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Please help me with advice, I think my husband is falling for someone else


sadiecave

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Hello,

 

I wasn’t sure what else to do, I have spoken to my sisters & my close friend, but I'm sure they are bored of it.

 

I've been married over a yr., with my partner for 4 yrs., he is 30 yrs. older than me, we met when we were both single, so we didn’t have an affair.

 

I'm not sure if what I am about to write is me being stupid or actually something to worry about, hence why I appreciate any reply.

 

I love my husband so much & it's killing me...

 

I use to work in the same place he did, I left in October & got a new job, I know a new girl replaced me, he has spoken about her a lot, saying she was fat, horrible, boring (i know it sounds awful) & never spoke, my husband has an amazing sense of humor & I think he is so handsome, very friendly & will talk to anyone.

 

However he would refer to 'the new girl' as the above, & told me a few stories about what the other men in his office had said to him about her, so I decided to look her up on Facebook, devastated to see that she has a very pretty face & not overweight at all.

 

anyway recently I have found emails on his work phone from her, during work hrs., but not always about work, they are jokey emails.

 

Normally if I asked what someone looked like he would say 'she’s attractive' but he lied to me about this one, I don’t understand.

 

Also he normally works from home on a Thursday & I saw that 'the new girl' had been emailing him pictures of a funny mug that she thought would suit someone in their office....

 

I don’t understand, she's not ugly or boring clearly because they email each other jokey things, so why has he lied to me, I’m not sure if I am losing him or I am thinking in to things too much, hence I some advice please.

 

Thank you.

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Before you start having this drive you crazy, confront him about it. You can talk to your sisters and close friends and us all you want but the only way you are going to get the real answers you want about why he lied to you is to confront him about it.

 

How did you find these emails? Were you snooping? I only ask because if you confront him telling him you went through his emails, this could turn more into a "why dont you trust me all of sudden" conversation then you getting the answers you are looking for. If you werent snooping and he knows sometimes you use his email, then just be upfront, say you saw them and ask why he has been lying to you.

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Alot of the time I will send emails for him while he is driving & I noticed an email on there for her, didnt see it properly, but then when he kept saying things about the new girl & i then looked her up & saw that she was the opposite I looked, I know it's wrong, but I did it.

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Normally if I asked what someone looked like he would say 'she’s attractive' but he lied to me about this one, I don’t understand.

 

It sounds like you have jealousy issues --- or you wouldn't ask this question continually.

 

So --- because she took over your job and he works with her, he minimized her attractiveness so as to not spike your jealousy issues.

I wouldn't call it a lie.

And I wouldn't blow it out of proportions.

 

Your snooping found either work related emails or jokes pertaining to office folk.

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I've just realized I wrote he was 30 yrs. older than me, sorry it's actually 20 yrs.

 

I know I should confront him but I worried because if I do that & it was something I won’t know because he will get rid of anything they send each other, I want to know the truth & your right he is the only one who can tell me, but if something is going I don’t want to look stupid by not knowing, if that makes sense?

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I knew people would say I was jealous for asking that, however thats just the way I am, if my sister said 'a girl from work blah blah blah' I would ask what does she look like? if my husband said 'the man I work with' I would ask exactly the same thing, what does he look like.

 

I dont have jealousy issues, I have no problems with him going out & enjoying himself, nor staying away from home, but what I dont understand why he would call someone fat & ugly, I would say that is a lie, often he will ask me what does so & so look like? I tell him my true opinion on how I see them.

 

We've always been like that, ever since day 1.

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You are much to focused on what people look like --- which makes NO difference to a story being told about them.

It is very superficial.

 

He doesn't want to deal --- with your jealousy.

 

Just because you both do it, doesn't make it right. Or healthy.

 

Does he hide other things from you (he will get rid of anything they send each other).

 

Why don't you trust him? Did he cheat on his previous gf?

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I've just realized I wrote he was 30 yrs. older than me, sorry it's actually 20 yrs.

 

I know I should confront him but I worried because if I do that & it was something I won’t know because he will get rid of anything they send each other, I want to know the truth & your right he is the only one who can tell me, but if something is going I don’t want to look stupid by not knowing, if that makes sense?

 

Makes sense. All you have is suspicions. As mhowe said, he probably minimized her attractiveness to you to not spike your jealousy.

 

Also, are you sure the girl you searched on FB was her? There are SO many people on FB with the same names. Maybe you should visit the office to actually see this girl before you confront him as well. You could be fixating on the wrong person this whole time.

 

But after all is said and done the only thing you can really do is be upfront and honest. It's already driving you crazy, so say sometihng before you turn crazy. Tell him you saw a few emails the one time you were writing an email for him and got curious and looked her up on fb. You noticed that her appearance wasnt what he said it was and it has you wondering why he lied to you about what she looks like. Not much else can be done before that except driving yourself crazy with a thought of something that probably in reality isnt happening.

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I know it's the right person, we have mutal friends on there (related to the company), I have had advice from a friend saying keep an eye on whats being said via email, I should have looked on the email, but it wasnt as if I picked his phone up & looked I was sending something for him & you dont even need to click the email open, you can see what the 1st few lines say.

 

Thanks for your advice

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It isn't too late.

