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Am I being unreasaonable?


kammatthana

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Hi everyone

 

This is partly a request for advice, and partly a rant, so please excuse me if the post is too long, but I need to get this off my chest.

 

It was my partner's birthday a month ago and she said she wanted nothing for her birthday. So I did not get her anything nor did I do anything for her birthday.

 

Before you tell me that she was testing me and that I'm a fool for listening to her, it was not for lack of trying. Every single little gift I wanted to get her she plainly refused to accept. I resorted to begging her to allow me to pay for a pair of flip-flops she was buying online because she had refused to accept anything, and even that took half an hour of trying to convince her that I wanted to do that for her. Then when it came to asking her to come out for dinner with me on her birthday, her reply was that her 'guru' was in town so her birthday is reserved for spending time with him and his little circle of followers. Shot down again, and eventually gave up.

 

We just went away on a wonderful weekend together to a beach resort, and out of nowhere Sunday night she is in a rage, telling me that I'm selfish and ungrateful, that I never do anything for her on her birthday. To make things worse, she then tells me that her ex (whom she had an affair with four years ago which ended our relationship for a year) took her out for her birthday and that I'm an arsehole because it should have been me. ? And now I've been kicked out of home.

 

My initial response was to apologise profusely, yes it's my fault, I'm sorry for upsetting you, I want to make this up to you etc... I want to keep the relationship together so obviously the best thing is to swallow my pride and self-respect, apologise and fix it. I love this woman, despite the problems we've had in the past. But she's volatile and I've had to take a step back to really think about whether apologising is the wisest thing to do, given that nothing I do is enough to please her. This seems to be a big pattern, that nothing I ever do is good enough. I'm not whining and I don't expect to be thanked for what I do, but when all my free time is spent working in the house and garden, cooking, cleaning, looking after our pets, working a full-time office job and then trying to manage a career change, and then I get criticized for (1) doing nothing, (2) that there is always something wrong or something to be criticzed with what I do, (3) that even though I'm exhausted, my need for a rest and sleep is a sign of weakness, and (4) she said the other day I need to drop my simple lifestyle and put all my energy into making 'millions', then I just think 'f&*k you'. She never used to be this high maintenance, her simplicity and honesty was what attracted me to her in the first place but she has changed so much over the past year that sometimes I feel I'm living with a stranger.

 

I chose the road of self-respect and told her in no uncertain terms to stop playing mind games, that everything I did for her was rejected and so I felt setup for failure from the start because she couldn't articulate what she wants, and that she needs to 'get off her precious and self-entitled high horse'. Probably ended the relationship there and then but is it not unreasonable that when she makes mistakes and hurts me that I'm expected to be a man and get over it, that I should only expect the same from her?

 

Thanks for any advice you can give

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The way I see it, though I can understand her sentiment of "surprise me!"…you are in the right here. She flat out refused things you wanted to do for or get for her and you are not a mind reader. You didn't do anything wrong, in my opinion.

 

She seems to be rather high maintenance and you're absolutely correct, she was playing mind games like an Olympic medalist. Honestly, if I were in your position, I'd be happy to get away from someone like this. To top it off, she has been unfaithful to you. Not quite sure what gem aspect of her personality or looks made you take her back, but she's really showing her true colors here.

 

Move on and don't look back. You were right to take the high road of self respect. In the end you really are all you have and kudos to you for standing up to this selfish woman.

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Holy crap, yes she is playing mind games. It almost sounds like she deliberately set you up so later she could do that. I think it's time you tell her to go play her little mind (blank) elsewhere and you end things for good this time. Never stay with someone who's so insane that they're setting up traps to "test" you and then fly off into a rage when you don't magically divine by way of the stars, an angel's voice or suddenly being able to read minds what they want. Run.

 

And I'm a woman saying this. I've always given people like her a very wide berth and I will continue to do so and stay happy. I suggest you do the same.

 

And BTW she's using you if you're doing everything you say you are, what's she done for you? No, man it's time to walk away and let her figure out how to do her own cooking and cleaning. (Snorts and shakes head)

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She sounds mamipulative and definitely high maintenance. My thoughts are that it wasn't so much that she didn't want ANY gifts, she just didn't want the ones you suggested. Even if you had used your own initiative and bought her a present, she most likely wouldn't have been any more happier.

 

She is too much hard work and even though you are hurting right now ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate or respect you in any way

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