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All views, mainly a guys perspective


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You've probably already read a few posts from me, short version: 5 years 2 kids, wanted space in May, cheated in August, I led to believe we were working out and trying relationship, few days after Xmas found out he had carried on with various women and one night stands. Crushed. No way back. All through January he made effort with children and we were doing ok.

 

2 weeks ago he admitted to still seeing the girl he was banging over Xmas. I then said I didn't want him to see kids at my place anymore as it was too hard but I would drop off or pick up or he could drop off and pick up whenever was best for him. He didn't bother.

 

Our sons 4th birthday was two days ago, spoke to him the day before asking times and what he wanted to do, and he wasn't very clear about it just umming and aahring. So i knew he'd sell out. And he did. Phone off all day. Then this girl uploaded a picture to Facebook of them out that night looking quite the happy couple.

 

I'm so crushed. He had made me feel so worthless and like a nobody this whole year.

 

How can someone be so cruel? So heartless? Why does he not care about his children? Why does he not have any clue about how his choices affect me and our children? I'm so humiliated by how he's treated me. Like everyone knows and is laughing at me. How can he have so little respect for the mother of his kids that I've been raising singlehanded? When he's out wining and dining her why does he have no thought about the bills I have to pay and the food I have to provide?

 

I suppose a certain factor I've missed out is that he got bang in the coke when he left livig the party life. And she has a steady job no kids, own place, drives. I just struggle to understand how and why he can treat me (and our children) this way.

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I did text him that evening saying if he wants to see children he will have to take me to court or sort out supervised access centre. That was Sunday and I've heard nothing. I doubt he will bother. It's just crushing that our years together feel like they meant nothing to him. And I feel so awful for my kids who ask where he is and all I can say is "at work"

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What Mhowe said....get to court and demand financial support from him. He is legally obligated to support his children - if only financially.

 

You cannot force emotional commitment, and that is awful especially for the kids who don't understand what is happening...

 

But get the financial support so that you can at least provide them with a good life.

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One part of me doesn't want too, out of pride I think, as why should I have to force him to see his children? Why should I have to have a court take his money? I Shoudnt, he should do so willingly! It's a p***take. But I will do it, because it's what is necessary for my children. It's just my own issues I have to sort through now

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You cannot force him to see his children.

You have to take him to court for money because he is not supporting them voluntarily.

 

And you should document his no shows, such as your son's bday. And his lack of contact. And the fact that he is shacking up with someone already.

The judge will take it all into account with regard to supervised custody, etc.

 

Yes...you need to set aside your issues and do what is right by the kids.

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There is no pride in this situation, its all responsiblity. I have been having along battle with my ex about seeing our son and him paying his support. In the long run you need to do what is best for the kids and for yourself and that is you putting your foot down to him not allowing him to get away from his responsiblities.

 

It took me over a year of fighting back and forth and my ex getting away with partying all the time and never seeing his son.

I was much like you thinking he should want to do it willingly because it is his son but thats not how life works. Yes there are some great dads out there but unfortunately he isnt one of them.

 

You need to go to a lawyer and take him to court and get everything going. Keep record of everything from FB posts you see, conversations with mutal friends you two have that tell you he is out everynight partying it up, doing drugs etc with this girl. Any phone conversations and text messages. Whatever you have that can stop him from putting your children in harms way or even around this new g/f of his IF he granted visitations.

 

This is may seem harsh but its not. He doesn't want to do it willingly, then its time to force him because your children and you don't deserve to be left in the dust struggling while he thinks he is free of all responsiblity.

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You need to stop wondering why he does things, sometimes there's no explanation, it's just the way he is. Try to eliminate your negatives self-talk too, no one can make you feel worthless. Eliminate this word from your vocab. I see that you are comparing yourself to her and feeling inferior? The fact that she has a job and no kids doesn't make her any more desirable or special..You are focusing too much on him, shift that focus. Try to get angry at how you are being treated and work for better life for yourself and your kids.

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(...) I'm so humiliated by how he's treated me. Like everyone knows and is laughing at me.(...)

 

Yes it's quite surreal how in nowadays society the cheated part is laughed at, seen as the fool, weak and not good enough.

 

The cheater on the other hand seems to gather social capital as he outsmarted the other part, earning somehow alpha status.

 

I really don't get it either. There are no social consequences for the cheater.

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It will never cease to amaze me how many women will tie themselves for life to a man by having kids without marriage.

 

I do not even mean it from a moral perspective. Just from the legal, financial and emotional perspective. You need to know that he is truly committed to you before you take that step and bring in children.

 

So, what I think this does is really makes you wiser in the future. Now you know that some men, as bad as it is, can treat some women as "baby mammas" and not as valued as "Mrs. Right." Why does he treat you like this? Read the second quote in my signature?

 

Why does he treat the kids this way? He's an immature jerk. Not much more than that.

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There could of been many reasons why he did what he did. Perhaps he wanted to feel attractive, maybe he is going thru a mid-life crisis, or he felt like the world was caving in on him, didnt want to grow up, didnt like where his life was heading, or he is just a douche bag.

Who knows why, but whatever the reason, it had nothing to do with you. He has 100% of the blame for this and there was nothing you could of said or done to prevent what happened. So dont blame yourself or think you had anything to do with it. And yes one can be that cruel because he is being selfish, so no need to ask how can he do this, or be mean to his kids...he doesnt care. Right now, its about him and what he wants.

 

In a perfect world one doesnt need courts to settle child support or visitation, but reality is that we need it. They can be nice and sweet and say "of course Ill be there for the kids" then years later they change their tune. Courts are to keep people honest and gives you the backing that you need to make sure that your kids are taken cared of. Child support is to help you provide food, clothing, needs for your children, its not charity its what is right.

You also cannot withhold the children or use them as leverage or a bargining chip. He is the father and he is entitled to see them whenever he wants and do you want him to come around whenever he wants? A court order will set days, times and limits or conditions.

Think about using the courts to help you and in some cases your lawyer can bill him to pay for your costs since he is the one that is forcing your hand.

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