 

The email was innocuous. It was about a mug. Or a joke.

 

And this "I can't help it, it's who I am"....is why he never mentioned it. Because it is nothing.

 

So....stop spinning on it and get back to "normal".

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Not sure what your issue is. So you saw the e-mails and there was nothing there besides work and office chit chat. People are supposed to be friendly at the office and joking around is normal. He is not doing anything wrong.

 

However, I can totally see how he chose the white lie about her appearance because you do seem to be very very insecure and easily wound up. Him telling you that she is cute and funny probably would have wound you up just the same. I'm guessing he was trying to buy himself some peace at home with you. You need to chill out and focus on being the fun wife instead of the psycho jealous wife, who is then not fun who then makes other women look good who then gets what she fears so much - a husband who either cheats or leaves her. Stop while you are ahead in that department.

 

Having said all that, just tell him that he doesn't need to lie to you over what someone looks like. You can handle the truth.

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Your friend sounds like she is kind of making it worse for you, to tell you to "keep an eye on the emails" - she a jealous type as well in relationships?

 

Seriously, just be upfront with your husband. Tell him what you saw and what happened and as for clarification. There probabyl isn't anything going except for friendly back and forth joking and conversation going on, most men who are being unfaithful would hide those conversations by either deleting them or NOT allowing their S/O to see their phones, emails, fb whatever. You are making yourself go crazy and fixating on this and your only way you are going to get relief is to ask him and not look into any further.

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My old assistant and I use to send funny pics back and forth, and we worked together for over 6 years, and not once was I attracted to him, and vice versa, and we're both good looking.

 

I think you should just learn to get to know her better, pop-in to take him to lunch, introduce yourself. And that cyber-stalking her - she could be totally weird for all you know, or have a peg leg with a monotone voice.

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Thanks, your right, there's a few girls in the office that I know & he chats to them , it's not so much the email thing, it's just tht he has said some really odd things like fat & ugly & she's not, That's what's made me think hmmm... Strange, I know a few say I'm a crazy wife haa! I'm not, & it is the way I am, I always ask what do they look like, or what did they wear, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking though questions.

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Well, my old assistant's wife use to also be jealous of any girl he'd be working with...I think you just need to ask yourself, is he an untrust-worthy guy? Is he shady? Am I taking out baggage on him an ex did? Did he say she was ugly because he knew you'd be upset if he'd said otherwise? I think a lot this comes down to you.

 

I think there is a problem with you asking what they look like or wear. What difference does it make? If a person plans to cheat on you, it doesn't matter if the other person is HOT or fat, or toe-up. If they work together, go to the gym together, or met at a park.

 

It's one thing if you asked what the guys looked like to, and what they wore as well, but I have a feeling that you only ask about the women out of insecurity. I work with both good looking men and women, and I have interest in boning any of them. Do you get where I'm going?

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Yes I do completely & generally I agree with what everyone is saying, well apart from me being crazy, for the record, I ask that not only to him but my friends, if thy go in town I'll ask what did so & so wear blah blah blah, I truly don't think that's an issue, he's so honest & says that he thinks she attractive or she not, that's how I know I'm not crazy jealous, there are too many people in the world to be attracted to just 1. Plus he ex is amazing looking!!! He has children with her, they have to communicate & they get on, & I love his ex I could chat to her all day.

 

I think I've read in to it too much, it just kin of shocked me when I actually saw her, but I think I've been a bit of an idiot, like you said about meeting her! If I did which I probably will I'll really like her & realise what a plank I've been!

 

Someone did say to me, (he's nearly 50) any attention he gets he'll probably love & will give him an ego boost, which again that worried me so I think it's down to me being stupid, thanks

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Oh & no he isn't un-trust worthy, he's always been open & honest, probably why I question this situation

 

That makes no sense.

 

If he has always been open and honest, than there is no situation to question!

 

He downplayed her looks because you ALWAYS question them....and if you hadn't snooped in his phone, and then gotten on FB....you created "the situation"

you find yourself in.

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No I meant un-trust worthy in the sense of cheating, as far as I am aware he's never done anything . You can say I ALWAYS question question him, which I do I dont deny, but also he's said before he thought someone's attractive, it's fine, it's just he said she was fat & ugly & she wasn't.

 

He loves people watching & one of the things he likes to do is ask me what I think of the men walking past? There's nothing to it, anyway thanks again for advice

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No I meant un-trust worthy in the sense of cheating, as far as I am aware he's never done anything . You can say I ALWAYS question question him, which I do I dont deny, but also he's said before he thought someone's attractive, it's fine, it's just he said she was fat & ugly & she wasn't.

 

 

OP, I really think you are overthinking this. MANY people write joking emails to people they work with, both genders, and whether they are single, dating or married. It doesn't mean anything, it's workplace banter and a way to make the workday better.

 

As far as what he said about her, he probably didn't want you to feel bad and so he lied. But I don't think this is anything to be concerned about.

After all, would you have wanted him to say, " OMG! My co-worker is SO unbelievably gorgeous and fit!" I think that would have hurt you more.

 

As far you as know, he's never done anything or aroused any real suspicion. My advice, move on and don't let this become a self-fulfilling prophecy by being too paranoid, jealous or upset about what really seems like nothing.

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