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I'm a girl & I dont want to be in a relationship. I don't know why, is it weird?


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Well, the thing is I'm not interested in kissing or cuddling or holding hands with guys. I also don't like guys my age. I'm not an outgoing person, I'm not the party on girl. I'm serious. I come to realize that when I find myself liking a guy, I panic & I dont want to date him. I think its silly to open up and waste feelings on someone who you're not going to marry. I'm scared of the thought being in a relationship. Like prison. I cant be affectionate. Is this weird? My parents are divorced if that has to do with this, they never showed love when they were together. I really want to marry one day, but I'm starting to think it wont happen.

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This is EXACTLY how I was before I met my husband. I kept trying and trying to be in "relationships" because that's what I saw everybody else around me doing. I felt I wasn't doing it "right" because I had ZERO interest in physical intimacy with the guys I dated and whenever they expected it, it just made me angry and annoyed that I had to go through the motions and pretend I enjoyed it. I dumped every single guy I dated for mainly that reason. The other reason was that I KNEW that these relationships were not going to result in marriage (at that point I had no interest in marriage) so I figured, what was the point? I saw marriage as a prison too.

 

My parents are still together, but they don't really love one another and probably should have divorced years ago. I have never seen them kiss, hug or even hold hands - not once in my entire childhood. Obviously I figure that is where I got it from.

 

Eventually when I was about 19 I decided to give up on the idea of "relationships" and just do the FWB thing. Again, I really wasn't hugely interested in the physical part of the FWB, but a lot of the guys I was FWBs with I had an intellectual chemistry or connection with them and they were interested in me, so I felt 'why not'? Obviously those petered out as well.

 

I met my husband on vacation quite by accident. It was odd because the physical intimacy came quite naturally, as did the idea of marriage. I was 24 at the time we met, but we didn't get together officially until after I turned 25.

 

Not saying that you will necessarily ever WANT a relationship and if you don't, that is totally normal. Women are conditioned by society to believe they are not "whole" until they "land a man" which is total crap. Some women WANT to be in a relationship and to get married and for those women, great...have at it. Others, don't and that is perfectly OK too. Thankfully society has gotten us to a point where we can rely on ourselves and don't need anybody else to support us.

 

You might also be Asexual which is a real sexual orientation and is also totally valid (I thought I was asexual for the longest time).

 

Don't allow yourself to think in absolutes but rather in possibilities. There is a possibility you might never marry, but a possibility you might and either one is OK as long as you are happy with it.

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In my mind I want to be married with kids and what not, but in reality I can't let myself to show love for someone. I want to but I dont feel like it. Generally I feel embarrassed of love.

 

Yeah I completely understand that. It feels forced and unnatural right? Like you are playing a part in a play that everybody else thinks is real. Trust me, I get it.

 

My theory is that all these people you see going through dramatic relationships around you are just doing what they have been conditioned to do by society. I don't doubt they think the emotion is real, but I think they create it themselves.

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How old are you exactly? This was how I felt until I was in my late 20s. I was never the life of the party, never attracted to any of the guys in my school or in my social circles and the idea of getting pregnant and trapped like so many of the women and girls around me that I saw made me panic inside sometimes. The fact is we live in a culture that sounds a very loud message constantly that one must get into a relationship, one must be boy or girl crazy, one must be life the party. And it's simply not true and not everyone needs, wants or is like that.

 

You know yourself well enough to know you want other things in life right now and that there isn't anyone your interested in. Don't be ashamed of it and don't do what I did by going out with guys I didn't really like to please my friends and then get married young thinking that would fix what I thought was a serious flaw inside of myself. It doesn't. Stop worrying about it and focus on the things that do make you happy, that you do like. You'll be fine and you don't have to do something just because others are doing it. You can and should be proud to be an individual and to enjoy life and work on the things that interest you. You have an entire lifetime to find someone you like enough to date or have something with, so go with your instincts on this. They and you are right.

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Hi, not weird and so good that you can articulate it.

 

To understand it, I would ask yourself what is was like growing up. Did your voice matter? Even if it did actually matter, did it feel to you like it mattered? Often growing up with change going on around us, we learn fantastic, wonderful, helpful coping skills. The coping skills are reinforced by our families, because we make their lives easier by being able to go-along-to-get-along. The flip side to that is, maybe we learned to underestimate the importance of our own feelings, needs, and wants. Maybe we learn to anticipate that our innocent affection will be ridiculed, even if just in a nice way. So then growing up and learning to fall in love, we dismiss that too. It must not mean anything, I am just a kid, my stuff doesn't matter.

