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Still in Pain from Her Cheating On Me


aloneandhurt

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My ex cheated on me. She lied to me about being in a relationship when I met her and was seeing both of us at the same time. She had been with the other guy for 2+ years before meeting me. She then broke up with the other guy and saw me for a few months. The other guy promised to change - he had commitment issues. She then she sees both of us again for two months and then breaks up with me.

 

I KNEW NOTHING about this until after we broke up. AGAIN - I KNEW NOTHING. SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS SINGLE. I found out the truth from the other guy. Now she's with him. They got engaged. I feel so hurt. I checked her facebook recently and she has a pick of them together lying in bed. I know I need to stop the cyber stalking. Even if I did that, it still hurts so much. Its been awhile since we were together but I think about her every day. We haven't spoken in 4 months. I don't want to be with her, but I don't want her to be happy either. She got what she wanted by treating me bad. She's engaged now and happy. I feel alone and wonder if I'll even feel the same way for anyone else again.

 

I also question what I did wrong. . . maybe I said this . . . maybe i wasn't supportive enough. . .I don't know.

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How do you not get that this is all about HER --- her deceit, her manipulations, her lack of moral fiber?

 

It has nothing to do with you.

 

And how do you know she is happy? From her FB posts?

I would wager that is a wedding that will never take place.

 

Be thankful she is not longer with you and let it go. She is one wounded animal.

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Agree w/ mhowe. You can't assume she is happy just because of her fb post. She could be dealing with a whole bunch of issues with this now fiance. He knew she was seeing both of you, so she cheated on him as well. I can guarantee she isnt happy and that wedding probably isnt going to happen.

 

If you want to be happy, stop looking at her fb and stop worrying about what SHE is doing. Focus on yourself, do hobbies, see friends, meet new people, get happy with yourself. Focusing on her and wanting her to be unhappy isnt going to make you happy. You are allowing her to win by you still obsessing over her.

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It had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her.

 

She cheated - is that really what you want from someone?

 

Cheatee's always blame themselves initially. It's natural to think you did something wrong, something to deserve it, if only you had done something different she might not have done x, y, z. Stop it. She made her choices, you did not make her choose to act in a specific manner. She made that choice on her own.

 

Stay away from her Facebook. Stay away from any of her social media, period.

 

Heal yourself, and learn to accept what happened and grow from it. Part of that means stepping completely away from her.

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You didn't really know this person. It was a temporary chemical rush for you. It's tough to get over but the feelings have nothing to do with her. Obviously this isn't the type of behavior you'll allow in your life. It's a drug, you're going through withdrawals. Stop putting too much value in the relationship.

 

You're fine, you'll feel normal again soon.

 

It's a good thing you found out quickly.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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I know exactly what you are going through. It happened to me last year, with the added pain of finding out she was in an affair with a married guy...

 

Listen to what the others have said; Focus on healing, stop looking at her social network, find things you are interested in, meet up with friends. I know that isn't easy to do. You will get past this pain.

 

Trust me, this isn't a light switch you can turn off. This hurt will heal, but it will take a long time. It's been the better part of a year for me and I have not made much progress, but I have made progress. I think you will heal faster than I did. I work with my exGF and see her every day...

 

Hang in there and let us know how things are going..

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I feel a lot of pain. I'm trying to not think about her but I always do . . . I don't want to be with her but I am still jealous. Jealous that she's with this guy . . . spending time with him, doing things with him. Upset that things we planned fell through. We talked about marriage and kids all the time and had plans to move in together. I know people say I should be lucky to find this out now. But I really thought the world her. Although I'm 30, she was really my first love. I feel like I may never feel this way again about anyone. It also upsets me to know that she got what she wanted from treating me so bad.

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It's a grieving process and you're in the middle of it right now. There is a progression of shock, hurt, anger and later healing..

 

This overwhelming thinking about her is normal right now. When I first found out she had cheated and dumped me, I was obsessed with wondering what she was doing evenings and weekends. I'd make excuses to myself to go to stores and restaurants near where she lives, in the off chance I'd see her.

