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So it's been close to 8 months or so since my ex and I split, and I wish I could say I was entirely over him but I'm not yet but id like to believe I'm getting there. Some days are better than others but my lonely days make me miss him a lot.

 

Anyway for a couple months after the split, I used to check my ex's facebook all the time. Terrible idea I know. Noticed he got a gf fast after we broke up within a couple months. We dated three yrs. Either way, seeing the couply pics hurt bad so I blocked him off facebook and his gf, who I worry is his wife now, and haven't checked since. I haven't checked Because I'm so afraid of the hurt. I remember last time I saw their pics together, 6 months ago, it hurt like hell and I was ruined for a bit, couldn't sleep, bad dreams and all. Lame I know. Anyways it's been 6 months since and while I've healed more since then, Im still hesitating and I'm afraid of the pain but I feel like I'm stuck in my healing too. A good friend of mine however suggested that maybe I need to rip off the bandaid and check and see that he is very possibly married and get it over with. Because maybe to some degree I'm idealizing him and his new relationship. And that by seeing him will help maybe see how annoying he really is and how I'm better off without him and don't fit in his life and that the hurt will be good for me in helping me move on. I don't know, to some degree I understand her point but I'm so afraid of being hurt again and being set back, I hesitate checking. But maybe some hurt is good to heal and close the chapter and move on? I don't know so I thought I would ask you alls opinions and advice?

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If you want to pull the scab off any healing you may have done so far, yes, go and check his Facebook page. Contrary to what your friend has advised, walking into a scenario which you know is likely to hurt you is far more likely to set you back than it is to heal you.

 

Hurting isn't good to heal. It just causes more unnecessary pain. Period.

 

Rather than concentrate on the relationship he may or may not be having at the moment (about which you have no idea anyway - the only people who really know are the people involved) look at the life that you're leading. How could you make it better? What are the things you'd really like for yourself, and how many of those are achievable? If you think creatively, how many of the unachievable ones are actually within your reach? How can you make yourself happy without looking to the past? How can you create a happy future?

 

If your friend comes up with any more suggestions like this, tell her that you can think of much more positive ways of dealing with your own life which don't involve you in self-torture. If she persists, distance yourself. He has not been part of your life for eight months. Keep it that way.

 

(((HUGS))) and good luck!

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I would advise against it and here's why--Facebook usually does not show you anything about a person's life except their most ideal moments. So what you're going to see isn't him posting, "Girlfriend's ex was out with her last night and she didn't answer her phone? They say they're just friends. OR "If she leaves her underewear on top of the fridge again I'm going to deliberately "forget" her favorite pair of jeans at the laundromat." He won't post pictures of her laughing at him in the background while he wears the same hated t-shirt that she can't stand for the billionth time and so on and so on.

 

You get the idea, right? All you're going to see is the wonderful shiny relationship, because there's no way in heck he's going to post the naked truth about the bad parts of his life and it'll likely make you feel like crap all over again. You are far better to focus on moving on and creating a life where you are happy yourself and can look forward to finding someone new since he wasn't all that and a bag of potato chips so to speak anyways. Besides you know him, do you really think it's all a magic fairyland between him and anyone he's with or that it will be once the honeymoon phase is over? No relationship is, ever, even the best ones.

 

And yes, I"m guilty too of not posting the unvarnished truth of my life and relationship on Facebook, no one needs to see that. If you saw my FB page you'd think it's all perfect, but the fact is I like most people including your ex only put the happy moments up there and they may or may not be a majority of what's even going on one's life at any given moment. So no, I don't think it will help.

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i understand your point and i greatly appreciate your advice, thank you.

 

sometimes i think she has a point only because i cant keep hiding from what hurts me, kinda like how if someone is afraid of heights, you face your fear and get over it, so to speak? is this not something similar?

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If you are asking if you should check on your ex's Facebook profile, then you're not ready to handle something you don't want to see. Like everyone who's responded, I would advise against it. I wouldn't want you to have a major set back or get hurt again. You already know what that feels like. Please don't put yourself through that again even if there's a remote chance it will happen.

 

Hey Paris, so that I won't derail this thread, I am going to send you a PM about my ex regarding how people try to post only positive things on FB and get your opinion on something, if you don't mind.

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sometimes i think she has a point only because i cant keep hiding from what hurts me, kinda like how if someone is afraid of heights, you face your fear and get over it, so to speak? is this not something similar?

