Help.....! Do i just let it go

[collegegirl21]

Hey guys,

 

I've been with this guy officially for about 4 months. He got my number maybe 4 month prior to us dating and i was in a relationship then plus he was going through things so he never called. In the beginning his communication skills were not too good so i never made an effort as sometimes i would hear from him and other times i won't.

 

our honeymoon phase was great we communicated well, chatted for hours and met up sometimes and hung out. Recently about 1 month ago he stared school and warned me he gets easily distracted with school and work. I told him i will be able to handle it. When reality hit and there was less contact from him sometimes 2 days go by and he won't call and id initiate text nd calls plus i began to nagg him a lot about the lack of communication basically for the whole month of febuary. he never increased communication tho i nagged him but i decided not to text him so he still communicated with me. On monday of last week he texted me good morning after we hadn't talked or texted over the weekend, i replied short and sweet and said "hey GM" he then called me that monday night and we talked for about 2 hours, he told me he is starting midterms act this week. the next time he text me was on friday he just said "sup" early in the morning and i kinda was anxious to talk so i called him around 2pm and he was getting ready for work so the condo was short. i was nagging him in the short convo about how the relationship is not working again because it will be entering 2 weeks and we haven't seen each other and our communication is not good we don't text or talk everyday. i asked what he was doing for saturday and he told me he will be doing group study with classmates and in the evening he will be going to a concert for extra credit in a class and i knew he would be back to work. he was telling me that the following week he may have time on his schedule and that he will call me when he got to work to let me know. he did mention he had a manager who didn't like them on the phone. so basically he get off work around 11:30 pm and around 12:30 am i didn't receive a call or even a text letting me know he can't call or is going to bed which he used to do. i was angry with us not talking for somedays and him not calling me back plus i wouldn't get to see him for the next week that i sent him an angry text which he was sleeping when he got it. I texted " u something else 4 real...smfh" then again "u playing too much games...its sad" then i woke up from my sleep and texted " i wld hate to be immature and end this relationship thru text... just call me ASAP that talk that i wanted to come to u and hv last week is gonna be over the phone and after u can do as u please. you taking me for granted when will you learn. ND my decision is thoroughly taught out..."

 

when i realized he read my text and didn't care to call me i sent a bunch of other needy texts telling him he is making me cry by not calling me and why is he playing with my emotions and a lot of other stuff plus i called him about 5 times. After i realized he read all my texts and saw my calls and didn't reply or call me back i was an emotional wreck and just went NC for the rest of that saturday and its not tuesday.

 

That saturday around 10pm he texted me telling that his little brother took his phone accidentally and taught it was his and told me he had a terrible headache so he will talk to me later. He said he was sorry for the hastle. he didn't even call me. i just read the text and never replied and went no contact since that saturday and its now tuesday and no call or text from him.

 

what should i do???

[collegegirl21]

oh btw iv been bringing up weather he wanted to break up so he could focus because the relationship is getting worse and he has been brushing breaking up off.

[Deciduous]

Sweetie,

 

It is time to get on with your life. You are so focused on this guy and his schedule that you have forgotten to have a life. Instead you have been busy giving him a dose of emotional manipulation, a teaspoon of nagging, a soupcon of complaining and a spell of amateur dramatics.

 

What you haven't given him is...SPACE...to breathe.

 

You post gives me the feeling that this guy is your only focus right now, your raison d'etre, you purpose for getting up in the morning...but it is too much. When we're busy and happy and engaged with our life and growth...people are naturally attracted to us.

 

When we send them the message that "I have nothing to do with my time, but focus on you" and "I need you to authenticate my existence. You must, you must" people tend to feel suffocated and run for the hills. His behavior isn't abnormal.

 

However, yours is.

 

This is time to reconnect with your own interests and your own friends and your own plans for life. What are they, by the way? Lets talk about that. What are your hobbies and interests? What do you want for your life. Who do you want to be?

 

Do you notice how the focus of my post has absolutely nothing to do with him... and everything to do with you. Therein lies the solution to your problem. Your post demonstrates little interest in your own life - It's all about him and his schedule.

 

Stop texting. Take up a hobby, go out with your girlfriends, do yoga, meditate, join a club...something...anything to discover who you are - and develop as a human being.

 

It seems you are using this chap to establish who you are, and to justify your existence. But he cannot do that for you. I don't mean to be harsh. Been there and done that, so please be assured I'm not judging you from a great height of perfection.

 

I'm simply giving you the benefit of my experience and what, ultimately, made me happy and fulfilled - and it sure as heck wasn't holding out for some individual to tell me I was okay as a person and worthy of love and attention.

 

You are begging for that message from him and - it's too much of a responsibility for a potential partner. And that pressure has frightened him off.

 

You have to be okay within yourself and cultivate your own self-esteem. It cannot come from him. Right now, he is cheerfully getting on with his life, while you are not. What is it that you feel this chap owes you?

 

The minute you start texting him, you're happy, busy and having a wonderful time without him - and mean it - is the time he will demonstrate interest. Or maybe you won't text him at all. Because you really will be too busy and engaged with your own life and plans.

 

It is time to get started. Get busy. Stop thinking of this in terms of No Contact. Start thinking of this in terms of "developing a life you enjoy and are proud of" because you're entitled one.

 

Deci

[collegegirl21]

wow thanks so much for your advice Deci i will keep that in mind. i am finished with school and have 2 degrees and a good paying job. this is the only time in my life i have not been busy and i know i pushed him away and have realized that. i hang out with my friends occasionally but there all in school and trying to get their life together like he is so its hard. i am 24 and as far as career i have nothing that i am chasing since iv worked so hard to be where i want to be with that.

 

no i want to try new hobbies but this cold weather has kept me at home. I am going to focus on myself and give him space and time. just wondering if this can be reversed. but ill let it play out and find things, iv always wanted to do tennis so i may find an indoor tennis place to practice and maybe running this week if the weather lets up, go to the bar tomorrow and take my little cousins out on friday. i will focus on myself

[nutbrownhare]

I think that one of the major sources of incompatibility that we have is in the amount of space we need in relationships; it's a very personal thing, and something that really needs to be worked out between you. He told you at the beginning that he gets easily distracted with school and work, and you said you could handle it.

 

You clearly can't.

 

As you already realise, if you had a richer life on your own account then you wouldn't be as dependent on him to be the source of good things in your life - now you need to put this into practice. You sending him angry texts is driving him away - in other words, producing the opposite effect of the one you really want. To be honest, I think most people would find you overly demanding, and would back off. I know I would!

 

I doubt he'll be back in touch with you; I'm guessing you've frightened him off.

 

What you DO need to do is sort out your own life to the point that you don't need a partner to fulfil needs that are your responsibility in the first place. The less needy you are, the more likely to have all your needs fulfilled in a relationship. Love comes from a full heart, not an empty one. If you can feel happy and fulfilled when you're single, not only are you likely to make wiser choices in relationships, but you will bring more to them and find it easier to let go if you realise you're not compatible.

 

Let it start with YOU, and the rest will follow quite naturally.

[collegegirl21]

Thanks for the great advice! @nutbrownhare