not the "kind of woman" who does the dirty with a hot guy just because he is hot. Have to have an emotional connection.

 

OP, this woman could be the same way and is feeling something "off" in the way went after her. Just be yourself.

[Mercurial Girl]

Gotta disagree Blue. I made my first boyfriend wait a year and half before we had sex, my boyfriend after that three or four months. I am not the "kind of woman" who does the dirty with a hot guy just because he is hot. Have to have an emotional connection.

 

OP, this woman could be the same way and is feeling something "off" in the way went after her. Just be yourself.

 

And even if she is the "kind of woman" (whatever loaded crap that's supposed to mean) to have engaged in NSA sex or have sex on the first date, doesn't mean that she wants to do that with YOU. She can differentiate between the hot guy she wants to bang for the sake of banging and the guy she wants to take it slow with to see how it goes.

[milly007]

Blue Spiral, I have to say I'm with Moontiger on this one, and a lot of my good female friends are the same way. We don't sleep with guys that we're dating right away. We like to take our time, get to know the guy, and see if there is a connection. If I don't trust the guy, and if there's no emotional connection between us, I won't sleep with him. Sex follows once (and if) a connection has been made (which could take months), and once it has been confirmed that we're in an exclusive relationship.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I am not the "kind of woman" who does the dirty with a hot guy just because he is hot. Have to have an emotional connection.

I'm with her. There is no "one size fits all" solution or reason for why some people (because I'm sure there are men who are like this, too) wait until they know someone/are comfortable with someone to have sex.

 

I would also take a large grain of salt with anyone who paints with such a wide brush and calls himself rational.

[Blue Spiral]

And even if she is the "kind of woman" (whatever loaded crap that's supposed to mean) to have engaged in NSA sex or have sex on the first date, doesn't mean that she wants to do that with YOU. She can differentiate between the hot guy she wants to bang for the sake of banging and the guy she wants to take it slow with to see how it goes.

 

I absolutely agree. That's why I encouraged the OP to find women that respond to him in a more enthusiastic manner. Women have certain types, and you can tell if you're her type by how she behaves around you. I had FWBs that immediately connected with me, while making other guys work for it; and I knew women that would never do anything casual...except when they did, with guys that were completely different than me. In my experience, if you're a woman's type, you can do no wrong, and if you aren't, nothing you do or say will convince her. My ex would get mad at me for certain things, but she let her next boyfriend slide on those very same problems, because he was her type, and I wasn't. There isn't anything radical about that. As a guy, I know that, if a woman is my type, I'll cut her more slack than I would for a woman that I wasn't as attracted to.

 

I'm sure there are some women that have never done anything casual...but it's probably a vanishingly-small percentage. When I was in my romantic, pre-FWB days, I was shocked to learn that every single women I knew (who all presented themselves as Good Girls) made "exceptions" for men that just happened to fit a certain type. They'd tell me that they didn't do things like that, and then proceed to do things like that. I'm sex-positive and pretty much a hedonist when it comes to these things, so I don't care about that part, but I wish we could be more honest about how this stuff works. Sex (and the absence of it) is an early indicator of whether or not the connection is strong. If you're really having to work hard to establish a connection, something is seriously wrong.

 

And I know that I'm not exactly respected by the women around here, so I'll mention ND40. I believe that he said that he had sex early in all of his longer-running relationships. OP: life isn't a romcom, where you try and try and try and eventually win over the girl. They want us competing for them, obviously, so they get the best possible mate. But they've formed their opinions about us within the first few minutes of meeting us--attractive, yes or no--and trying to fight that is futile, in my opinion.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm generally very wary of generalisations, not just about 'women' or 'men', but the same person may well operate differently at different stages in life. There is such a thing as experience and acquired wisdom!

[happpybear]

I'm generally very wary of generalisations, not just about 'women' or 'men', but the same person may well operate differently at different stages in life. There is such a thing as experience and acquired wisdom!

 

Well said, I totally agree.