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Dumped same week as abortion


NEA

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My boyfriend and I had only been together for just over 5 months when I discovered I was pregnant. We had just come back from a week long vacation together and things were running smoothly. Initially I did not want to have the baby given the short amount of time we were together. But, I am 33 and knowing I want to have children, after some consideration I wanted to explore having the baby as an option. He is 31, and would not entertain the idea of having it. The night before the abortion, we fought. He assured me that we would have a baby together down the road. I submitted, and the next day, I had the abortion.

 

A couple of days after the abortion, I discovered naked pictures of his ex on his computer. They were old photos and he told me he was unaware that they were there. In the midst of my hormones, I got incredibly angry. I yelled, I screamed, I threw his phone accross the room. I said cruel and terrible things. In hindsight, I know the anger about the pictures was a projection of my sadness/loss/despair relating to the abortion.

 

Following the argument, I apologized profusely for the next couple of days. But THEN, he dumped me. All of this happened less than a week after the abortion. He told me that I was "not a rock" that he was "watching me crumble" that his feelings had changed. We had another argument earlier in the relationship, and when he broke up with me, he told me that he had regretted not breaking up after the earlier argument (several months before).

 

I have done all the wrong things to win him back - calling, texting, more calling, more texting - you name it. It is about a month since this happened, and he has told me he is now with someone else, and he will no longer respond to me.

 

I am living in so much regret - I wish I had kept the baby, not to keep us together, but because I want to be a mother, and maybe that was my only chance. I am also struggling so deeply, in terms of my fault relating to the break-up. Was he right to have left me, b/c I got so angry? Did I push too far? Should he have stood by me no matter what? I am experiencing so much guilt, regret and sadness.

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I'm really sorry and know how upsetting this must all be for you. But my feeling is that it is better to know that he is someone who really wasn't that committed to you, and his behavior through all this shows that he was not committed. It is sadly very common for people to break up after an abortion, mostly because it is a sad and sobering experience, and many men bolt when the reality of recognizing they don't want the responsibility of a child or the emotional fallout from an abortion, or to make a permanent commitment to a woman they don't know that well. So rather than face that, they just bolt. And if he has someone new instantly afterwards, he is just drifting from woman to woman without any real thought to a committed relationship at this point in his life.

 

I also suggest that women never believe any promises made by a man right before an abortion (like you'll have a baby later) because many men will say anything to get the woman to abort because they don't want the responsibility and/or 18 years of child support if the relationship doesn't work out. So they'll promise the moon beforehand, the bolt afterwards breaking every promise they made in an attempt to escape from the relationship because they are spooked at the idea it could happen again and they just don't want it.

 

So I suspect that he was just looking for his quick exit after the abortion and beat a hasty retreat after the first argument using that as an excuse. Of course it would be better if you had controlled your temper (and should try in future especially not doing things like throwing objects around which can be dangerous), but he obviously didn't want to try to work things out and preferred just to leave and take up with a new woman rather than to try to be understanding or work with you.

 

re: this being your only chance to be a mother, that is not true. If you really want to be a mother, you can always use a sperm donor, and frankly I'd rather use a sperm donor and raise my child happily on my own than be stuck with an ex who is a jerk and not an appropriate father to my child or an unwilling father who felt trapped into it. I know lots of women who have happily raised their kids as single parents, and in fact these days there are more children being raised by single parents than those raised in a marriage. So you would be the norm these days rather than an exception if you decided to be a single mother so I wouldn't let that stop you if you really want to be a parent.

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I wouldn't break up with someone over an abortion, the opposite would happen I would be there even more to support her through everything. So I think your EX BF was a rotten turd, and not worth the time of day your giving him. Stop calling him & texting him, he's not worth it.

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Keeping the baby under these circumstances would have been for selfish reasons and this is not a good way to bring a person into this world. In my mind, people should have babies only when they are fairly confident that they could provide them with a happy childhood and that means having both their parents involved. Obviously, things can always go wrong down the line, but starting off with one parent being unhappy from the get go is the least ideal scenario. I don't think that you made the wrong decision given the information that you had at the time. It is only natural that you have all these feelings. You experienced a VERY traumatic event. A person who really loved you would have been more understanding. But then again, a person who really loved you would have agreed to the baby and/or would have stood by you while 'you crumble'. He was not the right one for you. You are still young and you now have the chance to find someone who really wants a baby and provide a better chance for a happy childhood. He didn't. He was just a tough life-lesson for you, not the 'One'. It might be helpful if you sought some professional help to deal with your pain and anger. This thing is quite big to deal on your own. I am very sorry for your loss. Best of luck with your healing!

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Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am getting professional help, as well. I continue to blame myself for the ruins of our relationship - he says regardless of hormones etc, I shouldn't have gotten so angry. I am trying to reconcile so many things at once.

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You made the decision you thought was best for you but an abortion is a traumatising thing to go through.

 

Sadly after miscarriages/abortions/stillbirths a lot of couples do split up due to the emotional stress. HOWEVER I think he could have been more understanding and sympathetic to what you were going through.

 

To be honest he sounds like a jerk and you are better off without him.