 

One thing is overcoming your fears and get stronger as a result. But checking your ex on FB is more like pretending to heal intoxication by drinking more of the same poison that got you sick in the first place. There is no healing on that. It's not worth it to focus your attention on people who affect you in such a way, while they probably couldn't care less about you. Plus, who cares what they are doing? It doesn't matter. What really matters is what YOU are doing to focus on your self-improvement and to let go. To let go equals growth. Prove to yourself that you are capable of moving on.

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Please don't do it. It's a bad bad habit that I was guilty off. I stopped stalking one of my ex's after so much effort, and my friends suggested the same thing your friend suggested: You need to be able to face it, you need to have him as a friend on Facebook and show him that you don't care, you should even like his posts with his new girl to show him it doesn't bother you, and you shouldn't avoid your problems, you should face them...

 

So I caved and stalked him on Facebook and Instagram, and I did not like what I saw. He looked happy with his new girlfriend and was totally over our relationship (maybe that was just a facade). The truth is, facing these images put me back to square one. I felt rejected and worthless all over again. I was crying and had the same panic attacks and sleep disorders I had right after the breakup. It will not help you heal faster, it will set you back. Please learn from my horrible experience and move on. In this situation, ignorance is a bliss.

 

Good luck

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Like everyone else has said, don't do it. Its awful when you see him in his happy moments and his life seems perfect. I did spend a time looking at my exs profile, but ive stopped now. It is torturing yourself and setting yourself up for more pain. I understand its not easy, though. When u miss them it makes u want to look them up all the more

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Knowing whether they are now married or still just in a relationship doesn't change anything. You are still where you are and you still have plenty of healing to do. If you check his Facebook and find out something that is likely to hurt you, all you will be doing is giving yourself something else to have to get over. You CAN get to the stage where you no longer think about checking out his latest movements or wanting to know anything about him .... but to do that you have to detatch yourself from him completely. You won't ever be able to do that if you keep going back to the point where you need to check up on him. Ride this wave, let the temptation pass. Soon you will stop being tempted at all That is where you want to get to ... if you give in to it, you will be tempted again and so the cycle will continue.

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I have been on that page too, thinking that I have to confront myself with the harsh reality but then again I really don't want to. I really don't feel like wanting to die all over again. And that is what will happen if I get unwanted information about her. Ignorance is bliss.

 

Also, I know a lot of couples that post nothing but happy pics and love messages on Facebook, while behind the scenes they have almost broken up a lot of times! Ofcourse that is nothing you'll post on Facebook "Well my new bf was such a pain in the butt today, I'm having serious doubts, I don't feel attracted to him anymore, I wonder what else is out there".

 

So although I know that urge to check up upon them don't do it it 'll only set you up for more pain because you'll put together a picture of what their new lives must look like based on some tiny fragments which sure don't represent the bigger picture.

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i understand your point and i greatly appreciate your advice, thank you.

 

sometimes i think she has a point only because i cant keep hiding from what hurts me, kinda like how if someone is afraid of heights, you face your fear and get over it, so to speak? is this not something similar?

No, a fear of heights is not the same as a broken heart. Does it REALLY feel like that to you??? Unlike a fear of heights, your emotional pain will heal itself unless you keep pulling off the scab - which looking at his FB page would do.

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The simple answer is delete him from Fb and move on. Don't tell him in advance or make it a prodcution that you are deleting him, simply delete him. If he notices it and calls you on it, then ipso facto he was trying to check up on you as well. FB is a fantastic was to connect with others. But the dark side of FB is that we are only left with snap shots of others lives. People never post "I'm so depressed I have been to work in a month" - and if they do that's a massive cry for help. But, more typically poeple present how happy their lives are. "Look at me and my new girlfirend - hearts, kisses and rainbows". Yet, the viewer is left to speculate about the context of the photo.

 

Rightly or wrongly, I delete every ex from FB in the immediate aftermath. If we become genuine friends again down the road, I may add them back,

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Thank you so much for the feedback I haven't checked his fb and I don't plan in it. You guys are right. The burn last time was so bad, it's scarred me into not checking forever. One day perhaps I will be completely over him where I can look at his fb and be over him but that's not today. He has me blocked anyway on fb, what a jerk dumper lol.