 

Things will get better. Trust me on that too.

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I just keep thinking about them together and it hurts me so much... how do I stop. Even when I try and keep busy it comes up in my mind.

 

Trust me... Been there, done that.. for months. There is no fast way to get that to stop. It takes time and it takes diversion. When I first discovered her affair, I was constantly wondering if she was with him every ninght and on weekends.. That has calmed down as time goes by. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I think that will be what you experience over time too.

 

Concentrate on her faults (I am sure she has some). That will help.

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OK. I'm going to break this down for you very simply. Absolutely no matter what you said, what you did, or how you acted can prompt another person to go off track from their own integrity. Integrity, is precisely what your ex lacked. I have a few different theories on why people cheat, but in her case, I believe her to be insecure (and confused). Frankly, the woman sounds like a train wreck. Her acting like that has obviously hurt you, but you now have a chance to move on and meet a decent woman. She doesn't realize it yet, she may not realize for sometime, or maybe never, but she is the one who cheated herself in the end.

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NEA - see that's what she said: "I was just confused" and some of my friends said that too. But the thing is . . . No she wasn't! She knew exactly what she was doing. She looked me in my eyes and told me she wasn't seeing him multiple times and that she loved me and that I was the best thing to ever happen to her and how she couldn't live without me. She said these things WHILE seeing us both. And when I found out . . . she was mad at me. Cause I found out through the other guy and her friends. She was mad at me for asking around. That's not confusion! That's manipulation. She showed no remorse for what she did to me.

 

And yet it still hurts to know that they are together and doing things together (talking being intimate, everything).

 

Steve - I feel like its been awhile..a really long time. And I'm still hurt. I mean I'm a lot better than before....but 7 months later .... and I'm still like this? 7 months since the break up. 3-4 months NC. 4 months since the last drama. 4 months ago - the other guy called me! To ask me to stop talking to her....even though I wasn't talking to her at that time.

 

I feel like I should be over this by now.

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@aloneandhurt

 

You are like this because it was a traumatizing experience. No one can withstand a blow like this and still be up. You gotta go down. Resist the pain and get back up.

You werent expecting this! It came out of nowhere. No wonder you are still not over her. Its was so sudden.

 

My advice to you is to let it go. You have morals and integrity and are a better person than the guy she is seing right now. If he knows you and him both had a relationship with her at the same time, if he was a man with principles, he would reject her. The best outcome for her would be for her to get neither of you so she would stop her behaviour. However, you may feel that he "won". That in the end, out of the two of you, she preferred him. SO NOT TRUE! She knew you wouldnt take this lightly. She knew you would dump her in case she would "choose you". There wasnt any other outcome besides breaking up. In the end, you would still be in the same place you are right now. If the guy she is with accepted her knowing she was playing you both, than she is better of with him because I bet you a few Euros that he cheats or cheated her back then too.

 

Dont feel bad because you have more principles that her and the person she is with.

Feel relief that you got out of this.

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Steve - I feel like its been awhile..a really long time. And I'm still hurt. I mean I'm a lot better than before....but 7 months later .... and I'm still like this? 7 months since the break up. 3-4 months NC. 4 months since the last drama. 4 months ago - the other guy called me! To ask me to stop talking to her....even though I wasn't talking to her at that time.

 

I feel like I should be over this by now.

 

Sometimes, especially with the depth of your feelings for her, it take a very long time to move on. This isn't unusual.

 

For me, she started pulling back (Being more distant and cancelling dates) over a year ago. I then confirmed my suspicions about her affair in late August when I saw the "sext" and other texts.. I'm still not over it either, but I am making progress. It still is a huge hurt, but in addition to the tips I mentioned, what has also helped me is realizing that she doesn't love me. She didn't even respect me enough to be straight with me about why she had pulled back. Most importantly, she was willing to cheat, in my case with a married guy, giving no thought to his wife and four kids.. I think if you can get to the point of realizing the futility of still wanting her and even more importantly come to realize that she cheated and cared little about what thay would do to you (Assess her morals, etc.), you will get a little farther down the road to healing.