 

But of course your instincts, your voice, and your feelings matter. As you mature, you will practice hearing your own voice and exercising it, and it may take time to learn how to exercise it judiciously and effectively.

 

If I am completely off the rails here, my apologies!

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Being 18, its normal to not want to be in a relationship. You probably just graduated highschool and thinking of colleges/universities, career choices, wanting to leave home etc etc. It's perfectly normal and it doesn't make you weird at all to think the way that you are.

 

Do what you want to do right now, be you! Don't worry so much about not being in a relationship or not wanting to be in a relationship. You are still extremely young, you are just figuring out what kind of person you are and you'll keep learning as the years go by. Eventually down the road, someone will help you break you out of your shell and you will fall in love and marriage and all that will be something you will want to pursue, but right now at 18, just consentrate on you and want you want.

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I'm not sure if I understand what you tried to say.

 

I am glad you said so, nobody ever does!

 

What I mean is, the way you feel now about relationships may have its roots in how you grew up. when you were growing up, did you learn to go along with whatever the family was doing? When you were sad, angry, etc did you learn how to "suck it up"? Were you the playful one that made everyone else happy?

 

If so, you may have learned to ignore your own voice for the good of everyone else, without even knowing it. That could keep you from expressing yourself romantically now.

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Well, the thing is I'm not interested in kissing or cuddling or holding hands with guys. I also don't like guys my age. I'm not an outgoing person, I'm not the party on girl. I'm serious. I come to realize that when I find myself liking a guy, I panic & I dont want to date him. I think its silly to open up and waste feelings on someone who you're not going to marry. I'm scared of the thought being in a relationship. Like prison. I cant be affectionate. Is this weird? My parents are divorced if that has to do with this, they never showed love when they were together. I really want to marry one day, but I'm starting to think it wont happen.

 

Consider whether you have developed such ability to help your family that you have ignored yourself. It is possible that your ability to help your family is easy for you, you counsel them, you make them feel better, you help diffuse their anger, whatever it is. This may be something you have been doing so well and for so long that you don't even notice - and would reject the idea - that it is costing you an opportunity to value your own needs and wants and feelings. Also, you do not have a model for what an affectionate relationship looks like, so you will have to build that knowledge from scratch.

 

You are not alone in having to - wanting to - overcome these hurdles. Far from it. It helps to recognize that the family we love did not prepare for us for everything, even though we love them and they love us, there are still some holes that we need to fill on our own.

 

First, if you want to be affectionate, then that is a statement of value. That value seems to differ from what was modeled in your family. That is a sign of growing up -- you are choosing a value system of your own. Now, you are wondering how to create that in your own life, recognizing that you didn't see it and maybe didn't get it in your family of origin.

 

That is a great step in the maturation process, important, and normal.

 

You also say that it isn't worth wasting emotions on someone you aren't going to marry. That makes it difficult to get into relationships, then, and as you point out, it is hard to envision marrying, since to marry, one first has to get into a relationship, and that means investing one's emotions before you know the outcome.

 

I would argue that emotions are part of the whole human experience. In a family where emotions are out of control, we learn to dismiss them or to minimize their power, because we have to in order to maintain our own stability. That is a coping skill, but it is not a necessary one, everywhere. It is possible to feel emotions that are positive and negative, and to express them and to manage them in a way that is responsible and respectful to yourself and others. Learning to recognize what we feel, and how to manage it, is a first step to building relationships and feeling affectionate.

 

It might help to think of marriage as an outcome that requires a set of skills, and of relationships as an opportunity to learn and practice those skills.

 

Before I write more, does any of this help?

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This is a little textbook-y, but it might help connect the dots between family life and romantic life.

 

Also, as tvnerdgirl writes -- there is no pressure to want marriage at a certain time in your life. Better to be true to yourself as you have been.

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It's not weird at all. I felt like that constantly until I met my ex boyfriend when I was 22.. up until that point the idea of being affectionate made me feel sick! And I just never really liked any guy very much, I'd date them but always feel very 'meh' about them. I didn't lose my virginity until I met my ex for that very reason. But once I met my ex I dont know what happened.. it just felt different, and I actually WANTED to be affectionate with him! since then iv become a much more affectionate person and really enjoy cuddling etc. Don't over-think it

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I have a family member of sorts who grew up in an environment where all the women around her were becoming wives and mothers at 18, 19, 20. She knew that wasn't for her, so found a way to leave her country and come here. She has now adopted her new country as her own. Sometimes, we are raised in a culture that doesn't fit who we are, and it helps to know that somewhere there is a community that better reflects our values and interests.

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