 

Appreciate the feedback

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Thank you so much for the feedback I haven't checked his fb and I don't plan in it. You guys are right. The burn last time was so bad, it's scarred me into not checking forever. One day perhaps I will be completely over him where I can look at his fb and be over him but that's not today. He has me blocked anyway on fb, what a jerk dumper lol.

 

Appreciate the feedback

 

Nooooo! One day you will be over him where you won't even THINK to check his Facebook or even think of him at all!

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Nooooo! One day you will be over him where you won't even THINK to check his Facebook or even think of him at all!

 

Yeah that's true! But even so, everyone has some curiosity at some point in their lives as to what exes are doing. So hopefully I'll reach the point where I can look and not care or just not care at all. My ex fiancé is on my facebook, we never unfriended each other, bc it seemed petty at the time. Either way, now I can see his wife and posts and it doesn't bother me one bit and I never care what's going on in his life.

 

But yeah, you're right, one day I'm sure he won't affect me anymore god, I hope. I just want this guy outta my mins already! And I miss ya a little blue, how the heck are ya??

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@ OP everyone's advice is sound and safe, but I get your dilemma. I'll let you know my experience just to give you food for thought.

 

I absolutely blocked everything about my Ex in my life. BUT I realised that I felt detachment over her in two instances. Those two instances were when a mutual friend told me that a) she dumped the affair guy b) she cheated him too and was with another guy from her past.

 

I was more disappointed than hurt when I heard that but quickly felt detachment and disgust. I felt one step more healed.

 

Now, if you go and check his FB, take responsibility for whatever after effects you might feel. In any case, remember:

 

1- if he's still with her, then she just might be a better match for him than you. Time to move on.

2- if not, you dodge a bullet, he failed yet again. Time to move on.

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Most people put their best foot forward on Facebook....so that doesn't really give you an accurate picture of... anything, really.

 

I would stay away from it. If he has a girl, there isn't any reconciliation that's going to happen. Even if he doesn't... if he's not reaching out, recon isn't going to happen, either. Which means... you need to focus on you, on letting go, on healing your heart, and rebuilding yourself and your life for you.

 

Once you do that, you'll attract the kind of person that you need in your life.

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@jonyyy- I misery to hear about your ex, I guess some dogs never change. In some ways, I get what you're saying, one of my exes, I got over him by seeing him and hearing how annoying and stupid he was. It just annoyed me to the point where I even wondered what I saw in him in the first place. Sometimes, I think maybe that helps. But who knows, every break up is a delicate beast. Time to move on is correct indeed.

 

Liraele -your advice is always so helpful, thank you, you are right. Focusing on me is most important. He has a new girl last I know of, i don't know his current situation and I don't want to know, and he hasnt reached out. And I doubt he will. So, with that, what you say is right.

 

I won't check his facebook, I can't. The burn was too bad the first time. I know my friend meant well, but seeing him happily married to a new girl and all the "my life is better than yours" posts definitely won't help.

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Just giving you some backup here in keeping your distance!

 

My ex and I are part of a social group where everyone is having weddings and is involved in the same clubs / groups. Its inevitable that we run into eachother maybe... once or twice a month (sometimes less!). I've been of the pull-off-the-bandaid approach, but I'm starting to think that it isn't totally worth it.

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Just giving you some backup here in keeping your distance!

 

My ex and I are part of a social group where everyone is having weddings and is involved in the same clubs / groups. Its inevitable that we run into eachother maybe... once or twice a month (sometimes less!). I've been of the pull-off-the-bandaid approach, but I'm starting to think that it isn't totally worth it.

 

 

Thank you I could use the support lately, love ena

 

Ugh that sucks when you can't escape your ex. I don't know, I wouldn't bail on activities because of the fear and pain of running into her. Seeing her constantly will get easier with time. No need to have to put your life on hold pulling off the band aid approach can work too though I think it's harder and takes more time. Totally doable though, so props for being strong

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But yeah, you're right, one day I'm sure he won't affect me anymore god, I hope. I just want this guy outta my mins already! And I miss ya a little blue, how the heck are ya??

 

Missed you too Brokenheart … though it is a good thing when someone doesn't need to hang around "these here parts" for too long anymore!

