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Engaged and confused !!!!

Angerose

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Angerose Newbie

Angerose

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I don't even know where to start. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years. About a year ago he was sending texts behind my back to an old friend. I found out and gave the ring back. Two months after we tried things again and he cheated on me. He was sleeping with another girl at the same time. Six months later we tried it one last times and thing were great. A few months after we got engaged again. We are now engaged and I am just not so sure what is the right thing. He has been treating me poorly again and I'm afraid of why. We have talked and he says there is no other girl to which I trust him ( he gives me his phone openly to look and he has no social networks ) but sometimes I can't help but feel I deserve more. I am at a loss

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Furbys Apprentice

Furbys

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If you know you deserve more (which you do) why are you still in this relationship? He has lied and cheated but you are still hanging in there?

 

I think you know deep down that this isnt going to work because you dont trust him. You do deserve more than this so you need to get out of the relationship. Get out now before you get married and it is even more difficult to leave.

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Furbys Apprentice

Furbys

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I think because we have built a life together and I have invested so much time into it all. Part of me probably wishes I could change him. It's amazing when its good and when its bad its bad…

 

You can't change someone, the only person that can change themselves is them. You have invested so much time into this but what have you got in return? You have had lies and cheating in return. You know you deserve better than this so do not go through with a wedding when you are unsure. He is treating you poorly again so you really need to think about the future, a future without him.

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MisUnderstood9 Enthusiast

MisUnderstood9

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You are thinking all of these because deep down you dont want to marry this man. He has lied and cheated on you and hurt you.

 

End it now while its still a simple break up before you get married. Divorce is expensive and marriage isnt something that will "fix" everything.

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poetryandlyrics Contributor

poetryandlyrics

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His current actions are what you can use as prediction to the future you both "invested" together, quotes attached because he can't be that investing into it if he treats you like this. Conclusion: more bad treatment, more struggle of trying to change him (always pick a guy you can appreciate the way he is now, not the potential you can see - he doesn't see the same potential or else he would have progressed a long time ago), more anxiety/worries/feelings hurt, and possibly a divorce (if you're wondering about he relationship when you haven't even gotten married yet...).

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redswim30 Community Regular

redswim30

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I think because we have built a life together and I have invested so much time into it all. Part of me probably wishes I could change him. It's amazing when its good and when its bad its bad…

 

First of all, complacency is not a good reason to marry someone.

 

What's really worrisome is that you are "wishing you could change him". Yikes. You aren't even married yet, trust me, you are still in calm waters.

 

Getting married is only going to amplify the problems that exist, not erase them.

 

You feel weird and confused because your gut is telling you that deep down you know you deserve better. But you are worried because you will feel like you have "wasted your time." Word to the wise, you are much better off severing ties now than being miserable for years to come.

You think you'd feel bad about "losing four years" now? How would you feel twenty years down the line if he treats you the same way, cheats on you, disrespects you, lies to you? What if you "wasted" that amount of time?

 

You KNOW you deserve better than this. Why waste time on this man that you "wish you could change" when you could be spending your time finding a man you'd never want to change?

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ParisPaulette Rising Star

ParisPaulette

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Look you gave this guy three tries already and every time he treats you well for awhile and then he treats you like crap whether or not he cheats on you. He just treats you like crap, because he knows he can and he doesn't respect you, because he knows you'll take him back effectively wiping out any forward progress you may have made in making him at least respect you a little. You do know this is the pattern forever set in your relationship. And it's likely going to get worse, so much worse, when you're married and he realizes that now you really are bound to him legally and can't just walk away. I think by now we all pretty much know that marrying someone who mistreats you in some way never ever magically transforms them into a good person who does right by their spouse. So I am always bewildered when I see that ancient urban legend/myth being believed.

 

And change a chronic cheater who clearly has zero respect for any woman including you? Well good luck with that, but I think your chances of finding a unicorn are better. Whether or not he's cheating (again!) the fact is he's treating you like crap. And having cheated several times in the past you know that that's what he likes to do and will likely do again. And unlike financial investments or investing time in a career or assets investing time in a bad relationship just means...you have a bad relationship. And it's all you're ever going to have.

 

My advice: get out now before you marry him and he gets you pregnant. And you're left looking back at your life in the future bitterly wishing you'd just tossed him out the first time and gone and had an amazing life with a man who loved you. Life does not reward someone for staying with a bad relationship, so go find something worth investing in and treat him the same way you'd treat someone if they were trying to sell you a leaking house set on a puddle of quicksand in the middle of a swamp. You wouldn't buy that and invest anything in it, you'd boot the seller out the door, rightly so. This is exactly like that, because you're getting set to try building something on quicksand that's already got so many leaks it's a wonder it's even still afloat.

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