 

Please stay in touch. PM me if you want..

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She did say to me when we were arguing after I found out about the lies: "You know why I'm with him . . . because he doesn't give me crap about that the fact that I cheated on him with you and vice versa. He doesn't care and just let it go"

 

 

She told me while we were together that she suspected him of treating their relationship as an "open relationship" So maybe he did cheat on her and this was her way of getting back at him. I just feel like she used me to get at him.

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She did say to me when we were arguing after I found out about the lies: "You know why I'm with him . . . because he doesn't give me crap about that the fact that I cheated on him with you and vice versa. He doesn't care and just let it go"

 

 

She told me while we were together that she suspected him of treating their relationship as an "open relationship" So maybe he did cheat on her and this was her way of getting back at him. I just feel like she used me to get at him.

 

 

I think you need to concentrate on her statement whenever you feel yourself falling back.. Is a person who is can't understand why you'd be upset if she cheated be someone you'd want and trust long term?

 

It's interesting you mentioned this. My ex still has fond memories of a guy from 10 years ago that she described as a "player" and who told her he could never be with just one woman, even if they married... I'd say your ex and mine have a weird sense of what is ok in a relationship... It could also be her way of getting back at him, as you say, though it sounds more like this is just acceptable behavior to her..More reason to realize you are better off without her.

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I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me.

I Deserve better than that

I AM BETTER THAN THAT

 

Action speaks louder than words my friend.

Go No-Contact. Not as a game to play

but to show her Iam Better and I will not let you F*** with me.

 

People who do these overlapping relationships are

Insecure, selfish, disrespectful, dishonest and needy.

 

THEY ARE CHEATERS PURE AND SIMPLE

THERE IS NEVER ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR IT.

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I would encourage you to process your feelings and realize she has her own issues if she felt like this was acceptable behavior. Perhaps you can't forgive her but she is/was so caught up in her own feelings that she did not consider anyone else's. I think that means she had some emotional issues going on after the breakup.

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I shouldn't care, but I don't get it all. I'm the type of person that tries to understand everything. The other guy knows she lied about being single. He knows that I had the key to her place was there almost every day while they were together. I don't get how he's cool with that.

 

And I don't get her . . . it's one thing to cheat but to bug me to tell my mom about you, talk marriage and kids, make plans to move in with me, and to say how you can't live without me all the while doing this behind my back. What type of sick person does that to someone else? I really still hate her. I wish she wasn't happy and didnt get what she wanted from all of this. I don't want to be with her...but I don't like the fact that she got what she wanted from treating me so bad.

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You are just going to have to let it go. The reasons don't actually matter and you are only feeding your misery by continuing to dwell on them. Cheating is fundamentally wrong to you (any many others) so no amount of rationalizing, projection, or analysis is going to soften the blow or undo what already happened. Besides any explanation you already got is almost guaranteed to be self serving and untruthful. The action itself is all the information you need.

 

Cheating can be a very difficult thing to move past but it's totally possible. At least you were not married to her with kids so consider yourself lucky in that regard. You made a mistake and it happens to most of us at some point. You have to forgive yourself first before you can move on. Her cheating has nothing to do with you and it sure as hell is not your fault in any way shape or form. Just set the bar higher next time and take this one on the chin as a learning experience - next time you will be in a better position to dodge the blow if it comes to that.

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I'm so tempted to call and just curse her out. I know it will not accomplish anything . . . but it makes me so angry to know that I meant nothing to her. She just used me to make this other guy change and commit to her. And she got what she wanted from this.

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I am sorry you are hurting. I have cheated on somebody, and to this day, I regret it so much. It's one of those things I am deeply ashamed of, and I always thought I was better than that. I've been cheated on before, so that's a double whammy. To be honest, people who do things like that are not happy with themselves. You can go to bed peacefully at night. Do not let this jade you or make you bitter. This is not your fault. This is a shortcoming of hers, and I feel sorry for her guy and her.

 

That's really no way to live.

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