 

I am good thank you. I'm still plodding forwards in my healing journey. It has been a year now since my ex and I split up and six months since we last saw or spoke to each other. Progress is still ongoing in the sense that I really am truly finding myself for the first time since I can remember. I am in no hurry to be in a relationship. I am enjoying being single but that is mostly down to some amazing friends who are in the same boat as me. They have been a real support to me as I hope I have been to them. I almost feel completely healed but I do still think about my ex. I wonder, sometimes, whether I will only ever be completely healed when I am able to open up my heart and learn to love again. The "pain" is not really on any scale, however. I once had something amazing and I guess I will look back on it with fond memories and a wistful or meloncholy feeling until someone else comes along to fill THAT special place in my heart.

 

I think all these emotions and little setbacks, no matter how far into our journey we may be, are all perfectly normal. I have an ex on Facebook who is now married and if I see an update it might prompt me to have a little look to see what he is up to but no more in the way that I would any other friend.

 

Stay strong Brokenhearted, you will get there

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"

 

Yeah one day I'm sure I will be able to check, but by then I won't care and hopefully I'll be over it by then. What's funny tho is bc of recent events, I had "contact" with my ex, to which he was so immature about. And instead of hurting me, it just made me realize how immature and stupid he acted. And it brought me some solace. Instead of being hurt by being ignored I realized how immature and petty he was. It was nice to finally be able to realize that 8 months later. In some ways, it helped me heal and move on bc it was just annoying to me.

 

I can never thank people like you and ena enough, it's why I'm able to function today. Thank you!

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@A little blue: Wow, I screwed up my response, here's the repost:

 

Yeah I was gone for a bit but then I missed the support here and I've kinda felt a plateau in my healing so here I am. I'm glad you're here though, not bc you're not healed but just cuz I like ya

 

Exactly what you said! I entirely understand how you feel and completely relate. I've been told often that you don't truly get over an ex until you meet someone else who you care about more or equally. Just because when someone does inevitably get lonely or sad, you reminisce on happier times when you had love, which is with your ex. So you never truly get over someone maybe until someone else comes along? Maybe love has to be replaced. And after this last break up of mine, I promised myself that I wouldn't jump into another relationship instantly(after making that decision a few times in the past), and I said I would completely heal before I got in another one. And while it's been 8 months since my break up, I still feel lonely a lot and I miss what I shared with my ex. It hasn't been quite the same with other guys I meet and that's what's saddening. Is that at this point I think I could be entirely over my ex if I met someone who I connected with and could enjoy. But after meeting a string of incompatible people, it gets disheartening and I start to get sad again over my ex. And especially now that I just started my 30s most of my friends are in relationships or married and I always feel so alone cuz my social circle has diminished so much lately. But I'm so glad to hear where you are your story is encouraging and I'm glad to know there are other people out there who are still healing 6 months after the break. Feels like 6 months is a cutoff here, usually people get better and move on. Everyone has their own pace though, right? you sound like you're in a really healthy place and it sounds like you really discovered what you want and what you're made of after this break up, so good! I feel like I can handle anything now after this break up, it was shattering, so being it on life(well not really).

 

I understand about opening your heart up again, for a while I just looked for the same spark and chemistry I had with my ex. But now I'm trying To be more open and letting myself understand that love grows with time, instead Of writing someone off so quickly. Is it working? Idk I guess time will tell!

Yeah one day I'm sure I will be able to check, but by then I won't care and hopefully I'll be over it by then. What's funny tho is bc of recent events, I had "contact" with my ex, to which he was so immature about. And instead of hurting me, it just made me realize how immature and stupid he acted. And it brought me some solace. Instead of being hurt by being ignored, I realized how immature and petty he was. It was nice to finally be able to realize that 8 months later. In some ways, it helped me heal and move on bc it was so annoying to me.

 

I can never thank people like you and ena enough, it's why I'm able to function today. Thank you!

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LOL.

 

I understand that plateaued feeling. I think maybe I've come as far as anyone can until we find someone else. I am by no means in any pain yet I know I am still on a journey.

 

It certainly sounds as though you are making progress. I know it is a cliche but time really does heal.

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I have recently checked my ex's FB. We were not friends on there. I refused to re-add her after abusive comments/lies regarding me as a father. I was able to use those comments against her in court. We have a son. On/off for 4 years. Age gap. Court - I brought the case.

 

Anyways..It's a long and complicated story. Just to back up the view that FB can twist anyone's perception.. my ex is now 'in a relationship'. I noticed she blocked me the day it became official. She's acting like a **** when I pick up my son as I'm being pleasant and moving on even though she's with someone else. It's not even a month since she was sending me naked pics and talking about us having another baby.

 

FB is fantasy land for attention seekers.

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