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No he was not right to break up with you. Infact he sounds like a coward and a bit of a f***ing p***k in my opinion. It had only been a week since you had the abortion, of course your emotions were gonna be all over the place, and you found naked pictures of an ex girlfriend on his computer... that would rattle the most stable of people! He sounds like a loser and you're FAR better off without him! You sound like a very strong lady, appreciate your worth!! You still have lots of time to have a baby, and with someone who is truly worth your time. Chin up

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I should also say, that he was very supportive on a practical level before and initially after the abortion. He lives about 45 minutes away and came to see me every night the week leading up, and I borrowed one of his cars to commute and stay with him after the abortion (until the fight). With that said, he did not view the abortion as traumatic. One of his exes had an abortion with his baby when they were younger. He simply viewed it as a "bunch of cells" as he called it. Although I am not a practicing Catholic, being raised Catholic has left me feeling I had killed something. More than that, I truly felt the baby inside of me with so many physical changes happening. That's where I am having difficulty - he didn't see it as traumatic, so he wouldn't have fled b/c of emotional stress stemming from it. I feel so to blame.

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Even though it was a very hard decision, I think you made the right one. When he told you he would not entertain the idea of a child, I think that was your first red flag that he was not in this for the long haul. While the announcement of a baby is a shock, even in the best of circumstances, with some people, it can be a gulf that opens up between them and you, emotionally speaking, if they were never of the mind to either have children with you or seriously see a future with you. It sounds to me as if he was just marking time with you, waiting for the opportunity/excuse to break up with you.

 

I don't think he saw a future with you if he said that he thought he should have broken up with you after that first argument.

 

In the long run, it's best that he's out of your life. He is showing you the kind of man he is---and the kind of father he would be.

 

I think you would be well served to talk to a therapist about your feelings of guilt. Perhaps going to confession would be a good move for you. God does forgive.

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I am living in so much regret - I wish I had kept the baby, not to keep us together, but because I want to be a mother, and maybe that was my only chance. I am also struggling so deeply, in terms of my fault relating to the break-up. Was he right to have left me, b/c I got so angry? Did I push too far? Should he have stood by me no matter what? I am experiencing so much guilt, regret and sadness.

 

In terms of the ex, it does sound like he did not see a future with you if he wished he had dumped you before. The thing is, relationships are voluntary and if you flip out on someone not everyone is going to be able to handle that or want to put up with it. But ultimately, unless someone is actually marrying you, you have to take promises of the future with a grain of salt.

 

In terms of having a baby, that is a trickier question. A lot of people take the ability to have a baby naturally as they age for granted. We don't know if you will be able to get pregnant as easily in the future or how healthy the baby will be. But if you need a father's support of the child, then it seems that the ecision you mae was the right choice for you.

 

Hugs.

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Look getting an abortion is a major life event and regardless of the circumstances, not a happy one for anyone. Can you call the place where you got the abortion and ask them about counseling services to deal with the loss? I know many clinics and offices offer that service, because the emotions you're experiencing are very normal for an abortion. As to your ex, wow what a rotten (blank) he turned out to be. He actually had the nerve to tell you he was upset you were crumbling? After an abortion that he was in part responsible for--really? This is not someone who can apparently deal with normal everyday life problems and it's better you found out about this now then down the road. What a jerk. And given how awful this guy was it's probably a good thing you don't have to deal with him as the child's father, because yeah he would have been horrible at it.

 

Go full NC, call that clinic and make an appointment or find someone to talk with about your feelings. You haven't lost your chance to have kids though, my last one was born when I was in my early 40s. You just need some help getting over how rough the experience can be and to find your own two feet again. You don't need someone like this ex in your life, no one does. Virtual hugs. You apologized to the guy, so let that be your closing statement to him. Besides he should have been mortified that he had naked pics of women on his computer and that he'd just put you through a major emotional ordeal in part due to his irresponsibility in getting you pregnant and then demanding an abortion.

 

No you are better off all the way around hon, you just are. There will be other opportunities for children, good ones.

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Being devil's advocate...

 

I know this is a tough situation, but if my girlfriend threw my phone accross my room and flipped out right after an abortion, I mean cursing and throwing things... it'd already be a difficult situation as it was...then with her being abusive it'd be my cue to leave. I don't put up with BS at all, and have a one strike policy.

 

 

 

ALTHOUGH, I think the reality is, he guided you through the abortion, and once he's off the hook he bailed.

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I'm soooooooo sorry to hear about this!!! The guy is an idiot. I went through this exact situation (except we had dated for 1-1/2 years, and living together) at 30. I bled for over 24 hours and wound up needing a D&C, and he left the next day to go drinking with his cousin, and broke up with me 1 week later, asked me to move out, even though I was advised to do not heavy lifting. I had 8 people help me move cuz they hated his guts.

 

I wish I could give you a giant hug right now. The hormones are still there too! I was devastated. But either way, this guy is an immature tool!!! I am mentally smacking him right now. Just goes to show you that this guy is the the loser. He could have just said, "crap, I thought those were deleted. I'll do it right now." Or could have taken your feelings into consideration, and just try to make you feel better. The fact that he couldn't - you will be glad that you didn't keep the baby.

 

I know how it feels to be in your early 30's, and have this happen. I know you will find someone who will love all your greatness and nastiness, fatness, skinny days, and hormonally crazy days. Chin-up! I know that's lame to say, but do what you gotta do. Write, draw, really take the time to grieve. Don't rush it.

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